Are you following me?

 

Either the world has gone mad or I sat on a cactus and did not realise it. 

(What does that mean?)

I don't know. Nothing makes sense any more. The world does not make sense. I think I'm the only sane one around here.

(Where's here?)

Here is where you want it to be. Wherever you are is here for you. It may not be here for someone else who is over there, but it is here for you.

Let me explain what prompted this post. Just hang in there (here) with me for a moment.

We were discussing various social medias the other day and someone said he had over 700 followers on his FB, (or was it Twitter?), account.

How can that be possible, I thought but said nothing. How can someone have over 700 followers? That's more people than I have known in my entire life. 

And it's not just social media platforms like Facebook, Twitter and the like. It's happening on TV as well this not making sense thing. 

I'm sitting watching the adverts and I'm told, "this advert is wasted on you. Do you know who that person is?"

"No ... I've never seen her before ... who is she?"

"It's XYD, she's a famous singer, and the reason the advertisers used her is because she has a great following amongst her age group on social media and if she promotes this product then it will sell by the millions!"

"Oh yeah ..." I mumble unimpressed, "I bet she puts on her pants one leg at a time like every one else, whereas I lie on my back on the bed with my feet up in the air and I get dressed with both legs simultaneously! That makes me special."

I get ignored, as happens so often, with retorts of, "what's that got to do with anything?"

This celebrity thing is not just on TV. It's the same with newspapers. I pick up a paper and they say that someone famous has died whereas I did not know the person even existed. 

Or there's a news headline saying that a certain individual has divorced another individual. So what? Why do they need to tell us about celebrities and other important people getting married, separated, divorced, having a baby and so on? Does the world really need to know that? 

I read the other day that the cousin of a celebrity had stubbed his toe against the edge of the side-walk and was driven to hospital. Now that was worth headline breaking news don't you think?

Why do newspapers and TV report inane news about various famous people or celebrities, and what has happened to them, or their cousins, or their grocer's children, their dogs or whether they squeeze their toothpaste tube from the middle? Do we really need to know all this nonsense?

The answer is simple - it sells newspapers. It fills in time in the TV News hour. It provides the media an opportunity of a scoop news before everyone else.

And of course, there are a lot of people out there living life vicariously through the lives of someone else they admire. 

Their lives are so empty that they have to "follow" someone famous and be up-to-date as to what they are doing every moment of their lives.

And that makes them feel important. They know something you don't; or before you do. And that makes them believe that they are themselves important ... famous even. And they go on social media and write about themselves.   

Not me ... I just walk the streets and every so often make a statement about myself. Like, "My feet hurt ... I love pickled onions ... Yoga hurts my backside ..."

So far I have two followers ... wearing white coats and with butterfly nets.

If you have to follow someone - follow Jesus.

How to avoid people

 

Do you find that complete strangers approach you for a chat when out walking the dog, or sitting on a bench in the park, or on the bus, train or whatever? They always do that to me. Can't understand it. Why can't they leave me alone rather than chatting away telling me their life story?

In order to avoid such people I have now started dressing untidily and somewhat scruffy. I wear an old pair of jeans torn and with dirt from changing the oil in the car and cleaning the rain gutters. Also an old T shirt and dirty overcoat. I found an old pair of shoes with holes in them that let in water. I made another hole in the heel for the water to come out, and I now wear them as part of my new fashionable accoutrement. 

The whole assemble does work I tell you. You will not see it as part of the Autumn Collection by any fashion designer but it works.

People have started to keep their distance from me. I also carry a jar of pickled onions in my coat pocket and if anyone comes near me I offer them one. That, or a half eaten Mars bar. You can see the teeth mark in the chocolate. People soon thank me politely and move to another seat on the bus, or walk away in the park.

The only downside to my new dress sense is that I have been refused entry at some of the top hotels and restaurants in London. The man at the door always tells me to go away. Some have been known to give me a sandwich or other food, so that's a small recompense for not letting me in I suppose.

Also, I tripped and fell at an up-market touristy area of London. People soon gathered round to help me. They checked I was OK and someone even gave me a meal from a nearby takeaway fast food restaurant. A tourist also gave me some money. So, looking like a tramp does help sometimes.

I noticed the neighbours have stopped talking to me too. When I go out to get the papers from the newsagent one or two people cross to the other side of the road in order to avoid me.

My sudden change of attire has had an effect at home also. My wife said she will no longer speak to me as long as I dress like that. Now that's a bonus.

And another advantage is that my mother-in-law has stopped visiting us on her broomstick because she says I let the tone of the place down.

So you see, my new dress code has had a lot of positive outcomes. despite the downside of being excluded from some hotels and restaurants. People are now no longer talking to me.

You should try it sometime. Get some old clothing on and have fun.

The Yaee People

 

A colleague at work joined a group about international joy and happiness. My attitude was "Whatever" as long as she finishes the project I've asked her to that's OK by me. But she insisted I go with her one evening. They meet regularly and their aim is to spread joy and happiness throughout the universe starting with "one and on to everyone" as their slogan goes. It is not a religious group she assured me; or a cult.

In order to have some peace and quiet, and to get that project finished on time, I went with her one evening at a meeting in the leader's home. There were about a dozen people. We sat on the floor to be "near mother earth" albeit we were on the tenth floor of an apartment block.

They started by introducing themselves and greeting each other with applause. "I am Helen" said my colleague. "Yaeee !!!" said everyone applauding. And so on all the way round the group. I joined in to show willing as enthusiastically as a skunk in a perfume factory. 

The leader, (she was called Flower), noticed two newcomers; me and another man probably roped in by his wife or similar acquaintance like me. She asked us to say something about ourselves by way of introduction.

"I am Robin," he said, "I work for the local authorities delivering manhole covers to the workers on building sites. My hobby is collecting algae from fish ponds!" Everyone shouted "Yaeee" and applauded.

I really had to better that for an introduction. I said, "I work with Helen here, and my hobby is wrestling crocodiles!" There was a distinguishable pause before they said "Yaeee" more in confusion than delight.

Flower, our leader, noticed my slight cynicism, albeit I had not hidden it at all. She continued, "Today I'd like us to discuss negativity," she said looking at me, "the Universe is full of negativity, and we should overcome it one by one!"

"That will take a minute or two," my cynicism told me.

"Whenever we feel negative thoughts overcome us," she went on, (she had one of those grating voices like scratching a blackboard with a rusty saw which did not endear me to her or her to me), "we should open all windows and breathe out all negativity out of our surroundings. Just breathe out and watch all negative thoughts and feelings leave through the window of our life!"

I sat there and raised my eyebrows. She noticed me. "What are you thinking?" she asked me, "you are amongst friends so be honest and tell us your thoughts!"

That was a challenge not to be missed. I replied, "I think that these days opening the window will let in all the pollution from the traffic, and car exhausts, as well as dust and dirt. Even the birds are coughing and spluttering these days instead of singing!"    

One guy started a "Yaeee" and realised it was not appropriate. She said, "I meant opening the window in a figurative sense." 

I did not want to tell her that life is sometimes a series of disappointments punctuated by the occasional failures; and they can't be breathed out of a window whether metaphorically or not.

I honestly tried to appear enthusiastic for the sake of my colleague if for no one else. We talked about sending happy thoughts towards other people telepathically no matter how far they are. By sending our happy thoughts the other person will feel better even though they don't know we are doing so. We talked about different people having a colour aura around them and the more intense it is, like deep red, the angrier we are. We should aim for a soft pastel colour of aura, apparently. 

At this point my mind wondered what colour aura is breaking wind. I should not have had those beans before the meeting. And sitting on the floor cross-legged did not help.

I kept my comments to a minimum because I noticed that Flower was wilting a little. Obviously my aura did not match with hers.

We ended up with a cup of coffee. Only it was not coffee. It was decaffeinated chicory powder. I mean ... what is chicory anyway? It had no milk nor sugar because apparently they are negative foods. Just chicory powder with hot water. It tasted of bison wee and smelled about the same!