Psychological Nonsense My Style

 

So ... it happened like this. Why is it these days people start sentences with "so"? I hate it. I never do that and will never ever do it.

So ... as I was saying, these directors thought it would be a good idea to hire a psychologist to assess their top managers and identify their potential to get on to higher positions in management. The psychologist's name was I M N Idiot - as I recall.

He divided us into two groups of five. I did not know until then I was one of the ten top managers. He said one group would be the control group and he will not interfere or affect their behaviour in any way. He will let those five act as a group, or individually, as they wish. The other five people will be the experimental group. He will, or may, interfere with their performance to see how they behave. Of course, he did not tell us which group of five was which.

Well ... I was not keen about this at all. I am not a guinea pig and refuse to be treated as such. My potential for higher management is obvious - I am not interested. My job is stressful enough counting paper clips for them to add more stress with counting staples as well.

Our group of five were given a cup of strong black coffee to drink. I did not know whether they did the same with the other group, or whether they were the experimentals or us. I was certain that the psychologist was mental all right. And the coffee tasted like gnats' pee. I threw it away whilst he was not watching.

We were taken out, blind-folded and asked to stand still for a while. After just five minutes, we were told to take off the blindfolds. We were in the middle of a maze. They had built a maze around us using self-standing panels on legs. We were told to find our way out.

That's when my disruptive scheme came into effect. I told the group that we were the experimental group. I had no way of knowing that, but I lied that there was a peculiar taste in the coffee and they were assessing how we think as a result of what we drank. I suggested we should think creatively. Think outside the box. That is what was expected of us. Rather than walk round the maze, which is what most people would do, a quicker way was to push all the panels down and get out that way. In three minutes we were free. The psychologist was very annoyed that we ruined the exercise but said nothing.

In the second exercise he divided our group into 3 people in one room and 2 in another. In my room we had a little house made of Lego bricks. Using only a telephone, which they said our conversation will be recorded and listened to, we had to describe the building to the other 3 who would build an identical house with their bricks. I asked my colleague to make the phone call. Whilst he was describing our building, I took a photo on my cell-phone of the house and sent it secretely to another colleague in the other room on his cellphone. To be honest, the guy in my room was awful at describing the building but, somehow, the others managed to build an identical house in record time.

The final exercise was a one-to-one interview with the psychologist. I was as disruptive as I could, but politely of course, by giving the wrong answers, or pretending I did not know whether a zebra is white with black stripes, or black with white stripes. He showed me a lot of ink spots, or ink blots, and asked me what I could see in them? I gave silly answers, like, "I see a fridge with nothing inside!" He asked me how I knew it was empty. I said it was not connected to the mains electricity supply.

A week later they offered me a promotion. I turned it down. They could not understand why, but they never employed the psychologist again.

When things go wrong

 

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4 minutes recording

 

Oh Noah ... Noah!

 

THE DAY NOAH GOT DRUNK

It's in the Bible.

Noah was a farmer and

he was the first man to ever plant

a vineyard.

He made wine,

drank it,

and became drunk.

He then took off all his clothes,

and lay naked in his tent.

His son Ham (what a name)

saw Noah naked and

he took photos with his cell-phone

and posted them on Facebook.

GENESIS 9:20-22.

Catalogue of disasters

 

Well it all started some years ago when a man from a pet charity came knocking at our door. Can't remember the name of the charity, but he asked me if I would like to sponsor a cat.

I asked him, "What will it do?"

He did not understand, so I explained, "you want me to sponsor a cat, will it run the marathon? Go on a diet and lose weight? Climb a mountain range? Eat broccoli for a year? What will it do?"

He said that it doesn't work like that. This sponsoring method is that I pay a given sum every month and the charity looks after the cat.

"What's in it for me?" I asked, "I seem to be out of pocket in this transaction!"

He said it's a charitable gift, tax deductible, I would get photos of the cat every now and then and a progress report how he is doing. I thought it was a waste of money. I might as well buy a cat. So they sold me a black cat called Snowy.

Unfortunately he was difficult to handle so we exchanged him for a white cat called Rover. Sadly, on a snowy winter he got run over by a snow plough. Perhaps we should have kept the black cat called Snowy instead.

So the charity gave us another cat. A ginger one called Albatross. He was very clever for a feline.

I lived in London at the time. In a tiny apartment.One day my boss said I had to go and work in Glasgow for three months. It was an urgent project and I had to fly there that very evening. There was no one to take care of my Albatross for that length of time so I decided to take it with me. 

There was no time to make any arrangements so I looked on the internet and there's an organisation that can transport animals from one place to another for a fee. They took my cat and said they'll deliver him to me in two days' time.

Two days later, in Glasgow, they delivered a Golden Labrador dog called Pussycat.  

"What the **** is that?" I asked the delivery man who could not put such a big dog through my letter box.

He looked at his delivery note and read, "A ginger cat called Albatross!"

"So?" I asked, "do you see a mistake here perhaps?"

He looked at the dog and said, "he's a bit big for a cat!"

"Of course he's big, he is not a cat," I said holding back my temper, "he is a Golden Labrador, not a damn cat!"

"Do you not want him?" he replied, "he is bigger than a cat, and very friendly. Saves me having to return him to the depot. Besides, this delivery note was in the cage he was in. It says ginger cat named Albatross. So he's definitely yours, look the address is correct as well!"

To cut a long story short, as you have guessed, someone at the depot had mistakenly put the wrong delivery notes on the cages. We got down to his delivery van. It was full of cages with rabbits, hamsters, guinea pigs, parrots, snakes, tortoises and other creatures due for delivery. And, you've guessed it again, all the delivery notes were on the wrong cages. The snake was labelled a parrot, the parrot was labelled a hamster and so on.

We found my ginger cat called Albatross. His delivery note said tortoise called Speedy to be delivered to a totally different address to mine.

I convinced the delivery man to give me my cat in exchange for the Labrador called Pussycat.

Love letter from my past

 

Hello mon petit choux, my little cabbage. I thought I'd write to let you know I missed you since we last met on Saturday at the back of the fast food burger bar. 

Sorry I had to run and leave you but I had to get home before the football match started on TV. I hope you got the bus home all right and you were not bothered by any weirdos like that man eating pickled onions you told me about. 

I really should have walked you home, or at least took the bus with you; but it was an important football match. Sadly my team lost, dad got drunk, mom got upset and locked herself in the bedroom, and dad slept on the couch. I got in my room and my thoughts turned to you, and I was very upset that my team lost at football. 

To comfort me, and in the absence of your presence cuddling next to me, I took my pet to bed with me instead. The next morning the bed and I were all wet and my goldfish had died. I shall have to replace him before the next time I am alone without you.

I can't live ... if living is without you ... I can't give ... I can't give any more. I gave you all the spare change I had for you to take the bus. I cried myself to sleep. Every night I wake up crying. Tears on my pillow and pain in my heart. You on my mind. Yes ... when I woke up this morning, you were on my mind. Maybe I didn't treat you quite as good as I should have. Maybe I didn't love you quite as often as I could have. We've only just met really, but you were always on my mind. You were always on my mind.

I wondered how you are getting on in your new job at the slaughterhouse. You being a vegetarian and all. Perhaps next time we should not meet at the burger bar. Are there any vegetarian burger bars? We can share some sauerkraut and root beer. 

I hope there will be a next time and you will want to go out with me again. I really enjoyed our first date. So much so I will tattoo your name on my chest, close to my heart. Let me know how you spell your name.

I love you darling Caitryn ... Cietrin ... (I really can't remember how you spell your name. Is it i before e except after c? Or does your name start with a k not a c?) I look forward to seeing you in your golden leotard at your next wrestling match my Mighty Meatless Muscles.

P.S. - Did you find your lost doggie?

 

Galileo ... Galileo ... Magnifico-o-o-o-o

 

This history lesson will focus on how we got to find out that the earth is round and revolves around the sun as well as round itself.

It all started a long time ago in Italy when a man called Galileo Galilei (1564–1642) became a famous mathematician, physicist and philosopher. He was born in Pizza in Italy and often walked leaning sideways. This is because he had one leg shorter than the other. When he eventually became famous the townsfolk built a tower in his honour and made it lean sideways to look just like him.

He achieved great distinction amongst society by doing his homework whilst at school and not wasting time watching TV or playing video games. This proved easy for him because at the time neither TV nor video games had been invented; so it was either a choice of doing homework or helping with the household chores.

Anyway, as he grew up Galileo used to think a lot. He would sit on a chair in the veranda for hours and just think rather than help his father work in the fields. One day he looked over the field at the people far away and wondered why they were small. "Do people shrink as they walk away from you?" he thought. "And how is it they grow up again the closer they get to you?"

It was a mystery which exercised his imagination until his friend Vidi Maximus suggested that he should invent the telescope.

It is worth noting here that Vidi Maximus was the second of the three Max Brothers - Veni, Vidi, Vici.

Vici was always fighting, whereas Vidi had great foresight as well as hindsigth because he had eyes at the back of his head. Not much is known of the elder brother Veni.

But I digress as I often do to add interest to my conversations and to check whether you're still paying attention or have fallen asleep.

So, using a few inner rolls of toilet paper Galileo stuck them together and made a long cardboard tube. He looked down one end and was disheartened to find that the men in the field were just as small as before.

It took Vidi Maximus quite a lot of patience to explain to Galileo that it would be better if he were to put some lenses in the tube first. And that's how Galileo invented the telescope.

One day as he was sitting in the veranda thinking, Galileo noticed that the shadow of a nearby tree moved every so often and it was not always in the same place. He looked up to the sun and was nearly blinded by its brilliance; so he cursed that he had not invented sunglasses as well as the telescope.

He figured out that either the sun is moving around and so giving the illusion that the shadow is moving, or the sun is standing still in one place and it was the earth which was moving.

He waited until nightfall and then he got his friend Vidi Maximus to walk in a big circle in the street holding a lit torch. To his delight he noticed that as Vidi walked around in a big circle the shadow of the tree moved round as well. This proved to Galileo that the earth moved around the tree ... until Vidi patiently once again pointed out that the earth moved around the sun not the tree.

Eventually, the slow Galileo saw the light, from the torch as well as in his head, and realised that the earth indeed moved round a stationary sun. They were both so excited by their great discovery that they stopped suddenly and cheered at the top of their voices. Unfortunately they were run over by a passing fast chariot.

The following day, dazed and bedraggled, Galileo got out of hospital and decided to go public with his discovery. He told everyone that the earth revolves around the sun. They all laughed at him.  

Some church people said that this was all heresy and he should be arrested.

It was at this period, whilst challenged for his beliefs, that he is supposed to have said "Eppur si muove!"

This is a famous saying which in Italian means "and yet it moves".

This is believed to refer to the fact that he maintained at all times that the earth revolves around the sun; and has nothing to do with the notion that he was referring to his over-large mother-in-law who got up from her chair to make everyone a well deserved Expresso coffee.

Unbelievable Horror Story

 

You'll never believe this story. In fact I hardly believe it myself. But it did happen. To me. Years ago. In the wilds of Scotland it was.

I went to visit an old friend called McPherson who lived out on the moors up in the Highlands. His house, or shack, was out there at the foot of a mountain. No electricity, or running water. Just running cockroaches as I recall. I killed one of them and within minutes my bed was infested with other cockroaches. They had come for the funeral. Ominous I thought.

He was an odd fellow, McPherson. Although well educated with various University degrees he chose to live alone in the wild relying on his inventiveness and wit to survive. 

As I recall, he always stank like a skunk. Partly because he had no bathroom in his small wooden shack. He used to bathe in the river once a month whether he needed it or not; until one day he was bitten by a hungry fish searching for worms. After that, he bathed wearing an old diving suit he had from his deep-sea diving days. He claimed that a bout of flatulence helped him float. 

The first evening with McPherson it rained heavily and there was thunder and lightning. We were outdoors, McPherson and me, gathering fire wood to keep us warm that evening. Every so often there was a strike of lightning which lit the sky and the surrounding area. This was followed by a low rumble from the thunder. Apparently, you always see the lightning first and then hear the thunder. Unless you're indoors and perhaps you don't see the lightning at all; unless the roof has blown off.

Well, we were outdoors and as there was some sudden lightning I thought I saw someone moving in the woods near us. It may have been my imagination but it looked like a skeleton. He had no body with him. He was all alone! So thin you'd say he was skin and bones; only he did not have the skin.

I told McPherson about it but he was totally unperturbed. He said it was probably the ghost of Joshua McAdamia. An old nut who lived in the shack nearby. He died years ago when trying to harness lightning to light a cigarette with. He stood there in a night like this with a long metal pole in hand, hoping to direct the lightning to the end of the cigarette on his lips. Sure enough the lightning caught the metal pole and turned McAdamia into a roasted nut.

"He comes out on nights like this to borrow a cigarette from you. I always turn him down," said McPherson, "because I smoke a pipe not cigarettes."

We hurried indoors with whatever wood we had and lit a fire to keep us warm. As we sat there eating beans and vegetarian sausages ... oh ... I forgot to mention, McPherson was a vegetarian. He only ate sausages and burgers and such stuff made from mushrooms or similar spores or fungi. It tasted like rubber but without the taste of rubber. 

I don't know about you, but I resent vegetarians making things like sausages and burgers. Meat eaters invented those shapes first. Vegetarians should invent their own shapes like cubic sausages and square burgers. 

Anyway, as we sat there eating there was a knock at the door. "Who is that at this hour?" I thought. 

"It is probably McAdamia," said McPherson, "he often comes round to borrow a cup of tea or coffee. He says it goes right through him!"

Well I don't know about you, but I suddenly got the urge to go to the toilet. The shack did not have such a facility. You have to go out and choose a tree, or hide behind a bush if you're a lady.

I certainly was not going out in weather like that, especially with McAdamia's skeleton in search for liquid refreshment.

"What do we do now?" I asked in trepidation. 

"Just cross your legs tight together till morning," he said, "I always do that rather than go out and get wet!"

"Tell me more about McAdamia," I said to pass away the time and take my mind off my predicament.

"Oh, he's a nice fellow all right," replied McPherson, "rather skeletal in appearance and somewhat transparent. I bet he's still out there behind the door in the rain. But he doesn't get wet and shivery like you or I would. Always as dry as a bone. One day, whilst he was asleep, his dog ate his legs. When he woke up in the morning he was furious, but he did not have a leg to stand on. So I made him another pair of legs from a tree branch that had fallen in the storm! From then on I called him Splinters. He loves to say "Ooh ARRRR!" and pretend he is a pirate. Because he is a vegetarian too, he has a carrot on his shoulder!"

I eventually fell asleep. The next morning I noticed that the door of the shack was loose on one of its hinges. No doubt that's what made it rattle in the wind all through the night. 

Was there a McAdamia knocking at the door? Was it one of McPherson's sick inventive jokes from his repertoire of wit? 

I did not have time to ask him. I ran outside to the nearest tree and then jumped in my car and drove off as fast as I could. No doubt McPherson was bathing in the river because I noticed the diving suit was not in the shack.

Do NOT Be Afraid

 

                                     DO NOT BE AFRAID

If we are honest, we have all been afraid at one time or another in our lives. Afraid about something that might happen to us, or to our loved ones. And our fear, whether warranted or not, weakens our faith in God our loving Father. This song should prove comforting when we are in such mental turmoil.

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FATHER FRANCIS MAPLE

WEBSITE HERE

What do you believe?

 

What are you praying for right now? A need or a want? For you or for someone else? Do you believe that  God is listening and will respond in His own way and in His time? How sure and certain are you of this?

Do you know God?

 

Here are some comforting thoughts.

John 14:7-14 

"If you know me, you will know my Father also. From now on you do know Him and have seen Him."

Philip said to Him, "Lord, show us the Father, and we will be satisfied." Jesus said to Him, "Have I been with you all this time, Philip, and you still do not know me? Whoever has seen me has seen the Father."

Jesus here is not trying to teach Philip and the disciples about the Holy Trinity. This was, and still is, too difficult a concept for those people and us to understand.

Jesus is teaching a far easier lesson for those people, and us, to understand. He says, "Believe me that I am in the Father and the Father is in me; but if you do not, then believe me because of the works themselves."

Jesus is telling us that the best way to know God is by looking at Him, (Jesus), and the way He behaved. When we see His kindness, His closeness to sinners and to those marginalised by others, when we see His many miracles helping those in need, when we see His love and mercy and forgiveness, even to those who nailed Him to the Cross, when we see to what extent He was ready to share our human condition, and to care for us; then we are seeing God, our loving Father.

This is what God looks like. A loving, caring, merciful and forgiving Father.

Jesus also gives us a promise here, "I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If in my name you ask me for anything, I will do it."

How comforting is that?

Exercise

As I was saying

 

Teacher: How many feet in a yard?
Pupil: That depends! How many people are in the yard?

 

The teacher says, "OK class, I'd like you all to tell me what you need at home.

Susie says, "We need a computer".

Wendy says, "We need a car".

Mary says, We need a new washing machine”.

Johnny says, "We don't need anything Miss".

Teacher says, "Come on Johnny, everyone needs something?"

"No Miss, My parents were happily watching their favourite program on TV when my sister came home with her new boyfriend and my Dad said, Well, that's all we need!”

 

Ken and Rita had finished their breakfast at the retirement home and were relaxing in the library. "You know," said Rita, "today, in most marriage ceremonies, they don't use the word 'obey' any more."

"Too bad, isn't it?" retorted Ken. "It used to lend a little humour to the occasion."

 

I was having dinner with a world chess champion the other day. Our table had check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

 

A vicar is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the vicar moves closer to the boy's position.

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the vicar smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

The boy replies, "Now we run!"

 

Two men in Court. Judge asks the first: “Where do you live?” “No fixed abode!”

He asks the other man “And you, where do you live?” "In the apartment above him!"

 

Postman: Is this letter for you sir? The name's obliterated.
Man: No, my name's Peterson. 

Patient: Doctor help me. I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Psychiatrist: And when did this start exactly?
Patient: Ever since I was a puppy.
Psychiatrist: I see. Please get on the couch.
Patient: I'm not allowed on the couch!

A ventriloquist sitting on the stage goes through his routine. The dummy he's holding tells one blonde joke after another ... "there was this blonde ..."

The audience laugh themselves to tears. Eventually a blonde woman has had enough. She stands up and shouts "Stop all these jokes. They are degrading and insulting to blondes everywhere. You should be ashamed!"

The ventriloquist stops his act and says "I'm sorry madam ... I meant no offence."

She says "I'm not talking to you ... I'm talking to the little man on your knee."

Best Vacuum Cleaner Ever

Salesman: Hello Sir. I would like to demonstrate to you the greatest invention ever. May I come in?

Man: Yes ... come in ...

Salesman: I would like to show you the latest invention which will revolutionise the world. This vacuum cleaner does not use any electricity at all. And no batteries either. What do you think of that?

Man: Neat!

Salesman: For a moment I thought you'd say it sucks!

Man: No ... it's neat!

Salesman: Indeed it is neat. And it will make your whole house neat. And it will save you hundreds of dollars in electricity. Because it does not use electricity, or batteries which you have to re-charge. And what's more ... no electricity means it will help save the planet because you are not using any power at all. So you save money and you save the planet. What do you say now?

Man: Neat!

Salesman: Yes ... double neat indeed. Let me show you how it works. You are married are you?

Man: Yes.

Salesman: Good ... because this vacuum cleaner requires the help of one's spouse to make it work. We call it Perfect Partnership. Husband and wife working in harmony together. Or indeed any couple, friends living together, or any two or more people working in harmony together to save money and to save the planet at the same time. Shall I show you how it works?

Man: Yes please.

Salesman: I'll pretend to be your wife and I will operate this hand pump here. As I pump up and down up and down ... see how I do it ... you will move the vacuum cleaner head backwards and forwards and suck all the dirt from the carpet. Let's try it ... what do you think?

Man: Neat ... it's great ...

Salesman: You bet it's neat ... it picks up all the dirt ingrained deep in the fibres of the carpet. And no electricity whatsoever. All it needs is me to pump up and down and you to suck in all that nasty dirt.

Man: It missed a bit over there.

Salesman: Yes it does every now and then. But you can always pick the bits it missed with your hand and put them in the trash bin. I bet you can't guess how much this new invention costs!

Man: I have no idea!

Salesman: Well, for you ... as an introductory offer seeing you are the first house I called on in your area ... this latest modern invention is yours for only $100. Do you like it?

Man: I do ... I think ...

Salesman: I'll tell you what ... I am authorised to make you a special offer. If I leave this vacuum cleaner with you for a month, and you demonstrate it to all your neighbours, family and friends ... for every vacuum cleaner you sell I'll give you $10. You only need to sell 10 in a month and I'll give you this cleaner for free instead. What do you say to that?

Man: Neat!

Salesman: Neat indeed ... now let me get your John Hancock signature on this contract here ... By the way, what will you do with your existing electric vacuum cleaner?

Man: I'll throw it away. It's only gathering dust!

The Best Moment

 

There we were in the Parish Hall listening to the priest give one of his Bible Study lectures. There were not many of us; about half a dozen or so. To illustrate his point, (I can't remember what the point was; I was looking out the window wondering whether we'll have pizza for supper), anyway ... as I was saying, to illustrate his point the priest asked us to write anonymously on a piece of paper ... so I wrote "anonymously" ... no ... no ... I was joking. 

Let's start again ... the priest asked us to write anonymously what was the best moment in our lives.

He then collected the pieces of paper and read them out one at a time. The first one said the best moment was when she gave birth to her baby and how she'll never forget holding him in her arms just minutes old. The woman identified herself and described that lovely moment and the group said, "Aaah ... how beautiful"

The second piece of paper was also baby related. This man had said how he remembers his baby daughter holding tight to his little finger. What a moment that was.

A young woman said her best moment was when her husband proposed to her; and she realised for the first time how it felt to be loved. She cried as her piece of paper was read out by the priest.

There was also a touching moment when someone's child was healed after a serious life-threatening illness.

My piece of paper was the penultimate to be read. The priest read, "I had a nice apple pie earlier this week!"

The priest looked at me and said, "Is that all?"

I did not help by saying, "I had vanilla ice cream with it too!"

I hate these stupid sessions where they ask personal questions. How was I to know what they meant by beautiful moments? My wife is angry with me !!! She has told me of many best moments in my life since we met. I can't remember many of them. Why is it you women like to tell men how lucky we are!

You're not as bad as all that.

 

Don't worry .... you're not as bad as all that. Not as bad as you think.

If we're honest with ourselves, we have all had times of doubts and confusion in our lives. Times when things were a little bad and we wondered whether God cares for us. Whether He has abandoned us. Whether we are not such a high priority in His In-Tray and whether He was more busy with someone else's problems. We may even have wondered whether He exists at all. And questioned the real basis of our faith.

Let us consider His followers and disciples. They had been with Him for three years or so. They had heard Him preach and lived with Him. They witnessed many miracles. Turning water into wine, feeding the thousands, walking on water, calming the sea. They witnessed His kindness and healings. The blind were made to see again. The lame to walk, the dumb to talk, and the deaf to hear once more. They saw the lepers cleaned and those possessed by the devil made free and whole again. They even saw the dead raised back to life. They witnessed Christ dying and be raised from the dead. He conquered death and evil for ever.

But even they, those who witnessed all this, hesitated when difficulties came their way. They ran away when Jesus was arrested. They betrayed Him, denied knowing Him, would not believe He was raised again unless they had proof, and did not even recognise Him on their way to Emmaus.

They were all too preoccupied with their own problems, Their own safety. Their own well-being. They were too fearful to recognise the truth in front of their very eyes.

They, who witnessed Jesus and His power and His Holy Deity, failed when it was so important not to fail.

So, you're not that bad as all that after all.

God knows when your faith falters, and why it does so. He understands and forgives you as He forgave Peter and the other disciples. 

We all fail Him at some time in our lives. We all have our Emmaus moments. Few people have a strong unfaltering faith no matter the circumstances.

The important thing is to keep on believing. To keep on trying, no matter the circumstances, to believe in Him. 

"Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have come to believe." (John 20:19-31).