I often write about humorous situations which happened to me which I suspect amuse you no end at my expense.
This time however it is different. This is a very serious and true story.
I was yesterday evening abducted by aliens. It happened just like in all the stories you hear and read about alien abductions. Usually you don’t believe such stories and you suspect they’re all made up. Well. For me reality actually happened. I saw a UFO and I was abducted by its occupants.
I can imagine a few of you sniggering already, but I wish you wouldn’t, because I have not quite recovered from this horrendous and frightening experience.
I was out in our garden at about midnight, having finished viewing a movie on TV, and I was there counting the stars as I usually do whilst the dog does his last business for the night. That’s if it’s not raining of course. It’s difficult counting the stars when it’s raining because water gets in your eyes.
I had counted up to 976 when suddenly; out of nowhere, there was this huge cigar shaped thing up in the sky, about 30 or so feet above me.
It was glowing red at first, then an orangey color, then it turned green, and then after a while it turned red again. It took me a while before I realized it was the reflection of the traffic lights nearby.
The actual cigar shape was darkish gray and obviously made of shiny metallic material of some kind. It made no noise or humming sound or anything like that. It just stayed still some 30 feet above me.
The dog didn’t seem to have seen it and continued sniffing around as he often does.
Then a little white aperture appeared on the underside of the cigar; like some door opening. Then a light from the aperture shone on me, like the spotlight you get in the theatre when it shines on a performer on stage. I was very frightened and I must have cried a little because tears ran down my legs.
Loud music started playing all around me. It was Elvis Presley singing “You’re nothing but a hound dog!”
I felt myself rise up from the ground, as if I was being lifted gently by my whole body. Not like having a belt tied to your waist or a harness on your chest and shoulders; there seemed no upward lifting pressure on my body whatsoever. I was just floating gently upwards to the beat of rock music.
It lasted a few seconds and then I was inside this large room with bright lights everywhere. Just like you see in space movies.
Dark shadows hovered around me and spoke in squeaking high pitched sounds, like mice I suppose.
I was led gently towards a large bed by two humanoid shapes. They must have been females because they looked like wearing earrings and red lipstick and well developed chests.
I moved along, almost gliding, with them and next thing I was tied by these big metal clamps to the bed. Clamps round my arms, wrists, legs, waist, chest and neck. I could not move and a bright light shone above me. Exactly like it happens in abduction stories.
I heard a voice speak in English. “Ah … we’re having duck à l’orange for dinner I see!”
Then another voice said “No point in changing him into a duck! He’s a poor specimen anyway, no fat whatsoever, all stringy and wiry and tough as the sole of my shoe!”
“Shall we analyze him all the same?” said another voice, “see what we can learn!”
I felt as if a million eyes were watching every bit of me.
Then they started laughing in unison. I can’t imagine why.
The next thing that happened was truly horrible and really humiliating.
One of the aliens stripped off my cowboy hat with feather. They replaced it with a metallic helmet with lights going on and off and a lot of wires and tubes attached to it.
“Let’s test for signs of intelligence” said a voice which sounded knowledgeable and authoritative.
The process took a second or two and then the lights above me went out and the clamps set me free.
Everyone left what must have been an operating theater or lab and I was alone with just one individual.
He said, “Hello, I’m Ted, the Captain of this space ship. We have just studied you and analyzed every biological, physical, mental, emotional, psychological and every other possible detail about you.
“Now would you like a tour of the place?”
I couldn’t refuse such a generous and friendly offer after being invaded so thoroughly.
“This is my bedroom,” he said, showing me into his quarters, “my little kitchenette is over there in case I get a little hungry or I’m entertaining privately. My bathroom with power shower is over there. And this is where I sit and relax reading the works of Shakespeare. We all have similar accommodation.”
He then showed me round the whole spaceship and he introduced me to his crew as we had a pint or two with hamburgers and potato chips in their onboard authentic pub and restaurant.
He then suggested we take some souvenir photos together with him and the crew.
“You’ll be able to show these to your leaders,” he said. “You humans never believe that we exist unless you have well developed photos to prove it. Well this time you’ll have all the proof you need.”
We said our goodbyes and the next thing I was in my garden and the cigar shape had disappeared.
I rushed to the authorities and told them what happened. They did not believe me.
I pulled out the photos out of my pocket. Those clever aliens had magically turned them into square pieces of toilet paper.
I have a sneaking suspicion that you don’t believe me either!