Investigating your bedroom habits

I am conducting a research project for the University of Rest and I would be grateful if you would take part in our information gathering exercise. Let me assure you that all information will be treated in the strictest confidence and data will be gathered anonymously by researchers who will not divulge their identity to anyone.

First some background:

We are researching whether sleeping in a North/South position in your bed in alignment with the earth's North/South magnetic polarity affects the way you sleep. Will you have a restless night and possibly have nightmares too? Or will it make no difference? How is your sleep affected if you slept in an East/West position instead?

In order to gather data for our research we went out and asked peoples' views and experiences on the matter.

First, we visited a street in a nearby town which coincidentally is aligned exactly in an East/West direction.

Let's look at the Diagram below:

We visited the man in House A and discovered that his bed is beside the side wall of his house and therefore he sleeps in exactly a North/South alignment. He did admit that he has often not slept well and he sometimes has nightmares.

In order to build up our data of evidence we visited his neighbour living in House B. As luck would have it, this man's bed is aligned with the back wall of the house and therefore he sleeps exactly in an East/West direction. This man said that he often sleeps soundly and wakes up refreshed and ready for a new day.

Encouraged with our findings so far, we went to Houses C and D but there was no one there to answer the door.

We visited other houses down the road and received a variety of responses ranging from, "Mind your own **** business you pervert," to "If you don't go away I'll call the police you **** **** **** !!!"

Undeterred, and fearful for our safety, we rushed to another part of town to continue with our research.

Unfortunately, not all streets run exactly in and East/West direction as in the diagram above. Our towns and cities are built and have grown over the years in all sorts of directions and it is not always possible to live in a house facing exactly North in order to test the validity of our experiment.

We ended up in a street which runs at an oblique to the rest of town, so armed with our compass, we continued with our research.

The Diagram below illustrates the point:

In this street, the man in house A is not sleeping in a North/South position. He is more North/West. He reported that sometimes he sleeps well and wakes up refreshed, whereas at other times he has a disturbed night. This proved inconclusive either way, so we recorded what he said and moved on to his neighbour in House B.

The man in house B sleeps in a North/East direction. He said that sometimes he sleeps so soundly that he does not hear the alarm clock in the morning. At other times, however, he has nightmares, especially if he has eaten a lot of cheese before going to bed.

Discouraged, we certainly were. But we did not give up. We went to House C and asked the man to leave his bed as it is, aligned with the side of the house, but, having loaned him our compass, we asked him to sleep at an oblique and exactly in a North/South direction. (See Diagram above).

The next morning we visited him and he said that not only did he not sleep well, but he also had a cricked neck because his head was overhanging the edge of the bed.

We went to House D and asked the young couple there if they would be willing to sleep in a North/South position and report their findings to us.

The next day they reported that they nearly both fell off the bed sleeping in that position at an angle to the bed. They ended up having a great argument and the husband had to go downstairs and sleep on the couch, whilst his wife locked herself in the bedroom.

When we asked him in which direction he slept on the couch he threatened us with physical violence.

So it's over to you, our readers.

Would you be willing to share with us in which direction you sleep and whether you have noticed any difference in your sleep patterns or the quality of your dreams.

Finally, we have discovered conclusively that sleeping hanging upside down from a hammock is not affected by the direction of the magnetic pull of the earth, but is dangerous because you can fall off and smash your head on the floor.