The Radio Interview

Years ago I used to present radio programs. The most difficult types were the ones were you have to interview someone. No matter how well you prepared, and often they were impromptu interviews without preparation, especially news items, there was often one interviewee who would prove the ultimate in difficulty. 

INTERVIEWER - Hello and welcome to Local News Talk the program that tells you what's been happening in and around where you live right now.

Today we are out in the Market Square, just by the statue of the Ravaged Parrot, and we have with us here Marcus. That is not his real name, by the way. He has asked not to be identified for personal reasons.

Hello Marcus.

MARCUS - Hello.

INTERVIEWER - Now Marcus is not your real name, is that right?

MARCUS - Yes. My real name is James Nott.

INTERVIEWER - James Nott?

JAMES - That's correct.

INTERVIEWER - And you were an eye-witness to what happened here this morning.

JAMES - Wait a minute ... you have just identified me.

INTERVIEWER - No I haven't.

JAMES - Yes you have. You've told everyone my real name. James Nott!

INTERVIEWER - No I haven't. I simply stated that Marcus was not your real name and then you confirmed it as James Nott. So it is you who identified yourself.

JAMES - And ... and ... why are there no cameras? I was told that I would be on national TV.

INTERVIEWER - This is a radio interview for Radio Desperate. We have nothing to do with any TV stations.

And ... incidentally, if you were to appear on TV how would you explain your alias as Marcus when people would probably recognise you as James Nott anyway?

JAMES - I would have appeared on TV as incognito!

INTERVIEWER - I see ... anyway. This is radio only. Now tell us James Nott, in your own words, what did you see?

JAMES - Are we broadcasting live now?

INTERVIEWER - Yes ... Tell our listeners what you saw.

JAMES - Well ... this morning as the market traders were setting up their stalls, a horse came running from over there ...

INTERVIEWER - Don't point, James. This is radio only. The listeners cannot see you point.

JAMES - But what about the TV camera?

INTERVIEWER - There are no cameras. This is radio only. Anyway ... you were saying?

JAMES - The horse came from over there ...

INTERVIEWER - Don't point ...

JAMES - Sorry ... the horse came from where that red car is parked ...

INTERVIEWER - The listeners can't see the car either. Dear listeners, let me explain, the horse allegedly came from the High Street, just by the Poor Peoples' Bank. We have to say allegedly for legal reason in case what we say is not accurate.

JAMES - What do you mean?

INTERVIEWER - Well, in case someone denies that it happened. Or that it was a horse that caused the incident.

JAMES - You mean it could have been an elephant? I know a horse when I see one. Are you calling me a liar?

INTERVIEWER - No, of course not ... please continue ...

JAMES - Well ... the horse, or the dinosaur, or whatever other creature it was, came from where the red car is parked over there, ran through here, toppled this stall and then jumped over this one, hit that bicycle that's all broken on the ground, and then escaped this way down there.

INTERVIEWER - One moment James. The listeners can't see all the things you're pointing at. You saw a horse come running from the High street ...

JAMES - Yes ...It was at least that high, a big animal it was, or it could have been a bit smaller. It was difficult to tell because he was going so fast. I would say it was perhaps this high. It was a he .. I could tell because it was obvious by his ...

INTERVIEWER - Yes ... I understand ...

JAMES - He was a dark brownish beast; perhaps a little black but not too black in colour, more dark grey brownish I would say. It was almost exactly the colour of that wooden fence over there. Which he did not break by the way when the horse jumped over it. It was already broken. And also ... I can say for definite ... not allegedly or anything like that ...

INTERVIEWER - Thank you James. That's all we have time for.

Well, dear listeners ... This has been the most difficult interview I have ever conducted. I am now leaving this way, to go over there, to that pub near here, where I will have a pint or three of drinks to help me recover.