Thursday, 28 June 2018

The case of the missing snails



"Allo ... je suis Police Inspector Ivan My-Grain. I ave come ere to investigate ze disappearance of your entire stock of ze escargots ... zis wiz me is ze policeman Rat ... Ratatouille."

"Rat ... Ratatuoille?"

"No ..." said the Inspector, "just Ratatouille. I ave ze stammer ... who are you?"

"I am ze owner of ze snail farm, and ziz is my wife Madame Leggert!"

"What can you tell us about ze vanishing of ze snails?" asked Ratatouille.

"We got ze idea to farm snails for ze restaurants five years ago," explained Madame Leggert, "my husband and I we were in Paris, e was drunk az always, and e fell in ze river. E was in Seine!"

"And zat is when we got ze idea," interrupted her husband, "we came ere in zis lovely countryside and we started an open air ze free range snail farm. Ze snails are let free to walk in ze grass in ze morning and we get zem in at night. When zey are big and plump we sell zem to the Paris restaurants! C'est délicieux n'est ce pas?"

"Yes, I'm sure zey are delicious," said Inspector My-Grain, "but ow did zey escape?"

"Zey opened ze barn door and zey run away," cried Madame Leggert, "my poor babies ... I miss zem so. Zey were veree precious to me".

"But you intended to eet zem," said Ratatouille, "or sell zem to be eaten. How could zey be precious to you?"

"We get plenty of ze money for zem," she explained, "we sell zem for ten francs ze dozen ..."

"Un moment s'il vous plaît," said ze inspector, ... sorry ... the inspector, "I ave received a report zat a lot of ze snails ave eaten a whole field of lettuces about ten kilometres from ere. Are zese your snails do you think?"

"Will we be charged for ze damaged lettuces?" asked Madame Leggert.

"Probably ... yes," replied My-Grain.

"Zen zey are absolument not ours," she replied, "definitely not zem!"

"Ow can you be so sure?" asked Ratatouille.

"Our snails zey are good with ze garlique sauce not with ze lettuce," she replied crossing her fingers behind her back.

"Zat is true, Inspector," said Ratatouille, "zey are better with ze garlique sauce and ze glass of ze wine!"

Inspector My-Grain looked at his smart phone and declared, "I ave anozer report zat a lot of ze snails ave entered Paris. Zey are evry where. Montmartre, Ze Louvre, Ze Tour Eiffel, zey are running a mocking evry where. Zey are climbing up peuples' legs as far az iz possible. Some ave reached possible. We can not ave ze snails in peuples' private business. Zis iz in Seine!"

"We ave all ready used zis joke Inspector," said Ratatouille.

The inspector ignored Ratatouille and asked the farming couple, "Ave you any idea ow ze snails are moving so fast? Ave you been feeding zem laxative to give zem ze running?"

"Of course not ..." said Madame Leggert, "zey probably took a taxi to Paris!"

"Zis is true," continued her husband, "ze bus from ere eet is veree slow and only come every day or so. Eet iz so not reliable. Ze snails zey probably took ze taxi to Paris!"

"Ring all ze taxi firms," My-Grain said to Ratatouille, "ask zem if zey have ad anee snail customers going to Paris. Not anee where else. Just Paris!"

"Oui mon Capitaine," replied the policeman as he tapped his cell phone.

"And now ... I want to do ze search of ze farm," said My-Grain, "in ze case zere is a slow snail we can interrogate eet!" 

Whilst they were searching the living room the TV was switched on and the Newsreader said: "We understand zat a spokes man for ze snails, Monsieur Slimee Guy, pronounced Gheeee, and not like ze English Gayeee, eet iz Monsieur Slimee Gheeee. Any ways, e as said zat ze snails want to stop ze peuples from ze eeting zem!"

"Oh zut alors ..." cried Madame Leggert slapping her face with her hands, "if ze peuples zey stop eeting ze snails we weel be ruined. No more monee for selling ze snails". 

"You could always farm ze grenouilles ... ze frogs," suggested My-Grain.  

"But ... ow do wee stop zem from running ze away?" asked her husband.

"You just cut zeir legs ..." said Inspector My-Grain.

And that's how a new delicacy was created.


Police Inspector Ivan My-Grain --- Ivan Aspirin
Policeman Ratatouille --- Rat Au Vin
Madame Leggert --- Plaster of Paris
Her Husband --- Under Ze Thumb

Snails supplied by Speedy Gonzales

No snails or any other animals have been harmed in the making of this story.

Based on an idea by Mevely.

P.S. If you like this Blog, why not tell others about it? Mention it to your readers on your Blogs and invite them to join the fun here. Thank you.


  1. Your imagination is wonderful Victor!
    Thank you for sharing it with us.
    Humor is great medicine!
    It's only side effect is that laughing can be contagious :)

    Blessings 💮

    1. Thank you for your kindness and generosity, Jan. Sometimes ideas just come to mind from nowhere. As a result of yesterday's post, Mevely asked me to write about the escaped snails. I'm so pleased you enjoyed this story.

      God bless you always.

  2. Humor works wonders, doesn't it? "Snails supplied by Speedy Gonzales" cracked me up, Victor.
    Enjoy your evening.

    1. Indeed, Bill. I think I developed a sense of humour at an early age.

      God bless you, my friend. Best wishes.

  3. Wow, Victor, I can't believe your created such a clever sequel so quickly! This was so funny, my friend - keep it up.

    1. Thank you Martha. I'm so glad you likes it. Thankfully, this story came to mind but a bit late, (about half past midnight), so I had to write it quickly before I forgot it.

      God bless you and yours.

  4. What Martha Jane just said … brava! (… and thanks for the shout-out!) I'm not sure what most teased my funny bone - in Seine or the garlique? As far as iz Possible, have a blessed eve!

    1. I am so glad you liked this story, Mevely. I tried to keep it in character so I used the French Inspector Maigret to investigate. Do you have him on TV in the USA?

      God bless.

    2. Honestly, I've no idea ... I'm not a big TV watcher. Sorry!

  5. :D

    After eating all that lettuce, the snails may have grown. And if the lettuce was contaminated, it might mutate the mollusks: resulting in giant mutant racing snails.

    1. That's probably exactly what happened Brian. That's what's making the snails run so fast up peoples' legs. As far as possible.

      God bless.

  6. OY! This is one of your punniest stories yet!

  7. Another funny story for us all to enjoy. : )

  8. You did Mevely (Myra) proud!! Another fun tale!

    1. So pleased you enjoyed it too, Terri.

      God bless.

  9. What fun! You did it again, Victor!!

  10. Oops … I'm a little late to your post.
    Rally enjoyed it though, you have such a wonderful imagination, thank you.

    All the best Jan

    1. Thank you for your very kind comments, Jan. Ideas seem to come to mind from nowhere.

      I'm so glad you enjoy my stories. have you tried my humourous books?.

      God bless.



God bless you.