YESTERDAY MEVELY ASKED ME TO WRITE A STORY ABOUT THE ESCAPED SNAILS.
"Allo ... je suis Police Inspector Ivan My-Grain. I ave come ere to investigate ze disappearance of your entire stock of ze escargots ... zis wiz me is ze policeman Rat ... Ratatouille."
"Rat ... Ratatuoille?"
"No ..." said the Inspector, "just Ratatouille. I ave ze stammer ... who are you?"
"I am ze owner of ze snail farm, and ziz is my wife Madame Leggert!"
"What can you tell us about ze vanishing of ze snails?" asked Ratatouille.
"We got ze idea to farm snails for ze restaurants five years ago," explained Madame Leggert, "my husband and I we were in Paris, e was drunk az always, and e fell in ze river. E was in Seine!"
"And zat is when we got ze idea," interrupted her husband, "we came ere in zis lovely countryside and we started an open air ze free range snail farm. Ze snails are let free to walk in ze grass in ze morning and we get zem in at night. When zey are big and plump we sell zem to the Paris restaurants! C'est délicieux n'est ce pas?"
"Yes, I'm sure zey are delicious," said Inspector My-Grain, "but ow did zey escape?"
"Zey opened ze barn door and zey run away," cried Madame Leggert, "my poor babies ... I miss zem so. Zey were veree precious to me".
"But you intended to eet zem," said Ratatouille, "or sell zem to be eaten. How could zey be precious to you?"
"We get plenty of ze money for zem," she explained, "we sell zem for ten francs ze dozen ..."
"Un moment s'il vous plaît," said ze inspector, ... sorry ... the inspector, "I ave received a report zat a lot of ze snails ave eaten a whole field of lettuces about ten kilometres from ere. Are zese your snails do you think?"
"Will we be charged for ze damaged lettuces?" asked Madame Leggert.
"Probably ... yes," replied My-Grain.
"Zen zey are absolument not ours," she replied, "definitely not zem!"
"Ow can you be so sure?" asked Ratatouille.
"Our snails zey are good with ze garlique sauce not with ze lettuce," she replied crossing her fingers behind her back.
"Zat is true, Inspector," said Ratatouille, "zey are better with ze garlique sauce and ze glass of ze wine!"
Inspector My-Grain looked at his smart phone and declared, "I ave anozer report zat a lot of ze snails ave entered Paris. Zey are evry where. Montmartre, Ze Louvre, Ze Tour Eiffel, zey are running a mocking evry where. Zey are climbing up peuples' legs as far az iz possible. Some ave reached possible. We can not ave ze snails in peuples' private business. Zis iz in Seine!"
"We ave all ready used zis joke Inspector," said Ratatouille.
The inspector ignored Ratatouille and asked the farming couple, "Ave you any idea ow ze snails are moving so fast? Ave you been feeding zem laxative to give zem ze running?"
"Of course not ..." said Madame Leggert, "zey probably took a taxi to Paris!"
"Zis is true," continued her husband, "ze bus from ere eet is veree slow and only come every day or so. Eet iz so not reliable. Ze snails zey probably took ze taxi to Paris!"
"Ring all ze taxi firms," My-Grain said to Ratatouille, "ask zem if zey have ad anee snail customers going to Paris. Not anee where else. Just Paris!"
"Oui mon Capitaine," replied the policeman as he tapped his cell phone.
"And now ... I want to do ze search of ze farm," said My-Grain, "in ze case zere is a slow snail we can interrogate eet!"
Whilst they were searching the living room the TV was switched on and the Newsreader said: "We understand zat a spokes man for ze snails, Monsieur Slimee Guy, pronounced Gheeee, and not like ze English Gayeee, eet iz Monsieur Slimee Gheeee. Any ways, e as said zat ze snails want to stop ze peuples from ze eeting zem!"
"Oh zut alors ..." cried Madame Leggert slapping her face with her hands, "if ze peuples zey stop eeting ze snails we weel be ruined. No more monee for selling ze snails".
"You could always farm ze grenouilles ... ze frogs," suggested My-Grain.
"But ... ow do wee stop zem from running ze away?" asked her husband.
"You just cut zeir legs ..." said Inspector My-Grain.
And that's how a new delicacy was created.
CUE MUSIC AND FILM CREDITS
Police Inspector Ivan My-Grain --- Ivan Aspirin
Policeman Ratatouille --- Rat Au Vin
Madame Leggert --- Plaster of Paris
Her Husband --- Under Ze Thumb
Snails supplied by Speedy Gonzales
No snails or any other animals have been harmed in the making of this story.
Based on an idea by Mevely.
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