Saturday, 12 October 2019
And that's life round the hood ...
My neighbour Jeremy has had 38 concussions in a matter of a week or so. He only lives a stone's throw away.
He is normally a well balanced man. He has a chip on each shoulder.
He often complains that his bad luck in life is due to his continuous bad health. He is such a hypochondriac that he has bought his burial plot next to a doctor's.
He used to work for the police force. His job was to trace in chalk on the ground around a body when it is found in unexplained circumstances. He was fired from the job when one day he traced round a body 25 times. He did not realise the victim was still alive and moving!
He used to jog daily to keep fit. He ran at least four miles a day. By the end of the week he'd reach the next town.
His wife on the other hand is ... very tall with long black hair going down her back. None on her head, just down her back.
She is so frightening that every time my cat sees her he loses one of his nine lives. So frightening in fact that she looks like a scarecrow. The birds have returned all the seeds they took the previous year.
The poor woman had botox surgery on her face. When they told her how much it cost she was not at all surprised.
Her husband, Jeremy, on the other hand lost a lot of weight through exercise. He had a lot of loose skin in his chest and belly area. Extra skin hanging out where he lost weight. She suggested he visits her beautician. They have this new method where they stretch the loose skin on his front ever upwards. They stretch it very tight upwards and then tie in all the loose skin in a knot behind his shoulders, under the neck. Totally invisible and his new tight skin makes him look very young.
Unfortunately this means that his belly button, (navel), has now gone all the way up to his forehead. He also has a very unusual tie.
She used to work as a typist and met a lot of interesting characters. For lunch she used to have alphabet soup. When she was young her parents thought she was dyslexic. So instead of alphabet soup they gave her ordinary spaghetti.
Her great uncle died suddenly and they did not have time to say goodbye. He collapsed onto a bowl of Cheerios.
Jeremy and his wife had a young son who at 18 left home to become a mime artist. They haven't heard from him since.
When their daughter announced that she was pregnant they asked her, "Are you sure it's yours?"
The other night my neighbour Jeremy phoned me at three in the morning. Can you imagine that? At three in the morning! Luckily I was up practicing on my bagpipes.
In conversation, he complained that our dog is out in the garden barking. The following night I rang him at three in the morning and told him it was not our dog!
A few months back Jeremy complained that he was allergic to his cat's fur. So he gave him away to a friend and got himself another cat.
Sadly, one day the second cat died suddenly. They were both distraught. To be a good neighbour I went out and bought them an identical cat. Now they have two dead cats.
Jeremy went to the doctor to check on his allergy. As soon as he got in the doctor's office he asked him to lie down on the couch. Jeremy asked why and the doctor said he wanted to vacuum clean just where he was standing.
To test for allergy the doctor put various liquids on Jeremy's arm and wrote next to them what they were derived from - like house dust, animal fur and so on, to see which liquid would cause a reaction with the skin. Turned out Jeremy was allergic to the ink in the pen the doctor used.
When they discovered what he was allergic of, Jeremy had relief written all over him. His kids did it with the same pen the doctor used.
To celebrate he bought a dog, which appears to be just as stupid as you can get. To relieve himself he lifts his front leg and wonders why he is getting wet.
It's a breed I'd never heard of before. He is a pointer. He stands there and points, "This is a house. A car. A bicycle ..." and so on.
And that's life in our hood.