Confessions to my Diary

Dear Diary,

Here I am once again sharing a few minutes with you.

The other day I went out to the pizza shop to get myself something to eat. In front of me in the queue was another customer. The pizza man put the customer's pizza in a card box and asked him: "Do you want it sliced in 6 or 8 pieces?"

The man replied: "Six pieces please, I'm not that hungry to eat eight pieces".

God must really love stupid people considering He created so many.

I was thinking about my friend Fred yesterday. I haven’t heard from him since he became a mime artist.

He told me he'd been visiting a hypnotist to cure him of the compulsion to visit hypnotists. He'd gone to a hypnotist to cure him of his fear of heights. He got hypnotised and when he woke up he was on top of the cupboard. Anyway, enough about my friend Fred.

On Tuesday I went to the doctor with fluid on the knee and he said: “You’re not aiming straight!” What did he mean?

I then got this new deodorant stick. The instructions said, "Remove cap and push up bottom." I can barely walk with it, but when I fart I smell real nice.

I went to the cemetery on Wednesday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin. An hour later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

On the way back I remembered that my daughter had asked me for a pet spider for her birthday. So I went to our local pet shop and they were £15 each. Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I then went next door to the baker's and asked him for a wasp. "We don't sell wasps!" he said. "You've got one in the shop window!" I replied.

On Wednesday night Thursday morning my neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 in the morning. Can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

At lunchtime on Thursday I went to a Department Store with a colleague from work. She picked up a pink negligee from the display unit, put it accross her and with a smile she said expectantly: "Do you like this?" I gulped and replied: "I don't look good in a negligee!" She frowned and said nothing. Pink isn't even my favorite color!

On Thursday night I had a terrible dream. I dreamt that the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid ... then I was petrified.

I went to the library on Friday. I stood by the "Geography" shelves and looked at a few books. A few moments later a man approached me and said "Do you realise that all the time you've been standing here a hundred square miles of rainforest have been destroyed?" So I moved somewhere else. I don't want to be responsible for the destruction of any forest.

As I left the library, there were a few people in the street handing out leaflets about Freedom of Speech. One asked me "Do you believe in free speech, Sir?" I nodded and said yes. "Good," he continued, "can I use your cell-phone please?"

On Saturday I went to Confession. The priest said "Do you realise you've confessed the same sins and in exactly the same order for the past five weeks?" I replied "I am a regular sinner. Not a haphazard one who sins informally whenever temptation strikes!"

Some time ago this same priest said to me "You know there are two priests in this Parish. It would be beneficial to you if you confessed to Father Bruno Crusher every now and then!" I replied, "That's funny. It's exactly what Father Bruno said to me when I used to confess to him." 

My priest, undeterred, continued, "Why don't you try St Vincent Church in town for a while?"

Actually I had tried that church some time ago. After a few weeks their priest asked me during Confession "Are you from this Parish?" I said I wasn't. He then said "Go confess in your own Parish. We have enough sinners over here without us having others from somewhere else!"

I think I'll have to be innovative with my sins during Confession. Perhaps I could alter the order in which I say them, and leave a sin out every now and then. See if the priest notices!

On Sunday a friend and I went mountain climbing. Well ... not mountains as such, but very high hills near us. As we almost reached the summit it started raining. My friend slipped and hurt his ankle. He didn't break any bones but he hurt badly. We sheltered behind some rocks and got more and more wet as it continued to rain. It was getting very cold and the evening was drawing in. I was concerned we'd have to spend the night in the open. Then I heard from a distance someone call my name. After a while ... there it was again. Someone with a loud speaker was calling my name and also shouted "We are The Mountain Rescue! We are looking for you!"

I shouted back: "I gave at the office!"

Honestly ... here I was hoping someone would come out and save us, and these people were out for a collection. In this weather too!

Eventually they found us and helped my friend and I down the mountain.

Ha ... ha ... they forgot to pass their collection tin round. So I paid them nothing.