Monday 28 October 2019

In a pickle



I just love pickles. They are juicy, crunchy, sour, salty, tasty and all other good things besides. If you happen to like them, as I do.

I had a large glass jar of pickles and every day I took some out to enjoy with my meal until eventually there was only a tiny little bit of pickle right at the bottom of the jar. It would be a shame to waste it.

So I put my right hand into the jar and tried to dislodge the bit of pickle at the bottom. It was quite a squeeze to get my hand in and … ehm … how shall I say this … my hand got stuck inside the glass jar.

No matter how much I tried to pull it out my hand was stuck inside the jar at the wrist. No twisting or turning would release it.

I remembered from science classes at school that heat expands things and makes them bigger … so a little heat would enlarge the neck of the jar and release my hand.

Wrong.

I poured boiling water inside the jar and nearly cooked my hand trapped in there. I raised my arm up in the air to empty the jar quickly and got hot water splashing all over me.

There must be a logical solution to this. I don’t want to break the jar in case the glass cuts my hand to shreds.

I decided to phone Aunt Philomena. She’s an expert at everything and is sure to have an answer.

It’s difficult picking up the phone and dialing the number with one hand. I picked the phone with my left hand and balanced it gingerly on my left shoulder. Then I started to dial Auntie’s number. As the phone was ringing I got an itch just above my right eye. I raised my right hand to scratch it and hit my head hard with the glass jar knocking myself to the ground.

I must have passed out for a few seconds.

I could hear a distant voice saying “Hello … hello … stop breathing heavily down the phone or I’ll call the police …”

I said incoherently “Is that you Aunt Philomena?”

I explained that I was not a phantom obscene phone call maker and told her my predicament. The poor lady must have been in shock because all she muttered was “Butter … plenty of butter …”

She was obviously thinking about making cakes or something delicious which is quite her forte.

All the talk of butter made me hungry. I went back to the kitchen and with my free hand I put two slices of bread in the toaster.

I got a packet of butter from the fridge but it was too cold and almost solid. To soften it a bit I put the packet in the microwave oven for a minute or so.

When I got it out of the oven it was too hot and I dropped the packet of almost melted butter on the floor.

I bent down to wipe it with a towel and I slipped backwards on the melted butter and the water I had previously splashed all over the place.

As I landed on my back my hand must have struck the ground hard and broke the glass jar into million pieces.

I was found later when my family returned from the shops lying unconscious in a pool of water, congealed butter and broken glass … but no blood.

I blame Aunt Philomena for this!

20 comments:

  1. I just laughed -sorry.

    gramswiswords.blogspot.com

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    1. It's good to laugh. And it is good to see you visiting here. Thanx. Please call again and invite your friends.

      God bless.

      Delete
  2. Me, too! I could just visualize these incidents. In the future, won't you please look for those foodstuffs packaged in plastic (v. glass).

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    1. The reason I try to buy in glass is because, so I am told, the fish in the sea do not like plastic.

      I can't understand how my plastic bottles put carefully in the re-cycle bin end up in the sea.

      For a while I signed every plastic container or wrapper before putting it in the re-cycle bin. This is for me to check (when they show the plastic floating in the sea on TV) whether any of it is mine.

      I have now been told to stop signing plastic waste because the fish do not like the ink in my pen either.

      So that's why I buy things in glass instead of plastic.

      We have been told however not to put the glass jars and bottles in the re-cycle bins. Instead we should take them to the re-cycling centre which is miles away.

      I said that this wastes petrol, (gas), and pollutes the atmosphere and does not do the planet any good.

      I was told to stop being a smart ass and do as I am told.

      I'm confused and concussed from slipping in the kitchen on melted butter.

      God bless.

      Delete
  3. I am laughing to hard at your expense :)
    All you had to do was use a fork instead of your fingers to remove that pickle...but that wouldn't have been nearly as funny :D

    God's Blessings Victor~

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    1. Now you tell me, Jan. At the time I did not think about a fork or spoon. I just put my hand in and got stuck.

      God bless you my friend.

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  4. Oh, the "pickles" you get yourself into, Victor! Lol! Maybe next time, try getting the last pickle out with a fork, as Jan suggests. :)
    Blessings!

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    1. I agree, Martha. Although, to be honest, I am off pickles right now.

      God bless you, Martha.

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  5. You could have dumped the poor pickle in to a bowl and then have it at your pleasure. Easy, simple and you still get the pickle. :)

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    1. I know ... I know ... Bill. We learn with experience.

      God bless, my friend.

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  6. Goodness me … the pickles you do get yourself into!
    But it's always fun to read how you get out of them.

    All the best Jan

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    1. So glad you enjoyed this story, Jan. Keep smiling.

      God bless.

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  7. You sure get yourself into some strange situations! : )
    Maybe you could have used a fork to get the pickle out.
    I think your aunt was wanting you to put the butter on your hand to make it slippery so it would slide right out of the jar!!

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    1. Well, why could my aunt not have explained herself better? She said, "Butter ... plenty of butter!" How was I to know what she meant?

      God bless you, Happyone.

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  8. You were one lucky man. All that for the last pickle in the jar! Like the monkey reaching for the last thing in a jar.

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    1. You are right, Susan. It could have been worse if my hand was cut by the glass.

      God bless.

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  9. Next time, please use a fork to dislodge the pickle piece at the bottom, or a pair of tongs. We don't want your hand cut and you unable to post your adventures!

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    1. Thank you for being so caring, Mimi. I think I have learnt my lesson.

      God bless you always.

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