Friday, 6 November 2020

Miss Hazelwood

 

I remember meeting Miss Hazelwood one dark evening whilst crossing the park on my way home from the pub. She was always a distant kind of person. I could never work out whether she was small or just far away.

She invited me to her house. We entered the living-room. I don't know why they call it that since everything was made or dead materials and nothing was living except some culture in a Petri dish on the table. 

The curtains were drawn. Everything else was real. Furniture, carpets, pictures and so on. 

I drew her attention to the dust on the furniture. She quoted the Bible and said we are dust and we'll return to dust. She does not vacuum clean in case she picked up some dead people.

She was a science teacher at the local college. She also taught graffiti to delinquent youngsters. They called it murals. But you might as well be talking to a wall telling them it was vandalism. They thought vandals were people who wear open toed footwear with straps attached to the sole to the foot.

She explained that sound does not travel in a vacuum. You could scream and no one would hear you. Especially if the vacuum is switched on and there's dust in the bag. That's why she does not vacuum ... in case dead people are screaming their heads off and she can't hear them.

She was a bit eccentric but her heart was in the right place. So was her stomach, liver, kidneys and everything else. 

Except her ears. She had an ear right on her fore head. That was the Final Front Ear!

And her eyes were not the same size. She had an eye as big as a tennis ball. The other one was much bigger.

And a very long nose too. It entered a room ten minutes before her. It was so crooked she could smell round corners. 

She had one foot covered in corn. The other one had wheat. She believed in rotational harvesting.

She confided once that she was not happy. Although she was sometimes grumpy and bashful, and when tired she was dopey and sleepy. But she was never sneezy even though the house was full of dust. So she never needed the doc.

She's looking forwards to Christmas because her family and friends are giving her Gift Vouchers to redeem at the local psychiatrist.

21 comments:

  1. ...she must have been quite a science teacher!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, very cultured Petri dishes all round.

      God bless, Tom.

      Delete
  2. Definitely got a psychic problem.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. To be paid for in Gift Vouchers.

      God bless, Brenda.

      Delete
  3. Now THAT's a splendid idea for Christmas gift-giving!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Indeed, Mevely. Redeemable within a year.

      Keep smiling, and God bless.

      Delete
  4. Replies
    1. You are so right, Bill. I wouldn't want to meet her in a dark lane at night.

      God bless you.

      Delete
  5. I think she needs that visit to the psychiatrist, Victor. To say she's eccentric is being kind - lol! However, once again, you've created a tremendously humorous character. Thanks for the laughs!
    Blessings!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm so glad you enjoyed my latest character creation, Martha. I'll have to think a story to include her in.

      God bless you.

      Delete
  6. Dearest Victor,
    Love your writing style and playing with words. A real word smith!
    Sounds like a dear friend of ours who no longer is with us, he came over for dinner and also another American with a Thai born wife. He was checking her out in regard to her English. So he said to her:'You must finish each potato and pee on your plate...!' She got it though and we all laughed. May there be 'peas'...
    Hugs,
    Mariette

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's a good line, Mariette. I'll have to use it some day. So many words in the English language with double meanings.

      God bless you always.

      Delete
  7. Replies
    1. I did not mention that with her front ear she could hear at night; like bats do.

      God bless, Happyone.

      Delete
  8. The word eccentric comes to mind!

    Happy Weekend Wishes Victor.

    All the best Jan

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The words "run away from her in fear" come to my mind.

      Best wishes always, Jan. God bless.

      Delete
  9. Be careful going to visit her, sometimes culture can rub off.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Point taken Mimi, with more than a pinch of dust.

      God bless always.

      Delete
  10. Did she model for Picasso?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good point. Possible related to him.

      God bless you, JoeH.

      Delete

I PRAY FOR ALL WHO COMMENT HERE.

God bless you.