No Sex In The City

 

I had to go to the big city. I don't like the big city. I hate going there. It is too crowded with too many people and it is always very busy. But I was meeting an old friend from work years ago when we were colleagues. He worked for me. He moved away down South, and me up North. So we agreed to meet in the big city for lunch.

I should have known from the morning it would be a bad day. It was Friday the 14th, but it might as well have been Friday the 13th or any other day of the week or any day of the month. I knew it ... I knew it ... it was going to be a bad day.

I left home early and walked to the railway station. I hate driving to the big city. On my way to the station I met an old neighbour, she's about 60 or so; not really old in age but old because she has lived near us for a long while. Ever since the houses were built in the Middle Ages.

She was walking a pair of dogs. I said, "I didn't know you had any dogs!"

She replied, "They're not my dogs, they're my sister's."

I said, "My ... your sisters are ugly!"

She stared at me and walked away without saying a word. Honestly ... some people have no sense of humour. When I phoned my wife from the train and told her what happened she did not have a sense of humour either. She said I should apologise.

When I arrived in the big city I noticed that much had changed. There were new buildings everywhere that I did not remember from years past. They must have pulled down the old ones and built new ones. I had plenty of time to spare so I walked around a bit.

Guess what? No ... don't bother ... you'll never guess. I ran into an old girl-friend of mine. She was really a delight to see. As pretty as she always was. She was wearing a bright white dress and carried a small red handbag. We stopped and talked and she suggested we go for a cup of tea somewhere.

We went to a coffee shop nearby. She said she was in the city for a job interview. She had really got on in life and with this job she would be getting on really higher. She'd be in the super-league of life!

I was enchanted by every word she said. Then the devil came by to spoil the moment. I told you I knew it from the morning it was going to be a bad day. He nudged my hand and I spilt some tea all over her white dress. Enough to leave a really bad stain up front.

She was as gracious and kind as ever she was. She did not panic and tried to calm me down. She asked me to accompany her to a nearby shop. I waited outside, and after a few minutes she came out wearing another pretty dress in red, to match her handbag.

She asked me if it was OK for me to take her white dress with a stain and post it to her as she could not put it in her handbag, and she had no time to go to the Post Office to post it herself.

I agreed and put her dress in my briefcase.

I walked on to go and meet my friend from work. We'd agreed to meet at his business address where he is now a senior manager.

I stood outside the building for a while. I was still a bit early so I walked backwards and forwards in front of the building. I noticed a security type guy in a uniform come out of the building and with a tiny camera he took a photo of me. Before I could say anything he'd got in again.

I stood there totally flabbergasted. All my flabber was well and truly gasted, I tell you.

Before I came to my senses two security guards came out. The first one and another one. They approached me discreetly and said, "would you please come with us Sir?"

I said, "where? what for?"

The first one said, "Let us not make a scene in public Sir. You have been watching this building for a while; please follow us in!"

I said, "I've come to meet Mr Murgatroid-George The Third, he works here doesn't he?" 

"Indeed he does, Sir," replied the security man, "and he'd be glad to meet you!"

So I followed them into the building. They took me to a small room at the reception entrance and said, "sorry about that, Sir, but we have to search your briefcase. Security reasons, you know!"

"No problem," I said, forgetting what was inside.

They pulled out the white dress with a large brown patch at the front. Looked at each other and one of them said, "not a cross-dresser are you?"

"How dare you?" I said, "of course not ... it doesn't even fit me. And before you ask, this stain is not what you think it is. Not that I know what you think it is. It is tea if you wish to know!"

Why is it that I talk too much when in a panic? I mean ... do you really think I am a cross-dresser? You've been visiting my blog for a while. Have you ever seen me in a dress?

"I was only joking," said the security guard, "we've checked your photo against our file of suspects and your are totally unknown. We have to check all visitors because of potential business and commercial espionage."

"How dare you!" I repeated, "don't you know who I am?"

"No we don't!" was the curt reply.

Oh the ignominy and shame of it all. Not being recognised as a writer and author. I'll have you know that my blog has at least twelve followers; and that includes family and friends

I mean ... can you imagine ... they did not know who I am. You know me don't you? You've been visiting my blog for a while and you know I write books. My family knows me. My neighbours certainly know me ... although many wish they didn't. But these two oafs did not know me. I was totally affronted. All my front was totally fronted. Not to mention the white dress.

By this time, my friend Murgatroid-George The Third came down to meet me and we went to lunch. He paid. Which is the only good thing that happened that day.

My wife laughed at the whole story and cleaned the white dress before posting it to my ex girlfriend.