I don't speak modern

 

I'm not sure I understand this modern world with new fashions and habits and behaviours and lingo.

Time was when I would enter a bar and ask for a beer, or a Guinness. The pub would be a nice room with a bar at one end where you are served by a barman and tables for you to sit with friends and enjoy your drink. Sometimes, there was some music playing from a juke box; but not always.

Now it's different. They have theme bars, with bright lights, and fancy people serving the drinks, who speak a totally different language. In the past if I wanted a strong drink, I'd ask for a whisky, sometimes with soda or ice. People used to ask for a Martini, shaken but not stirred, whatever that means.

Now the drinks have new exotic names which bear no resemblance, nor meaning, to what they are or what they contain. It's like a secret language. The customer says he wants some incomprehensible beverage and the weird-looking barman knows what it is.

I asked for a "Blue Ocean". I got a large glass of some alcoholic base or other, some blue dye to change its colour and two fish sticks. For an extra $2 they put a few shrimps in the glass too. Is that a drink or a meal? It tasted awful.

The other day I was watching a cooking program on TV and this man was making carrot cake. What is that? Carrot is a root vegetable which you have as part of a meal - meat and two veg used to be a staple diet in my days. Like chicken, roast potatoes, carrots and peas. I know some would say this adds up to three; but we were never any good at Math in our family.

Now you have carrots made into a cake. Also, chocolate cakes made of beetroot. You boil the beetroot, mash them into a paste with vegetable oil, add flour, cocoa powder, and baking powder and hey presto a chocolate cake.

I bought both in the supermarket. They tasted passable but lacked some je ne sais quoi ... perhaps a few fish sticks or some tuna and mayonnaise would have improved the recipe.

And then there's clothing. In olden times if you wore torn trousers people would think you're poor and perhaps feel sorry for you. Now you can buy jeans which are pre-torn. And they cost more than normal ones. You can also buy already faded jeans and other clothing. Looking dishevelled is all the rage. 

Also, there's a trend for women to wear a T shirt with one side pulled right down revealing a shoulder, and perhaps more, depending how low you pull down the sleeve. I have not yet worked out whether you should pull down the sleeve on the left or the right side of your body and whether it makes any difference. Is this another secret message by the wearer which I have missed?   

I have now started my own fashion trend in the small locality where I live. I wear jeans two or three sizes too big and large at the waist. I pull them right up to my nipples and hold them tightly by a belt as well as braces. Underneath the braces ... this bit is important ... I wear a knitted pullover in many colours with moth-eaten holes at the front. Also, I make sure that the pullover is tucked tightly into my trousers. The whole ensemble is completed by a brown shabby and tatty tweed jacket with leather patches at the elbows. Also an old hat with deliberate oil marks made from left-over margarine, (not butter), and a pipe in my mouth; although I do not actually smoke. 

Sometimes, depending on my mood, I sprinkle some bread crumbs in my beard for added effect. Although I've discovered this tends to attract birds when I fall asleep on a park bench. I woke up once and there was a seagull pecking at my beard. 

People look at me in the streets, pointing and speaking to each other. I'm sure this new modern fashion will soon catch on around here ... and perhaps internationally. 

How about you? Are you au fait with modern society? Or are you a trend setter ready to show the world your individualism?