Stupidity on legs

 

Giraffes are stupid looking creatures. They consist of a funny shaped body suspended high up in mid air on four tall legs and then a very long neck reaching the sky with a tiny horse shaped head with horns.

Totally stupid if you ask me. Why the horns? To attack mosquitoes or low flying matadors?

And why such a long neck? By the time it eats something and it reaches down to its stomach the giraffe is hungry again. Surely it would have been better to have the stomach higher up; nearer the mouth perhaps.

And why such long legs? What is there up there that's so interesting to see?

Such a tall creature would have been ideal to play basketball. But it's so stupid it cannot bounce the ball and walk at the same time.

Have you seen it take a drink? It cannot bend its neck and get its head down like a horse would do. It spreads its front legs wide like a limbo dancer and lowers its front end until the head reaches the pool of water.

A friend of mine works in a zoo. He looks after the giraffes. One Saturday he had just one job to do and then the both of us would go to the football match. He had to take one giraffe from the zoo to another animal enclosure about four miles away. 

We got to the zoo early to perform the transfer then have the whole day to ourselves. He had a cage type trailer with an open top so that the giraffe would stand in with its head in the air; and then we'd drive slowly in the Jeep until we reach the enclosure. Should have been an easy job but when we got there the trailer had a flat tyre. He tried to fix it. No go ... impossible.

He got on a big step-ladder (he never knew his real ladder - joke!). He got on a ladder and tied a rope to the giraffe's neck just by the head. It was a special muzzle with a rope.

He asked me to take the giraffe out in the street and he'd phone a colleague to come and help and then lock up the zoo and meet me.

Easier said than done. The stupid creature would not move. It pulled back with me being dragged along. Eventually we managed to coerce him to walk along. I went out in the street and waited ... and waited ... People passing by looked at me and said nothing. They probably thought I was taking it for a walk.

Half an hour later his colleague arrived ... in a Toyota car. Have you ever tried getting a giraffe in a Toyota? Not possible. We didn't even try. His colleague said he would have brought another trailer had he been told what the problem was.

He told me to walk slowly down the lane towards the enclosure destination whilst he tries to fix the flat tyre.

The animal was now more co-operative. He walked slowly behind me and every now and then he would stop abruptly turning his head left and right as if he'd heard something. Perhaps his antennas picked up another radio station as we moved along.

At one point he stopped at a bus stop and just would not move. We waited for ten minutes, then a bus arrived. The driver shouted, "You're not bringing this creature in here, mate!" and drove off.

We continued to walk and stop and walk and stop until I arrived at the agreed destination and handed over the giraffe to its keeper for the weekend.

One word of advice if you ever have to take a giraffe for a walk. Don't stand too close. If he relieves himself you will not be a pretty sight ... or smell!