New Pastime and Hobby

 

I've just got a new hobby in my spare time. I am learning to be an animal motivational speaker and to teach them to meditate. My uncle loved animals too. His ambition was to be a lion whisperer. A wish he achieved moments before his untimely sudden death in a lion cage. Must have been something he whispered.

I started with something much smaller. At evening class at college they introduced me to a small dog.

I sat him on a table and approached him slowly soothingly whispering sweet things to calm him down. A bit like many priests do at Sunday sermons. They don't preach much needed warnings any more, do they?

Anyway, as I came near him, he suddenly snapped and bit my nose. Just as well he was not a lion. The pet instructor, (he instructs people not pets), cleaned the wound and put a plaster on my nose. This made things worse because the dog now growled every time I approached him. The instructor said my nose distracted him ... the dog, not the instructor.

Trying to teach animals to meditate proved more of a challenge. Have you ever tried getting cats to sit in a row and pay attention? They move and run all over the place. The idea is to have the animals relax and listen to your soft voice using words with smooth syllabus over and over again. Like honey ... honey ... honey ... or such like. There was no way those kittens would sit still, never mind listening to my soothing growls. 

Although I'll admit I had success with a tortoise. She just closed her eyes and meditated all winter.

Another task was teaching an agoraphobic tortoise self-confidence. This tortoise had an irrational fear of leaving its shell. It just stayed in there and would not come out. Even to eat or meet friends. It did not have any visitors because it was too crowded in her shell for anyone else. I crouched down to its level and encouraged her by waving a piece of lettuce at its opening. The instructor told me that was her tail. So I turned her round and tried again ... no success. I had a pain in the back leaning all the way down there on the floor. So the instructor suggested I put the tortoise on the table. No success either. The tortoise was also afraid of heights. Have you ever heard anything like it? Agoraphobic and afraid of heights.

To encourage her to overcome both problems I balanced her on my shoulder like a pirate would a parrot. She fell and was caught by the instructor before she crashed to the ground. Funny that, because it nearly worked with a parrot I was teaching to fly.

He bit my ear before flying off never to be seen again. The instructor put another piece of plaster on that as well.

I eventually gave up on all this teaching animals to meditate and unlock their hidden potential. All this motivational talk is nonsense and does not work in business corporations so why should it work with animals? Let people and animals be what they are and not try to change them and shape them to what you would want them to be. That's what I always say.

Anyway, I have now started another course at learning politics. My dog comes with me and is already showing progress.

NOTE: For entertainment purposes only. No animals have been harmed in the writing of this article. Only me! I got the plasters to prove it.

A New Hobby You Will Love

 

Have you considered taking on a new hobby or pastime to pass away the hours and perhaps learn something new? Playing a musical instrument perhaps? Or painting or drawing? Knitting, dress-making, jigsaw puzzles or a similar hobby?

I tried to learn to play the bagpipes some years ago. We lived in London at the time, in an apartment block. The neighbours kept interrupting my practising at 3:00 in the morning. They asked me if I could play far away; but I did not have the sheet music for that tune.

On another occasion I joined an evening class at college to learn drawing and painting. This was when we lived in Edinburgh. You would have thought it would have been more appropriate to learn to play the bagpipes instead. Plenty of open spaces to practice in and around Edinburgh. 

We lived very close to the touristy areas of the City and there often was a piper in the street nearby playing the bagpipes and tourists put money in a wooden box. He played every Saturday morning when there were most tourists. He started at eight in the morning - what an unearthly hour. 

I liked a lie-in on Saturdays, the only day I did not work; and on Sundays we went to church at 8:00am. So I wanted some peace on Saturdays. I asked him how much money he made an hour. He said about £10. So I gave him £15 and asked him to shut up.

Back to my evening classes learning to paint. Up to then I had only painted the garden metal fence and gate and not much else. Now I had learnt to draw and paint flowers, bowls of fruit, vases and similar things. One day we were told that we would be painting the nude form. I brought a lot of pink paint with me that evening. A lady came out from behind a screen and took off her negligent, (that's a French gown made in the UK).

Anyway, she stood there naked and I recognised her as my boss' secretary. She had a small beauty spot by her lips and that's how I knew it was her.  

Now I have started another evening course as a hobby. It's taxidermy. The art of preserving an animal's body via mounting (over an armature) or stuffing, for the purpose of display or study. 

Our lecturer, Mr I Fillem, explained that there are two basic things to learn in taxidermy. First of all, you must ensure that the creature is dead. Secondly, you must remember that not all creatures can be stuffed. 

For example, it is very difficult to stuff a worm. The creature wiggles here and there and to and fro and it is difficult to kill it. Also, it is often quite a struggle wrenching it from a bird's beak, and often the bird would fly away as soon as you approach it.

A flea is another creature which is difficult for taxidermy. The best way to preserve it is by pressing it between two pages of a big book. A bit like pressing flowers, only you have to remember which page you pressed him on. This method is only possible with small creatures like fleas, flies, bees, butterflies and such. You cannot press a skunk between two pages because he would soon stink the place.

Our lecturer suggested we start our taxidermy with a small creature, like a mouse. You carefully dissect the creature and take out the insides, and then you fill it with cotton wool and sew it up again. You also use various compounds to dry and preserve the skin.

Unfortunately, when it was my turn to practice we did not have any mice. Our lecturer suggested a rhinoceros instead. 

This required a great deal of cotton and wool compared to a mouse. Besides, the animal attacked me and nearly broke my arm. 

Have you got a favourite hobby to share with us?

NOTE: Needless to say, no creatures have been harmed in the writing of this post!