New Pastime and Hobby

 

I've just got a new hobby in my spare time. I am learning to be an animal motivational speaker and to teach them to meditate. My uncle loved animals too. His ambition was to be a lion whisperer. A wish he achieved moments before his untimely sudden death in a lion cage. Must have been something he whispered.

I started with something much smaller. At evening class at college they introduced me to a small dog.

I sat him on a table and approached him slowly soothingly whispering sweet things to calm him down. A bit like many priests do at Sunday sermons. They don't preach much needed warnings any more, do they?

Anyway, as I came near him, he suddenly snapped and bit my nose. Just as well he was not a lion. The pet instructor, (he instructs people not pets), cleaned the wound and put a plaster on my nose. This made things worse because the dog now growled every time I approached him. The instructor said my nose distracted him ... the dog, not the instructor.

Trying to teach animals to meditate proved more of a challenge. Have you ever tried getting cats to sit in a row and pay attention? They move and run all over the place. The idea is to have the animals relax and listen to your soft voice using words with smooth syllabus over and over again. Like honey ... honey ... honey ... or such like. There was no way those kittens would sit still, never mind listening to my soothing growls. 

Although I'll admit I had success with a tortoise. She just closed her eyes and meditated all winter.

Another task was teaching an agoraphobic tortoise self-confidence. This tortoise had an irrational fear of leaving its shell. It just stayed in there and would not come out. Even to eat or meet friends. It did not have any visitors because it was too crowded in her shell for anyone else. I crouched down to its level and encouraged her by waving a piece of lettuce at its opening. The instructor told me that was her tail. So I turned her round and tried again ... no success. I had a pain in the back leaning all the way down there on the floor. So the instructor suggested I put the tortoise on the table. No success either. The tortoise was also afraid of heights. Have you ever heard anything like it? Agoraphobic and afraid of heights.

To encourage her to overcome both problems I balanced her on my shoulder like a pirate would a parrot. She fell and was caught by the instructor before she crashed to the ground. Funny that, because it nearly worked with a parrot I was teaching to fly.

He bit my ear before flying off never to be seen again. The instructor put another piece of plaster on that as well.

I eventually gave up on all this teaching animals to meditate and unlock their hidden potential. All this motivational talk is nonsense and does not work in business corporations so why should it work with animals? Let people and animals be what they are and not try to change them and shape them to what you would want them to be. That's what I always say.

Anyway, I have now started another course at learning politics. My dog comes with me and is already showing progress.

NOTE: For entertainment purposes only. No animals have been harmed in the writing of this article. Only me! I got the plasters to prove it.