Marital Disharmony

 

OK ... let's be honest. Every marriage has its difficult periods when disagreements come to the fore. Some are eventually resolved amicably whilst others fester on and can lead to entrenched positions and total family breakdowns.

For example, after many years of marriage we still have not resolved how to run the economy and how the country should trade with other nations. I have my own well thought out and costed views on the matter, whereas my wife thinks I should stop talking and take the trash out because it will be collected tomorrow. 

There have also been many other arguments in our marital bliss, and it has always been me who gives way for the sake of peace and harmony and a good hot meal. For instance, I see nothing wrong in using a frying pan to boil water for the pasta. With a larger swimming pool as it were, the spaghetti have more room to swim and paddle and to soften up. My wife thinks I'm soft in the head.

At one point I went to see a Marriage Counsellor. He told me that his wife is also a Marriage Counsellor and suggested that we all meet, him and his wife, and I and mine, and try to talk and resolve our problems. I turned him down because I did not think the four of us in bed together was a good idea. Besides, the bed would be too small for such intimate discussions.

Talking of which; he told me that some people sleep with their pets in bed for comfort. Especially when one of the partners in a marriage is away travelling on business. I only once slept with my pet, years ago before I got married. When I woke up the bed was soaking wet and my goldfish had died.

Anyway, my wife and I have come up with a marital code on how to defuse arguments quickly before they get out of hand.

For example, when an argument starts we should both stop and wear a pan on our head. We go to the kitchen and pick up a suitable pan and wear it like a hat. Somehow, the argument in question gets into instant focus and seems easier to analyse and resolve.

Another alternative is to retire to different rooms and continue the argument by e-mail. We write to each other outlining our points of view and express our opinions and arguments in writing rather than talk them out. Somehow, writing things down takes longer than saying things and it makes us think before expressing ourselves. And it's all there on the screen in black and white, or whichever colour you write, so that you can refer to it again if your point has not been taken on board. Normally the argument is quickly defused because we get tired of writing anyway.

A third alternative when an argument starts is to use the radio program format which is popular over here. Each person has to outline their position on the argument for just a minute without hesitation, deviation or repetition. In just a minute I have to give my point of view. Then it's her turn. Then mine. Then hers and so on. The argument can be helped along with a drink of beer, whisky or wine or whatever after every minute. 

This last method had gained popularity in our marriage for some unknown reason. We now got to the point where we have to think up reasons to have an argument so we can resolve them this way. We even have arguments about which arguments to have.

I like my family. If it was not for my family I'd be arguing with perfect strangers. And it is not always advisable to drink with strangers. 

How do you resolve problems in your marriage?

How to avoid people

 

Do you find that complete strangers approach you for a chat when out walking the dog, or sitting on a bench in the park, or on the bus, train or whatever? They always do that to me. Can't understand it. Why can't they leave me alone rather than chatting away telling me their life story?

In order to avoid such people I have now started dressing untidily and somewhat scruffy. I wear an old pair of jeans torn and with dirt from changing the oil in the car and cleaning the rain gutters. Also an old T shirt and dirty overcoat. I found an old pair of shoes with holes in them that let in water. I made another hole in the heel for the water to come out, and I now wear them as part of my new fashionable accoutrement. 

The whole assemble does work I tell you. You will not see it as part of the Autumn Collection by any fashion designer but it works.

People have started to keep their distance from me. I also carry a jar of pickled onions in my coat pocket and if anyone comes near me I offer them one. That, or a half eaten Mars bar. You can see the teeth mark in the chocolate. People soon thank me politely and move to another seat on the bus, or walk away in the park.

The only downside to my new dress sense is that I have been refused entry at some of the top hotels and restaurants in London. The man at the door always tells me to go away. Some have been known to give me a sandwich or other food, so that's a small recompense for not letting me in I suppose.

Also, I tripped and fell at an up-market touristy area of London. People soon gathered round to help me. They checked I was OK and someone even gave me a meal from a nearby takeaway fast food restaurant. A tourist also gave me some money. So, looking like a tramp does help sometimes.

I noticed the neighbours have stopped talking to me too. When I go out to get the papers from the newsagent one or two people cross to the other side of the road in order to avoid me.

My sudden change of attire has had an effect at home also. My wife said she will no longer speak to me as long as I dress like that. Now that's a bonus.

And another advantage is that my mother-in-law has stopped visiting us on her broomstick because she says I let the tone of the place down.

So you see, my new dress code has had a lot of positive outcomes. despite the downside of being excluded from some hotels and restaurants. People are now no longer talking to me.

You should try it sometime. Get some old clothing on and have fun.

Even More things I don't understand

 

And there's even more things I don't understand. I don't seem to understand much apparently. The way people talk for instance. What do they mean exactly?

Like when they say, "sending thoughts to you!" What's all that about? Why not say, "I am thinking of you at this particular time?" It is longer but makes more sense than "sending thoughts your way"

Or another one, "I love you to the moon and back!" What is that? Does it mean I love you lots and lots? Or does it mean I love you but up to a certain limit. The moon OK but Mars or Pluto and you're pushing your luck mate. I don't love you that much."

And there's more. "I thank the Universe I met you!" Does it mean the other person is an extra-terrestrial with antennas coming out of its head and a different method of procreation? Why not simply say, "I love you you fathead!"

And another thing I don't understand. Perhaps you clever people can help me.

My science teacher said the Universe is for ever growing and increasing. If the Universe is everything - the stars, planets, meteors, outer space, the cabbage patch next door, then what is it expanding into? The teacher took a balloon and blew it a little. Then with a felt-tipped pen we made some dots representing the planets. Then she blew the balloon some more, and more and more. Then she said this is the Universe expanding.

I said, "No it isn't. The planets are just going further apart. It is not expanding in the sense more planets are suddenly arriving on the scene and saying 'Hello ... I'm new here. How are y'all !!!' And in any case, if it is expanding as you're demonstrating ... Miss; then who is doing all this blowing wind into it?"

She accused me of being a clever Alec and gave me detention. 

I was only asking. It was an innocent question.

I never got on with that teacher. She taught science, woodwork, sports and English. Not much of a teacher if she had to fill-in on many subjects. Once during English lessons she asked, "I want you to make a sentence using the word 'NEED' "

Susie said, "I need a computer." 

Wendy said, "I need a new pen."

Mary said, "I need a pencil."

I said, "My family does not need anything!"

My teacher said, "Come on ... everyone needs something. What does your family need?"

I thought she was being too nosy; so I said, "No Miss ... we don't need anything. Dad said so. We were at home watching TV when my sister came in with her layabout boy friend and Dad said, 'That's all we need!' "

She gave me detention again.

I don't understand that. Can you explain it to me? 

Why did God not save Jesus?

 

Catechism class was over and all the young students left school to go home; all except David who stayed behind.

“Father, may I have a word please?” he said.

Father Ignatius nodded.

“Father,” continued the young lad hesitantly, “why did God not save Jesus from the Cross? Why did He have to die to save us from our sins? Surely God could have forgiven us without Jesus having to suffer such a cruel death!”

The priest marvelled at such a profound question from someone so young. He had to choose his words carefully in trying to answer him.

“Let’s see …” he started gently, “we know from the Old Testament that at the beginning, when God decided the time is right, He started talking to humanity through the prophets. Through the Holy Spirit, God told the prophets, the leaders of the people at the time if we can call them that, what to teach everyone. God told the prophets about Himself, the creation of humanity and the whole universe, and even predicted the coming of Christ into the world as a human being.”

The young man nodded.  

“Despite all the teachings of the prophets over a long period of time, people still lived their own way and sinned. We read how they sinned when God, through Moses, got them out of slavery in Egypt. There are so many examples of humanity sinning in the Old Testament. Do you understand?” asked Father Ignatius.

“Yes Father,” replied David nodding again.

“So, yet again, when God decided the time is right, He sent His only Son Jesus into the world.

“He sent Jesus so that we may see God in human form. A man, just like us. Jesus did not start to exist when He was born on earth. He always existed as a Spirit. This is one of the mysteries of our faith which we cannot understand. Not yet anyway.

“When we pray the Credo we say, I believe in one God, and in one Lord Jesus Christ, the only begotten Son of God, and born of the Father before all ages. God of God, light of light, true God of true God. Begotten not made, consubstantial to the Father, by whom all things were made.

“Born of the Father … begotten not made … this means not made like He made all of us. Before all ages … this means Jesus has always existed as a Spirit. He became man when He was born on earth yet remained always God, as He always was and still is.”

“I understand,” said David tentatively.

“Good,” smiled the priest, “now Jesus came on earth so that humanity may see Him as a man, one of us. He taught about God His Father, He lived a pure gentle life loving mankind and teaching us to love one another; and He performed many miracles to glorify God as the omnipotent loving Father of mankind.

“Now we come to your questions …” the priest smiled again.

“Let us imagine your scenario of events. Jesus comes to earth, teaches the people and is not killed. He grows old and perhaps one day He dies of old age like the prophets before Him; or perhaps He is raised to Heaven as happened after the Resurrection.

“What then? Would He perhaps have been treated just like any other prophet? Would He have been believed as being the Son of God? We can only guess these questions.”

Father Ignatius stopped for a moment or two to let the young man consider the situation. He then continued.

“What we must realise, David,” he said, “is that God did not kill Jesus. It was humanity… people … who killed Jesus. God, being all knowing, knew from the beginning of time that this would happen. He predicted it many times through the prophets’ teaching in the Old Testament.

“Did you know there are more than 300 prophesies about Jesus in the Old Testament that He fulfilled in His life. Some prophesies He had no personal control over - like where He would be born, the manner of His death and suffering, where He would be buried. The fact that on His Death the Romans would not break His legs as they did to the other two crucified with Him. The fact that the Roman soldiers would divide His clothes amongst themselves and gamble for His robe whilst He hung from the Cross.”

“Wow …” said David.

“Yes … wow indeed,” repeated the priest, “God … and Jesus … knew from always that humanity will rebel against Christ and His teachings. That people would prefer sin to His teachings. That He would be crucified and die a most horrible death. Can you imagine what it was like for Jesus, as a young boy like you, to know what is to happen to Him?

“Why did God not save Jesus, as you have wisely asked?”

The boy smiled.

“He could have … As Jesus said when before Pilate … My kingdom is not of this world. If it were, my servants would fight to prevent my arrest by the Jewish leaders. But now my kingdom is from another place.

“God knew what was going to happen to Jesus, but He allowed it to happen. Had He stopped it, as you suggest, He would have interfered with humanity’s free will. God gave us the free will to do as we wish. Even to be evil to the point of killing His Son. You can’t give humanity free will and then step in when it does not suit you.

“God allowed Jesus to be Crucified and to die. Then, as a solemn sign of His power and glory, God Resurrected Jesus for all to see and believe.

“And even then … even then … many did not believe in God … and in Christ His Son. Many today do not believe still.”

“So sad …” David so wisely said in conclusion.

Divided we stand

 

After Sunday Mass Father Ignatius and Father Donald usually wait in the car park to greet the people as they leave church and go home.

Father Ignatius noticed from the corner of his eye an elderly couple standing aloof away from the crowd. Once or twice the man looked at his watch and spoke to the woman. He made an attempt to move on but the woman he was with insisted they remain waiting.

Eventually most of the congregation had left and Father Ignatius was free. As he made his way to Parish House the elderly woman moved fast towards him and said, “Father, do you have a moment please?”

“Yes … hello,” he replied, “how can I help you?”

“This is my husband,” she said, “we wondered if there’s some place we could talk?”

He smiled and led them to the downstairs reception room in Parish House. As the couple settled down on the settee together she was first to speak.

“Father, we are only visiting town. We’ve driven from Scotland and we spent the night at the local hotel in town. We’re on our way to London.” She said.

The priest nodded and said nothing.

“This morning,” she continued, “we decided to come to Mass before moving on. Father, we were very touched by what you said in your sermon about the Commandment to honour one’s father and mother!”

He smiled and said, “thank you!”

“My husband here was all for driving away straight after Mass; but I insisted on speaking with you. He did not want to disturb you.”

The priest noticed the husband was ill-at-ease and reluctant to talk. But his wife went on.

“Father,” she said, “you talked about children having to honour their parents. You see, my husband and I have not always been Christian. We met when we were very young in our twenties and to be honest we believed in nothing. We got married and have two children, a son and daughter. Both grown-up and married.

“About four years ago my husband had a health scare. I prayed and prayed although I did not know who I was praying to. My husband got better.

“As time moved on I started going to a Catholic church up in Scotland where we live. Then I took my husband … forced him more like … to come with me every Sunday!”

Father Ignatius smiled to ease the tension her husband was in.

“Anyway …” she continued oblivious of her husband’s discomfort, “after a year of going to church and sitting at the back, we decided to become Christian. We talked to the priest, Father Ferguson, and we were accepted in the Church three years ago.

“Our daughter was furious. She said we had joined a cult. The Catholic Church is not a religion, she said. They are not Christian. And anyway there is no God. Our son did not care one way or another!”

She stopped and wiped her eyes with a handkerchief. Her husband put his hand on her shoulder for a split second or two.

“I suppose it’s our fault,” said the husband speaking for the first time, “we’ve only been Christian for three years. What chance have the kids got being brought up with no religion?”

The priest felt it was wise to say nothing and let them continue. The wife wiped her eyes once more and said, “Our daughter has disowned us. She has cut off all contact and has stopped us visiting her. We have not seen the grand-children for over two years. She has even stopped us sending them birthday and Christmas presents through the post. She said she’ll throw them away if we do!”

She stopped and sobbed bitterly.

“I’m sorry we have disturbed you …” mumbled the husband.

Father Ignatius got up and said, “I’ll fetch something to drink …” and went to the kitchen for a few moments to give them time to settle down.

After ten minutes or so he returned with a tray of tea and biscuits. The wife had settled down a bit and spoke first.

“As I explained, Father; we have not seen nor spoken to our daughter and her family for two years. She does not reply to my letters. Our son said we could visit him as long as we don’t mention God or religion in his house; otherwise he’ll do the same as our daughter. What can we do Father? Should I remind them of the Commandment to honour their parents?”

“No …” said Father Ignatius gently, “I would not advise that. It would only encourage them, your daughter especially, to dig in their heels and take entrenched positions. As I understand it, the only contact you have is with your son whom you’re allowed to visit every now and then? Does he have children?”

They both nodded.

“Continue to visit,” said the priest, “and invite him and his family to your house for a meal. Barbecues that sort of thing. Act as a family as you did before you became Christians. And most important, abide by his wish never to mention religion!”

“Should we not tell him to turn to God and be saved?” asked the wife.

“Most certainly not,” advised the priest gently, “this would only result in the same treatment as your daughter has done to you. My advice is to act as a family loving and helping each other. Who knows, in time, maybe he would have a family event like a party where he would invite you as well as your daughter and her family. Should this happen, you are to accept; leaving her with the decision whether to attend or not.

“Should she attend, you should behave as a normal family welcoming her and her family. And you do not at any time speak of religion. Honour and abide by her request. That Commandment works both ways you know!

“You honour and respect their wishes and leave the rest to God. He knows what is happening here and is in total control.

“The most important thing for you to do is to keep praying for your children and grand-children.

“Do you know the story of Saint Augustine?” he concluded to change the subject.

They shook their heads and the husband said, “No!”

“What a life he led,” explained Father Ignatius, “In spite of the good warnings of his mother, as a youth Augustine lived a hedonistic lifestyle associating with young men who boasted of their sexual exploits. His very nature, he says, was flawed. 'It was foul, and I loved it. I loved my own error—not that for which I erred, but the error itself.' His famously insincere prayer was, ‘Grant me chastity and continence, but not yet.’

“However, it is said that his mother prayed all her life for God to help him and eventually Augustine turned to God and became a leading figure in the Church.

“So there is always hope,” he said with a smile, “just continue to pray for your children and grand-children and leave the rest to God. Be an example to your children by the way you live.

“Look at your own situation. After a lifetime of not believing you suddenly decided to turn to God. Pray that your children will also do the same; but not in as drastic a circumstances as yours.”

After a few more moments of chatting they left on their travels much more relieved than when they first started talking to Father Ignatius. They exchanged details and promised to keep in touch. 

Never noticed

Do you realise that every person in this world, every man and woman, has a nose? It is something I have never noticed before. It was there under my very nose and I did not see it. Everyone has a nose.

There are small noses, big ones, round ones, bulbous ones with pimples perhaps or small hairs on the end. There are noses with hairs coming out of them. Long pointy noses, aquiline ones, flat noses, broken noses and slightly upturned ones like Miss Piggy.

All these noses and you probably never noticed them. Next time you are with a group of people just spend some type studying their noses. Look at them carefully. Their shapes and sizes. Divide them into groups. How many are small, large, pointy and so on. Look at your nose in the mirror. What type is it? Big? Small? Pretty? Ugly?

A friend of mine has such a big nose that it enters a room a week before she comes in.

Love noses. Join the Noses Appreciation Society. Do you realise that if all noses were made upside down we would all drown when it rained? So noses are useful; not just for breathing but from keeping water out too.

We need more nose education in this world. There's so much to learn. A friend of mine is a nose doctor. A specialist in fact. He specialised in the left nostril. He knows (correct spelling) everything there is to know about the left nostril. Ask him about the right nostril and he's a complete ignorant. He told me it is another three years course at University the right nostril.

Noses are not just for breathing, you know. They can be used to smell too. Reminds me of the old joke: My dog has no nose. How does he smell? Awful!

Seriously though, noses are used for smelling too as well as breathing. Some people have trained their noses to smell round corners. In the dark too. That's the clever thing about noses. Useful for breathing and smelling.

They can identify various smells too, noses. Good smells and aromas and bad ones. Ears can't do that. For example if a chocolate cake smelled of paint your nose would tell you there's something wrong. Or if a wall smelled of hot chocolate you'd break your teeth chewing on a brick. Noses can tell the difference between a chocolate cake and a wall. Ears can't do that. Because neither example talks, you see.

Noses can also be used metaphorically. You can say things like "I smell a rat". 

I smelled a rat once. I found him dead when I tried to retrieve some cheese from the mousetrap for supper. 

Another metaphor is being nosey. Wanting to know things. I read in the papers that a dwarf was thrown out from our local nudist camp because he could not keep his nose out of peoples' private business.