Three Facts for Stubborn Minds

 

FACT 1    Heaven exists. Why? Because Jesus said so.

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.” John 14:1-14

The alternative would be to call Jesus a liar.

FACT 2    God's invitation to Heaven is for everyone. It is a FREE invitation. We do not have to work to go to Heaven. We do not go to Heaven through our own good deeds or good words. All we have to do is believe in God, obey and love Him, and believe that Jesus is His only Son who died for us.

"Not everyone who calls me 'Lord, Lord' will enter the Kingdom of Heaven, but only those who do what my Father in Heaven wants them to do." Matthew 7:21.   

"I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." John 14:6

FACT 3     Some people do not believe in God. But they believe they are good people and eventually they'll get to Heaven. They wish they will get there some day.

This is faulty thinking. Heaven is not a world-class hotel where we go to live in luxury. We go to Heaven to be with Someone - God our Creator who longs for us to join Him for eternity.

If you do not believe in God you can hardly be in Heaven with someone you do not believe in. 

Also, you cannot "wish" your way to Heaven. 

And another thought: No one goes to Heaven against their will. No one is forced there. If you do not believe in God you have automatically excluded yourself from His invitation.

AMAZON LINK HERE

Things you did not know

 

Things you did not know ... ... ...

The world is upside down. When we look at a map or a globe we always see Europe and North America and Canada at the top. This is because the people who first drew maps were Europeans and they drew the maps like you would draw or paint a portrait - head on top and then body. So they drew Europe at the top. But in reality the Earth is upside down (see above) as it revolves in space. When a rocket is out there photographing the Earth it sees Europe at the top; but in reality it is flying upside down in relation to the Universe and outer space but don't realise it. 

Uranus smells of cinnamon. Rockets sent in outer space to investigate reported that the atmosphere around Uranus smells Christmassy. Just like cinnamon.

Do you know the difference between a frog and a toad? The spelling!

It is not true that peahens choose their peacock mates because of the beauty and colour of their tails when it is in full display. It's true that peacocks do so with their tails to attract a female; but peahens prefer a good personality and a sense of humour.

Do you know why flamingoes stand on one leg? Because if they lift the other leg they'd fall off.

Ferrets are the third most popular pets after dogs and cats. They are very attentive and listen to their owners' problems better than a dog or cat would do; but they care less anyway.

The albatross can keep on flying for 10 years without ever landing. It dives in the sea to pick up a fish but still remains airborne for years. It lands to lay eggs to produce the next generation. It can fly for six days without flapping its wings; it just glides on thermal currents. 

And finally; a hen walked in the library and went "book!" The librarian gave it a book which it put under its wing and walked off.

The next day it returned and went "Book ... Book ..." The librarian gave it two books and it went away.

The following day it went "Book ... Book ...Book Book Book ..." The librarian gave it 5 books.

Curious, the librarian followed the hen at a distance. Out in the woods she found a frog saying, "Read it ... Read it ... Read it ..."

HUMOUR HELPS KEEP YOU SANE

Interesting Facts

 

Every so often I like to share with you some interesting facts which you can use in conversation to impress your friends or audience at parties.

First  fact of life: When a body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Secondly, here's a misconception.  Some people say you can’t get a decent job without education. But that is not strictly true; look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out at school and still ended up being the first man on the moon!

Did you know the world's oceans would be much bigger if there were no sponges to soak up all the water?

If you were driving at speed at night and switched you headlights on, the light would arrive home before you.

Venus is the only planet to spin clockwise.

The more intelligent you are the heavier your brain gets. That's why some clever people have pains in the neck. 

At the equator, if you're facing East, you would be travelling at 1000 miles and hour.That is the speed the earth revolves at the Equator. If you were to throw a stone in front of you, it would travel all round the earth and hit you at the back of the head.

Did you also know that if you're in a vacuum and you shout loud no one would hear you? And it would make no difference whether the vacuum cleaner is on or off, or whether the bag is full of dirt and dust or whether it was empty?

Did you know that radio waves are faster than the speed of sound. I never knew that and it did not matter to me at all, even now that I know this. I thought I'd pass it on to you in case it helps you in life.

The sloth just hangs from a tree and sleeps for up to 18 hours a day waiting for humans to arrive and save him from extinction. That is why you never find a sloth in employment making cans of baked beans or anything else for that matter.

Did you also know that human beings are very complex people indeed, compared to the rest of creations. Man is the only creature who would tear down trees to make paper and then print leaflets saying "Save the trees"?

And finally, do you realise that all the words I use when I write my books are in fact in the dictionary? All I have to do is put them in the right order!

Knowledge is good

 

Every so often, dear friends, I undertake extensive research to write an article for your entertainment, edification and education. This is one such article and I assure you that all facts are true and have been checked on the Internet.

I am sure you all know that the cuckoo bird is famous for laying its eggs in the nest of other birds; so that the eggs are hatched and the young are fed by other species of birds rather than the parental species. This is known as brood parasitism; laying one's eggs in another species' nests.

Scientists have discovered that some species of cows, when they have their baby calves, they put them in the nests of some birds so that the birds would feed them until they have grown up to look after themselves. Unfortunately, often the calves are so heavy that the nest and its content crash to the ground killing any young birds in there. This is known as animal stupidity.

Did you also know that moths are very depressed creatures because they are afraid of the dark? They always go towards the light even though it is often fatal to them, like the sun for instance, or a hot light bulb, or the flame of a candle. Generation after generation follow the same fate and do not learn from their parents because the parents have died without warning their children of the dangers of flying towards the light. On one occasion one evening a moth flew into a dentist surgery and asked for help to cure her depression. The dentist said he could not help and that she needed a psychiatrist instead. The moth said she knew that, but she came in because the lights were on anyway.

For some reason we all have an incredible fear of sharks and over the years they have had a bad press as dangerous killers. In fact this is not so. Statistically speaking you are more likely to be attacked by a hippopotamus than by a shark. This is because there are no sharks in the jungle. Unless of course you took one there in your luggage, in which case you deserve being bitten in the butt. 

Snails are not necessarily the slowest creatures on earth. Zoologists put a tortoise in a glass cage or tank with a few lettuce leaves; and then released some snails to measure how slow they were in relation to the tortoise. A bit like the story of the hare and the tortoise. Within seconds the snails rushed the tortoise and ate all the lettuce. When asked the tortoise could not identify any of them because "it all happened so quick!"

Anyway, that's enough facts for you this time folks. But before I go, I often get e-mails from people asking me who I am and what are my credentials when writing posts here. To help answer your questions I have written about myself in the  "ABOUT THE AUTHOR" tab at the top of this page.

Little Known Facts

 

Little Known Facts You Can Live Without

Q: Why are many coin banks shaped like pigs?

A: Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of a dense orange clay called 'pygg'. When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became known as 'pygg banks.' When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a bank that resembled a pig. And it caught on.

Q: Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's clothes have buttons on the left?

A: When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid's right. Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left. And that's where women's buttons have remained since.

Q: Why do X's at the end of a letter signify kisses?

A: In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write, documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfil obligations specified in the document. The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous.

Q: Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called 'passing the buck'?

A: In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility, he would 'pass the buck' to the next player.

Q: Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?

A: It used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it simultaneously. When a guest trusted his host, he would then just touch or clink the host's glass with his own.

Q: Why are people in the public eye said to be 'in the limelight'?

A: Invented in 1825, limelight was used in lighthouses and stage lighting by burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant light. In the theatre, performers on stage 'in the limelight' were seen by the audience to be the centre of attention.

Q: Why do ships and aircraft in trouble use 'mayday' as their call for help?

A: This comes from the French word m'aidez -meaning 'help me' -- and is pronounced 'mayday,'

Q: Why is someone who is feeling great 'on cloud nine'?

A: Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain, with nine being the highest cloud If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares.

Q: Why are zero scores in tennis called 'love'?

A: In France, where tennis first became popular, a big, round zero on scoreboard looked like an egg and was called 'l'oeuf,' which is French for 'egg.' When tennis was introduced in the US, Americans pronounced it 'love.'

Q: In golf, where did the term 'Caddie' come from?

A: When Mary, later Queen of Scots, went to France as a young girl (for education & survival), Louis, King of France, learned that she loved the Scot game 'golf.' So he had the first golf course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment. To make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her. Mary liked this a lot and when she returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her. In French, the word cadet is pronounced 'ca-day' and the Scots changed it into 'caddie.'

Sharing Knowledge

 

This Blog exists to inform, entertain and educate. Every so often I spend a lot of time in research to bring you authentic and truthful facts that you may find interesting and which you could use at parties, such as Christmas, to brighten a conversation, enlighten friends and family, and to become popular and gain friends.

This is such an occasion. So if you are seated comfortably here are some facts:

Did you know that the whale is the largest mammal? It is so big that apparently one exhalation of its breath can inflate 1250 party balloons. So it would make a welcome guest at your Christmas party preparations. It can also blow out over 4000 candles on a cake. Unfortunately this has never been tested because the candles would not stay alight under water.

Like all mammals, the whale actually breaks wind; which is very fortunate that its size makes it too large to fit in an elevator. I think breaking wind in an elevator is so wrong on many levels.

Also, when the whale breaks wind it lets out so much gas that it propels it two miles from where it currently is. Imagine two whales sitting on the sofa watching TV and discussing the latest soap opera and suddenly one of them is two miles away. 

Speaking of TV. It was invented by John Logie Baird and was demonstrated on 26 January 1926. Unfortunately there was nothing to see on it because they had not yet invented the remote control.

Inventions are great things don't you think? They revolutionised the world. They say that inventing the wheel was the greatest invention of mankind. I disagree. Inventing the second wheel was the greatest invention because then you had a bicycle.

The second greatest invention, (or is it third after the second wheel?) ... stop interrupting!

The third greatest invention is the whoopee (or whoopie) cushion. It is such a wonderful subject of hilarity; especially at funerals. Place a few of them on the pews in church and you'll have them laughing down the aisles. Also suitable for weddings, political events and similar serious functions.

The whoopee cushion has reportedly been used since ancient times. Roman Emperor Elagabalus was said to enjoy practical jokes at his dinner parties and often placed whoopee cushions under the chairs of his more pompous guests.

Elagabalus was quite a card when it came to a sense of humour. He had great Roman feasts and made his guests eat live parrots, camels feet and flamingo brain. Also, during the Roman feast he would let lions free and see how the guests reacted in panic. (The lions were most probably drugged and had teeth and claws removed - but the guests did not know that). He also served fruits made of rock covered in wax to make them look authentic and enjoyed it when his guests bit into the fruit.

So there you have it. Some facts and knowledge for you to enjoy and share at your next Christmas party. Keep dancing ... ... ...

More Facts

 

Every so often I like to share with you some interesting facts that you might enjoy or even use in conversation at parties and such gatherings.

Did you know, for instance, that lightning doesn't always strike downwards? Sometimes the lightning, (which is an electric charge), bounces up and meets with another power surge coming down from the clouds.

Whenever there is thunder and lightning and it's very very frightening you should cover all your cutlery. Open the cutlery drawer and cover it with a cloth or napkin. This is because metal attracts lightening which will enter your house searching for the cutlery.

Also, switch off the TV and unplug the aerial because the aerial outside the house will act as a conductor and bring the lightening into your house.

This applies also for people who have metal piercings. Like piercings in their ears, on their face and on their bodies. The metal piercings will attract lightning towards them. I knew a woman who had a metal stud pierced on her tongue. She was out in a storm licking and ice cream. The lightning came down and burned her on the tongue and the ambulance people had to put an Elastoplast adhesive plaster on her tongue for a week until it got better. The ambulance people said she was lucky she was not using a metal spoon to eat her ice cream at the time.

Something similar happened to me years ago in Paris. It was rain, not thunder and lightning. I was eating outdoors in a restaurant with tables on the side-walk as they do in Europe. It started raining and it took me ages to finish my soup.

And now something else. Beavers.

You know the ones? They build dams across rivers. Contrary to popular beliefs beavers do not eat fish but they are vegetarians. They eat plants and wood from trees. Remember that should you ever invite a beaver to dinner. He will eat your table and leave your lovely cooking.

And another thing. If you make tea using tea bags, never ever throw a hot tea bag in the trash bin or else it will start a fire. Take it out of the cup or teapot and let it cool first.

Also, be careful what you mumble under your breath or say when driving with your GPS satellite navigation system on. I got really angry with my car navigation today. I even yelled at it to go to hell. Twenty minutes later, it brought me in front of my mother-in-law’s house.

You never realize what you have until it's gone. Toilet paper, is a good example.

A key-chain is a device which enables you to lose all your keys at once.

And did you know that the Internet never forgets? The Internet must be a woman.

Finally, some guy knocked on my door today and said, “I’ve got a parcel for your next-door neighbour.”

I said, “You’ve got the wrong house then, mate.”

Ideas to improve the world

 

I often spend time thinking of ways to improve our lives as individuals and a society. For the benefit of all, here are some ideas I came up with:

1    Socks should be sold in threes and not as a pair. This would increase your chance of picking up two the same colour when searching your drawer. I wrote to three sock manufacturers, in triplicate, suggesting that this would increase their sales by 50% - all three ignored me. Three times.

2    Consequent and supplementary to the above idea, I think trousers should be made with three legs also. When one leg wears off and is damaged by a hole, you just tuck it into your pants and pull out the third leg and wear that instead. Same for shirts, pullovers and such like.

3    We should wear more wool. All hats should be made of wool. This way it would be easier to pull the wool over peoples' eyes. And easier to tell a wolf in sheep's clothing. Have you ever seen a wolf wearing a woollen hat or scarf? 

4    Tattoos should be made with invisible ink so no one could see them. Or with florescent ink so you could see them in the dark. Can you imagine having whole-body tattoos in florescent ink and standing there naked in the dark? All you'll see is the wonderful designs. Alternate between switching the lights on and off and you'll have a great trick to perform at your next party. That will certainly get your friends talking. You'd be the life and soul of the party. 

5    Aerosols and body sprays should smell of garlic, fried onions or other foods. This would not only be original but would also enhance the appetite when going out on a date. There's nothing more aromatic than going out to a restaurant with a beautiful lady smelling of herring or pickled onions in vinegar.

6   More people should be encouraged to wear hairnets. It was quite the rage years ago. Now ... not many people do wear them. I remember years ago having a girl-friend who disliked hairnets and never wore them. I had an open-top sports car then and as I drove fast her hair used to blow in the wind. I had to stop often and pick it up and return it to her. A hairnet would have solved the problem but she was very stubborn. Eventually we broke up and she became a solo synchronised swimming performer.

7   Another idea of mine that would improve the world is political in nature. These days at elections a lot of money is spent on campaigns and politicians come on TV and radio and discuss their views politely and with mutual respect even if they don't agree. It was not so in my days in politics. In my days things were different.

When I was involved in politics years ago, in an open debate with a live audience in a packed hall, the other politician accused me of lacking vision because I wore socks of different colour.

I explained that I was open-minded. He replied, “There’s no point in being so open-minded that your brains fall out!”

At a radio interview during the election campaign I was asked by a caller what I wanted for Christmas. I said “A pair of slippers”. The following day the newspapers said, “Victor wants a pair of slippers whilst his opponent wants to improve life for the community of this town”.

Needless to say I didn’t win the election. Even my Electoral Agent refused to vote for me.

The thing I hated in politics is calling on houses to deliver leaflets or to introduce myself as a candidate and ask whether they'd vote for me. One has to keep a cool head, look and be interested in the individual you're talking to, and above all, be honest - not tell fibs like some politicians do.

I knocked at a door and a young lady opened it and she was completely naked. I kept a cool head and looked interested in her. She stood there totally nude smiling as she said, "What can I do for you?"

I was honest ... I said, "I forgot!" and ran away.

Anyway, my political idea does away with such potential embarrassments and having to run long campaigns. I think the candidates should come on TV and play rock paper scissors. You can have as many candidates as you wish and eliminate them until the last one wins and is elected. No  need for policies, promises, and wasting everyone's time with debates and TV and radio appearances.

I wrote to the political parties over here with my suggestion and they ignored me. I am not appreciated I think.

So there you have it; seven ideas to improve our lives and our world. What do you think? Tell us of your ideas also.

Even More things I don't understand

 

And there's even more things I don't understand. I don't seem to understand much apparently. The way people talk for instance. What do they mean exactly?

Like when they say, "sending thoughts to you!" What's all that about? Why not say, "I am thinking of you at this particular time?" It is longer but makes more sense than "sending thoughts your way"

Or another one, "I love you to the moon and back!" What is that? Does it mean I love you lots and lots? Or does it mean I love you but up to a certain limit. The moon OK but Mars or Pluto and you're pushing your luck mate. I don't love you that much."

And there's more. "I thank the Universe I met you!" Does it mean the other person is an extra-terrestrial with antennas coming out of its head and a different method of procreation? Why not simply say, "I love you you fathead!"

And another thing I don't understand. Perhaps you clever people can help me.

My science teacher said the Universe is for ever growing and increasing. If the Universe is everything - the stars, planets, meteors, outer space, the cabbage patch next door, then what is it expanding into? The teacher took a balloon and blew it a little. Then with a felt-tipped pen we made some dots representing the planets. Then she blew the balloon some more, and more and more. Then she said this is the Universe expanding.

I said, "No it isn't. The planets are just going further apart. It is not expanding in the sense more planets are suddenly arriving on the scene and saying 'Hello ... I'm new here. How are y'all !!!' And in any case, if it is expanding as you're demonstrating ... Miss; then who is doing all this blowing wind into it?"

She accused me of being a clever Alec and gave me detention. 

I was only asking. It was an innocent question.

I never got on with that teacher. She taught science, woodwork, sports and English. Not much of a teacher if she had to fill-in on many subjects. Once during English lessons she asked, "I want you to make a sentence using the word 'NEED' "

Susie said, "I need a computer." 

Wendy said, "I need a new pen."

Mary said, "I need a pencil."

I said, "My family does not need anything!"

My teacher said, "Come on ... everyone needs something. What does your family need?"

I thought she was being too nosy; so I said, "No Miss ... we don't need anything. Dad said so. We were at home watching TV when my sister came in with her layabout boy friend and Dad said, 'That's all we need!' "

She gave me detention again.

I don't understand that. Can you explain it to me? 

More things I don't understand

 

There may be many things which I don't understand. It's people's behaviour mostly. Why do people behave the way that they do? And does their behaviour affect other peoples' behaviour?

Like what happened today. Do you know leggings? Those very tight elasticated lycra socks that hug one's legs tightly all the way up into pants or trousers. Well, today I was at the supermarket and there was this young woman, (mid twenties I guess), wearing what I would call body-leggings. It was a one piece whole body lycra suit in pink hugging her every contour from feet all the way up to the neck. It hugged so tight it left very little to the imagination, including the bits my eyes focussed on. I thought she was naked at first. If a man had been wearing this he'd have been arrested for indecent exposure so hugging it was.

Why do people do that? Don't they have anyone telling them how they look? She was accompanied by a man.

Another thing I don't understand - buying software. If you wish to buy any software for your computer or cell-phone; things like computer games, or word processing or accountancy or whatever programs; you have to sign a contract or licence agreement or terms and conditions of use. This is basically a contract between you and the provider or seller of the software. Normally this contract goes on and on for at least a million pages. Does anyone bother to read all that? People normally agree to the terms because they want the software or computer game and without agreeing they just can't use the product.

The other day I read the contract for a particular software. Did you know that in Paragraph 379, sub paragraph 69 it says that you should wear a three piece suit whilst using the program? It does not specify what women should be wearing.That's how ridiculous those long contracts can be.

Another example, I stood there at the elevator door and pressed the button on the wall to call the elevator. It was a bit slow and you could see from the numbers above the door where the elevator was. I waited patiently.

A man came and stood beside me and the first thing he did is press the button on the wall. He noticed me looking at him, he smiled and said, "Did you press the button?"

I replied, "No, I was testing whether the elevator would come by telepathy alone!"

Why do people do that? Why press the button? 

And what is worse, once you're in the elevator there is always a smart Alec who takes control and asks you which floor you want so he can press all the buttons. I got so irritated once that I told such a man that I did not want to go anywhere. I was only in the elevator for the ride and to meet people.

And another thing I don't understand. I went to the fast food restaurant because I was in a hurry to go to the rest room. An attendant noticed me and said, "The rest rooms are for customers only!"

I was bursting to go, so I said, "I am a customer. I was here and bought a hamburger and fries last week and did not go to the toilet. So I am going now instead of last week. Also, many times I bought from here and did not go to the toilet; so you owe me a few more visits!"

He frowned and was not convinced. So I said, "If you don't let me go I'll do it here and you'll have a bigger problem on your hands ... or on your floor!"

He let me go.

Do you know how you can earn air miles, or some hotels give you free nights if you visit them often? Why can't fast food outlets give you toilet visits the more often you use them? You can have a plastic card on which to add your toilet visits and use them when you need to go ... or give them as a present to someone else!

And one more thing I don't understand. When watching the news or weather forecast on TV I noticed a great number of female presenters are pregnant. Please ladies; don't get upset at me for mentioning this. But these presenters often wear tight dresses and stand side ways to accentuate the fact they are expecting a baby. Time and again they stand in profile to make their point.

And there's more ... over here we also have the pollen count after the weather forecast. People are shown various numbers on a big screen showing the map of the UK. Now that's something not to be sneezed at! Don't you think?

Things I don't understand

It seems to me that the more I learn the more I find out what I do not know. There are just too many facts in the world, and too many things for anyone to know them all. That's why people tend to specialise in one or two subjects and become expert at them rather than learn everything.

I've tried in life to have a general education, despite people telling me when I was young that I wouldn't amount to much.

But despite my attempts at learning I still don't understand the differences in wines, for instance. Some people can tell you the vintage, year, type of grape and so on by just sniffing or tasting the wine. But I can't tell the difference between a red or a white or rose, or whether it is sparkling or not. If you were to change glasses whilst I was not looking I would not know you did it. They all taste the same regardless of their colour.

In a posh restaurant once where they charge you a fortune for just sitting there the waiter, or sommelier, as he called himself, gave me a couple of drops to taste. I thought I wouldn't pay a fortune for just two drops, so I said, "Fill it up my good friend; I'm not a wee birdie you know!" I was told afterwards I should have tasted it and told him it was OK. What's the point in that? Has anyone ever said it is not OK? It tastes like vinegar mixed with mosquito wee?

And by the way, what is a sommelier? I thought it was a French boot made of wood.

Then when the food waiter came, he seemed upset when I asked for a steak tartare well done. I heard him mumble something in French under his breath. I had to look up in my pocket French/English dictionary the meaning of "imbecile".

When the raw meat arrived and I was told by my girlfriend not to make a scene, he got more upset when I asked for tomato Ketchup. Is it my fault if a posh restaurant like his ran out of Ketchup?

Food is not the only thing I don't understand. Music too. I like various music from Nessun Dorma where a fat person always sings in a loud voice, to the Beatles or Country music. But my problem is learning to play an instrument. I tried the guitar when I took evening lessons at College. My fingers always got entangled in the strings. Why do they put the strings so close to one's fingers? I experimented with various instruments and eventually settled on the drums. I practiced at home day and night. I played so well the neighbours broke our windows to hear me better. They also invited the police to come and listen to me. I am now learning the paper and comb instrument.

As for literature? Forget it. At school I was taught about Chaucer, Shakespeare, and various other writers including French and Italian ones like Voltaire, Racine, Moliere, Goldoni, Dante, Machiavelli, and many others. Did any of them help me in later life? When's the last time I had to quote any of them in  life?

My conversations are more interesting As I Quote Myself. Try it.

Things you should know

 

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.  

10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put ’DOCTOR'.

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

 17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

Observations you may have missed

 

I seem to be always thinking of something else as things are happening around me. I could be watching TV whilst it's switched off, cooking the dog, or taking the dinner out for a walk and my mind is thinking of something else altogether completely different. 

For example, whilst writing this post I am thinking about that old saying, "which came first, the chicken or the egg?"

So I ordered both from the internet and will let you know when they arrive.

Did you notice that in films, and on TV programs, whenever a woman starts sniffling and crying the man always pulls out a clean handkerchief from his pocket and hands it to her. She never returns it back after blowing her nose in it.

How come the handkerchief is always new, clean and neatly folded having been ironed beforehand? It is never a handkerchief which the man has previously used to wipe his hands after changing the tire on his car.

And why is it always the man that hands over his handkerchief? Why can't the woman have her own handkerchief in readiness for a quick cry? In the last month I have handed out at least a dozen handkerchiefs to crying women. They have a look at me and start bawling their eyes out. I have that effect on women. Maybe they lament not having met me earlier in their lives. 

Another observation from the movies is that people never sneeze, or cough or need to go to the bathroom. Especially when there's a fight going on.

In a car chase the car is always ready and the key is always in the ignition. The car starts first time and flies at great speed. Not like my car which takes a week to reach 30 miles an hour!

In Olden Days we had so many talented people in the movies and on TV. In those times to be a celebrity you had to have some talent of some kind; acting, singing, be a good entertainer, or good at sports and so on. Then the politically correct people came in and said this was discriminatory. Everyone should be a celebrity. And now we have plenty of mindless idiots on TV believing they are celebrities. They are happy, and their mindless fans and followers are happy, and I guess they create employment with all the money they earn so all is well. I think we need more talentless idiots as celebrities.

Another observation worth sharing which you might find useful. You must have heard of the glass and cardboard way of getting rid of spiders. You place a glass on the spider, then slide a piece of card under the glass and then lift both and release the spider outdoors. 

Well, it does not work with gorillas. I was at the zoo the other day and a gorilla escaped from its cage. I was in the zoo restaurant eating. I finished my beer and got out with my glass still in hand. The zoo keepers told me to get out of the way as they shot the gorilla with tranquilliser darts. 

What irritates you at home? Personally, I don't like it when someone takes some butter with a knife from the butter dish, spread it on toast, and then returns to the butter for some more leaving crumbs all over the butter. So in our house we have a system. We take some butter with the butter knife. Put it on a side plate. Return the knife to the butter dish. Then with a new knife spread the butter from our side plate onto our toast. No crumbs on the butter ever.

Also, another irritation is when a piece of toast falls on the ground it always falls with the butter side down. To remedy this, I always eat my toast off the cat's back. So if it falls the cat will land on its feet and the toast will still be butter side up.

I don't know about you, but I learn a lot from Google. It's such a wonderful invention. I have printed out the whole of Google and I now read a few pages in bed before going to sleep. It's a great book. I wonder whether they'll ever make it into a film!

More Facts You Need To Know

 

I am always in search of useful facts to share with you in order to enhance your knowledge of various issues and also to help you entertain friends at parties.

For example, you know bubble wrap ... the plastic packaging material in sheets containing numerous small air cushions designed to protect fragile goods. Well ... if you wrap yourself forty times with this material all around you and you happen to fall off the sixth floor of a tall building you will not die. Mind you ... you might suffocate with all that plastic around you, but you will not be crushed when you hit the ground. 

If you gather all the bubble wrap in the world together you will have enough material to wrap the whole planet twice over. Which begs the question ... how come with all that material the earth is not wrapped already? Work that one out for yourself.

Wind turbines next. You must have seen them in the countryside, by the sea or on top of hills. Did you know that if all the wind turbines in the world got moving round and round all together the earth would take off and start flying? Also, did you know that it takes more electricity to make those turbines go round and round than the electricity they produce? Also, did you know that the noise they make can disorient birds who get attracted to them and get killed by the big blades? To remedy this some people are now building turbines in deep underground caves; although they could be a problem for bats living there. Scientists believe that underwater turbines could also harm marine life.

Aluminium foil is not ideal for covering left-overs. Many people put left-over food in a container which they cover with aluminium foil and leave in the fridge. This is bad for you because bacteria can grow in the air space between the food and the top of the foil. Also, someone else might open the fridge and eat your food left there.

Did you also know that dropped ice cubes are water under the fridge. Don't stress about it.

When in a hotel which has a safe in your room, always change the safe combination numbers before using it. I once left some KFC chicken in the safe and when I came back to my room someone had eaten my chicken legs.

Also did you know that when in a hotel and you phone room service they are obliged to listen to you? It is not like when you phone a friend or family member and they don't pick up the phone or make an excuse to cut the conversation short. In a hotel they have to listen. When travelling on business I often phone reception and tell them about my life, bad choices I made, how I hate my work, how my boss is so bad to me and other such problems I have ... they always listen. They never have a solution, but after I have off-loaded my problems I always sleep well at night.

On one occasion I went to a psychic to discuss my future. I knocked on her door and she said, "who is it?" So I left.

I'm often troubled by past memories. Things that happened or were said and I cannot change them. I remember to this day my grand-father's last words before he died. He said, "are you still holding on to the ladder?"

I also remember my other grand-father's last words. He said, "there are two words in life which will open many doors for you ... PUSH and PULL."

I was so depressed the other week that I went to the cinema to watch Les Miserable. I thought it was about a man called Les. The cinema was very crowded. If the woman in front of me did not have her ears pierced I would not have been able to see the screen.

This woman was chatting to her friend loudly throughout the performance. I could not hear the film dialogue so I leant forwards and whispered "excuse me ladies but I can't hear!"

"I should hope not" replied one of them, "this is a private conversation!"

Did you know that female bats give birth while hanging upside down, catching the baby in their wings as it drops? Also, did you know that as bats sleep upside down they suddenly wake up when going to the toilet!

Also, dolphin calves are born tail first, rather than head first, so they don't drown during the birthing process.

Fish cannot blink when water gets in their eyes.

And finally, scientists have discovered that the universe is made up of neutrons, protons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.

Facts I did not know

 

I have gathered together some facts I did not know in case you don't know them either.

Did you not know that in men's shirts the buttons are on the right hand side of the shirt and the button holes are on the left. Whereas on a lady's blouse it's the other way round. The buttons are on the left and the button holes are on the right. Why is that? Does anyone know?

I went to the supermarket the other day. I found tuna in a tin. Also pilchards in a tin. As well as sardines, anchovies and also crab meat; and I believe they have prawns in tins too. But there was no goldfish in a tin. Why is that? Does anyone know?

I asked the shop attendant and he did not know. I asked to see the manager and they asked me to leave the shop or be thrown out.

Years ago I joined an orchestra. I've always fancied myself as a musician playing in an orchestra famous tunes like Nessun Dorma from Turandot, or the Triumphal March from Aida. The maestro type person out front asked me what instrument do I play. I said the paper and comb. You know ... you fold a bit of thin cigarette paper on a comb and hum. They threw me out of the orchestra. They said there has never been a paper and comb musical instrument in any orchestra in the world. Does anyone know why not? 

I was reading about Albert Einstein the other day. I don't know why. He never reads my books anyway. 

Did you know that he said that a dropped object does not fall down in a straight line, but it curves as it falls down? Instead of falling vertically down, the object's line of travel will bend a little as it falls. He called this phenomenon GEODESIC ORBIT. Read all about it by clicking on the words. It's fascinating.

Have you ever been fascinated? I was fascinated once by a nurse. She did it with a needle in my arm.

Anyway, back to Einstein. You will not see the curve of a dropped object here on earth because you're too close and the object drops very fast. A dropped object here on earth drops at a speed of 32 feet per second, per second. This means that speed increases as the object is dropped from a great height. 

However, if you go out in space and a man on earth dropped an object, you will still not be able to see the curvature of the dropped object because you're too far away.

Moving on to another scientist. Charles Darwin for instance. He was as clever as Einstein. That is because he did not spend his time playing computer games but stayed in after school and did his homework and more besides.

He claimed that creatures evolve. There is some truth in this. In Northern England there was a particular species of moth which was white. As industries grew and factories and homes burnt coal; more and more buildings became darker in appearance as the coal dust from the smoke settled on brickworks and generally everywhere.

In time, the moth bred a new offspring which was darker in colour to enable it to camouflage from its prey. So a different species evolved. In essence it was the same moth which changed colour through the generations. When eventually Britain stopped burning coal and new buildings were put up, after various generations the moth changed back to its original lighter colour.

I went to see my lawyer the other day. It was evening. A moth flew in through the window and asked him for help. "I'm always sad and depressed," she said, "I always fear the worst and I'm afraid of the dark!"

"I can't help you," said the lawyer, "I am not a psychiatrist!"

"I know," replied the moth.

"Why did you come in then?" asked the lawyer.

The moth replied, "because the lights were on!"

Why are moths attracted to light? Does anyone know? And what do they do at daytime when the lights are switched off? Do they fly towards the sun? It must take them ages to get there and once they do they get burnt like Icarus. 

Icarus got burnt because he suffered from hubris. 

Hubris describes a personality quality of extreme or excessive pride or dangerous overconfidence, often in combination with (or synonymous with) arrogance.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Never rely on what you think you know.  Proverbs 3:5

Did you know ...

 

Did you know that although mice and guinea pigs have been used in various experiments, anatomically speaking we have more in common with the pig than any other animal?

From snout to tail, the pig is more like a human. We have both evolved to be omnivorous; meaning we eat a variety of foods like vegetables, fruits, meat and nuts. Pigs have similar teeth like humans. They have the same digestive system. Pig parts have been used as donations for transplants.

Mind you, a couple of chimpanzees or gorillas would be much more suitable if you want to move some furniture or other heavy loads. A pig would just grunt and be of no use to you at all. 

OK, totally different "did you know".  Did you know that in the Bible women are reprimanded for not playing fair?

It says, "If two men are having a fight and the wife of one tries to help her husband by grabbing hold of the other man's genitals, show her no mercy ..." DEUTERONOMY 25:11

So there you have it, ladies. Keep your hands off other men's genitals.

Did you also know that in many countries the octopus is a delicious delicacy and should be cooked alive? Unfortunately the dish is very expensive because the octopus runs so fast with his eight legs that no human can catch him quickly enough. On the rare occasion an octopus is caught and taken to the kitchen he wrestles with the cook and throws all the knives and kitchen utensils all over the place. When he is sometimes over-powered and put into a large pot of water, the octopus uses his free tentacles to turn off  the cooker.

Did you know you should never undress in front of a pet because it confuses them since they are accustomed to seeing people in clothes and not naked? Also, a goldfish in a bowl would see all body parts out of proportion to each other because of the spherical shape of the bowl acting like a magnifying glass?

 

The Ancient Romans used letters instead of numbers. The letter I meant 1, II meant 2, III meant 3 … they then got tired and tried something different. IV was 4, V was 5, X was 10 … and they also had L, C and M as numbers.

All this suddenly stopped when the Emperor Claudius received a text saying – I LV CLAVDIVS – and he didn’t know whether it was an amorous message from his girl-friend or his wife’s new telephone number.

 

And another "did you know?" Did you realise that there are now teach yourself books on almost any subject? You can easily teach yourself either from a book or from the Internet.

 

I taught myself how to swim from a book. I nearly drowned when the book got wet and the pages stuck together.

 

Human ears grow bigger in proportion to the rest of our bodies as we grow older? I knew a man with his ears sticking out quite a bit. He looked like a car with its doors open. The slightest gust of wind and he spun round like a revolving door.

Did you know that if you had a meal in a restaurant that is totally dark you would not be able to tell the difference between steak and a beefburger?

 

Also, in Tudor times in England blood-letting was a cure to many ailments. You'd go to the barber and he'd cut you up and let the blood out.

A man once went to the barber's for a haircut. As the barber was working on him the man looked down and saw a human ear on the ground. "Whose ear is that?" he asked.

The barber replied, "Hold it. If it's still warm it's yours!"

Hence the phrase, "Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears!" which is a famous line in the play Julius Caesar by William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616).