Friday 21 December 2018

A Guinea Christmas

A couple of days ago I was invited at my boss's house out in the country for "a little bite to eat and a festive drink", as he called it.

He lives in one of those big mansions that posh people have, you know, just like the one where Theodore Luxton-Joyce lives.

He had invited a number of people from work as well as a few of his friends and golf-playing pals and a number of people from his gentleman's club. It was mainly a stand-up affair where everyone stands in this large room mingling and talking whilst a multitude of waitresses come round offering you hors d'oeuvres, canapes and small little bites you would not give your dog; and a number of waiters offer you various drinks, mainly alcoholic rather than a good pint of lemonade, or a cup of tea.

Anyway, I had been invited and it was not the kind of invitation you would turn down. More a three-line whip as they say in political circles. 

As it happens, just before I set off from my office I got a phone call: "Could you pick up Bertie the guinea pig from the vet please? ... Please ... Pretty please ... We'll be ever so grateful for the rest of the year ... All twenty or so days that are left ... Please!!!"

Why can't they pick up their own stupid pets? Anyway, at the vets the nurse said that Bertie was still a little sleepy from the anaesthetic and will be so for the rest of the day. Have I got his little carrying cage?

Have I heck? I said yes and took the little creature and put him in my brief case to keep him warm.

At the party, whilst everyone was mingling and being ever so polite and upper-class, don't you know, what? Jolly good old chap. And all that. Someone noticed my sleeping Bertie walk along the wall. He must have woken up and got out of my case when I went to fetch the Marketing Report for my boss and forgot to close the case again. 

Now normally, any sane person would have said there's a guinea pig about.

Just point at the creature and say: "By Jove, there's a most magnificent specimen of the guinea pig variety, don't you know ... what?" Now isn't that something you have often said at parties?

But NOOOO. On this occasion some idiot from the golf club said: "There's a rat here, a damn big rat!"

"A rat?"

"Yes ... a rat!"

"Where?"

"Over there!"

"Where over there?"

"It was there. He's now gone over there I think ..."

"A big fat ugly rat ..."

"It's now ran over there ... look out ... he might bite!"

"Rats carry the platonic plague, you know ..."

"Yes, it's in their teeth. One bite and you're a gonna!"

"I don't want it to tear my 15 Denier nylon stockings ..."

"Don't be silly, man. Why are you wearing nylon stockings anyway?"

"Because I couldn't buy nylon tights to fit me!"

"Over there ... I've seen the rat over there ... it's big and furry ..."

Pretty soon there was pandemonium in that room. My boss's wife was mortified as well as mummified at the thought of having rodents in her house. 

"We don't have rats in this house, have we Luis?" she asked her husband.

"No ... there's quite a few at work though ..." he replied referring to his employees.

Everyone was running here there and everywhere in no particular direction trying to avoid and escape a non-existent rat who happened to be my sleeping Bertie taking a walk. 

Women, including the waitresses in their mini skirts, suddenly jumped on top of chairs, sofas, armchairs or whatever furniture of height, like the table at the end of the room, and held their skirts and dresses up high showing off their un-mentionables.

What is it with you ladies? What is the point of standing on a chair with your skirt held up high? Do you think the rat, or any other creature, would climb up your legs? The very sight of you screaming would most probably send him to apoplexy. 

I noticed there was even a wimp of a man standing on a chair and holding tight to a young waitress. On second thoughts, maybe he was taking advantage of the situation.

The butler came in with an assistant and tried to find the rat and kill it with a heavy shovel in his hand.

Luckily, I noticed Bertie cowering in the corner just by the grand-father clock. I quickly bent down, picked him up and put him in my trouser pocket. The stupid animal thanked me for saving him from certain death by biting my finger. He then proceeded to tumble and somersault in my pocket in a most embarrassing display which I wouldn't want you to imagine right now!!!

Luckily, no one saw him or his acrobatics in my trouser pocket. And the rat was not found or seen ever again.

The party continued in a most subdued manner, and I noticed no one was eating the hors d'oeuvres.

22 comments:

  1. Life is never dull in your neck of the woods!

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    1. No By Jove ... it certainly is not, don't you know ... what?

      God bless.

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  2. Bertie deserves a new cage and a party of his own for turning a boring party into an exciting get together with the guests and the help being the entertainment!!!🐀🐭

    Blessings ✝

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    1. Honestly; why did people react in such a fuss? And why did all the women jump on seats and scream? What is all that about? Do you scream when you see a rat or a mouse? The only time I scream is when I look in the mirror.

      God bless you Jan.

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  3. Replies
    1. Why Christine? Why? What would the small creature do apart from run away?

      God bless you.

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  4. Mortified AND mummified? What a spectacle!

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    1. Indeed she was, Mevely. Although I could not say which happened first.

      God bless you always.

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  5. Never knew guinea pigs could be so entertaining, even if they do carry the "platonic plague." :) Thanks so much for the chuckle today, Victor. Blessings!

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    1. Yes indeed, Martha. Guinea pigs are very platonic. You should see them spinning plates on upright sticks. They can do it for ages without dropping a plate - a skill taught them by Plato; the Great Plate Spinner.

      God bless you always.

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  6. I had to come back and let you know how much I enjoyed those videos you recommended! In particular, "I'll Never Find Another You" (I LOVE the Seekers!). No, wait. Maybe "Everything I Own." (Except I cry, remembering two loved ones, now deceased.) I'd never heard "You're My Best Friend", but it may be my favorite.
    (Now that I've piqued your readers' curiosity, won't you share them here?)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for your kindness in returning here to tell us you enjoyed the prayer videos I made. I promise to feature all these videos in one post on Monday. My Christmas present to my lovely readers just like you.

      God bless you, Mevely.

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  7. Bertie must have been confused seeing everyone jumping around and scared. :)

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    1. Yes he was, Bill. He'd never seen so many female legs before.

      God bless you.

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  8. We have friends from Ecuador who each guinea pigs!! LOL Love your stories, Victor. One never knows where you are going with it!!

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    1. Actually, I was not going anywhere. It was the guinea pig who was going all over the place and causing panic.

      God bless you, Terri.

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  9. Never a dull moment with you around. : )

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    1. That's exactly what the guinea pig said, Happyone.

      God bless you.

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  10. So, bring a rodent and let it loose at a party to take advantage of the frightened ladies...Hmmm...no, not with #metoo!

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  11. Shalom, Victor. Nice Story. Thanks for coming over to my blog.

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    1. It's great to see you visiting here Keith. We hope you return soon.

      God bless you.

      Delete

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