Rattus Goawayus

It was a wonderful early Spring afternoon. We went driving to the countryside. It was warm and semi-sunny and the family decided to go out for a walk. We parked the car and I must admit it was a beautiful afternoon to go for a walk in the countryside, all the way up the narrow lane, leading to the village about half a mile away renowned for its beautiful thatched cottages and small shops. It was like visiting back in time before modern society and materialism took over.

It was either that, or staying in the car and listening to a football game on the radio.

I did what any sane person would do. I stayed in the car and let the family go on their walk if they wanted to.

As I sat there in the driving seat listening to the radio, I noticed ahead of me, some two yards away, something moving amongst the bushes. I switched off the radio and concentrated. It happened again. It moved a few inches to the left, then ran into the bushes again. It was a rat. At first I thought it was some other country creature. A squirrel maybe. Or perhaps a mole or anything else that inhabits the countryside and is small and brownish. But it was a rat all right. It came our again. Ran left and right. But stood still for long enough for me to identify him as a rat. Perhaps it was foraging for food.

I panicked. I quickly shut all the car windows and made sure all the doors were locked.

I lowered myself down in the seat so he would not see me.

I read somewhere that rats can be dangerous if they attack you. I could not drive away of course because I was waiting for my family to return from their stupid country walk. They'd been gone for at least ten minutes; when will they return? Isn't ten minutes enough for stupid country walks?

I had to either frighten the rat away or attack him. I searched the car for something I could use as a weapon.

I found a bra.

Let us not debate what a bra was doing in the car. I could use it as a sling shot or catapult. If David had this bra in the Bible he could have killed two Goliaths simultaneously.

Problem is, I did not have any pebbles or stones in the car. I could use the bra to hit the rat with if he attacked I suppose. I kept it close to hand.

I had read somewhere that rats can travel hundreds of miles. Apparently they hang on the underside of cars and as you drive away you inadvertently take them to your home.

I raised myself a little in my seat to keep an eye on the ninja rodent in case he jumped and hid under our car.

Eventually the family returned from their stupid walk.

I hid the bra in the glove compartment and asked them to stamp their feet loudly before they entered the car quickly. I thought the noise would frighten the rat away.

They asked me why I asked them to stamp their feet. I told them it was a new game I'd invented. They thought it was stupid.

I drove away fast and every so often, when it was safe, I hit the brakes suddenly to dislodge any rats hanging on the underside of the vehicle. I looked in the rear view mirror to see if any rats fell off but there was nothing.

The family was not amused by my driving and thought I was a jerk. Little did they know I was saving them from a rat infestation.

We got home safely. When they were in the house, I bent right down on the ground searching for any rats hanging on to the underside of the car. There were none.

Maybe none managed to jump onto the car, or perhaps they fell when I hit the brakes.

What do you think?