Mathematics Made Measly

I know Mathematics is a subject many people find difficult to understand. Well - no more.

In this easy lesson I will try to explain the basics of mathematics and you'll be able to astound and amaze all your friends at parties, at business conferences, church prayer group meetings and other gatherings like funerals or divorce proceedings in Court.

For example:

PERCENTAGES - Did you know that 9 out of every 6 people do not understand percentages. That's almost half or 50%. See; it's simple. There's 100 in a whole percentage so half is 50%.

PYTHAGORAS -

 

He was a famous Greek mathematician amongst other things. He taught that the square on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of two other squares somewhere else. See the diagram above. Once you've understood it, just forget it because it has no valuable purpose in life. 

PROBABILITY - This means the chance of something happening. Again, I refer you to the diagram above. Did you know that there is more of a chance or probability of a person being killed by a hippopotamus than being killed by a shark. This is because there are no sharks in sub-Saharan Africa where the hippopotamus lives. So the likelihood, or probability, of a shark jumping out from behind a bush in Africa and biting your leg is nil or zero. That is unless you take a shark with you there and he gets annoyed that you've stuffed him in your luggage. 

DISTANCE - This one is simple. It is the measurement between one object and another and it can be measured by different means depending on which country you are in. Some measure in kilometres. Others measure in miles. Or if at sea they measure in knots for no particular reason other than to confuse landlubbers. The principle is simple. If something is far away it is small. Which explains the dilemma as to whether Napoleon was small or far away; or perhaps both. Also, as something approaches you it grows bigger. I once saw a small toy piano fall from a skyscraper. Eventually it grew bigger and hit me.

TEMPERATURE - This is the same as distance with some people measuring in Degrees Centigrade whilst others prefer Fahrenheit. The Centigrade scale is easier because it starts at 0, when water is frozen, and goes up to 100, when water boils. But did you also know there is Absolute Zero? This is the lowest possible temperature you can ever get to? You just cannot get any lower than Absolute Zero.

It is in fact -273.15° on the Celsius (Centigrade) scale and −459.67° on the Fahrenheit scale. It is over 100 kilos on the bathroom scale if you have been over-eating lately. So if you avoid weighing yourself you'll be OK.

At Absolute Zero nothing really happens. The buses will not run so it is pointless waiting for them at the bus stop. And don’t even be tempted to lick the bus stop sign whilst you're there because there may be all sort of germs on it.

Absolute Zero is also what most men get from their wives when they've said something that upsets them.

TIME - This is the simplest thing to learn. The clock has numbers written on it in a circular fashion from 1 to 12. Simple. When the big hand is on Number 1 it means five minutes, when it is on 2 it is ten minutes, when on 3 it is a quarter past, when on 6 it is half past, and when on 9 it is a quarter to. Could not be simpler. When the big hand is on 12 it is another hour. So instead of 1 it is 2, or instead of 2 it is 3 and so on up to 12 hours. Unless you have a 24 hours clock when you get 13 hours, or 14 hours and so on. Some prefer to read 12 hours in the daylight as noon; and 12 hours in the dark as midnight. Whilst others are asleep at this time and don't care anyway. 

People in Northern areas of the world cannot count noon and midnight because it is always dark in there. Their hours of daylight are only an hour or so. As soon as they get up it is time to go to bed again. They get out of bed, prepare breakfast made of eggs, bacon, sausages, beans, perhaps with some muesli and strong coffee; then they go back to sleep without eating it.

VOLUME - This is the measure of how much is inside something. A fat person, for instance, has much more inside them than a thinner person. Let's imagine the inside of something as a cup or glass. A glass is better because you can see through it. It is transparent; unless you have not washed it for a while in which case it says more about you than about the glass. 

So, looking at a glass we need to consider its volume. What is inside it. Is it half full or half empty? Personally I don't care for either as long as it does not leave a stain on the table. One way of avoiding this is by sticking a table mat on the bottom. That's the bottom of the glass, not your own bottom. Unless you wish to sit on the table naked in which case you should stick the table mats on your bottom. Don't forget to invite me, or send me photos, if you intend doing so.

ALGEBRA - This is a difficult and confusing area of mathematics and I would not blame you if you ignore it. It combines numbers with letters like: 2a +3 b = 5x - y

Let's be honest; how often did you go to the supermarket and say, "if 3 cans of beer and 2 bottles of wine cost $23.75 then how much would 4 containers of dish washing liquid cost? The answer is, "who cares?" Besides, if you were to consume the washing liquid instead of the drinks it would taste awful and you would poop soap bubbles for a week. I've tried it!

GEOMETRY - Another waste of time when it comes to mathematics. This is the study of shapes like cute triangles and obtuse ones who cannot even spell acute. But it is not just triangles which will confuse your head; there are also squares, rectangles, parallelograms, polygons (dead parrots), and circles. Personally, the shapes I like are hourglass figures which come in many sizes of course. Small, Medium or Rubenesque.

And the same applies for men's figures of course.