Je suis an Artiste

 

I have always wished I'd been on the stage ... some would think the first one out of town. But seriously, I think I would have made a great theatre actor, or in films even, if I had not been busy working hard for a multi-national in London and climbing the management ladder.

Oh well, famous actors like Ian McKellen, Laurence Olivier, Ralph Fiennes and Patrick Stewart could well have been joined by me if only I'd been discovered, you know.

I did, however, in my young days, spend quite some spare time on the stage. Presenting variety shows, acting in comedy sketches, and writing them of course. And even performing great roles in some Shakespearean plays no less.

I was a member of an amateur dramatic troupe which put on performances attended by at least fifty to a hundred people.

I remember a performance of the Scottish play. (You're not meant to say the word Macbeth unless you're on stage). Lady Macbeth was played by a young Spanish girl-friend of mine.  

I can hear her dulcet tones right now. 

"Ole zee par fumes of Arrabeeya vill notte sweetened zees littell hand. Oh, Oh, Oh! I steel 'ave zee smella offa beelod on my hand."

We were an international troupe of well-meaning amateurs set on making inroads into the world of theatre and confuse the audience at every venue we performed at.

I recall a short Italian Hamlet reading the famous lines which he could not remember by heart.

"Too bee, or notte too bee, zat eez ze questiona
Whezer eez ze nobla in ze mind to suffer
Ze slingess and ze arrowes of outta rageous fortuna,
Or too taker arms against a sea of trouble
And by opposinger enda zem. Todaay  — too sleepa ..."

And so it went on.

I had some leading roles too. In the play The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe I played the left door of the wardrobe. I swivelled to the right to simulate the door opening and to the left to close the wardrobe. Our theatre director said at the time I was made for the role. It was a wooden performance and he could not imagine anyone famous like Olivier or McKenna doing the role justice.

In Cinderella I played one of the mice which changes into a horse to pull the carriage. In Goldilocks and the Three Bears I was the table upon which the bowls of porridge were put. And in To Kill A Mocking Bird I was told I could not play the role of the bird because none featured in the play. That is a pity because for days I'd been practicing bird impressions by eating worms! Although I understand in the film they gave the role to someone called Peck who plays the role of a finch.

We did musicals too. In South Pacific, when they sang, "There is nothing like a dame", I was one of the palm trees swinging left and right to the music. 

So you see my friends. I could have been famous. I could have been the auto-mobile in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, or the hills alive in the Sound of Music, or Pinocchio's nose. 

But then ... I would not have met such great friends like you!