Tuesday 10 November 2020

Knock Knock ...

 

What a week it's been. Why can't I have some peace for a change? We had people at the door everyday; disturbing me when I have more important things to do than find out who's at the door. I don't like people, you see. Well ... I like them from a distance. I think they should knock on their own doors not mine.

There was a knock at the door on Monday. I did not open the door. That's because I was out at the time. I was at the library returning a book detailing the fines to be paid for overdue books. My book was overdue and I was fined £3; which is more than the cost of the book. So I kept the book. 

I can hear you thinking, you know. You're wondering how I knew there was a knock at the door if I was out. The dog told me. I have trained him to put his toy bone just by the door when someone knocks at the door. When I came back home, the bone was behind the door.

On Tuesday there was another knock at the door. This time I opened the door because I was home. It was the postman. Her had a letter and he said, "Is this letter for you. The name is obliterated!" 

I told him my name is Victor Moubarak. He gave me the letter anyway. It was from a lawyer. I had been left two valuable items in Aunt Matilda’s last will and testament when she died last year.

On Wednesday I took the items to an antiques dealer and he confirmed them as a genuine Stradivarius and a Rembrandt.

Unfortunately, Rembrandt was bad at making violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter!

As I got home there was another knock at the door. This time it was one of those couriers working for an Internet Shopping Website. He was delivering a package. He asked, "Is this Number 11?"

I said, "No. It is Number π ... pronounced pi. But the horizontal line at the top has fallen and it looks like 11. In fact our house Number is 3.14 because it is slightly larger than other houses ... 0.14% larger to be precise. So I called it pi."

He did not understand a word I said. He asked me if the packet was for me. So I sent him to Number 11 down the road.

On Thursday there was another knock at the door. It was one of those food delivery people. You order a meal on the phone and they deliver. He stood there with a flat box in his hand and said, "Pizza?"

"No ..." I replied, "Pi ... not pizza ..."

He stood there nonplussed. Obviously he was no good at mathematics. In order to help him I asked him, "Did you cut the pizza in six or eight slices?"

He looked in the box and said, "Eight ..."

I replied, "I'm not that hungry to eat eight slices," and sent him away to Number 11.

On Friday there was another knock at the door. It was a man. He said he was collecting for the Home For Fallen Women. I told him I did not have any fallen women. At that point there was a loud noise of something falling down the stairs. I turned round and it was the mother-in-law. I asked her, "did you miss a step?"

"No," she said, "I hit every one of them!"

On Saturday there was another knock at the door. I opened and found a snail on the doorstep. I remembered that on Monday I had seen that snail on the doorstep and to save him from being trodden on and killed I threw him in the bushes. I bent down to pick him up and he said, "what's the great idea of throwing me in the bushes?"

On Sunday there was another knock at the door. I opened and it was our priest. Trust him to call on Sunday. He said that he had not seen me for confession for a number of weeks, so he called to see if all was well. I told him I'd given up sinning. Too much effort. I could not see the point of going to all the trouble of sinning and then confessing it afterwards. I thought it would be easier to stop sinning altogether. Besides, my neighbour does not have an ass for me to covet and his wife is too ugly to covet anyway. 

The priest looked disappointed. He said no one seems to be sinning these days. Either that, or they don't know what sinning is.

He said he will run talks at the church hall on the Ten Commandments with various examples to  demonstrate each sin. There will be a talk on each Commandment every week.

I said I'll attend when he talks about adultery. I'd like to know how he'll demonstrate that!

21 comments:

  1. ...thanks for the knock knock jokes!

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  2. Hi Victor, I hope your neighbour doesn't read your post, or there might be another knock on your door. Ha ha!

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  3. There's always the option of putting a sign up on your door saying the person inside is hard of hearing. Please leave a note and lace it in the letter box. Thank you for your kindness. That, I think will cut down on your knocks you receive every day. :)

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    1. Oh ... I did try that, Bill. The problem is now that people ring the bell instead. It's louder than all the door knocking. I even got it on the e-mail. The other day I had an email which said, "Ding Dong ... Ding Dong ... Ding Dong ..." It was the Jehovah Witnesses working from home.

      God bless.

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  4. Truly funny today, Victor! I just finished In His Service, and it did not disappoint. Hope all your friends will order a copy.
    Blessings!

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    1. You are so kind to tell me you liked my latest book, Martha. I am so grateful for your loyalty and support. You are so kind.

      I am now working on my latest project (book). Not a Fr Ignatius one but a new venture. I will (may) post about it here, (or privately). It's slow going at present. The devil is hard at work trying to stop it.

      God bless.

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  5. Have you considered getting one of those 'ring' doorbells, so as to surveil whoever's at your door?

    In this season of Covid, I've become far too lazy to sin. I, would, however, enjoy hearing more about your priest's demonstrations.

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    1. Yes I did have one of those doorbells with a camera in it, Mevely. Someone came to the door, rang the bell, then stole it. He detached it and ran away with it. The police asked me for a desription. I told them the make and model of the doorbell. They said they wanted the description of the thief. I told them I want my doorbell back, not the thief.

      I am tempted to sin but I am too lazy to do it. Is it possible to hire someone to sin for you by proxy? Then you can confess it by proxy too?

      Keep smiling, Mevely. God bless.

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  6. I was going to suggest the same things as Mevely.

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    1. I did try a doorbell with camera, Kathy. See my reply to Mevely above.

      God bless you.

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  7. Well, i would say that getting rid of the door would also get rid of people knocking on it, but that would present a whole new set of problems.

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    1. Now that is a really brilliant idea, Mimi. Yes, get rid of the door. I mean the front door. Brick it up. No front door. I'd just enter the house from the back door through the garden. No one would go there because of the guard dogs. You are brilliant.

      God bless.

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  8. Dearest Victor,
    That is a great post and yes, there are some very 'smart' questions being asked at times!
    We all do get those unwanted and erroneous knocks at our doors and even more so in our electronic mail. How those all find their way to our address is a mystery but it happens.
    Fun to read on a dreary, rainy day due to some side effects of yet another Florida hurricane coming close to our area.
    Hugs,
    Mariette

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    1. I hope you are all safe from the hurricane, Mariette. Please take care. Praying for you all.

      God bless you and protect you.


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    2. Yes, we are well, we never have any of the full impact! Sad for those that lost electricity and got lots of flooding.

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  9. All kinds of people come to your door. Makes like interesting and funny too. :)

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    1. I'd prefer it if they knock elsewhere, Happyone.

      God bless you.

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  10. One of our sons has recently bought one of those 'ring doorbells', that allows him to see who is at the door - he says it works well!

    Happy mid-week wishes Victor, the days seem to go by so quickly.

    All the best Jan

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    1. Yes, these doorbells are quite useful when linked to one's cellphone, or PC.

      Best wishes Jan. The days are speeding and blending together.

      God bless.

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