As it happened

 

A long time ago, I hated being at school. The children used to bully me, steal my lunch box and give me wedgies. Eventually I gave up being a teacher.

There followed a series of other jobs. For example, for a while I was a door-to-door salesman selling doors. I had a couple of doors strapped on my back and two suitcases with door handles, locks, hinges and so on. Once I knocked on a door, not mine ... a door of a house ... and a man opened. I asked him, "do you want to buy a door?"

Before he answered I bent forward a little to put the suitcases I was carrying on the ground. The doors on my back hit him straight in the face. He fell right on his back like a felled tree. He did not buy any doors.

My next job was also as a door-to-door salesman. This time I was selling First Aid kits. I sold little boxes with all the things you need in an emergency. Like a small mirror in case you want to check your lipstick should you get injured. Small scissors to cut your finger nails and so on.

I knocked at a door and an old lady opened. After I recited the sales blurb to her, she politely said she did not need to buy anything and shut the door. Unfortunately she caught my hand in the door. I screamed. She was shocked and said, "are you all right?"

I said, "my right hand is ... but my left has been crushed!"

She used my First Aid kit but unfortunately the sticking plaster would not stick to my hand. She used the bandages but they were too thin and kept tearing as she wrapped it round my fingers. Eventually she tied my handkerchief to my hand and did not buy anything.

I worked in a zoo for a while. We had a tiger which ate Frosties. Serves the woman right for letting Frosties the little dog inside the tiger's enclosure.

I got fired from that job for feeding the monkeys ... to the lions. The visitors did not enjoy the lions feeding time whilst they were having their lunch. 

I got another job at a golf club. My job was to go round the course and count the holes. We had gophers nearby and they dug extra holes all over the place. The players got too tired going round a 108 holes golf course. The problem is I did not know which were legitimate golf course holes and which were additional gophers ones. I filled all of them in and the players complained that they could not get a hole in one or any hole whatsoever either. 

Another job I had at this club was to check if there were any golf balls left in the holes by the players. I used to go round the course in the early evening, after everyone had left, and check all the holes. I hated having to put my hand in the holes to retrieve the balls. I wore gloves. I once forgot my gloves so I tied my scarf tight round my hand. Unfortunately when I held on to the golf ball my hand got stuck in the hole. I could not get it out again. I could not open my hand to drop the ball and my fist was held tightly shut holding the ball and being stuck inside the hole.

There I was on my knees with my hand stuck in the hole. You could say I was "one in hole".

I cried for help, but there was no one there to help me. I was the only one in the golf club to lock up and leave. Yet there I was locked in a hole myself.

As it grew dark a fox came out of the bushes. He was not a club member. I decided to remain still ready to hit him with my free hand should he get vicious.

He approached me, raised his back leg, and told me what he thought of me. 

Somehow, this released my hand like magic as I ran to the club house!

I worked as an undertaker's assistant in a funeral director's office. I got fired when one April Fools Day I hid a tape-recorder in a coffin which repeated, "let me out ... let me out ..."  

I also got fired from working in a pet shop for teaching the parrot to say to the customers, "hello ugly ... what are you looking at?"

I worked in a museum for a while. I was a night security guard. I was the only one at night in the museum guarding the whole place and doing my rounds every so often in all the rooms. I was scared. So I took my dog with me without anyone knowing. I got fired when the dog ate the dinosaur's leg.

And that's how it happened.