Inventions and Discoveries

When you think about it; are there truly any new inventions these days? Have we not reached the stage where everything has already been invented?  

All that seems to be happening is that the so called inventors are tweaking things a little and making them that little bit better; rather than invent something totally new.

Cars can perform that little bit better. Same for cell-phones, computers, washing machines and so on. And in a year or two other manufacturers have caught on and have that new improvement in their product too. There is nothing really new. Like a car that you can fold and put in your pocket, saving you from having to find a parking space.

I long for the days long ago of really true inventions. Something that never existed before was invented and now everyone can enjoy it.

My great great great great grandfather was a great inventor. He was a great man. Enormous in fact. He also put on more weight since his invention.

His name was Ivor Rawbottom, and he invented sitting down.

Before that people did not sit down. They either stood up, or lied down on their back in bed, or on the ground. When they were standing up and got tired they just fell to the ground. You'd be walking down the street and see lots of people just falling to the ground of tiredness. No one ever sat down until one day my ancestor showed them how to do it.

He bent his knees and lowered his backside on a bench in a farm where he worked. Unfortunately someone had left a cactus on the bench. So he invented standing up again as well.

That's two inventions almost instantaneously and simultaneously. And he got no credit for either because he forgot to patent them.

My aunt's grandmother was also an inventor. She lived some hundred years ago, probably less. I never met her but I was told she invented the silk wash cycle in washing machines. Before that people did not know how to wash silk items. They just threw them away. Silk shirts, ties, scarves or whatever. People used to wear them once then throw them away. Can you imagine not washing silk shirts? Rich people had fifty shirts of grey!

She also invented the spoon rest. You know ... that porcelain thing that looks like a spoon and you use it to rest your spoon when cooking. Before that invention people used to bring an armchair in the kitchen for the spoon to rest on.

The knack or skill for inventing things has continued right through the generations in my family. A cousin of mine is a chemist. He worked in a big laboratory for one of those medicine type companies. He got fired recently for inventing an instant laxative and testing it on the nurses.

My family is not only famous for their inventions, but for their discoveries too. A great grandfather of mine, Jehoshaphat Smith discovered the East Pole. People knew of the North and South Pole but no other. At the time they were both poles apart. So he set out to discover a nearer one and he found the East Pole somewhere in the West. Apparently, it had moved whilst he was not looking. So to avoid confusion he called it the East Pole. It was near the Equator and because it is hot there it melted away. Sadly not many people knew of his discovery and he was soon forgotten. 

Another relative of mine discovered gravity. I know the science books tell us it was someone called Newton and an apple fell on his head. That's not entirely true. Gravity was discovered much earlier by a relative of mine Chef Ivor Heartburn. He accidentally dropped a bowl of gravy which shattered and splattered all over his kitchen. His wife said it was a calamity. "No ... my dear," he replied, "it is gravity!"

Wisdom runs in our family you know. That's probably why most of my relatives are stupid. I guess God must love stupid people seeing He created so many of them. 

An aunt of mine was so stupid that mind readers used to charge her half-price.

One very wise uncle said to me on his death bed, "My dear niece ..." (He was short-sighted by the way).

"My dear niece," he said, "remember ... there are two words in the world which will open many doors for you. Remember them always!"

"What words are these?" I asked sipping my pint of Guinness.

He smiled and said, "Push and Pull."

I liked that uncle. He was very short. So short you could see his feet on his passport photo. 

He often said, "take everything with a pinch of salt." Mind you, he made a terrible cup of tea!

He once told me, "Never ever ever take advice from any one!"

So I ignored him!