Calling all idiots

 

I have come to the conclusion that the world is full of idiots. I also believe that God loves idiots seeing He has created so many of them.

Let me explain. I'm sure, like me, you often see examples of prize idiots in your daily life. People who would do, say or think something that only an idiot would do, say or think.

Here are a few examples.

I was looking on-line for stainless steel oven trays, or roasting dish, as they are sometimes called. I searched various websites and providers and there was a plethora of choices. Almost every one, in the description of the item, warned: USE OVEN GLOVES WHEN REMOVING ITEM FROM OVEN AS IT WILL BE HOT

What idiot, I wonder, needs telling that? One description had a picture of two hands in oven gloves holding the dish; in case you used plastic washing gloves, or boxing gloves perhaps!

On another occasion, whilst looking for a dress, (NOT FOR ME), they had the warning: KEEP AWAY FROM OPEN FIRES 

A packet of peanuts I bought at the supermarket had the warning: MAY CONTAIN NUTS

I know that some people are allergic to various foods, and I feel very sorry for them, it must be a terrible condition to have. I am sure these people are intelligent enough to know the item they are allergic to. Do we have to insult their intelligence by warning them that a packet of peanuts contains nuts?

I also hate it when, on TV or radio, some idiot expert says something that you cannot contradict. By the time you write in, or text, it is too late. The item has been broadcast and your comment thrown in the delete bin.

The other day on TV someone said that the brain, (he didn't seem to have one), is not the only organ to retain memory. Apparently, someone had a heart transplant. The donor was a carpenter. The recipient of the heart, when healed, became a very adept carpenter even though he had never worked with wood before.

What nonsense. For a start, such a claim contradicts the fact that we have a soul and it is the soul that controls our behaviour. A lot of religions believe we have a soul, and the body is only the outer casing which disintegrates in time as the soul lives on. The brain, heart, liver etc ... are only various components of the body. 

That aside, such a statement by a so-called experts will only lead other people to believe it. Presumably, following this logic, if someone gets a liver transplant from someone who was an alcoholic then he too will become an alcoholic. The medical profession should be made aware of this. And should be grateful to me for bringing this fact to their attention.

Another example: A friend went to see the doctor. The doctor gave him some suppositories and said "put one in your back passage every evening before going to bed". Dutifully, the man put a suppository outside by the back door each evening. A few days later the doctor asked him how he was. He replied, "those suppositories were useless. I might as well have put them up my backside for all the good they did!"

I am sure you, my readers, can think of other examples of idiotic behaviour, warnings, comments on TV or social media, or whatever. In fact I wish you'd share them with us in the comments box below. We can prepare a catalogue of idiocy which we can then bury in a time capsule for future generations to dig up an learn about us.

I have a cardboard shoebox which I have labelled "Time Capsule" so all we need now is to fill it with bits of paper recording modern day idiocy.

Murder in the Monastery

 MY LATEST BOOK

 

CLICK HERE

Murder In The Monastery is not only a murder mystery novel. In this book we will explore together such topics as sin, forgiveness, loneliness, old age, suspicion and the inability to prove one's innocence and one's truth.

These and other issues are central as to why would anyone kill a priest and be a threat to others in a cloistered community of monks. Imagine you were in Father Ignatius' place and the finger of suspicion points at you. How can you defend yourself when your mind is playing tricks on you and you don't know what to believe any more?

Modestly priced and available from AMAZON in paperback and KINDLE version.

CLICK HERE

Parrots

 

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment... 'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship and your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house... As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying... Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them... After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence... Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says: 'Put the beads away, Peter. Our prayers have been answered!'

NOW CLICK HERE

 

How much do you need Him?

 

PLEASE LISTEN TO THE LYRICS CAREFULLY

'Till the rivers all run dry

'Till the sun falls from the sky
'Till life on earth is through
I'll be needing you
I know sometimes you may wonder

From little things I say and do
But there's no need for you to wonder
If I need you
'Cause I'll need you

'Till the rivers all run dry
'Till the sun falls from the sky
'Till life on earth is through
I'll be needing you

--- Instrumental ---

Too many times I don't tell you
Too many things get in the way
And even though sometimes I hurt you
Still you show me
In every way
'Till the rivers all run dry
'Till the sun falls from the sky
'Till life on earth is through
I'll be needing you

Are you following me?

 

For the past few days there's been someone following me. I went to the library to get a book for my dog and this creature was following me. He carried a large butterfly net. He was not too clever at following me. It was obvious. Every time I turned round he tried to hide. The first time he hid behind a cat. I could still see him. The second time I turned he hid behind a pane of glass two workers were carrying from their van to a nearby shop. He was totally useless at hide-and-seek. I could tell he was following me.

I climbed up a tree. That confused him. When he approached the tree I jumped on him, took his butterfly net and captured him.

I asked him why he was following me. He said he liked what I write but Feedburner will no longer let him follow me after the end of June. He said it was something technical.

So I asked my techie guy. He was too busy fixing my toaster. He explained patiently that in order to make a bacon sandwich I need not put the bacon in the toaster.

As for Feedburner. Apparently some people subscribe to it and get my posts e-mailed to them. I did not know that. It will soon stop e-mailing you if you follow me on Feedburner.

I like your posts. I visit all of you because my techie has put all your Blogs on a file for me entitled Special People. 

I go to the file daily and visit all the Blogs he put there. Whether you have posted anything or not.

Why don't you do the same if you like my Blog? Why not tell other people about my Blog too?

If you don't like my Blog, then let's keep it a secret between us.

Thanx. God bless.

A Rose By Any Other Sin

 

OK ... let us start with a funny:

Once upon a time there was a priest who got fed up with the number of parishioners who confessed that they committed adultery. Every week, in the confessional, it was the same thing - adultery.

One Sunday he said in his sermon that he was angry about this continuous sin of adultery amongst his congregation. He promised that if he heard this sin one more time he'd give up the priesthood and leave town for ever.

His congregation loved him and did not want to lose him. They agreed a secret code amongst themselves. From now on, instead of saying they committed adultery, they would say they have "fallen".

All went well for years until eventually the bishop moved the priest to another Parish and replaced him with a new one.

The new priest did not know the code. He was most disturbed that so many parishioners kept falling so he complained to the Mayor that the side-walks in town are uneven and that he should do something about it to stop people from falling.

The Mayor, knowing the code, laughed out loudly.

The priest said: "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."

You know, that is the problem these days. We have all become very clever at manipulating the English language to suit our own ends. What in years gone by was a blatant sin, these days we have accepted as something less serious. A misdemeanour maybe. A slight wrong-doing.

If someone takes something home from work, say a pencil, pen, a box of paper-clips or whatever; it is not longer seen as stealing. Well ... everybody does it. Not a sin really! 

If one is regularly late for work, or leaves early, or takes a longer lunch. That's not stealing either is it? It's not as if you've robbed a bank.

Listening to stories about someone, or telling stories, is just simple gossip. Just for fun. Not meant to be taken seriously. It is not lying really. It's not as if you lied in Court on oath, is it?

Being flirtatious is not serious either. Just for fun, really.

I think today's generation has become accustomed to generalisations and as such the seriousness of one's behaviour and the outcomes on society have been diluted as trivialities which are soon forgotten.

We have become immune to being shocked. Nothing is serious enough any more.

Because others do it anyway, it has become the norm. And the norm is acceptable if society has deemed it so.

Nothing really matters, Anyone can see. Nothing really matters. Nothing really matters to Meeeeee!

As long as it does not interfere with the moment. The here and now. Our "Me ... Me ... Me ..." culture. Then it's OK. 

As Shakespeare should have said, "A rose by any other name would still hurt you with its thorns."

Sin is sin. It was sin then when God wrote the Commandments, it is still sin now.

Do not worry about tomorrow ...

 

Well I guess some of my readers ... I have many you know. Three figures by now according to the statistics. Last count was 10.7 - I wonder who the 0.7 is?

Anyway, as I was saying before I got interrupted by 0.7 of my readers ... ... ... some of my readers will say, "Oh no ... he's going to be preaching about Christianity again! Why can't he tell us something funny instead?" 

I don't apologise for my Christian posts. Maybe someone somewhere might think I'm talking some sense. But if it's funnies people want ... OK ... I'll oblige:

The priest was telling the congregation about the evils of drink. “To drink is to follow Satan. Drink is bad for you. It will lead you to damnation”.

To demonstrate his point he put two glasses on the pulpit. One contained water and one contained whisky. He then produced a small box containing two worms that he had dug from the garden before the service began. He placed a worm in the glass of water and it floated about merrily. He then put the second worm in the glass of whisky and after wriggling for a few seconds it died.

“What does this tell you?” he asked.

A member of the congregation replied, “If you have worms drink whisky”.

*******

A priest is buying a parrot. "Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the priest.

"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.

"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he says "Halleluiah !!!" and when you pull on the left he shouts "Amen Amen."

"Wonderful!" says the priest, "but what happens if you pull both strings?"

"I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!" screeched the parrot.

*******

A very rich woman in hospital in intensive care dies for a few seconds. She sees herself leave her body in a near death experience and meets God in Heaven. “Is that it?” she asks Him, “Am I dead?”

“No,” says God, “you will live for many more years yet!”

She recovers in hospital and is well again. She is so cheerful that she decides to improve herself. She gets plastic surgery done on her face and other parts of her body, gets her hair re-styled and dyed a different colour, gets a new set of stylish clothes and looks terrific once again.

A few days later she is hit by a bus and killed instantly.

When she meets God she complains, “I thought you said I’ll live for many years yet!”

He replies, “Sorry, I didn’t recognize you after the make-over!”

*******

And now for the serious bit. How often do we spend time worrying about this and that and getting anxious over nothing? Anxiety can come from nowhere. A quick thought is planted in our minds and it grows and grows as we ponder what may happen and whether we will be able to cope. We worry about ourselves, our loved ones, the future, our finances, the state of the world, and the price of fish even.

And where is God in all this? He is pushed to the side-lines, because the more we worry the more we distance ourselves from Him. Somehow He seems irrelevant to our worries. How do you think He feels about this? Being ignored ... once again ... whilst we focus on our problems and how to solve them. Or how to let them overwhelm us into oblivion.

Let's consider this: “Every test that you have experienced is the kind that normally comes to people. But God keeps His promise, and He will not allow you to be tested beyond your power to remain firm; at the time you are put to the test, He will give you the strength to endure it, and so provide you with a way out”. (1 Corinthians Chapter 10 Verse 13).

The way I see it, (and I may be wrong),  God is not in the business of losing His followers. He knows you love Him and try your best to live according to His teachings. He knows you are weak. We all are. He knows we often let anxiety take over our lives. He understands.

When this happens, when anxiety overwhelms us, let us turn to God in prayer. In confidence. In humility. In faith and in full trust. And love.

He will not allow us to be pushed beyond our endurance.

The Toilet Roll

 

They say that life is like a toilet roll; the nearer it gets to the end the faster it goes round.

How often do we speed busily through life from one thing to another and rarely have the time to stop and enjoy what life is all about.

Let's slow down a bit and make happy memories for tomorrow.

Interview with my brain

 

Me: Well … that’s interesting … I’m talking to my brain.

Brain: I would prefer it if you did not call me “my brain”.

Me: What would you like me to call you?

Brain: I am your consciousness.

Me: Hein?

Brain: Your consciousness … you’ve heard the saying to be conscious is to be aware that you exist. Is a dog or cat aware that he exists? Does he know he is a dog? Or does he act through instincts? You are aware you exist … you’re conscious. If you prefer you can call me the soul! That’s what most people choose to call their inner self.

Me: Wow … this is getting complicated.

Soul: It isn’t. Let’s look at it another way. Imagine we have a car. It goes forwards, backwards, left and right, slow or fast. It doesn’t do this by itself. The driver inside it makes it move or stop.

The car is your body, and the driver inside it is me … your soul. The brain is merely the engine of the car. It’s an organ which receives and sends information to the other organs or components such as the heart, liver, kidneys, ears and eyes and so on. Just like the engine of the car receives information from the steering wheel, the driving pedal and the brakes and sends it to the wheels.

The soul is the driver, the body is the car, and the brain and other organs are just components.

Me: Wow once again … I never thought of it that way.

Soul: I was put in the car … your body … the moment you were created. When you were born. I accumulate knowledge over the years based on the surroundings and environment I am in, the love and care I receive from other souls, my up-bringing, my education and lots of other factors. And with all this information I am free to steer the body anyway I like … with me in it of course.

Me: Free to steer the body … I never thought of it that way.

Soul: Yes … the soul is the main driver and is responsible for all actions taken throughout the journey. Whether to go left or right, to do good or bad and so on. I am influenced by many factors as I’ve explained but the final decision and responsibility for the journey is mine.

Me: You mean up-bringing, education and all these things!

Soul: That’s not all … I am also influenced by a Higher Being … my Creator … mostly known as God. He advises me just as a driver would have a passenger next to him showing him the way. The driver is free to accept the advice or go his own way … perhaps influenced by … shall we say … other not so good advice!

Me: Wow once more … for the third time.

Soul: And as the journey goes on … over the years the car gets worn out and tired, perhaps damaged along the way, until the time comes when it can go on no more. That’s when it’s time for me to get out and go to meet my Creator.

Me: Why?

Soul: To tell Him how I got on with my journey. And depending on that He will hopefully give me a prize!

Charles Darwin and you

 

Charles Darwin was a controversial Englishman, naturalist and geologist who lived between 1809 and 1882. He came up with the idea of evolution. That is to say that humans have evolved over many many years from another species of animal - basically monkeys.

At the risk of over-simplifying all his works and theories here, suffice it to say that he believed that one species does change into another. That is, the species changes slightly every generation in order to survive, and over many generations it becomes, (or looks like), a new species.

What I'd like us to focus on, however, is the possibility that we may have evolved, over time into what we are now. We may not have started as apes, but perhaps we were always humans who looked like apes; i.e. we were covered with a lot of hair to keep us warm since clothes had not yet been invented and were not easily purchased on the Internet.

As we learnt to cover ourselves, first with fig leaves, (they don't cover much do they), and then with various animal skins, we evolved into humans with less and less body hair. So, in my opinion, we did not evolve from apes but from humans who were covered with body hair when they roamed naked and then lost this covering when fashionable clothing was made available in shops and on-line.

Are you with me so far? It doesn't matter if you don't agree. Just hold that thought for a moment.

Now then, as time goes by we "evolve" or adapt to survive our various environments. There is evidence for instance that in the Middle Ages people were much smaller and shorter than they are now. This is seen from the size of doorways in castles, and from bones found in graves. But as time went by and diets improved, as well as health standards, today's people are much bigger and stronger compared to their Middle Ages counterpart.

Now, if we accept this fact, it follows that we continue to evolve as time goes by into the future. Who knows how future people would look like!

Do we need toe nails for instance? What are they used for? Perhaps future people will not have toe nails.

But as we get busier and busier a second mouth would come in handy. We could use one mouth for talking, or answering the phone, and another for eating our lunch. This way we don't need to have a lunch break and we would work for longer and be more productive.

Personally, I'd like a mouth on top of my head. This way I could put a sandwich under my hat and eat it whilst going to work. Or I could be secretely eating KFC legs on the bus and then my hat would lift up and I'd throw the bones out. No one would suspect it's me because my hands would be holding the newspaper I'm reading.

It would also be a good idea to have an extra eye. Say at the end of your index finger. This way you could clean your ear and see what's inside at the same time.

You know how you sometimes say, "I've only got one pair of hands!" Well ... wouldn't it be nice to have two pairs of hand? Both coming from the side like now. This way I could drive the car and scratch my bottom at the same time.

I'm beginning to like this evolution thing. I wonder what else we could think of? A turkey with 12 legs so we can have one each on Thanksgiving and Christmas? Problem is ... he'd run too fast and we won't be able to catch it. Scrap that idea!

Can you think of any evolutionary ideas which would benefit us in the future? Don't be shy now ... let your imagination run wild and share your thoughts with us.

I promise not to laugh!

Miracles? Really?

 

You cannot possibly be a Christian and not believe in miracles. The whole of Christianity is based on miracles. 

An angel visits a young woman and she conceives a child as a Virgin. A miracle.

A Man is crucified and dies horribly yet three days later He is raised from the dead. Another miracle.

The whole of Christ's life, as described in the Gospels, is studded with miracles He performed for the benefit of others. From changing water to wine, to feeding the thousands, to the many healing miracles and raising of the dead. Jesus performed miracles, not just to help people in need, but also to glorify God and underline His Divinity.

After Christ was raised to Heaven, another miracle, we learn that the disciples and the first Christians performed many healing miracles.

Even before Jesus came to earth, we learn from the Old Testament of many miracles performed by God for His people. The parting of the sea for Moses and his people to cross over to safety. Feeding the Israelites with manna from Heaven on their exodus journey. Water flowing from the rock. People healed. Raising of the dead. And so on.

Today, sadly, many people have become sceptical. Including Christians. Many doubt that miracles happen at various shrines throughout the world. Places like Lourdes, Knock, Fatima and so on. Some Christians would mumble and say it is "unexplained" or a "mystery" rather than proclaim or say outright that miracles do happen.

Yes today ... now ... to any of us. Anywhere. You don't need to go to a shrine for a miracle to happen. Miracles can happen everywhere. At home, in church, in a hospital, anywhere. To anyone. 

As long as we believe.

Do you?

How useless are you?

 

Some time ago I was talking to someone about my Christian books. He raised the subject having seen one of my books lying around. He was not particularly impressed. He thought I was wasting my time bearing in mind how little Royalties I got per book. 

I explained that I was not writing the books to make money. He asked, "why write them?"

I said, "Maybe, someone somewhere reading what I write may well be interested in finding out more about God, or Jesus. Perhaps that person may join a church ... you know, first steps ..."

My friend said nothing. I could see he was not convinced but was being polite.

I said, "We can all do our bit to witness for God. It doesn't have to be writing books, or knocking at doors, or standing in street corners preaching or handing out leaflets."

"I'm totally useless at this sort of thing!" he mumbled.

This set me thinking. I guess God likes useless people. Faulty people. Let's see how many I can think of.

Peter ... he always talked first but when it came to the important part, he denied knowing Christ.

Thomas ... he doubted the Resurrection took place. Despite witnessing many miracles performed by Christ.

Matthew ... a thieving tax collector.

Paul ... a killer persecuting the early Christians.

Moses ... a stammerer too shy and afraid to go and ask a king to release the Jews from captivity. 

Jonah ... stubborn and disobeys God.

Can you think of any others? How about you and me? I am hardly perfect. I sometimes wonder why I got started in all this Christian writing. Maybe one day, back in 2007, I had nothing to do and I started writing "VISIONS". 

The rest is history.

I sometimes think of all the people I have met over the years through the Internet. People who Blog and who visit this Blog of mine. I think of them as I pray. For them and for you.

There's some very interesting people out there. With interesting Blogs and interesting subjects that you talk about. People whom I'd like to meet in real life. The problem with all of you is that you live too far away.

But we all have one thing in common.

The opportunity to witness for God. We don't have to be theologically well educated. We don't have to be priests, pastors, vicars, preachers or whatever. 

I am none of these. Just a nobody, (or so I'm told).

All we have to do is, every now and then, write something from our own experience explaining what God means to us, how Jesus helped us, and how our lives have been enriched as a result.

We never know who visits our blogs and does not comment. Perhaps one person would be inspired by what you write.

You don't have to be useless to witness for God. Be as you are.

Jesus - As human as you

 

I want to talk about Jesus. In your opinion, was/is Jesus God, or was/is He human?

I believe Jesus is God. He has always existed as a Spirit. He did not begin to exist when He was born as a baby on earth. When He was born that's when He became human. 

So He is 100% God and has always been. And He is 100% human and has been so since He was born from a Virgin.

Why? Why was He born as a human?

So that we might get to know God. So that we may meet Him on a level playing field. Another human just like us. So that we might learn from Him, listen to Him, talk with Him, and witness His Divine power through His many miracles; including being raised Himself from the dead by God His Father.

But here's another question on which to ponder. As a human, did Jesus share the same feelings, emotions and other human attributes like us?

When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come with her also weeping, He was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. “Where have you put him?” He asked.“Come and see, Lord,” they answered. Jesus wept. (John 11:35)

As Jesus approached Jerusalem and saw the city, He wept over it and said, "If only you had known on this day what would bring you peace! But now it is hidden from your eyes" (Luke 19:41)

Jesus was inside the boat, sleeping with his head on a pillow. The followers went and woke Him. They said, “Teacher, don’t you care about us? We are going to drown!” (Mark 4:38)

While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew’s house, many tax collectors and sinners came and ate with Him and His disciples. (Matthew 9:10)

Now He had to go through Samaria. So he came to a town in Samaria called Sychar, near the plot of ground Jacob had given to his son Joseph. Jacob’s well was there, and Jesus, tired as He was from the journey, sat down by the well. It was about noon. (John 4:4-6)

In the passages above we read about Jesus weeping over the death of Lazarus, and over Jerusalem; we read about Him sleeping, eating with other people, and even feeling tired that He needed a rest. All human attributes that we would not associate with a Divine God.  

If you go to a Catholic church you will see on the wall the Stations of the Cross. The various scenes they depict are not Biblical. They just show in various images how Jesus, a human being, must have felt on the way to Calvary to be Crucified. In the Stations of the Cross we see Jesus falling three times, tired from the beatings He received and from carrying the heavy Cross. 

In all the scenarios I've mentioned we see Jesus experiencing human emotions.

Why? Why was it necessary for Jesus to feel and experience human emotions? As God, surely He could have lived amongst us as a God, and be totally unaffected by human emotions. Totally unaffected by our sorrows about someone's death. Totally unaffected by hunger, tiredness, and pain.

Why did He really need to experience all these things?

Because He wanted to share in our humanity. By sharing in the many things that we go through in life Jesus unifies Himself to us.

You know when someone is grieving about something, and you say, "I know how you feel!" You can't really know how they feel unless you too have experienced the loss of a loved one, experienced a divorce, experienced losing your job, experienced poverty, sickness or the many things that we associate with those less fortunate than ourselves.

Jesus has experienced all the emotions we go through in life. When He says,  “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28), He knows precisely how we feel when life gets too much for us. When we are not only physically tired, but mentally and spiritually tired too. When we can't go on any more because we're going out of our mind with all the problems that surround us - personal problems, family problems, financial problems, relationships, or even the world's problems which are daily in the news media. 

Jesus knows how it feels when we're spiritually at a low level and our faith falters and we begin to doubt.

He too experienced this when praying in the Garden of Gethsemane when He uttered His agonizing prayer, “Abba, Father, for you all things are possible; remove this cup from me; yet, not what I want, but what you want.” (Matthew 26:39).

He experienced doubts when about the ninth hour He cried out in a loud voice, “Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?” which means, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?” (Matthew 27:46).

Jesus knows exactly how it feels to be physically, mentally and emotionally tired. How it feels to be ill, in pain, without hope, without love, alone, and in despair.

That is why Jesus was 100% human. In order to experience how we feel in every aspect of our lives.

Remember that, next time you are feeling low and in need of His help.

Ballet ... Ballyhoo

 

Some years ago, when I worked in London, a friend gave me two tickets to the ballet at one of the theatres. He was well connected, and these were good seats. He could not go so he gave me the tickets.

I could have thrown them in the drawer and forgot all about them. I could always tell him I enjoyed the show. Or I could have given the tickets to that beggar I saw sitting on the ground on my way to the railway station. I gave him some money instead.

Rather stupidly, I mentioned the tickets when I got home. 

Big mistake.

Suddenly we all became artistic, sophisticated and modern and we should go to London and see the ballet. Up to then we were happy to be uneducated morons satisfied with football on TV and soap programs like Downton Abbey. But nooooo ... we now had to go to the ballet.

This meant we had to travel to London, it meant an overnight stay at a hotel, it meant having to eat at a fancy restaurant rather that have fish and chips behind the trash bins in an alleyway, it meant more expense like a lovely new dress and a nice suit for me. 

What a waste of time and money. And there was a good game on TV too.

To top it all, they did not have popcorn at the theatre. Can you imagine? Sitting there for hours in the dark with no popcorn, no fizzy drinks or any sweets or candies. What a stupid place is this?

They were showing something called Swan Lake. I believe it is based on a German fairy tale and the music is by Tchaikovsky. Definitely not as good as The Beatles or The Rolling Stones, I tell you.

I read the story in the brochure they gave us at the entrance. £5 per brochure, would you believe? The worst £5 I spent and not got any popcorn!

Swan lake is about a prince called Siedfried who falls in love with a Swan named Odette. What an idiot. Anyone could have told him this relationship is not going to last. A prince and a swan!

She is a swan by day, and a young woman at night. Hmmm ... I shall not comment.

She's under a magic spell that can only be broken by a man who promises to love her for ever. A bit like the kissing of a frog syndrome, I guess. 

Anyway, he promises to love her for ever and a day ... and night. But he is tricked by the magician who cast the spell. They both die and live happily ever after!

Not much of a plot, I thought. What was worse is that it was performed in the medium of dance.

There was this man in very tight trousers. We were sitting in the front row, and you did not need opera or ballet glasses to see the tightness of his trousers. What was all that about? I thought. Thankfully he did not sing, because I tell you it would have affected the timbre of his voice.

Then there was this woman, amongst other cast members. For some reason they all walked on tiptoe. I did not understand why. She ran at him. Threw herself in the air, And he caught her and lifted her up high.

If any woman did that to me I'd probably end up in hospital with a hernia.

This dancing about and music went on for ages. Which is a long time to go without a beer, or something to eat.

At the hotel room afterwards I pulled up my pyjama trousers up high and attempted to walk on tiptoes.

I was told I'm an ignorant jerk.

Do we need pointless inventions?

 

It's amazing about all this new and modern technology. Various manufacturers and inventors competing to create a new product that would excite the public and encourage them to buy it. Over the last twenty years or so we have seen the creation of various products which, I would hazard a guess, we never really needed; yet we bought them all the same.

The cell-phone for instance. I'll admit it is a great invention and it has helped many people in difficult situations when they had to phone for help, or to communicate something urgently. But did we really need a cell-phone with a camera? This gave rise to another new trend, or craze. The selfie. The sudden and urgent need to take a photo of oneself. Not just one photo. But millions in every pause, in every background and in every situation you can imagine. And to make matters easier, someone invented a long stick with which you can take a photo of yourself by placing the cell-phone at the end of it. 

Recently, I was the recipient, as a gift, of yet another new invention. It is a Swiss watch. It can keep accurate time to the nth of a millisecond. But, here's the clever bit, every hour, quarter past, half past and quarter to, the watch face opens and a little bird comes out and sings "Cuckoo! Cuckoo!"

At first I wore is as a gimmick, if only to please the person who gifted it to me. You know how it is. Sometimes you have to comply to make others happy. Like the day my wife bought me two ties for my birthday. We were going out to dinner, so to please her, I wore one of the ties. As soon as she saw me she said, "what's wrong with the other one?"

Anyway, I had this Swiss watch on on my way to work on the train. Opposite me sat a young lady. I really do get annoyed when people on trains and buses listen to music on earphones so loud. In order to be considerate, which I usually am, I took off the watch and put it in my trouser pocket. Every fifteen minutes the damn thing went, "Cuckoo! Cuckoo!" 

I noticed the young lady looking at my trousers and say nothing. I wanted to explain. But how do you do that without getting arrested? I got off at the next stop, even though I was miles away from my destination. The watch told me that I was precisely 1 hour and 17.53 minutes late.

Another new invention is a contraption you wear on your wrist and it tells you how much you have walked, in miles and in steps, how many calories you have used, your blood pressure and so on. I wore it for a few days and it told me that I don't move enough. Obvious really. Mine is a desk job. I walk to the station. Sit on the train. Walk to my office and stay there until it is time to go home. The only walking opportunity I have is walking up and down on the same step at home. I do about fifty walking up and down on the same step. Takes me ages to go to the toilet.

You get inventions to encourage you to take exercise and be active, like this wrist thing, treadmills, and other equipments; yet you have inventions which encourage you to do the opposite. Like the TV remote control for instance. It encourages you to remain seated and not move towards the TV to change channels.

By the way, does anyone know why when I point to my wife with the remote control she does not stop talking? 

And why does she need to vacuum clean when sports is on TV?

And why there is dust on the TV screen? I mentioned it the other day and I got the silent treatment. Better than a remote control, I think.

Are there any inventions you think we could do well without?

(NOTE: Humour only. No phones, ties, watches, remote controls, dust or wives have been harmed in the writing of this story. All characters and situations are fictitious and any similarities to persons, situations or inventions are purely coincidental.)

Anthropomorphism

 

Anthropomorphism is the attribution of human traits, emotions, and intentions to non-human entities such as animals or even objects. In most cases, there is nothing wrong with that. For example, Donald Duck is, strictly speaking, a duck; yet it has been dressed like a human, it talks and can do human things like drive a car or cook. It has been given the character of a human and behaves as such for the purpose of the cartoon story in which it, or he, appears.

By the way, have you noticed that normally Donald Duck wears a jacket and hat and nothing on his lower half; yet, when he comes out of the shower or bath he has a towel around his lower half. What's all that about? Certainly not a human characteristic. I certainly don't go around wearing nothing but a jacket!

Anyway, I digress.

As I was saying before I was interrupted by Donald Duck, certain people attribute human characteristics to non-human objects. For example, I was visiting a young couple the other day and as I was leaving them they said they were going to pick up their children from school with Sophie. I thought Sophie was their children's nanny. But they jumped in the car and as they were reversing out of their drive I asked, "Aren't you going to wait for Sophie?"

They laughed and said, "We are in Sophie! Sophie is John's car. My car over there (said the wife) is called Bernard. Our cars have a character of their own. Sophie is more gentle and welcoming!"

I smiled and said nothing.

How can a car be gentle and welcoming? Can it be temperamental and refuse to start on a cold morning because it wants to tease or upset you? Or is it perhaps because the battery is low and it will not start the engine?

I thought nothing of it until a few days ago when the subject arose again. I was in the pub with John, the young husband in this couple of which I speak, nursing a beer when I noticed he looked somewhat forlorn.

By the way, by nursing a beer I meant drinking slowly. I did not mean I was nursing it because it was ill and needed medical attention. It was just a figure of speech and I was in no way anthropomorphising the pint in my hand. I wish you would stop interrupting my train of thought.

I asked John what was the matter and he explained, "For a while now, after I wash up the dishes and dry them, I put them away in the cupboard in a stack on top of each other. If I have four plates in hand, and there are already two in the cupboard, I put the four plates underneath the two so that next time the two at the top would get a chance to be used. I don't want them to feel left out and unloved by not being used. So I raise them to the top of the pile so that they are used next. This also happens with saucers, cereal bowls, and cups. I move the old cups from the back of the shelf to the front, and put the newly cleaned ones at the back."

For a moment or two I said nothing as I caressed my beer glass pensively. Careful now, don't go interrupting me again!

I then asked, "What does your wife think of this?"

"That's the point," he said, "until recently she did not know anything about it. They say couples should not have any secrets from each other, but there I was, after three years of marriage hiding this from her!"

"It's not as if you were having an affair!" I said.

"The principle is the same," he replied, "until recently it was a secret I kept from her. Now she knows. But what is worse, is that apparently she has been doing the same all along. I caught her taking all the plates out of the cupboard and moving the ones at the top of the pile to the bottom. I asked her what she was doing and she confessed. She has been doing the same thing as me all along!"

I smiled inwardly and said nothing.

"Can you imagine?" he continued, "there is probably a poor plate or saucer which feels unloved because it has not been used for ages. I put it on top and she moved it to the bottom of the stack again!"

"But ... but ... it is only a plate," I stammered, "it does not have feelings and it does not think like you and I" (Certainly not like you and your wife; I thought silently).

"And what is worse," he said, "when I saw my wife moving the plates up and down she accidentally dropped one and it smashed into pieces. Dead in the prime of life. We'd only just bought that set."

As delicately as I could, I said, "Look John ... this is some kind of OCD that you both have ... you should discuss it with a doctor."

"OCD?" he asked.

"Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It's when people do something repeatedly, like over-cleaning or washing!" I explained.

"Tell me about it," he said, "she is so cleaning mad you'll not believe it. The other day we had an argument and in the heat of the moment she threw a cup at me from a distance. She did not want to pick up the broken pieces so she put the cup in a plastic bag first, tied it up, and threw it at me. That way all the pieces were in the bag! Then she cried over the death of a cup."

I was at a loss for words because I did not have my dictionary with me. I bought him another pint and made my way home.

I took a taxi because my shoes were too tired to walk all that way back.

Simple Faith

 

.

Four minutes recording.

 

My new car

I've got a brand new car and I'm very proud of it.

It's an AUTOMATIC. I've always had manual cars before; you know, with a stick showing numbers 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and so on. This is my first AUTOMATIC and I've had it for three days. It has only two pedals. One for the engine to go Vrooom Vrooom and the other to stop the car.

I found something peculiar about this car. In the morning I put the little handle next to the seat in position D for Day and the car runs properly. It's a joy to drive.

When it gets dark I put the handle in position N for Night and the car refuses to move. No matter how hard I press the pedal for the car to move, the engine screams Vrooooom Vrooooom but it does not move an inch.

Just this morning something terrible happened. I was late for a meeting so I put the handle in position R so that the car would Run fast but it went backwards and hit the car behind me.

MORAL OF THIS STORY

It is easy to wave our hands in the air and Praise God and shout "Yay" in the Daytime of our lives when all is well and life is wonderful.

But in the Darktimes of our lives, when things go wrong for us and are terrible, we can so easily stop our praises and fall into the darkness of doubts, fears and unnecessary worries, and feel abandoned by our loving God.

And at such Darktimes we can even reverse back into temptations and sin because we can no longer see God's loving care which is only just a prayer away. If we trust Him.
 

How do you pray?

 

How do you pray? 

Do you pray sitting down on a chair? Lying down in bed? On your knees beside the bed, or in front of a Crucifix or a statue? Do you pray as you go out for a walk? Or at your desk whilst working, or blogging, or when you're knitting or doing household chores? Or when out in the garden?

How do you pray?

Do you repeat prayers you learnt when young? The Our Father perhaps? Or other prayers like the Hail Mary, the Magnificat? The Credo, The Rosary or whatever else you have been encouraged to pray?

Do you ask God for help and favours? Do you pray for certain people? Auntie Elma, or Gertrude? Or Uncle Jim? Or Cousin This or That? Do you pray for your children and others dear to you?

Do you make deals with God? If You do this for me Lord, I'll light a candle. Or I will not drink or smoke or ... for a certain period.

How do you pray?

Or more to the point. How should you pray? What does God expect of us in prayers?

I'm no expert on this, but I guess that as a loving Father, God expects us to talk to Him. How many of you have longed and wondered how long it will be before your children phone you, or write to you, or text you even? Just a short text to say "Hello!" That's all you want.

I guess God wants the same. A quick "Good Morning" when you wake up to welcome Him in your life as you welcome a new day. A "Good Night" when you go to sleep.

He likes to hear how you're getting on in life. He knows of course how you're getting on; but it is nice to tell Him all the same. It's a good conversation starter. Tell Him and thank Him for the good things that are happening to you. We often forget to thank Him. 

Let Him know when things are not going so smoothly; or are going really bad for you. That's exactly what you did as a child when you got hurt and went crying to your Mom or Dad.

Let God, your Heavenly Father, know that things are not going so well. Ask Him for help. Do not tell Him what to do; but trust Him that He will do what is best for you. When you were a child you did not go running to your parents telling them what to do. You were hurt. You cried. They knew what to do and did their best for you. So will God. In His time and in His way He will do what is good for you. Just trust Him. As you trusted your parents.

It is OK ... sometimes ... to get angry and upset with God. To tell it as it is. He can take our tantrums. After all, He took all our anger when hanging on the Cross. He'd rather we are honest in our prayers and say how we feel. To tell Him we are at our wit's end. We don't know what else to do and our very faith and trust are being tested. 

He'll understand our cry for help. And He will respond. Just as He responded in times of old, and when Jesus walked this earth and helped many people in need. He will respond as He responded over the years and will continue to do so for ever.

He will respond with love. With care. With compassion and pity. And also with understanding.

Life can be hard at times ... or often. I seem to be always asking God for something or another. Either for me or for some family member or friend or acquaintance or even you my readers.

I'm always asking God for something.

If I were God I would probably give up on me.

Thank God I am not.

How was I to know?

 

Something strange happened last winter. One day I noticed that the hamster was not moving. He was there in the corner of his cage, lying in a ball shape, not moving at all. I thought he was dead.

So I took him to a taxidermist friend of mine and got him stuffed.

How was I to know it was hibernating? I mean ... hamsters don't come with a warning saying likely to hibernate in winter.

I got him stuffed and put on the mantelpiece as a permanent reminder of the fun we had with him playing golf. He so enjoyed running miles ahead to fetch the ball when it went in the rough. 

Anyway, come summer a few days ago, he suddenly woke up. His first thoughts were, "I feel stuffed. Must have eaten too much before going to sleep!"

Let that be a reminder to all of us not to eat so much before bedtime!

 *******

Come on folks! This is a joke. It did not really happen. Apart from the taxidermist bit, that is!

What are you doing now?

 

I was travelling on the train the other day. I settled down in my seat and made myself comfortable for the long journey ahead. Opposite me sat a man in his late fifties reading a newspaper. Just as the train was pulling out of the station another man entered our carriage hurriedly. The man sitting opposite looked up and recognised him immediately.

"Hello Jack ...." he greeted the newcomer, "haven't seen you for ages ... not since college days ..."

They sat together opposite me and went on for ages reminiscing about the past. I closed my eyes and hoped that the journey would soon be over. The original man sitting opposite went on to explain how he'd become Marketing Director of a large multinational firm, then he moved on elsewhere as Head of Sales and Marketing, and then as Head of this and that ... The list went on as he boasted on how well he'd done in life.

His friend had become a teacher. He joined a local school after leaving college and he'd been there ever since. He listened attentively at the long list of successes which his companion related and then asked him: "What are you doing now?"

The first man stopped in his tracks, swallowed deeply and admitted that he was out of work. He'd just attended an interview for a job in the City, but did not hold much hope. 

I suppose life isn't always easy and smooth for most of us. We all have our ups and downs. Yet, no matter what we did or who we were in the past; surely what is important is what we are doing right now.

We may be at work, in between jobs, or perhaps with no job at all. The important thing is to do something right now. The past is behind us and gone. Sure, we can learn from it and use our experience to shape our future as best we can. But there really is no point in dwelling on how successful we were then.

It's not where you've been that matters.

It's where you're going to!

What's going on around here?

 

There's just so many things happening at once right now that I cannot make out what is real and what is not any more. For the past year there has been a lot of building work throughout town. Wherever you go there are people digging roads, building walls, with big cranes lifting heavy things and workers everywhere.

Now they have finished they have announced that they have built the biggest supermarket in the world. Can you imagine that? The biggest supermarket in the world. It covers many square miles apparently. So big that the whole town is now inside the supermarket.

They have changed our address from Acacia Avenue to Frozen Food Aisle. I objected to this and said I'd prefer something more classy like Wine World Corner. They said to go there I need to take the Number 6 bus. 

The other day I drove to Pizza Place and parked the car whilst I did my shopping. As I left I accidentally reversed the car instead of moving forwards. I heard a crash and looking in my rear view mirror I saw a ladder crashing to the ground with a loud noise. 

I got out the car and discovered that a woman cleaning the windows of her house at the time was hanging there from her window. She was wedged somehow and could not get in her house. I said I'd help her down but discovered the ladder was broken. She kept shouting, "Don't look up ... Don't look up ..." being more concerned about her modesty rather than her safety. 

I had to drive to Hardware Highway to get another ladder to save her from falling to her death from embarrassment. By the time I got back, half-an-hour later, she had managed to slide into her house from the window.

I don't know about you, but I am getting rather restless and irritable these days. I went to the doctor and he suggested I take up fencing to help me relax. I did this and the neighbours say they will call the police unless I put them back. 

To be honest, I am getting very miserable for one reason or another. So miserable that even my pet rock has ran away and left me.

The other day I went for an eye test and the optician discovered I was colour blind. No one had ever told me this before. The news just came right out of the purple.  

To make matters more miserable, a friend of mine who works at the supermarket as a check-out girl has told me she has just resigned to become an archaeologist. Her career now lies in ruins!

At the gym they installed a brand new machine. I used it for about an hour and then I got violently sick. It's a great machine though dispensing Mars bars, M&Ms, Milky Ways and other goodies.

The manager of the gym suggested I take up jogging in preparation for the marathon around town, which is inside the supermarket. I never thought I was the type of person to wake up early each morning to run around town. It turns out I was right! I gave up at the Ice Cream Counter.

Whilst at the Ice Cream Counter I talked to a friend of mine who told me that Old McDonald, the farmer, recently married a young bride of 25. After only six months of marriage he divorced her because he couldn't keep his hands off her. He has now fired his hands and bought himself a combine harvester instead.  

Whilst at the supermarket I moved on to the Pet Centre to buy some dog food. I met a friend there who told me she was allergic to her cat's fur. She was there to exchange it for another cat. 

She told me that her neighbour, an elderly man, must have got a new dog as a pet. She said that the old man named his dog something peculiar because all day he shouted out the window, "Help ... Help ... Help ..." He must have found him because after a while he stopped calling.

Anyway, that's all for now. I am number 127 in the queue to pay for my shopping. This supermarket is so big that by the time I find my car the bananas I bought will have ripened and be ready to eat.

John 6

 

Face to face with Paul ... and Thomas

 

It just happened so quickly. Unexpected. One minute I was OK and the next I was at the Pearly Gate. Hoping to enter Heaven. An Angel there checked my identity and then led me to an interview room. It was empty apart from a computer on a desk. The Angel said that St Peter was busy and someone else would soon attend to me.

Moments later two men came in. They looked like from the New Testament by the way they dressed and by their beards. They introduced themselves as Paul and Thomas. I smiled feebly.

They tried in vain to get the computer to work. Paul slapped it hard on the side but nothing happened. It would not start. They lamented the old days when they had large tomes and everything was written on it in indelible ink. 

They searched in an old shoebox for any notes which Saint Peter had left about me. 

"Ah ... here's something," said Thomas, "let me see. It says here you're a regular sinner. Wobbly faith. And ..."

They both read the note quietly and then Paul asked, "Why do you want to get into Heaven?"

"To be with God for eternity," I replied eagerly.

"And what makes you think He wants to be with you for eternity?" asked Thomas.

It was like a double act. Abbott and Costello. Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis. Laurel and Hardy. They looked at each other. Threw my notes away and started the interview.

"It said in your notes that you have a wobbly faith. Whenever things go wrong, you hesitate and doubt. What do you say about that?" asked Thomas.

I hesitated. I did not want to remind him of his nom-de-plume being Doubting Thomas in case that ruined my chances to enter Heaven.

"See ... you're hesitating right now," said Paul, "you must be direct. Act forthrightly ... with determination!"

Again, I kept quiet. I remember reading that before he fell off his horse on the way to Damascus he was forthright enough at persecuting Christians. I did not want to say anything because he was bigger than me.

"Let's give you a chance," said Thomas, "you can throw a dice ... here it is ... if you get any number from 1 to 5 you're not entering Heaven. You're going down with no parachute!" 

My lips trembled. I did not like the odds. I mumbled ..."what if I throw a 6?" I asked.

"You get to throw the dice again," said Paul.

It was obvious they had rehearsed this routine before. I felt a cold sweat on my brow.

That's when they turned serious.

"Look ..." said Paul gently, "God's invitation is open to everyone. He loves us all and He wishes we all love Him back, obey His Commandments and accept Jesus His Son as our Saviour. We are all sinners. I more than most. This is all we have to do to enter Heaven!"

I smiled weakly.

"We have all sinned in our life," continued Thomas still in the double act mode yet seriously this time, "God understands our weakness. He forgives time and again. Just like Jesus forgives time and again since He walked on earth, and now every day when He sees the wounds on His body which He suffered for us."

He stopped for a second or two then said, "God will forgive, as long as we repent honestly and want to be forgiven. Ask Peter about that when you meet him!"

I smiled again at this hint of a good outcome for me.

"Now wake up from your dream and tell everyone about it," said Paul.

Maths and other useless information

 

Mathematics is the very first type of education in the world. It all started when God said to His people to go forth and multiply. Of course, He meant go and learn the multiplication tables because they will serve you well in life. But the Catholics took Him too literally and had plenty of children.

 

Oh ... Oh ... I foresee a reprimand from my priest. He reads this Blog, you know; and often tells me off at Confession.

 

Anyway ... God told all creation to go forth and multiply. A year later He came back to check, and sure enough, every one had had a good time and there were plenty of baby everything everywhere. Baby people, baby animals, baby fish, birds and so on. And God was pleased. 

 

However, He noticed that there were only two snakes. So He asked them: "Did you not have a good time? Why did you not multiply as I said?"

 

 They replied: "We are adders. We need logs to multiply!"

Get it ... ??? No???

It's a mathematical joke. Logs means logarithms. And you need logarithms to multiply ... Forget it. It comes to something when I have to explain my own jokes. It made me laugh anyway.

 

Let's go on. Pay attention now.

 

Mathematics is all about numbers and the relationships of numbers to one another. For example, do you know that there are more stars and planets in the universe than all the grains of sands in all the beaches and deserts in the world?

 

Without telling you the number of stars the mere image I have depicted has conjured in your mind how many stars exist.

 

There are indeed many grains of sands in the desert. I should know.

 

I was once a member of a research team in the desert and my task was to count the number of grains of sands. I counted up to 23 and got tired. So I can categorically claim that there are more than 23 grains of sand in the world and more stars than that in the universe. Just look up to the sky at night to prove it.

 

The Ancient Greeks were great mathematicians. Pythagoras for instance used mathematics to work out the measurements of shapes, especially triangles. He found out that the square on a hippopotamus is bigger than two other squares in the bush. He also had great respect for flava beans as he thought they were the source of life itself. One day he was chased by his enemies and he came across a field of beans. He stopped and refused to go through it and was killed by his enemies. It's true, I tell you. Check it out for yourself.

 

Archimedes was another mathematician of sorts. He was having a bath one day and the water in his bath overflowed. He ran in the street naked shouting “Eureka” and was arrested for indecent exposure. That's true too. Who are you going to believe? Me or what you have been taught at school?

 

One day I was traveling on a train with my college professor of mathematics. The train was going fast and we passed a field full of sheep. He remarked: “Look over there, 134 sheep!”

 

I was impressed and asked him how he counted them so quick with the train traveling so fast. He replied: “Easy … I counted their legs and divided by four!”

 

A bit later we passed another field full of sheep and I tried the same trick. I counted the legs and divided by four; but I had a remainder of three. Which means there was either one sheep with three legs, or three sheep with one leg each!

 

The Ancient Romans, unlike the Greeks, used letters instead of numbers. The letter I meant one, II meant two, III meant three … they then got tired and tried something different. IV was four, V was five, X was ten … and they also had L, C and M as numbers.

 

All this suddenly stopped when the Emperor Claudius received a text saying – I LV CLAVDIVS – and he didn’t know whether it was an amorous message from his girl-friend or his wife’s new telephone number.

 

Einstein too was a great mathematician who devised Einstein’s Theory of Relativity without the use of a calculator. According to him, the richer you are the more relatives will attend your funeral.

 

Also, according to Einstein, if a tree falls in the forest and there is no one there to see it then it will remain upright.

 

He was once asked, is it true that sound does not travel in a vacuum, and if a man shouts in a vacuum then his screams will not be heard?

 

He replied: “It depends whether the vacuum is switched on at the time and how much dust is in the dust bag.”

 

Which all reminds me of the skunk running through the forest as the wind suddenly turns direction. He stops and says: “AAHH … it all comes back to me now!”

Door-to-door-to-door

 

Oooops!!! It was bound to happen. Someone wrote in about yesterday's post where I said I was a door-to-door salesman.

"Did you really sell doors door-to-door?" she asked.

The answer is Yes. I had two doors strapped to my back and I carried two suitcases. One full of hinges and the other one full of door handles. I also had a catalogue of all sorts of doors made in all types of wood, or plastic, or metal or whatever.  

I called from door-to-door encouraging people to buy a new front door, or a back door, or a door for any room in the house. I sold all types of doors for all occasions. Cupboard doors, wardrobe doors, fridge doors, doors for the washing machine or the dishwasher or the microwave oven. Any kind of door, I would have it in the catalogue and I could sell it.

Also doors for the shed in the garden. Or any other out-building like garage doors. I even sold car doors should anyone need a replacement for their car. Admittedly, there was not much demand for car doors when calling on people door-to-door. So I went to car factories instead. They were not interested because they said their car bodies came with doors already fitted in them. But I was not deterred. I managed to sell car doors for a group of people going on an expedition in the jungle. I told them that if it gets very hot they can always open the car door window!

So please, dear friends, if ever you have any doubts about the veracity of what I say here, do not hesitate either to leave a comment or write to me at the address at the top of this blog.

My door is always open. Which defeats the object of having a door really. Especially since I am out in the garden right now typing on my laptop. 

Now there's a thought ... why do pants have zippers at the front and not a door? Here is a new business opportunity I think.

Go away and leave me in peace

Why is it that one thing happens after the other in a seemingly endless continuum into infinity with the express end result of irritating me? Why can't people leave me alone in peace?

It started this morning. Got an e-mail from one of those courier companies saying the item I bought on the Internet will be delivered today between 2:00 and 6:00. 

Great ... that's four hours that I have to sit and wait. Can't go out. Can't do any gardening in case they arrive and I don't hear the doorbell. Can't go climb Mount Everest, or visit the Seven Wonders of the World, or go to the bathroom or anything else in case they arrive in this four hours window. The rest of the family is out for the day, and I have to stay indoors and listen for the doorbell.

Eventually they deliver. Moments later they send another e-mail saying the item was delivered successfully. Surprisingly, they have a photo of me receiving the item on my doorstep. Obviouly, the courier holding his cell-phone took a photo of me at the time.

Is that legal? 

Let that be a lesson to all those people who open the door in the nude. It happened to me several times when I was a door-to-door salesman selling doors. Ladies used to open the door in all manners of nakedness. I may not have had a cell-phone at the time but my memory is still fresh! I keep it so!!!

Anyway, after the courier came and went, I got up the ladder to fix the smoke alarm which started going Beep ... Beep ... Beep ... indicating it was running out of power. As I was up there by the high ceiling the doorbell rang again. I was not expecting anyone. I ignored it. It rang again. I ignored it once more. There was a knock at the door. I tried to get down the ladder, missed a step, fell to the ground with the ladder on top of me.

The smoke alarm fell down on my head and rolled under a cupboard still going Beep ... Beep ... Beep ... I was dazed for a moment or two. The sound of the alarm upset the dog who came running in and licked my face. I hate that. What is it with dogs licking faces after they've licked their private parts? What if we humans did that? Can you imagine? Licking peoples' faces instead of a shake-hand?

As I lay there, the doorbell rang again. Then the phone rang. I tried to lift myself off the ground. My back really hurt. Then the cell-phone rang also. 

I ignored both and opened the door. It was an old friend of ours. Mrs Fulton. She is in her eighties. She brought some biscuits she had just baked. I hate her biscuits even more that being licked in the face by a dog. They are hard and no one likes them. Except the dog.

"Are you OK?" she asked, "I heard a loud noise ... were you in the shower?"

"No I wasn't," I growled with a smile, "why do you ask?"

"Because the last time I came you had an inflatable rubber ring in your hand and you were all wet!" she replied with a genuine smile. Unlike mine.

"The last time," I said a little calmly, "I had a rubber ring because I was out in the garden picking up toys and bits and pieces left after a party we just had. I was wet because in order to answer the door quickly I slipped and fell into a paddling pool!"

"I heard a loud noise," she said, "it sounded as if someone fell off a ladder. Was that you?"

"Yes ... it was," I said politely, "I make it a habit to jump off ladders whenever someone rings the doorbell. I'd been up there hours waiting for someone to call."

"I also phoned you," she continued having missed my sarcasm, "both on your home phone and your cell-phone. I also wrote you a note. Here it is. It says: Are you all right? I was going to post it through the letter box and call again tomorrow!"

That is typical of her demented albeit well-meaning brain. Post a letter asking if the person is OK and call again the next day. In the meantime I could be lying there on the ground having my face licked by an equally stupid dog.

I thanked her for the biscuits. Hugged her and kissed her on both cheeks and sent her away happy for her good deed.

The dog enjoyed the biscuits then licked himself clean.