Smiley Time

 

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven; you've already moved most of the earth."

 

When dentist say ‘open wide’ does he mean mouth or wallet?

Don’t let your worries get the best of you. Remember, Moses started out as a basket case.

A woman complains to her mother, “I had this big fight with my husband Joe and at the end he just told me to go to hell.”
Mother frowns, “Oh, and so you came to me, huh?”

If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?

I get all kinds of weird looks at the gym. Can’t they bring their own pizza?

A guy leans closer to his wife.  Can you keep a secret? “he whispers to her.
“Sure I can,” says the wife, becoming curious.
“That’s good,” whispers the man again, “so can I.”   

They say you can’t get a decent job without education. But look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the moon!

An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son:
"Don’t be nervous, boy, just do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your family." 

There’s that moment when you put your steak on the grill and your mouth waters all over from that amazing smell. “Do you vegans feel the same when you mow the grass? “

A man comes in a psychiatrist office and says, “Good day to you. I am King Arthur. I demand to speak with the doctor.”
The nurse says wearily, “You are not King Arthur, Mr. Peters. Please sit down.”
Mr. Peters exclaims, “I am! It was God himself who told me I am King Arthur.”
Another patient stands up angrily, “I certainly did not!”