Who reads my diary?

 

Dear Diary,

Here I am banished to the cellar for a while until my wife cools off a bit. It all started when she said she wanted some peace and quiet whilst she does the cooking. So I took the batteries off the smoke alarms. No sense of humour, I guess! 

We live in an old Victorian house, hence the cellar. The house is supposed to be haunted but we've never seen a ghost. I guess he's afraid of my wife.

Funny thing cooking ... some would say that cooking is preparing raw food, cleaning it, putting it in a pan or oven with other ingredients and actually check it every so often until it is ready to eat. Others see cooking as opening a can of beans on some toast. Or heating a tin of soup. I wonder, do illiterate people get the full benefit of alphabet soup? I used to love alphabet pasta with tomato sauce when I was a child. When my parents discovered I was dyslexic they gave me spaghetti instead.

One of my favourite memories as a kid was when my brothers used to put me inside a tire and roll me down a hill. They were Goodyears!

Life was different back then. I grew up in a religious household. I used to pray and ask God for a bicycle. But none came. So I stole one and asked God to forgive me instead! 

Ha ... glad to see I haven't lost my sense of humour. Unlike her in the kitchen practising cremation. 

Life is different these days and it is difficult raising children. I've spent a fortune child-proofing our house. But the kids still get in somehow. I've got to be kind to them though. They'll be the ones to choose a senior home for me some day.

Life isn't that bad really. My wife and I are happy. We were trapeze artists in a circus. We met on the net. 

She likes going to parties. Me ... not so much. In parties there are usually two kinds of people. Those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is we are married to each other! So I stay under sufferance and make small talk with the ladies. I usually compliment them on their lovely shoes ... that's because I'm lying on the floor drunk!

Looking around here ... I really need to tidy up this cellar. I can see in that corner my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder. I wonder where it is. Reaching some heights no doubt.

I wish I was clever and could invent things and be famous. My grand-dad invented the cold air balloon but it did not really take off. My other grand-dad was a biologist. He tried to cross a shark with a cow. He got killed when he tried to milk it. 

My first job was as a photographer. My career was a bit of a blur.     

Better go upstairs now. Dinner's ready. I bet the dog will enjoy it.