Christmas Humour

 

It was Christmas eve and at the end of their first date , a young man takes his favourite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss. 

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how 'bout a goodnight kiss?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I like you so much!!"
"No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can't!"
 "Oh yes you can. Please?"
 "NO, no. I just can't."
 "Pleeeeease?..." 

 Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!"

I have just begun my food shopping for Christmas. The store was heaving with people pushing and shoving to complete their shopping. Eventually, having got a few items, I did my good deed for the day.

At the checkout, I duly waited behind a sweet old lady at the till. Her bill came to £58.83 but when she counted out all of her change she only had just under £10.

 I thought she was probably someone's Nan and I'd like to think someone would have helped my Nan out just before Christmas if she's in a similar situation.

She didn't want my help but I insisted, and in no time at all we had all of her shopping back on the shelves again.

What did Santa get in the North Pole whilst sitting on the ice too long? - Polaroids!

 

I asked my wife if she would like a necklace for Christmas, she said nothing will please her more. So I got her nothing instead

For Christmas, I bought my wife a world map and gave her a dart. I told her to throw it and wherever it lands, we will go on vacation in the New Year.

Turns out we are spending two weeks behind the fridge.

I asked my boss, “Can I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?”

He said, “It's May.”

“Sorry,” I replied, “May I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?”

I think Christmas should be moved to January. The stores are less crowded and everything is on sale.

This Christmas, I got a new car for my wife

I thought it was a great trade.

What is the librarians favourite Christmas song?
Silent Night

Just been up in the loft getting the Christmas tree down, and I found a present from last year which we must have forgotten to give to the kids...

...shame really, they would have loved a kitten.

 

Doesn't it get on your goat

when this happens?

.

I'm off to have a drink ...

...or two !!!