Paraprosdokians

 Paraprosdokians - look it up in the dictionary or Google it.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put ’DOCTOR'.

 

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

Stupid Things People Say

 

I'm amazed at the number of stupid things people say these days. Has stupidity become the current currency and no one told me? If so, I'd be rich and can compete with the best of them.

Here are some examples I heard lately:

On a TV dating program: "I am very spiritual. I believe the Universe will send me the woman of my dreams; the one to spend eternity with."

What does that mean exactly? Will his girl be from out of this world? A Martian maybe? How can he believe the Universe will send him anything? If he thinks the moon will influence his love-life he is on the way to becoming a lunatic.

On another TV program dealing with fashion: "I would like a future husband of mine to dress well. It doesn't matter what he looks like or what he thinks, as long as he dresses well!"

Good choice lady. Your future mate may be a lazy, drunken good for nothing, or of doubtful character and personal values, but as long as he wears the latest designer clothes he'll be the one for you. Have you thought of marrying a T shirt and a pair of jeans instead? Less hassle and they won't cheat on you as long as you have them in the cupboard. 

Here's another good one: "I know nothing about politics but I can debate it with the best of them."

Just great. This self-confessed ignoramus reminds me of a number of politicians I know.

An interview on TV: "I collect rocks because they speak to me. Their vibration affects our moods and our very existence. This rock here for instance would help your memory. Say you have an exam to revise for; the previous night whilst you're revising hold on to this rock in your hand. The next day take it to your exam and you will remember what you studied."

Well, this one surprised me. Personally, I would stay at home and send the rock to sit the exam instead.

On a "relationships" program: "We've been married happily for three years. We have no children. We'd like to experiment in an open relationship with other couples; it will improve our sex life and we learn from other people. I am quite happy to go with another man or another woman too. My husband agrees and is happy to do the same!"

I'm guessing this young couple will not live happily ever after. But then, who am I to know????

*******

The above have been examples of what's been on my TV lately ... apart from dust on the screen. Sometimes the dust is more entertaining.

Is it just me, or is the world moving too fast these days?

I say ... I say ... I say ...

 

CHOOSE YOUR FAVOURITE

OR

ADD YOUR OWN

Happiness is when you know that you are happy.

A tight shoe reminds you of your feet.

A wet man on the beach does not mean he came from the sea.

People believe what they want to believe.

A three-wheeled bicycle is not a car with a wheel missing.

A pencil with no point is pointless.

Wearing a woollen hat makes it easier to pull the wool over one's eyes.

Don't be so open minded that your brains fall out.

Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants.

He who run in front of car get tired; he who run behind get exhausted.

Say it with flowers

And chocolates too

Say it with jewellery

Or a good meal for two

Say it from the heart

Say what you think

But never be careless

And say it with ink 

 

 

Don’t worry if your job’s a joke

And your successes few;

Remember that the mighty oak

Was once a nut like you!

OK Folks ... join in

 

OK Folks ... join in. 

You'll soon get the idea and add your own sayings below:

You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore.

I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead give-away.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

The professor discovered that his theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

When you’ve seen one shopping centre you’ve seen a mall.

And from Groucho Marx "The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you've finished".

Sayings and Truisms

 

There are so many sayings and truisms, (or semi-truisms), which people often quote to make an obvious point. Like, "Take one day at a time", as if it is possible to take all the days together.

I have prepared a list of such sayings which you might find useful to add to your conversation at your next party or gathering.

You are unique and one of a kind in inducing boredom

Your life can be what you want it to be as long as you leave me alone

Stop, Listen and then Act the fool

Within you are so many answers, all wrong

Make Timely Decisions some other time

Do not compare yourself with others; they are better than you

Life is full of choices; one of them is to keep your distance from me

What you don't like, others may also not like; I don't like you

Your thoughts are things; so keep them to yourself

Remember that a little everyday will get you nowhere

Rome was not built in a day; because I was not the building contractor

To thine own self be true; boring as you are

That which does not kill us makes us stronger; except diarrhoea

Be the change you wish to see in the world; like clean underwear

Breathe in courage, breathe out wind, break wind often

This too shall pass, with a good laxative

Hold your head up ... ... ...