Good Advice Freely Given Here

The purpose of this Blog is to dispense good sensible advice for a happy and healthy life for all our readers. May we remind you that care should be taken in following such advice and where necessary to obtain professional guidance and counsel from the medical profession, psychiatrist, counsellor or your local refuse collection service.

1   When making a cup of tea, never ever, throw the hot tea bag in the trash bin. You risk setting your bin and house on fire. Blow on the tea bag to cool it first, or rest it on a plate to cool before throwing it away.

2   Never ever, use a vacuum cleaner in a room or house with the windows closed. The vacuum cleaner will suck in all the oxygen in the house and you will lose consciousness and die. This is a serious warning certified by the British Institute of Technological Sciences, (BITS).

3   To relieve stress have a bath with no water at all. Just get undressed and sit in the bath comfortably with no water whatsoever. Close your eyes and imagine all your worries and woes wash away. For extra cleanliness I sometimes vacuum clean myself. Be careful where you aim your vacuum nozzle though!

4   In life, always move forwards and never look back. They say that you learn from the past. Sheer nonsense. Looking backwards whilst moving forwards will result in you bumping into a tree, lamp post or other street furniture. Or falling down the stairs or being run over by a bus. Although, what is a bus doing in your house is another mystery of life.

5   Don't judge people by their accents, the way they talk or their vocabulary and sentence construction. Do like me. Judge people before they even speak. Within seconds of meeting people I have decided and placed them into one of two groups. Those I will never like in this or any other eternity. Those I might possibly, with a lot of patience and perseverance on my part, get to like eventually within a 15 minutes time span. So far, only 0.5% of people I meet are in the second category. You can easily decide in which group you place a person depending on whether they brought you a cake or delicious gateau or not.

6   Liking people in life is difficult. You need a specific criteria based on scientific well researched facts, and not on feelings, or other personal likes or dislikes which can so often be wrong. You should like people based on distance. The further away they are the more you should like them.

7   In order to peel and cut an onion without tears you have to do it under water; that is if you can hold your breath for that long.

8  Absolute Zero is the lowest possible temperature you can ever get to. You just cannot get any lower than Absolute Zero. It is in fact -273.15° on the Celsius scale and -459.67° on the Fahrenheit scale. It is over 100 kilos on the bathroom scale if you have been over-eating lately. At Absolute Zero nothing really happens. The buses will not run so it is pointless waiting for them at the bus stop. And don’t even be tempted to lick the bus stop sign whilst you're there because there may be all sort of germs on it. Absolute Zero is also what most men get from their wives when they've said or done something that upsets them.

9   Be-friending or following someone on social media is an absolute waste of time as the person you are following may very well not know where he is going. I once did not like something I had written on social media so I un-friended myself and could not log into my account again.

10   Finally, never ever take advice from anyone else. Not even from this column. Always rely on your own advice, especially when you do not know or have the full facts. That way, when things go **** up, (as they say around here), you will have the satisfaction of having done it all by yourself.