Thursday 25 October 2018

It Happened On The Bus

I don't know why, but complete strangers tend to start conversations with me whenever we meet. It could be on the train, or in the park walking the dog, on the bus, or anywhere. Complete strangers start a conversation by talking first about the weather, something we do a lot here in the UK, and then, before long they are telling me their life story. What is it about me that attracts complete strangers like flies to ... a honey pot? Why can't they leave me alone?
The other day I was on a long journey on a bus and I was quietly reading my newspaper "The Daily Gossip" when the man sitting next to me went, "Arrr me hearty! Shiver me timbers!"

I was startled by this sudden unusual outburst. I was expecting the more traditional opening gambit, "Nice weather we've been having lately, don't you think?"

Instead I got this pirate type utterance in what seemed a quiet authentic piraty type accent. And indeed the man, or so it seems, was a genuine pirate.

He told me he was a vegeterian pirate.

Have you ever heard of such a thing, or person?

He was a vegeterian pirate. He had a carrot on his shoulder.

I asked him, "How come, if you're a vegeterian pirate, you only have one carrot on your shoulder? Why not have a variety of vegetables?"

He said that he left some room for the rabbit. He then turned to the man sitting on my other side and said "What's up Doc?"

Well, it turned out that the man on my other side was indeed a doctor. He was on the bus because someone had stolen his bicycle. 

He said that he was short of cash and, if I wanted, he could give me some quick medical advice for a small charge.

As it happens, I did have a small personal problem on my mind which I was too embarrassed to discuss with my own doctor. But you know how it is, don't you? You don't want to discuss a personal matter with someone you know, but you're quite happy to discuss it with a stranger you'll never meet again. So I whispered the problem in his ear. Because I noticed that the carrot on the pirate's shoulder was trying to listen to our conversation.

The doctor asked me, "What are the symptoms?"

I told him they were yellow cartoon characters on TV named Homer, Marge, Bart and Lisa. I wondered what that had to do with my medical problem.

He then asked me, "How's your libido?"

I replied, "I sold that Italian car; which is why I am now travelling on the bus."

He explained that there was nothing to be ashamed of in my situation and that sometimes people do have strange habits in the bedroom. The trick is to be spontaneous.

He said. "If you feel like being amourous with your wife in bed; you don't knock her on the head with your umbrella and say 'Hey ... have you got a minute?' ...Be adventurous. Be amourous at any time and at any place."

"Mind you," he continued, "they'll never let me in that restaurant again !!!"

After a moment's silence, he went on.

"Some people have a problem in the bathroom too.

"For example, I had a patient once who suffered from rheumatism. So I advised him to keep away from any dampness whatsoever. Now he sits in the bath and vacuum cleans himself.

"Another patient always took an alarm clock with him in the shower. He would set the alarm at exactly eight minutes and then shower quickly before the alarm clock rang. He would rinse himself first, put shower gel all over him and create a great lather of soap, and then speedily rinse it off before the alarm bell rang.

"If he was not quick enough, he would still get out of the shower, even if he was still covered in soap, and put his clothes back on again. He never bothered to dry himself to save on towels. Instead he would wring his arms, legs and other bits before getting dressed."

At this point, mercifully, the bus reached my stop and I got off hurriedly. In my haste, I dropped the stick of celery that was resting on my shoulder.

16 comments:

  1. Might be a good idea not to talk to strangers!

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    Replies
    1. I agree Christine. But they do talk to me.

      God bless.

      Delete
  2. Are you sure you didn't get on a "special bus" going to a
    "special vacation spa".

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    1. I don't know JoeH. But it did have a number of people wearing white coats and carrying large butterfly nets.

      God bless you.

      Delete
  3. I was going to tell you not to underestimate the benefits of connecting with strangers, Victor, but in this case I can't think of any :}

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    1. There are no benefits of connecting with strangers, Chris. They say a stranger is a friend you are yet to meet. In my experience is that this new friend will soon want to borrow your lawnmower. So best to ignore his friendship at the stranger stage.

      God bless you.

      Delete
  4. A vegetarian pirate? Lol! Love how you've put the advertisements for your books on buses and that car. That's a brilliant piece of photoshopping!
    Blessings, Victor!

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    1. Hi Martha,

      I'll admit I did not do the bus and car advert. My techie friend did this for me. This is the original cover of my book "Visions" The new cover is yellow. (See right margin).

      So glad you enjoyed this adventure, Martha.

      God bless.

      Delete
  5. I'm glad my bus travels are peaceful and relaxing. No one bothers me. I like your ads for your books on the side of the bus too. Clever marketing!

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    1. Thank you for your comment about the bus, Bill. The idea came from my techie friend.

      I'm glad your travels are peaceful. I'll come and sit next to you and tell you my life story.

      God bless you, Bill.

      Delete
  6. I was going to suggest ear buds, Victor … but that's too subtle. Perhaps big fat, furry earmuffs? 'Tis the season, after all!

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    1. For sure, Mevely. Then I would not hear people and their stories.

      God bless.

      Delete
  7. I'm with Christine! Just stop talking to strangers and maybe a little honey mustard dressing on the celery would keep it from falling off your shoulder.

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    1. I now keep the celery in my top pocket in my jacket, Terri. Better than having a rose in a button hole.

      God bless.

      Delete
  8. I think your techie friend came up with a good idea :)
    Love the ads for your books on the side of the bus.

    All the best Jan

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    1. Thank you Jan. I hope you like my books too.

      God bless you and yours.

      Delete

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