As I Quote Myself

 

The one great, or should I say traumatic, memory I have about my period in London is about the day I was mugged. A young man held a plastic knife at me and said, "Your money or your life!" It took me a few minutes to decide what to do. I thought he said, "Your money or your wife!" As she wasn't with me at the time I did not see how I could make a deal.

He said, "Hurry up. I ain't got all day mate!"

I didn’t carry much money on me at the time so I gave him the only coin I had on me to save my life. It was a 50 pence piece. He looked at the coin in disgust and said, “Is that all ye got?”

I nodded silently and was very frightened. I must have cried a little because I felt tears trickling down my leg.

He pocketed the coin and ran away.

When I went to the police they asked me for a description. I told them the 50 pence piece was dated 2002 but unfortunately they never found it and returned it to me.

*******

I entered her hotel room and it was empty. I said loudly, "Hello ... anyone here?"

Her voice replied from the bathroom, "I'm in the shower. Come in!"

My boss had a certain reputation amongst the office gossip grapevine but I never quite believed it. It seemed that now was the time for me to sample such a reputation.

I did not know what to do, especially since my future career at this firm depended so much on her. I hesitated for a while.

"Get a move on," she cried impatiently from the bathroom, "I'm not going to wait all night!"

 Those were her exact words; I still remember them clearly. She obviously meant business and my future life flashed in front of my eyes.

I was totally confused. I sought guidance from my abbreviated Catechism which I carried in my pocket but I could not find an answer in a hurry. They really should have a better index in those books.

I took off my jacket and put it on the back of the chair. Then I took off my shoes. I had a big hole in one of my socks!

Before I could go on any further she came out of the bathroom fully clothed and speaking on her cell-phone. Apparently you get a better reception in the shower than anywhere else in her hotel room.

"Why have you taken your shoes off?" she asked.

"I did not want to dirty the carpet!" I replied unconvincingly.

 *******

Melba came to mind and I remember our first date when I took her to a French restaurant. She had frogs' legs; but the rest of her body was OK I suppose.

I had an open topped car at the time. A sporty looking little number. And I recalled how her hair used to blow in the wind as I sped up the highway. Then I had to stop and collect it for her.

She was a little rotund and she considered herself overweight - a bit like her mother. I remember well the first day I met Melba's Mom. There was a solar eclipse that day. They say if you want to know how your wife will turn out in years to come, just look at her mother. Well, Melba and her Mom were very large, to tell the truth; but I wondered whether Melba would have a moustache too when she got older.

Melba's father was often unemployed. He sat at home watching TV and expected his wife to do all the work and feed him. He was so lazy that if he ever fainted he'd need someone to help him fall to the ground. He once worked digging trenches on the road as part of a team so that engineers could lay in pipes, cables and so on. One day the team arrived and realised they had no tools with them. Melba's father phoned the depot and said they had forgotten to bring their shovels with them. The manager replied: "Never mind. Lean on each other in the meantime!"

Melba's parents lived in a small house ... so small that the mice were hunch-backed. And it was a cold and damp house too. There was a permanent rainbow in the kitchen.

Melba's brother, Ivor was an eighteen years old ruffian, who hung out with the wrong crowd. He was always up to trouble and to be fair to him he never knew what it felt like to be loved and wanted until  he saw his picture on the Police Notice Board.

He was arrested and taken to court for riding a bicycle without any lights on at night. In his defence, he said the bicycle had no lights on it when he stole it.

The Judge looked at him and recognising him he asked, "Have you ever been up before me?"

"I don't know," answered Ivor, "what time do you get up?"

 EXCERPTS FROM MY MEMOIRS

AS I QUOTE MYSELF

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