Thank You Lord.

 

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

TO

ALL OUR READERS

GOD BLESS

 *******

Thank you for the flowers that grow in blossoms on the trees

Old familiar faces that I'm always glad to see

Comic strips and fish and chips and people who like me

Thank you Lord Thank you Lord

 

Thank you for all the creatures from the mouse to kangaroo

Lambs and spreading birds that fly across the skies so blue

If we took a closer look we'd learn a thing or two

Thank you Lord Thank you Lord

 

Gratitude is a simple debt that anyone can pay

Thank you is two little words that go a long long way

So however busy, help me find the time to say

Thank you Lord Thank you Lord

 

Thank you for the happy songs that bounce inside my ears

Something clicking something picking the songs I love to hear

Spinning tops and busy shops with Christmas drawing near

Thank you Lord Thank you Lord

 

Thank you for your only Son who hung upon the tree

Dying so that we might live for all eternity

It's not much in return but Lord for what you did for me

Thank you Lord Thank you Lord

NOTE: I should be grateful for your help please. This song was played by me on my radio program many years ago. Unfortunately all I have is the tape of that program. I do not have the record and I do not know who the singer is, nor the lyrics. I listened to the tape several times and wrote out the lyrics above. Can anyone please help identify the singer or the song and when it was recorded?

Many thanx. God bless.

Observations I have observed

 

I wasn't particularly bright at school. I can't even count how many times I failed Maths. 

To improve myself I tried joining the debating society but the other kids talked me out of it. My teacher said I'll go down in history ... ... ...  and geography, science, woodwork and a lot of other subjects. I had failure written all over me. The other children did it with permanent pens.

Once a bully at school was rude to me. I had lost my Thesaurus and could not find the right words to answer him back.

As a child my parents used to make me walk the plank. We didn't have a dog. We were very poor indeed and did not have many things others took for granted. Not even a toilet brush. We used to tie a dead hedgehog to a stick and use that. 

For years I did not speak to my Dad. He was a bus driver and you're not allowed to speak to him.

When I left school I took a job on a farm. I had to take part in a sheep census but fell asleep.

I first met my wife at the museum, and the rest is history. In truth, we were both trapeze artists and we met on the net.

The other day I helped my grandfather with a book he is writing. He is not good at computers and he asked me how do you print a document. I said, "Control P." He replied, "I've not been able to control pee for a while now!"

He was a glazier. One day he replaced the glass in all the windows in a building only to discover he had a crack in his spectacles. 

He used to say, "Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me." Then a printing-press fell on him. 

He was reminiscing the other day and said that in olden times you could leave the back door open and you were quite safe. That's how he sank his submarine.

Another favourite saying of his is "Fight fire with fire!" That's how he lost his job at the fire brigade.

He bought a book on the Internet entitled "How to have nothing to do with your neighbour!" Unfortunately, he was out when it was delivered. 

Despite his old age he is looking for a girl friend. He tried joining a dating agency and they suggested a carbon dating agency instead. He asked a potential girl friend her age and she said 140 over 80 !

He went to an antique store and they did not want him to leave.

The other day he dropped his cell-phone in the toilet. He asked me what to do and I suggested he puts the phone in a bag of rice. Moments later he asked me how do you get a bag of rice out the toilet.

He's had an argument with my wife about whether the lid should be up or down. In order to make peace between them I asked her, "Does it matter?" She said, "It does when it's the pedal bin in the kitchen." 

I hate all those TV adverts aimed at the elderly, like insurance and pre-paid funerals and cremations. There was an advert for cremations which said you get 50% of the price back if you die in a fire.

He said he's found the cure to improve his memory. He has stopped listening to people.

I think he's got a point.

I Like Art

 

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TITIAN

 

I like art. Whether it is a masterpiece painting by someone like Titian, or some classical music by a composer like Handel; or even a pizza baked by my local fast food outlet - for art can be edible too, you know. I love all art. 

Take time to appreciate the vibrant colours and brush strokes in the Titian painting featured in this video. Enjoy the accompanying music by Handel. Two geniuses living years apart but joined together here for your edification and enjoyment.

Attitudes Modern Attitudes

 

There was a time not so long ago when people had a respectful reverence towards God. Even those people who did not necessarily believe in God, or were generally not spiritual, they had some respect towards believers and Christians. I never told my colleagues at work that I was a Christian. Religion and politics were not encouraged as topics at work. But when they found out through discussion that I was a Christian I noticed a change in attitude towards me. More respectful, polite and gentle.

But that was a long time ago.

Today society has changed. Certainly around here. It seems that some people are not content to just stand aloof from believers; but they get some pleasure in looking at them with disdain and ridicule. This is particularly noticeable on TV when often comedians or celebrities proudly announce that they don't believe in God and add a throw-away comment that to believe in "a bearded old man sitting on a cloud" is antiquated and people might as well believe in fairies or similar fantasies. 

Gone are the days of live and let live, it seems. Today it is more fashionable to deride and ridicule anyone who believes in God and in doing so encourage and influence others to the same way of thinking.

If a politician over here publicly announced that he was a practicing Christian I doubt he would meet with much success. Any singer or other public figure known to be a Christian would be the subject of ridicule.

When I was young, I was taught at school that God is everywhere. Now I know this is not true.

God is only where He is allowed to be.

If a closed heart and mind denies the very existence of God, if a nation discourages God's influence in its affairs and in its thinking; then God, being a gentleman, will step aside and say: "All right, let your will be done!"

MAN AND GOD

AMAZON LINK HERE

KINDLE VERSION HERE

 

TIME FOR REFLECTIONS

AMAZON LINK

Stupid Things People Say

 

I'm amazed at the number of stupid things people say these days. Has stupidity become the current currency and no one told me? If so, I'd be rich and can compete with the best of them.

Here are some examples I heard lately:

On a TV dating program: "I am very spiritual. I believe the Universe will send me the woman of my dreams; the one to spend eternity with."

What does that mean exactly? Will his girl be from out of this world? A Martian maybe? How can he believe the Universe will send him anything? If he thinks the moon will influence his love-life he is on the way to becoming a lunatic.

On another TV program dealing with fashion: "I would like a future husband of mine to dress well. It doesn't matter what he looks like or what he thinks, as long as he dresses well!"

Good choice lady. Your future mate may be a lazy, drunken good for nothing, or of doubtful character and personal values, but as long as he wears the latest designer clothes he'll be the one for you. Have you thought of marrying a T shirt and a pair of jeans instead? Less hassle and they won't cheat on you as long as you have them in the cupboard. 

Here's another good one: "I know nothing about politics but I can debate it with the best of them."

Just great. This self-confessed ignoramus reminds me of a number of politicians I know.

An interview on TV: "I collect rocks because they speak to me. Their vibration affects our moods and our very existence. This rock here for instance would help your memory. Say you have an exam to revise for; the previous night whilst you're revising hold on to this rock in your hand. The next day take it to your exam and you will remember what you studied."

Well, this one surprised me. Personally, I would stay at home and send the rock to sit the exam instead.

On a "relationships" program: "We've been married happily for three years. We have no children. We'd like to experiment in an open relationship with other couples; it will improve our sex life and we learn from other people. I am quite happy to go with another man or another woman too. My husband agrees and is happy to do the same!"

I'm guessing this young couple will not live happily ever after. But then, who am I to know????

*******

The above have been examples of what's been on my TV lately ... apart from dust on the screen. Sometimes the dust is more entertaining.

Is it just me, or is the world moving too fast these days?

Victor On The Radio

Years ago I used to present Radio programs; one of which was on a Sunday afternoon entitled Time for Reflections. 

Here's a short clip from one of those programs which brings back fond memories to mind.  

Giving thanks to God

(Ten lepers cleaned - one says thanks)

Luke 17:11-19

A New Hobby

 

I started a new hobby. Something that will keep me svelte and youthful as ever.

I have taken up synchronised solo swimming. At first I could not swim at all, but I tried learning it from a book. The pages got all wet. 

I have bought a new two-piece costume and I go to the local swimming bath and practice twice a week. 

My instructor says with synchronised solo swimming there is less chance that someone will be out of step with the others.

My instructor is Miss Ava Sprinkle. She made quite a splash at the Olympics some years back. So much so that half the audience nearly drowned.

She taught me how to swim upside down with my legs in the air which I twist round and round like an egg-beater. I can do it for up to 30 seconds then turn over and come up for air.

She explained that we must not fear the water as it is our friend. The best way to gain confidence is to throw yourself backwards in the pool. This way you do not see the water coming towards you. 

To practice, she showed me how to do it on a trampoline first.

I tried it on the trampoline a few times but I eventually had to give up. As I was up in the air bouncing off the trampoline, someone moved it away thinking it was a safety hazard. 

All in all, it is early days yet. Ava Sprinkle suggested I practice synchronised swimming with other people on-line by linking our computer monitors together and see each other on the screen.

Are any of you interested in joining in? We need a team of ten people.

Remembrance Day

 

REMEMBRANCE SUNDAY

ONE MINUTE SILENT PRAYER

Investigating Your Bedroom Habits

I am conducting a research project for the University of Dreams and I would be grateful if you would take part in our information gathering exercise. All information will be treated in the strictest confidence and data will be gathered anonymously by researchers who will not divulge their identity to anyone.

We are researching whether sleeping in a North/South position in your bed in alignment with the earth's North/South magnetic polarity affects the way you sleep. 

How is your sleep affected if you slept in an East/West position instead? Will you have a restless night and possibly have nightmares too? Or will it make no difference?

We went out and asked peoples' views and experiences on the matter.

First, we visited a street which is aligned exactly in an East/West direction.

Let's look at the Diagram below:

The man in House A has his bed aligned in exactly a North/South direction. He said that he often does not sleep well and he sometimes has nightmares.

His neighbour living in House B has his bed aligned in an East/West direction. This man said that he often sleeps soundly and wakes up refreshed and ready for a new day.

Encouraged with our findings so far, we went to Houses C and D but there was no one there to answer the door.

We visited other houses down the road and received a variety of responses ranging from, "Mind your own **** business you pervert," to "If you don't go away I'll call the police you **** **** **** !!!"

Undeterred, and fearful for our safety, we rushed to another part of town to continue with our research.

Unfortunately, not all streets run exactly in and East/West direction as in the diagram above.

We found a street which runs at an oblique to the rest of town, so armed with our compass, we continued with our research.

The Diagram below illustrates the point:

The man in house A is not sleeping in a North/South position. He is more North/West. He reported that sometimes he sleeps well and wakes up refreshed, whereas at other times he has a disturbed night.

The man in house B sleeps in a North/East direction. He said that sometimes he sleeps so soundly that he does not hear the alarm clock in the morning. At other times, however, he has nightmares, especially if he has eaten a lot of cheese before going to bed.

We went to House C and asked the man, having loaned him our compass, to sleep at an oblique and exactly in a North/South direction. (See Diagram above).

The next morning we visited him and he said that not only did he not sleep well, but he also had a cricked neck because his head was overhanging the edge of the bed.

In House D we asked the young couple there if they would be willing to sleep in a North/South position and report their findings to us.

The next day they reported that they nearly both fell off the bed sleeping in that position at an angle to the bed. They ended up having a great argument and the husband had to go downstairs and sleep on the couch, whilst his wife locked herself in the bedroom.

When we asked him in which direction he slept on the couch he threatened us with physical violence.

Would you be willing to share with us in which direction you sleep and whether you have noticed any difference in your sleep patterns or the quality of your dreams. 

Also, whether you sleep on your left or right side and does this affect your dreams? Or do you sleep on your back, on your tummy, or the foetal position with your legs right up to your chin?

If you have a beard, do you sleep with the beard above or below the bed covers?

There's evidence that what we wear in bed affects one's sleep. I sleep in a three-piece suit with a tie and socks; but never in my shoes. Party hat optional. How about you?

Finally, we have discovered conclusively that sleeping hanging upside down from a hammock is not affected by the direction of the magnetic pull of the earth, but it is dangerous because you can fall off and smash your head on the floor.

Peace

 

PEACE

Love One Another

 

 UBI CARITAS ET AMOR. 

UBI CARITAS DEUS IBI EST.

 

Where charity and love are

God is there.

BIND US TOGETHER WITH LOVE

Do you stand up for Jesus?

 

Why did God create us? I believe it is because He wants us to spend eternity with Him in Heaven. It is as simple as that.

Our life on this earth is only a temporary journey in preparation for an eternity with our Maker and Creator in Heaven; together with His Son Jesus and the Saints and Holy Spirit. By Saints I mean all those loved ones who have gone before us in a state of grace and love for God.

God wants us all in Heaven for ever. The invitation is sent to everyone. But not everyone responds. Some indeed turn down the invitation and decide to go their own way believing what they want. Denying the very existence of God even. 

And God allows them to go their own way. No one goes to Heaven against their will. No one is forced there.

Just like any loving parent hurts when their child goes astray; so does God grieve when we choose our way as opposed to His. He grieves bitterly but allows it to happen.

It is fashionable these days to proclaim that God does not exist. It is all folklore and antiquated thinking and belief. 

Years ago I worked in London, close to Saint Paul's Cathedral. No one at work knew I was a Christian. Talking about religion and politics was not encouraged at work. One day I visited St Paul's Cathedral with a  colleague. As we entered the vast building he waved his hand in the air in grandiose fashion and said, "Tell me Vic, do you believe in all that?" Meaning God and Christianity.

I replied, "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do!" He said nothing. But from that day he acted differently towards me. More polite and respectful. So did other colleagues. In time, other senior managers also acted differently towards me a junior. Word had got round about me. Maybe they thought I was odd, weird, whatever ... but at least they saw me as different.

As Christians, we all have a Mission given to us by Christ Himself. To go out and witness for Him and to spread His Word as best we can.

We don't need to be priests, deacons, nuns and monks, preachers, pastors or whatever else to do so. We can quite simply stand up for Jesus by the way we live our example for others to follow.

 

Recently, a nurse lost her job because she said to a patient, "I am praying for you!" The patient objected because he did not believe in God and took offence at the suggestion of prayers for him. The nurse lost her job - but what a way to stand up for Jesus. The case hit the headlines and eventually made news.

 

We can stand up for Jesus by the way we Blog. Someone might meet Christ for the first time in their lives by what we write. 

Whether we write about our families, or about food and recipes, photos we've taken or art we enjoy, music or humour, as long as every now and then a Christian message seeps through our writings it will do some good somewhere.

 

You do the writing and God will ensure the right person will read it.

Snakes Alive

 

I read in the papers that there is a real possibility that we might have snakes in our homes. Apparently with colder weathers in some countries snakes are entering houses and hiding in the loft or attic by climbing up drain pipes or even hiding in wall partitions or in cellars. They could be hiding behind furniture or anywhere warm; like behind the fridge.

So beware around the house and be on the look-put for anything out of the ordinary. Be careful when picking up clothes left lying on the bed, or a chair or on the floor; as a snake could be curled up amongst the clothes to keep warm. Snakes also like humid conditions for their skin; so be in the look-out in the bathroom, in the laundry basket, or hanging clothes like dressing gowns; you might put one on and find you're sharing it with a python.

A man found a snake in his car engine. It seems the snake crawled into the car from underneath when the car was parked and the engine still warm. When the owner switched on the engine the next morning there was an odd sound. When he opened the bonnet he found the snake had been caught in the cooling fan and had been killed.

With colder weather in some countries, many creatures are finding new living habitat in homes and offices. Especially various spiders, scorpions, snakes and insects.

As for bats ... they may be out and about at night, but where are they the rest of the time? In the wild they live mainly in caves, but if there isn't one near your house where do you think they hide? Try your loft, or your cellar, or the garage, or any other out-building. They can enter your house from any small gap under the roof tiles between the roof and the wall. They are as small as a mouse or rat and can squeeze themselves in. If you go up in the loft or attic to search for something you may well disturb a whole flock of them. If they can't all get out at once, like a crowd from a supermarket, they'll just fly around "blindly" and most likely get entangled in your hair. That's one advantage of being bald.

Have a Happy Halloween ... statistically speaking you are always nearer to a snake, scorpion, bat or rat than you think. "It's behind you!!!!"  

Family Tree Surprises

 

I have discovered another relative from my family tree search. This is Quentin Smythe-Humphrey the Third. Originally born in Melbourne in Australia. He is a distant cousin twice removed. And you can't get more distant than Australia. Every time we removed him he came back to the UK.  

He fancied himself as somewhat of an explorer always searching for something new to put his name to it. He claimed that he invented the spoon rest. You know, that contraption some people have in the kitchen for putting your spoon when cooking. There is no evidence to substantiate his claim though. 

He also discovered that when you cut down a tree and count the rings in the trunk you can tell the tree's profession - table, wardrobe, desk, bed and so on. He claimed that if a tree falls in the forest and there is no one there to see it; it remains upright. 

He is also reputed to have discovered the West Pole; as opposed to the North and South Pole. One day whilst sitting on a beach in England near Liverpool he looked at the sun over the sea. Instead of the sun rising as he expected, the sun actually set slowly down on the horizon and disappeared. Obvious really, seeing he was facing West at the time. He suddenly deduced (wrongly) that the West Pole is in America, which is why people said "Go West young man!" So he took the first plane available and flew to the States in search of the West Pole.

As soon as he landed he hired a car and drove and drove in search of the illusive West Pole. Or is it elusive? What's the difference? Look both of them up in the dictionary and decide for yourself. (You learn something new every day on this Blog).

Anyway, he drove everywhere. On one occasion he drove non-stop for a whole day. Tired, he stopped and asked for directions, (which is a miracle for any man to do). He asked, "Am I 24 hours from Tulsa?" The reply was, "No; you're 48 hours from Tulsa; you've been driving in the wrong direction!"

Quentin Smythe-Humphrey the Third never found the West Pole; but he is revered in the UK for something totally different. Whilst Sir Walter Raleigh is often credited with introducing the potato to Ireland in 1589 and England it was Quentin Smythe-Humphrey the Third who introduced us to French fries and potato chips. Until then, the British cuisine consisted of "boiled meat and two veg" - potato and carrots, potato and peas, potato and parsnips, potato and potato. Sometimes it was three veg, potato, carrots and peas. But Quentin brought us fried fish and chips. A staple diet to this day. Without fried potatoes we would not have French fries, and potato chips. Thank you Quentin.

And another thing. Whilst in America Quentin discovered pizza. We did not have pizza in the UK until then. He tried pizza in the States and liked it. He tried every kind; cheese and tomatoes, with pepperoni salami, with vegetables, with ham, with tuna. He tried every kind of pizza and liked it. It is what is known as the Domino effect!

The priest and prostitute

 

ISBN-10: 150106570X 

ISBN-13: 978-1501065705

 

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AMAZON REVIEWS

 

 This is a very well written 'Who Done It'. I thoroughly enjoyed the plot, and many original lines. The one I remember most was concerning a conversation in which the old saying "If someone yells in a vacuum can it be heard?" You have to appreciate the wit of the author and also the surprise ending. It is a very enjoyable read and I definitely would recommend the author. Yep, tis a fun read. Jack Darnell

 

 A man of many talents, Victor, entertains us with a "Who Don It" in this offering! What I liked MOST about the story---the reminder to not jump to judgement based upon circumstances! Victor tells a story with a touch of tongue in cheek--always--and adds a lesson in morality and faith while weaving an intriguing tale of murder and mystery. The faithful stand by Father Ignatius, but most fall away and even call for heads to roll--reminiscent of the last days of Christ. A talented writer, Victor, has once again used the infamous Father Ignatius to keep us on the edge of our seats--while at the same time gently reminding us of important life lessons. A Great Read! LJC

An intriguing and riveting story that will keep readers interested and engaged through the entire story. Highly recommended! Martha J Orlando 

This is a great fictional book, Moubarak has a talent for writing. Catherine

 

I so much love this book! I am still reading it, have not finished, but love how the story combines adventure, faith, and suspense. The author is very talented and has crafted a wonderful story. My highest recommendation! Deacon Patrick Kearns 

AMAZON LINK HERE

Oh Lord it's hard to be humble

 

Oh Lord it's hard to be humble
when I'm perfect in every way.
I can't wait to look in the mirror
cause I get better looking each day.

We live in an age where humility is seen as a weakness. Life has become ever more competitive and to succeed you must push yourself forward, take control, and beat the opposition to end on top of the world - the winner - the Victor!

History is littered with people who made it to the top - kings, rulers, emperors, dictators, military leaders, politicians and so on. They all succeeded by being strong and decisive; or so they'll have you believe. Most of them are now just milestones along the way of history and often forgotten.

The only ever lasting King and Leader of generations, the One Who changed time itself as well as humanity, is Jesus Christ. And He did it with humility and sacrifice. A rare quality these days.

People today believe that they are in control of their lives and events. But in reality they are not.

Only God controls everything everywhere. 

People just go with the flow. Whether we are world leaders, business executives or whatever ... we all go with the flow. We are like tiny ants on a leaf being carried away down the river. We think we're controlling where the leaf is sailing, but in reality we are controlling nothing and we're going with the flow. Carried away with time and events. 

Humility is not a weakness, a compromise, and cowering in fear.

The opposite is true. Humility is a strength of character. It is standing up for what we believe done the Jesus way. He did not hide in fear. He stood up for the truth but did so with gentleness and loving. Humility is caring for others more than we care for ourselves.

Humility is not thinking less of yourself but thinking of yourself less.

Humility is not denigrating or devaluing our self-worth. We are priceless in the eyes of God. Humility is standing up for what we believe and focussing less on ourselves and more on others.

I repeat: Humility is not thinking less of yourself but thinking of yourself less.

In everything we do we should think of how it will impact on others. How can we moderate our thinking, planning, and actions for the benefit of others rather than ourselves? 

In every day life, when we meet others our focus should be more on them rather than on us. How they're doing, their families, their health, their hopes and worries. We should be genuinely interested in other people rather than thinking and talking about ourselves and our achievements.

Only then can we be Christ to someone every day on our way to Paradise.

Whale of a time

 

There was a crashing noise in the kitchen whilst I was in the lounge watching Baywatch on TV. I ran to investigate and found a whale in my kitchen. It got straight through the roof and caused a real mess everywhere with broken debris, pots and pans everywhere and smashed furniture. Worst of all, it had ruined my Lancashire hotpot with potatoes, carrots, parsnips and swedes and plenty of mutton. The recipe did not call for fish and there I had a huge whale in the middle of it all.

We are over 60 miles from the sea. How did it get in my kitchen? I phoned the fire brigade but they would not come out because it was not on fire. The police said it was not on their wanted list and strictly speaking, although it was breaking and entering, it had not stolen anything. 

The Animal Rescue people turned up and said it had probably been picked up by a seagull and it proved too heavy for it after 60 miles. They could not help either because the whale was already dead.

I tried to flush it down the toilet but it was too heavy for me to carry upstairs. 

I planned to sell it to a cat food manufacturers. They declined the offer.

Does anyone out there want to buy a whale going cheap? It does bird impersonations too ... cheap ... cheep ... cheep!

English as it is spoke

 

Believe it or not, the two people above are speaking English ... or is it Scottish ... or Australian?

The English language seems to have developed and changed through time as well as geography. In the UK we say chips to mean fried sticks of potatoes, (French fries), and in the USA it means those crispy slices of potatoes which we call crisps. We say lift, you say elevator. We say petrol you say gas ... and so on.

Even in the UK, a small island just North of Europe the size of a postage stamp, we have different meanings for the same words. And different accents too. 

Up in Scotland we have different accents in Edinburgh and in Glasgow, a distance of just a few miles, (or inches if viewed on the map). 

Then we also have Welsh and Irish accents as well as the many accents in England itself. Someone from Liverpool would sound totally different than from Manchester, or from Birmingham, Norfolk, Cornwall or London. In fact in London you'd find different accents depending from which part of London you come from.

Here are some Scottish words and their meaning:

You ken - you know.

Braw - excellent or pleasant.

Dreich - dreary, dull or gloomy.

Eejit – Idiot (this word is also used in Ireland).

Canny – Careful, or sometimes Clever

Dinnae – Don’t

I’ll gie ye a skelpit lug – I’ll give you a slap on the ear!

Yer bum’s oot the windae - actual translation: ‘your bottom is out of the window’; meaning You are talking rubbish, or even You’re not making any sense.

And now some Cockney London Rhyming Slang.

Adam and Eve - meaning "believe" - Would you Adam and Eve it? (Would you believe it?)

Apples and Pears - meaning "stairs" - He went up the apples and pears.

Barney Rubble - meaning "trouble" - He is real Barney Rubble he is!

Brahms and Liszt - meaning "pissed" (drunk) - He came out of the pub totally Brahms and Liszt.

Bristol - short for a football team called Bristol City - which rhymes with titty meaning breast. So you would say - She had some large Bristols on her. Or, look at those Bristols.

Butcher's - short for butcher's hook - rhyming with and meaning "look" - Let me have a butchers at it. (Let me look at it).

Dog and bone - phone. I spoke to her on the dog and bone. She said her dog's meat (feet) hurt her and she had an itch on her fireman's hose (nose) and a pain in her Gregory Peck (neck). She went out and crossed the frog and toad (road) to fetch her dustbin lid (kid). When he got home, her dustbin lid (kid) was Hank Marvin (starving) and wanted feeding; but he said he wanted a Jimmy Riddle (piddle = urinate) first. So he went up the apples and pears - or tables and chairs (stairs) and pointed Percy to the porcelain (pointed his man bits to the porcelain urinal or toilet). She called him down but he must have been Mutt and Jeff (deaf) at the time because he didn't answer her.

She heard him wash his hands with a bit of Bob Hope (soap) and then he had a bread and cheese (sneeze) because he was coming down with a cold. He sat in front of the custard and jelly (telly = TV) and watched the baked bean (queen) give her Christmas address to the nation.

Enough Cockney Rhyming Slang for now. I'll say goodbye and go to the trouble and strife (wife) in the hope that she's got a Vera Lynn (gin) ready for me.

Tara now!

Status Quo Ad Infinitum Cave Canem

 

Amazing how we put up with things and let them continue rather than taking action to remedy the situation. Like the tiny spider we allow to escape up the wall and let him create cobwebs everywhere which we shall have to clean afterwards. Or the squeaky door hinge that we tolerate rather than apply a tiny spot of oil to smooth over our lives. Or worse still, the use of bad grammar when speaking or writing.

I went up to the bedroom and threw out the bed; it was high time it became my room I reasoned in a fit of pique. It is MY room not the bed's room! The same applied to the bathroom and dining room. Why have we allowed our language to let furniture appropriate room space in what is in effect my house, my rooms and my space?

"With this I shall put up no longer!" I cried out of the window ensuring that I do not end a phrase with a preposition.

"To what are you referring, kind Sir?" asked a passer-by in proper grammatical English.

"To whatever the particular situation happens to apply at the time in question," I said emphatically.

At this point a flying crow off-loaded the rejects of its digestive system upon my head. 

"Get in and stop acting the fool," said my wife from the kitchen. 

I shut the window and went to the bathroom to clean myself, but alas it was there no more. It was an empty room devoid of the furnishing accoutrements which make up a bathroom. It was just a vacant empty shell where once it was a central functioning facility.

Tired and exhausted I went to the bedroom and lay on the floor.

À la recherche du temps perdu.

 

 

À la recherche du temps perdu. In Search of Lost Time 

by Marcel Proust

In his book, À la recherche du temps perdu, the writer invokes memories from the past by eating a Madeleine cake. Oddly enough, this happened to me the other day when I suddenly remembered Black Bun. It suddenly came to mind and took me back to my many visits to Scotland.

For those refined readers of mine who do not know what Black Bun is, let me explain. It is a rich Scottish fruitcake which is encased in pastry and then cooked. It is a particular delicacy up North on Hogmanay; and other celebratory occasions. You prepare the pastry first then fill it with the fruitcake ingredients and bake.

Normally the final product looks like a brick. I remember a nameless mother-in-law relative who made it so hard that I took my cake out and threw it at the ducks in the pond to eat. They threw it back at me. I threw it back in the water and eventually it broke up for them to eat. You should have heard them breaking wind all the way home. Have you ever seen a flying duck breaking wind? It leaves a trail of smoke behind it.

Anyway, such memories for some unconnected reason, took me to the day when my auntie's goldfish died. She was proud of that goldfish and always pointed it out to me when I visited her. She called him Rover. One day she went out to the shop nearby and left me at home alone. I accidentally dropped the side light into the fish tank and electrocuted Rover. I fixed the light OK and it worked properly; but Rover was never the same again. I quickly went to the kitchen where I knew she had some carrots. I sliced one all along its length and shaped it like a fish the size of Rover and put it in the tank leaning beside some water plant she had there. Then I flushed Rover down the toilet.

When she returned, I finished my tea and cake quickly and bid her goodbye. She never mentioned it to me. She probably thought he died a natural death. Drowned most probably!

Amazing how thinking of Proust led me to all these memories. I was quite well-read at school you know. The other children wrote all over me with their Biros. One day in Science lesson I meant to write on the blackboard that an octopus has eight tentacles. But I miss-spelt tentacles and the teacher was very upset and she sent me to the headmaster. He did not know how to write it either.

I remember when one day my English teacher said to me "Your grammar stinks!"

I was upset since my grandma always smelled of lavender.

I told my father what the teacher had said and he asked "Which grand-mother?"

He wrote a letter of complaint.

My teacher replied that she had never commented on, nor would she ever presume to comment on, my family's body odour!

On reading her letter my father gave me a clip round the ears and then wrote again to the teacher apologising for the misunderstanding.

On reading my father's letter the teacher gave me detention after school.

On the Saturday I went to Confession. Our church had an old fashioned confessional which was a wooden booth where the priest sat and the penitents would kneel on either side and confess through a small window.

I told the priest all that had happened. He said "Don't speak so loud I can smell your grandmother kneeling on my other side!" Although he did not specify which grandma he could smell.

Then he gave me an extra penance for speaking loudly and for drawing attention to old peoples' body odour. Which technically I had not done because it was not me who started all this; it was my English teacher who said "Your grammar stinks!"

I think the church got this whole question of confession and absolution wrong somehow. I got a penance for my teacher's sin!

Moral: So did Jesus.

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Percentage Belief

 

 A man named Jarius pleaded with Jesus for help because his daughter was dying. (Luke 8:40-56).

On His way to Jarius’ house, with a crowd following, there was a woman who had been ill for some time and doctors could do nothing for her. She thought: “if only I could get close enough to Jesus and touch His cloak, I’ll be healed.”

And so she did, and she was healed. Jesus felt her touching Him and said to her: “Your Faith has healed you.”

As He continued His journey a messenger came and told Jarius that his daughter was dead. “Don’t disturb Jesus any further.”

Jesus said to Jarius: “Don’t be afraid; only believe and she will be well.”

He then went to the house and raised the child from the dead.

As He was leaving that place, two blind men followed Jesus. (Matthew 9:27-31).

They begged Him to be healed.

So Jesus asked them: “Do you believe that I can heal you?”

“Yes” they answered.

Jesus touched their eyes and said: “Let it happen, then, just as you believe!”

And their sight was restored.

The common theme in these three incidents is that the individuals concerned believed in Jesus and in His power of healing.

The woman did not even have to ask Him. She believed that touching Him alone would heal her.

Jarius must have been devastated to hear of his daughter’s death; but Jesus told him to believe. He had a quick choice to make: carry on towards the house with Jesus, or send Him away. He believed in Jesus.

The two blind men were asked directly: “Do you believe that I can heal you?”

What a challenge from Jesus Himself. Do you really believe? Or are you here because you may have heard so much about me, or as a gamble that it might work, or for some other reason?

When we earnestly pray to God and ask for something; what percentage in us really believes that He can help us? Or is there that minute 1% of a doubt lurking there, at the back of our mind, making us doubt His willingness, or ability, to help?

Shakespearean Tragedy

Now not many of you know this, but I am a Shakespearean actor. I am a member of a small troupe who perform publicly at various venues far and wide.

We’re very good really. Matilda, Hilary, Gerard and I. It’s a small troupe as I said … an ensemble you might call us. We try our best to be as authentic as possible when performing our plays; or bits of plays like monologues, sonnets and so on.

Now being a perfectionist, I like to dress in full costume beforehand and rehearse my lines in front of a full length mirror. You should have seen me as Mark Anthony the other day … frightened the cat I did!

One evening I was rehearsing my lines from Hamlet. “To be or not to be … that is the question!” I said in my best English accent. “To be … or not … to be …”

For those of you who haven't read or seen Hamlet, let me explain. This is the scene where Hamlet was putting together an IKEA bed and he picks up a piece of wood marked 2A and asks whether it goes with "2B ... or not ... 2B?"

Whilst I was rehearsing that scene the cat came into the room meowing and rubbing himself against my legs. I gently pushed him away and continued, “To be … or not to be …”

But the wretched cat continued to pester me, and my rehearsal turned more into, “To meow … or not to meow … that is the purr purr, question.”

“Go away”, I said to the silly creature, “this is a monologue … not a catalogue!”

But it wouldn’t go away, so I eventually put him out in the garden just as my guests arrived.

So there we were, Matilda, Hilary, Gerard and I, enjoying a nice cup of hot lemon tea. I like to offer them lemon tea because it loosens the vocal chords you see; it was also on offer and a little cheaper at the supermarket this week.

So we were enjoying a nice cuppa and chatting away casually when the cat came in and gently placed a dead mouse at Matilda’s feet.

“Eeeeek!!!”

She screamed loudly throwing her hot tea in Gerard’s lap. He quickly awoke feeling the sudden rise in temperature in his Southern regions and accidentally kicked the small table sending teapot, sugar and Viennese biscuits flying through the air.

I like to offer Viennese biscuits because they’re so delicate … and also on offer … buy one get one free. So I got two packets.

Anyway, in the mayhem that ensued the dog suddenly awoke and rushed out of the room.

The whole evening’s events were totally disrupted and our rehearsals adjourned to a date in the very distant future.

The cat enjoyed the Viennese biscuits but was not too partial to the lemon tea.

I understand both Matilda and Gerard are consulting their respective lawyers.

Anyway, weeks later, after all these events died down, I landed a big part in a play that’s showing locally in town. I play the part of a mouse.

I know it’s not Shakespeare but he could have written it I suppose; if he was into pantomimes. That’s a British comedic theatre style, for those of you who don’t know.

I play one of the mice that turn into horses in the Cinderella story. I’m sure you know the story, the Fairy Godmother turns a pumpkin into a horse drawn carriage and the mice into horses. I play one of the mice.

Now as I mentioned before, I like to rehearse my lines in full costume at home in front of a full length mirror.

I realise that in Cinderella I don’t have any lines to say per se. I just stand there dressed as a mouse together with three other actors; then there’s a big bang as the Fairy Godmother waves her wand … the lights go out … and when they come on again we’ve left the stage and we’re replaced by four other actors dressed like horses.

It’s very complicated you see and requires a lot of rehearsals to get it right.

So I took my costume home and put it on. Then I stood there in front of the mirror looking like a giant mouse.

The cat came in and AHHH!!!! He was totally frightened out of his nine lives. He thought one of the many mice he has been chasing in the past had come back for revenge. He climbed madly on top of the wardrobe and would not come down … shaking to death he was.

What a turn of events. The cat who made my life hell all these years is now cowering away like a quivering jelly on top of the wardrobe.

The lazy dog usually half-asleep in front of the TV woke up suddenly upon hearing the cat’s commotion. He looked at me and decided there’s no way he’d let a giant mouse usurp his territory.

He started growling. I tried to calm him down, but he pounced toppling me onto the ground and biting me in several unmentionable places.

I’m currently recuperating in hospital. But considering playing the role of the wardrobe in our next production of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.

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