Thursday, 11 July 2019

How Well Do You Know Your Bible Stories?

At the beginning God created Adam and gave him the task to name all the animals, birds and creatures of the sea. Adam was enthusiastic at first and as the animals passed by he said in monosyllables "Ant, bee, cat, dog, cow, pig ..." and so on.

In time, he became more adventurous and used longer words, "giraffe, horse, llama, tiger, panther, zebra ..." and so on.

But there were many animals and birds, not to mention all the fishes in the sea, still to be named. So Adam grew tired and he could hardly keep his eyes open. When the next animal walked by him he said, "Hippopotamus amphibius or Choeropsis liberiensis or Hexaprotodon liberiensis depending on the size of the animal."

At which point God hit Adam on the head with a dead bat and said "Don't be too clever, lad!"

And that's how we got the word Hippopotamus.

Anyway, this went on for a while and Adam grew tired and forlorn, whatever forlorn means. So he asked God, "I wish I had some company other than these dumb animals!"

God scratched His beard and asked, "What do you want?"

Adam replied, "I wish I had another person like me ... but not totally like me if you understand what I mean. I like her to be beautiful. I want her to love me and to be faithful and loyal to me. To be always with me. To be able to cook and clean when things get a little untidy; but not when sports is on TV. And generally to be the best companion and friend any one in the world would wish for. "

"Good Lord!" said God mentioning Himself, "you're not asking for much are you? To have a wife like that would cost an arm and a leg!"

Adam hesitated and then replied, "All right ... what do I get for a rib?"

So Eve was created and lived with Adam. One day she asked him, "Adam ... do you love me?"

"Who else is there?" he asked.

"Just me of course ... silly ..." she said coyly, "but I like re-assurance every now and then!"

"I married you didn't I?" replied Adam turning the volume on the TV.

And so it went for years ever since with women wanting re-assurance despite all the flowers and chocolates men buy from the gas station when they fill up their cars.

So this went on for years and years with more and more people populating the earth and mostly behaving badly. So one day God had enough and decreed that there will be rain for forty days and nights and everyone will drown ... except one family of a man called Noah.

God asked Noah to build a big boat. Big enough for him and his family and all the animals of the earth who will also be saved from the flood that is to come.

Noah did manage to build the boat, (God knows how long that took), and eventually started collecting animals from all over the world. However he became over-enthusiastic and collected mosquitoes, wasps, yellow jackets, scorpions, and all other creepy crawly bad creatures on the boat. He either had a very warped sense of humour or he was an utter and total complete idiot. Remember that next time a mosquito or wasp bites you.

Unfortunately, in his total stupidity, Noah forgot to put all the dinosaurs and the dodo in the boat. Which is why they are now extinct.

Did you know that originally Noah was a farmer, not a boat builder. He is also the first man ever to plant a vineyard and to make wine. He made a delicate yet potent wine known as Château Ark de Noah. He drank it and got totally drunk out of his deluded mind. He took all his clothes off and lay naked in his tent airing his personality. 

His son Ham, (what a name), saw Noah naked and he took photos with his cell-phone which he then posted all over Facebook.

If you don't believe me, why don't you read Genesis 9:20-22. It's all there.

Anyway, years later there was another man called Samson. He had long hair which apparently gave him great strength. One day, because he was angry with the Philistines, (who probably did not appreciate his modern trendy hairstyle), Samson caught three hundred foxes. Two by two he tied their tails together and put torches in knots. Then he set fire to the torches and turned the foxes loose in the Philistine cornfields. He burnt not only the corn harvested but also that in the field, and the olive orchards as well. (Judges 15:4-5).



It goes to show how violent people were in them Olden Tymes of the Old Testament. Fights often broke up between men ... and women too. So much do that a man called Deuteronomy had to write a rule book of combats. In it he said, "If two men are having a fight and the wife of one tries to help her husband by grabbing hold of the other man's genitals, show her no mercy ..." (Deuteronomy 25:11).

So remember that ladies next time you feel like grabbing a man's bits.
Another person worth mentioning is a young lad called David. One day, the nation of Israel was called to fight the Philistine army that had gathered for war. A great Philistine giant named Goliath that stood at over nine feet tall came to the front of the Philistine battle line each day for forty days and mocked the Israelites and their God. Goliath called to them to fight but King Saul and the Israelite were scared and did nothing. 

So tiny little David volunteered to take him on. Or was he made to volunteer? Anyway, David took a sling with him and a few stones. He put a stone in the sling and swung it at Goliath's head. The stone hit Goliath and he fell to the ground and David killed him. Had David taken with him his girl-friend's bra instead he would have been able to kill two giants at the same time.

David was not popular with anyone after killing Goliath, because everyone had bet a lot of money that Goliath would win.
There are so many other lovely stories in the Old Testament. Like the one about a man called Moses who did not have a satellite navigation system and took forty years to walk a short distance through the desert.
To his credit though, Moses did try to teach his followers and the rest of us how God would like us to live. But did we listen?
You can read this, and many other stories in the Old Testament. Including the one about a big wall in Jericho which was brought down by people blowing horns. Remember that next time you go to an open air concert!
 


16 comments:

  1. There are some crazy things lurking in the crevices of the Old Testament.

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  2. Best line of the week:

    "All right ... what do I get for a rib?"

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  3. "The Gospel According to Victor" … there's one for the N.Y. Times best seller list!

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    1. I am so happy that you approve of my version, Mevely.

      God bless.

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  4. I'm going to echo Mevely here, Victor re the gospel. Your humorous twists to the stories are fabulous! Thanks once again for the laugh.
    Blessings!

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    1. A number of the bits I wrote are true, Martha. The ones with the Bible references.

      God bless you always.

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  5. Men. Who knew that they were, at times, such big jerks.

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  6. I agree with Myra and also with Joeh! Great line, that!

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    1. I'm glad that line made you smile, Terri.

      God bless always.

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  7. Some strange stories indeed!

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    1. And yet they are mostly true.

      God bless you Bill.

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  8. Thank you for the laugh Victor.😃 I think David was "voluntTOLD"😆 But seriously David is one of my favorites from the Bible.

    I haven't been here lately because I have been trying to read more blogs encouraging me in Biblical womanhood and being a godly wife. I'll still visit here of course but that's just where I am right now.

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    Replies
    1. It is always nice to see you visiting here, Regina, whenever you find the time. We look forward to your visits.

      God bless you always.

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