Archaeology R Us or R U?

Are you interested in archaeology? I wasn't until recently. What I am going to tell you is absolutely true. I know some of you doubt the veracity of my articles, which is a pity, because I had to look up veracity in the dictionary to find out what it means.

A few days ago I took a walk in a woods that dates back to when the Romans invaded Britain in search for haggis as a change from their pasta diet. The mini-forest or woods is supposed to date back to something B.C. It says so on the notice board at the entrance. It says "This wood dates back to something B.C. We cannot be precise as to date because we do not have a Latin calendar."

Anyway, what sparked my interest in archaeology is the fact that apparently archaeologists have found many buried things in this wood dating back to the Roman period. By the way, did you know that archaeologists make the best marriage partners? The older you get the more interested they are in you. And some people these days are right fossils are they not? Well preserved or pickled I should think. Which says a lot in favour of drinking spirits.

So I learnt that in this particular wood near us a Roman centurion many centuries ago tripped on a dead branch and fell face down to the ground. As it happens, in my walk a few days ago in this very wood I too tripped and fell to the ground. Spooky or what? Doesn't it chill your bones when history repeats itself? Can you imagine? Thousand of years after the centurion fell, I too fell in the very same wood.

By the way, my thoughts have gone to a tangent ... seeing that picture above reminded me. I thought our hamster had died. I was in his cage trying to play with his wheel when I noticed that he was not moving. He was there in the corner motionless. He'd been like that for a while. I thought he was dead. So I got off his wheel and went closer to him and noticed he was opening and shutting his eyes. He was signalling SOS in Morse code. So I took him to the vet. Apparently he had swallowed a fridge magnet and had been stuck to the side of the cage for three days.

Anyway ... back to archaeology. I went to the library and borrowed books on the subject. Learnt a lot. Oh ... I meant to tell you. Did you know I taught myself to swim? Could not swim one bit until I borrowed a book on teaching yourself to swim. Encouraged by my new acquired knowledge I went to the swimming pool. Unfortunately the pages of the book got very wet and got stuck together. I nearly drowned!

And another thing ... it's amazing how they use libraries for a lot of other functions these days. They have spare rooms so they hire them out to various groups like reading clubs, knitting clubs or other interests to encourage people to meet. I discovered there's even an archaeology club which meets each week and is addressed by an expert. So I decided to give it a go. Unfortunately I went to the wrong room and when I opened the door there was this woman lying on the floor pointing her backside at me.

She did not flinch one cheek when she saw me. Apparently she was preparing for her yoga class which was due to start shortly. She just kept her plough position as she continued talking to me, and to get me interested in joining the group. I tell you, I was quite interested.

So I decided to join her group instead of archaeology. Have you ever tried yoga? Did you find it relaxing and did it help you? I'll confess, yoga is not for me.

You have to be a contortionist to get into all those positions. And I am totally the wrong body shape being so rotund. My legs and arms became totally entangled and I was more disjointed than ever before. I'll tell you something. Having to get into all those difficult positions and stay there for a while ... the only thing I learnt from that yoga session was how to hold on to a fart for a long period of time.

Back to what I was saying. I got hooked on archaeology. I started learning all about it and ancient people. For example, have you ever heard of Sir Ivor Phind the famous archaeologist and part-time salesman of underwear? He invented elasticated underwear you know. Before then underpants were held in place by a chord tied round the waist. You pull the chord and all is revealed. Which is how they invented the contraption that opens curtains in theatres; but that's another story.

Sir Ivor Phind was archaeologising somewhere in Europe, or was it South America? Probably Asia? Anyway, he was digging up dirt somewhere or other and he discovered the tomb of Toten Ham the III. In the tomb was the mummified body of Toten Ham the IV. It did not contain Toten Ham the III because he refused to be buried there on account that he was not dead yet. So Toten Ham IV died instead to ensure that the tomb was not sold cheaply to the highest bidder.

By the way, why do they say mummified body? Why not pappyfied body? Why always a mummy, a mother rather than a father? I suppose it's the same reason why they say catacomb and not dogacomb.

On the sarcophagus of Toten Ham IV there was a curse written in ancient writings in some ancient language that people no longer speak or understand. Fortunately, Sir Ivor Phind had such a dictionary in his pocket so he could translate what it said on the stone coffin. It read, "BEWARE - No Wifi reception. Whoever opens this coffin will be for ever cursed never to eat a donut."

Since donuts had not yet been invented, sadly Sir Ivor Phind died a very rich and famous man yet never to have enjoyed the delights of a jam donut, or a cream one, or an apple donut, or a chocolate covered donut, or a donut with icing, or other delightful types of donuts.

Sad isn't it?