Hello ... I just called to say ...

Hello aunt Elma ... this is Vic. How are you?

I noticed you phoned me yesterday ... Yes I know ... you did not leave a message but the machine here recorded your telephone number so I knew it was you.

Yes it is clever ... ... ... look auntie, you need not be afraid to leave a message. When you hear the voice on the answering machine, just wait till you hear the tone ... you know ... a long BEEEEP ... then just leave you name. Just say it's aunt Elma and I'll know it's you and I'll phone you back when I get home.

I'm glad you're all OK now about the misunderstanding about the phone machine and the female voice that spoke to you.

Yes we're all OK here ... I've been asked to phone you to see if mom-in-law got to you all right. We knew she was coming over to see you in Glasgow and Mary asked me to phone you. She's taking the kids to school. She'll ring you later ...

It must be great to see your sister again ... yes ... Sonia ... I don't call her Sonia because she prefers me to call her mom ... or mom-in-law ...

Well ... to be honest ... I just called to say that your sister ... Sonia ... well ... she forgot her false teeth behind.

Yes ... her false teeth ... we found the dentures on the dressing table in the dining room. The children were traumatised by it all ... they'd never seen teeth without a mouth around them!

I told them the Tooth Fairy must have dropped them when she came round to collect Eric's tooth which he put under his pillow.  

Yes ... I left him some money under the pillow. I left him £2. He thought the Tooth Fairy would leave him £5 but I said it would probably be £2. He was surprised how I had guessed it correctly.

Yes they believe anything at that age ... He hopes that Father Christmas will get him the latest computer game machine for Christmas. And Helen hopes to get a doll with all the assorted dresses in her wardrobe ...

I know ... toys cost a fortune these days ... not like in our days. We were lucky to get an orange for Christmas or a clip round the ears.

I'll have to tell them that Father Christmas was mugged and their toys were stolen from him. Either that or that he has been arrested for flying well over the speed limit. Anything to avoid me buying those presents ...

No ... no ... aunt Elma ... don't buy them the presents yourself ... no please don't ... well, if you must. Thanks ... how kind of you.

Now about these teeth ... shall I send them to you by post? Mom-in-law must be feeding through a straw I guess ... Difficult to suck lentil broth through straw ... too thick ... the broth of course ...

Yes I'll wait till you speak to her ... ... ...

(Pause)

Hello ... I'm still here ... she doesn't want them? She has another pair?

She has a pair of false teeth for indoors and another pair for outdoors? That's novel.

You mean like sunglasses? A pair of ordinary bifocals for everyday seeing and a pair for seeing outside when sunny!

So she has two pairs of dentures? One for ordinary days and one for meeting important people? Well you should consider yourself honoured aunt Elma you have the good set of teeth. Or are the ones we have here the good ones? Don't ask her ...

I'll be honest auntie ... your sister sometimes makes me wonder. Once when I went to see her at her house she was looking a bit puzzled and could not hear me well ... I noticed she had a suppository in her ear. It was stuck there.

When I pointed it out she wondered where she'd put her hearing aid.

We searched everywhere and I was the one who found it ... it was on the small table next to the TV ... where did you think it was?

No ... not there ... ... ...

Anyway ... goodbye aunt Elma ... Mary will phone you as soon as she's home.