Time for smiles

 

Waiter: “How do you like your steak, sir?”

Me: “Like winning an argument with my wife.”

Waiter: “Rare it is!”

Little Tommy asked the teacher to help him get his shoes on at the end of a busy day. After quite a struggle with the shoes, which were a little tight, his teacher finally got them on.

'They're on the wrong way round, Miss,' mumbled Tommy.

She realises that he is right; they are on the wrong feet. Staying calm she swaps them over for him. 'They're not my shoes, Miss,' Tommy murmurs again.

The teacher fights hard to keep her cool and asks Tommy why he hadn't told her before. She then kneels down again and helps him pull the shoes off.

'These aren't my shoes, they're my brother's and Mum told me not to tell
anyone.'

At this point his teacher can feel tears coming. She helps him back into his shoes. She gets him into his coat and wraps his scarf round his neck.

'Where are your gloves, Tommy?' she asks quietly.

'Oh, Miss, I always put them in my shoes!'

A chicken crossed the road and met James Bond. The chicken said ‘What’s your name?’

‘Bond, James Bond, what’s yours?’ came the reply.

‘Ken, Chick Ken.’

I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA Kit, so I just announced that I had won the Lottery.

I soon found out who all my relatives are.

When someone asks me if I’m seeing anyone, I automatically assume they’re talking about a psychiatrist.

And now some religious humour.