Close encounter of the fishy kind

 

I was standing in the middle of the river, fishing rod in hand, trying to catch a salmon or some other fish. I was wearing those long waterproof rubber fishing trousers that come up to your nipples and are held there by braces. I looked like a lot of old men do when they pull up their trousers so high and hold them there with braces and a belt. Only my trousers were made of some sort of thick rubber as well as my boots to make them waterproof.

Then suddenly, out of nowhere, a crocodile bit me in the leg.

(Note: You're supposed to say, "Oh dear ... how awful. Which one?" to which I reply, "I don't know, crocodiles all look alike!")

Anyway, joking aside, the crocodile did not hurt me. Luckily the rubber trousers were very thick and his teeth did not reach my flesh. The creature had his head twisted to one side, (to enable him to bite my upright leg), and his teeth totally wedged and stuck in the thick rubber trousers. He tried to open his mouth to no avail. He was well and truly stuck there flapping his body like mad and splashing water everywhere. Unfortunately he wet my shirt with all the spalshing and ruined my silk tie.

I slowly struggled and managed to get out of the river dragging the stuck crocodile behind me. I hobbled and ran with him pulling me back and struggling until I reached my hotel. As I got in the receptionist objected shouting I cannot bring a crocodile in the hotel because he was not wearing a tie. I was OK albeit my tie was wet and ruined, but not the crocodile.

I've never heard such ridiculous nonsense, have you? I've heard of restaurants refusing entry if you don't have a tie, but never a hotel.

I ignored the receptionist and ran up the stairs to my room on the seventh floor. I did not take the elevator in case the crocodile broke wind in there and caused me some embarrassment. Breaking wind in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

The crocodile struggled every step all the way to my room. I got in and decided the best way to deal with the situation is to take off my rubber fishing trousers and put on a new pair. 

I lay flat on my back on the bed trying to undo the trousers whilst the crocodile was with me in bed fighting for his life ... or teeth.

As my trousers came off the door opened and the receptionist came in accompanied by the hotel manager.

I was at a loss trying to explain my compromising situation. They were more concerned that I had booked a single room and I had a guest with me ... not wearing a tie.

In the argument that ensued, the crocodile ran out with my rubber trousers not to be seen again.

I got thrown out of the hotel despite wearing a tie at all times.