Even more letters

Whilst tidying up I found even more letters from times gone by. Why I kept these I do not know. They are not signed by me but signed by a friend named Ivor Penn.

Let me explain.

Ivor was a car mechanic and good at his job. But he was not very talented at writing letters. He also had a devoted wife who doted on their two young children, Mary and Joseph. If ever anything went wrong at school she pestered her husband to write to the headmaster. And Ivor came to me to write the letters which he would sign and send. I kept copies in my files for future reference.

One day the headmaster wrote to the Penn's about their daughter Mary. He said that she had been lying in class and that she said that she had a lamb. The teacher did not believe this is possible in a modern lifestyle and asked the headmaster to complain to the parents about their daughter lying.

I replied, (Ivor signed), as follows:

Dear Headmaster,

My daughter Mary does not lie because my wife and I taught her not to. In fact I have never ever lied in my life. Mary is correct in saying that she had a lamb. In fact she has two.

One is a lamb called Cutlet which resides at the local zoo and we sponsored it on her behalf. This is to teach her to care for all animals and to ensure that they come to no harm. It is through the love of animals that young children grow up to love and respect life and to be kind to everyone.

The second lamb Mary has is like in the famous poem. It's fleece was white as snow, and everywhere our Mary goes the lamb is sure to go. He even follows her to school every day between two slices of bread!

Needless to say, the headmaster did not respond.

The second letter is also from the same headmaster and it is about the Penn's son, Joseph.

Apparently the religious instructions teacher, having read from the Bible, asked, "who broke down the wall of Jericho?"

Little Joseph replied, "It was not me, Miss!"

The teacher was so appalled at the level of ignorance that she reported the incident to the Headmaster and he in turn wrote to the Penn's.

I replied, (for Ivor to sign), as follows:

Dear Headmaster,

Here I am writing to you again about the accusation of my children lying. I repeat, they do not lie, as neither do I nor my wonderful wife Mrs Penn.

If Joseph said that he did not break down the wall of Jericho then I can vouch that he is telling the truth. May I ask if there were any witnesses to the accusation against my son?

In any case, no doubt the wall was very old and in need of reparation, as is most of the school. May I suggest that repairs are carried out and that we start a fund amongst parents to pay for said repairs? I would be willing to donate £10 without prejudice or admittance of guilt on my son's behalf.

Surprisingly, the headmaster did reply to this letter.

He said that a fund had been started and £95 already collected. However, they could not locate the wall of Jericho to carry out the repairs. He also confided that the religious instructions teacher had suddenly resigned.

On another occasion the headmaster wrote to Ivor complaining that his daughter, Mary, had said that her father ate her homework. To be honest, this was true. Mary's housekeeping homework was to bake a cake at home under the supervision of her mom. She baked a small cake before going to bed. Later that evening Ivor got home from work and ate the cake with a cup of tea.

I had to write a letter for Ivor to sign confessing that he had done the bad deed and promising not to eat the Maths or Geography homework as they would give him indigestion.

The headmaster did not reply. No sense of humour some teachers!