What do you do in bed?

We cannot go long without sleeping. If you deprive yourself of sleep for up to 18 hours the body would react as if you're drunk. So for a short cut just have yourself a drink or more and then go to sleep.

Scientists have yet to discover why we sleep. Some believe that the body re-generates whilst we're asleep, but this is not proven conclusively. Some people in fact have been known to degenerate whilst in bed but the least said about this the better.

Scientists have proved however that we actually use up energy whilst we're asleep. We in fact use up enough calories equivalent to a small bar of chocolate. So you can have a bar of chocolate for breakfast every morning and you've made up your weight loss.

Also, it is estimated that up to 70% of us have actually eaten at least one spider in our lifetime whilst asleep in bed. Yes ... we sleep with our mouths open and that attracts spiders apparently who attempt to build a web on the mouth opening and fall in. I read this on the web; so it must be true.

Usually when we're asleep we have to wake up in the night to go to the bathroom. No one knows why we do this; because more often than not we do not have a full tank to be emptied anyway. It seems to be just an annoyance to wake us up so that we can annoy our partners by making a noise whilst we go to the bathroom and flush the toilet.

Speaking of which, it is not clear what is the etiquette when you are a visitor in someone's house. Do you flush the toilet in the middle of the night or not? Risking waking up the entire family?

What if it is a Number 2? Do you flush the toilet then or not?

What if your hosts wake up and go to the bathroom and find your deposit there un-flushed? You can hardly deny it is yours? Normally you do not put a tag on it with your name on - or do you? What is the normal thing to do in these circumstances?

Animals and birds need sleep too, you know. Some of them wake up in the night to go to the bathroom too. The bat is so lazy it does it whilst hanging upside down from a tree and then wonders what's in its eye!

Fish go to sleep with their eyes open because they have no eyelids. That's why they get water in their eyes and can't blink it out. Despite having their eyes open all the time they still get caught and put in tins of sardines or made into fish sticks. How stupid can they get?

It is also a well known fact that some people walk in their sleep. Yep ... they get up in the night and walk in their sleep. This can be particularly frightening to your pets if you sleep naked.

A friend of mine even swims in his sleep. He gets up at night and goes out in the garden for a swim. Unfortunately he does not have a swimming pool so he lies on the ground and flaps his arms and legs like a fish out of water. In the morning he wonders why he has mud all over his pyjamas.

When I was young I used to walk the plank. We did not have a dog at the time!

I even know someone who walks in his sleep and goes downstairs and writes himself threatening letters which he then goes out to post in the post box nearby. The next morning he gets upset at receiving the threatening letters.

He went to the police with the letters. They all said the same thing: "If you don't stop sleeping with my wife I'll sort you out good and proper!"

The police told him to stop sleeping with the man's wife. He said, "Can't you see? None of the letters are signed!"

Most of us dream whilst we're asleep. Good dreams ... bad dreams ... not so good dreams.

I remember when in London my neighbour rang me in the middle of the night complaining that my horse was in her garden. I was half-asleep so I apologised.

The next morning I realised that I had no horse. So I went round and told her so. She said it was a nightmare!

As a side line ... I always take my wife morning tea in my pyjamas. Is she grateful? No! She says she'd rather have it in a cup.

I don't always remember my dreams. But once I dreamt I was in a marshmallows factory. The next morning I discovered I had eaten half the pillow.

Some people take their pets with them in bed to sleep. I once took our rabbits to bed with me. By the morning I had a litter of about two dozen hopping all over the place.

It is often suggested that if you can't sleep you should count sheep. I used to do that. But now with all the importance given to Health and Safety I just lie there in bed considering safety risk assessments. Are the sheep safely tucked away in their pens? Has the gate been left open? Are they safe from predators? Have they had their health checks by the vet?

I saw an advert the other day that a memory mattress is the best modern invention to help you sleep well. I bought a memory mattress and now it is trying to blackmail me.

I talked to my psychiatrist about my lack of sleep. He reminded me that he was a psychiatrist, and that his wife was a psychiatrist too. He suggested a group therapy session with him and his wife, with me and mine.

I thought about it. To be honest, I am rather uncomfortable having him and his wife in bed with me and my wife. What kind of therapy is that? And will the bed be big enough?

That will give the memory mattress something to talk about!