Ze Trois Musketeers

NOTE NOTE NOTE NOTE NOTE NOTE NOTE 

Today's blog comes in two parts.

Part One: Yesterday's post was a story about Father Ignatius. As you know, I have written several novels and short stories about this priest. Yesterday, Mevely and Chris suggested that these stories/books would make a good TV series. The reality of life is that I do not know anyone in the USA in the film or TV industries.

Do YOU, dear readers have any contacts or friends who have contacts, or friends of friends ... you get the picture. I have tried in secular UK to get these stories noticed with no success.

Mevely also asked: If the stories were to be filmed. Which actor would be suitable to play Father Ignatius? What do you think?

Now let's get on with Part Two of this post. It is a story which has often featured in the cinema and TV.

*******

Ze Trois Musketeers

 It was a dark and stormy night ...

"Eeet always eeez" said Athos to Porthos and Aramis as they sat in the local tavern in Paris drinking wine.

"Pouquoi eez eet," he continued, "zat all zee stories zey start weez a darke and a stormee night? Why does not Alexandre Dumas, zee author of our illustrious storees saye zat eet was a beautiful day wiz zee sun shining; or a beautiful night wiz zee mooning?"

"Who eez doing zee mooning?" asked Porthos.

"Zat I would like to see," Aramis joined in.

At this point a young lad by the name of d'Artagnan, (which means from Artagnan wherever that is), entered the tavern. He was totally soaking wet from head to toe.

"Eez eet raining outside in zees darke and stormee night?" asked Athos.

"Non ... I fell in zee reever," replied d'Artagnan.

"You must 'ave been in Seine," said Athos.

("This clever joke never ceases to amuse me," said the author of this Blog - i.e. ME!).

"Go and get changed," commanded Porthos, "and zen come and join us in a glass of wine to drink ze health of ze King Louis XIV. Vive le King!"

"Vive le King!" everyone in the tavern said.

"All for ze one and ze one eez for all!" cried out Aramis.

"Yeh ... right!" everyone in the tavern said, "wait until there's a real fight mate, and you'll be all alone!"

By the way, this is King Louis XIV who had furniture named after him. To this day antique dealers say, "this is a Louis XIV chair, or table or whatever!"

You'll forgive me, I hope, if every so often I interject to introduce a little educational snippet or two to educate as well as entertain. Thus being my aim and mission in this soliloquy.

At this point of my writing, the cat came in the computer room and started rubbing himself against my feet wanting a caress. I sent him out of the room saying, "Go away ... this is a monologue; not a catalogue!"

Anyway, let's continue with the story ...

The wet d'Artagnan went upstairs with the young maid, Yvonne Eyeful, the daughter of the landlady, Madame Leggert, to find some old clothes which the young lad could change into.

As he was getting undressed behind a Louis XIV wooden framed screen with silk curtains, (worth about £500 at a good antique dealer), Yvonne Eyeful looked at the young man's reflection in the mirror and laughed.

"What are you laughing at?" asked d'Artagnan covering his assets.

"Oh ... eet eez nothinge," she smiled; amused by little things.

"Eet eez veree cold tonight," said d'Artagnan shivering all over.

At this point two soldiers in the employ of the evil Cardinal Richelieu entered the tavern downstairs. (The tavern had to be downstairs. It wouldn't be up in d'Artagnan's bedroom would it? Just pay attention).

The two soldiers in the employ of Cardinal Richelieu drew their swords and shouted, "On Garde".

"Garde a l'eau!" said the landlady, Madame Leggert as she threw at them the contents of an enamelled Louis XIV chamber pot worth £199 at an antique dealer's.

The pot is worth that money, not the contents. Are you really paying attention to this story? I'm not making it all up as I go along, you know! This is a well researched bit of history written for your edification and delight. 

So ... Madame Leggert said, "Garde a l'eau!"

This is of course before the French had invented the bidet. 

The bidet appears to have been an invention of French furniture makers in the late 17th century, although no exact date or inventor is known.

But before the invention of the bidet, in  Olden Days, the French, (and the English), had chamber pots in the house before the modern toilet seat was invented. The servants used to empty the pots out of the windows into the street below. 

They shouted first "garde a l’eau!" which means watch out for the water! And that's how showers were invented. In time the phrase travelled to England, (in a pot), and we too started showering each other. That's were the term "loo" for toilet comes from.

You see ... education as well as entertainment in this Blog. Make sure you visit here frequently, and invite your friends too!

That's education, entertainment and advertising thrown in too.

Let's continue.

The landlady said, "garde a l'eau!" and emptied the contents of the chamber pot on the two soldiers. Meanwhile all the people in the tavern, sensing a fight is about to break out, and remembering the moto "all for one and one for all!" got up from their tables and ran out of the tavern.

Leaving only the three musketeers and the landlady there.

"This is insane!" said the two soldiers wet and dirty from head to toe.

"We've already used that joke!" said Aramis.

"No seriously," said one of the soldiers, "it is stupidly insane to throw all this stuff at us."

"Ab turd!" added the other soldier who had a bit of a lisp, giving me an opportunity to make a joke at the expense of his speech impediment.

At this point a long nose entered the tavern through the half-opened door.

"I smell the depth of depravity and wantonness!" said a voice following the nose.

Ten minutes later Cyrano de Bergerac enters the tavern.

He was a soldier with a particularly long nose which always arrived some minutes before him. He had won many a duel because his opponents could not get close enough to him to fight him. Whilst they marvelled at his swordsmanship, waving his epée left and right, he would hit them on the head with his nose and knock them out.

His nose was so big he could smell round corners.

His nose was so big that it was used by tailors to measure cloth. 

His nose was so big he'd point at you and catch your eye.

His nose was so big that when he lies down on his stomach for a massage the bed is at a slant.

His nose was so big that it made the flowers wilt.

His nose was so big that it made an elephant jealous.

His nose was so big that he'd inhale the whole snuff box.

His nose was so big his pullover shirts had stretch marks.

His nose was so big the grindstone was worn out.

His nose was so big he could smoke a cigar in the shower.

His nose was so big it made Jimmy Durante jealous.

He was so poor he could not even pay attention!

Hold on ... this last joke is out of place here. Please forget you've heard it and I'll use it in another Blog post.

To continue ... when Cyrano de Bergerac eventually entered the tavern Athos said to him, "were you born with this nose, or did you pick it yourself?"

"Enough with the nose jokes, already!" said Porthos, "let us be civilised. We have here a soldier in the employ of Cardinal Richelieu and we should show him some respect!"

"That's easy for you to say," retorted D'Artagnan coming down the stairs, "you don't have a big nose like his".

And at this point, I realised that I had run out of things to say about the story of the three musketeers and D'Artagnan, Cyrano, Richelieu and of course King Louis XIV.

En guarde !!!