Father Ignatius was
often faced with very difficult situations where his advice, however
well-meant, would mean more pain and distress to the individual who came to him
for help. It was a very thin line he had to tread as a priest between giving
practical friendly advice and yet keeping within the strict rules of the Church
and, more important, obeying God’s Word.
One day Mr Clements
had come to see him for advice. He and his wife were regulars at Saint Vincent
Church and even helped on the church committee when needed. But then, one day
some six months ago, Mrs Clements was hit by a car and left in a coma in
hospital. The accident devastated the whole family, especially Mr Clements who
loved his wife very much. He nearly suffered a mental breakdown as a result and
was nursed back to health by his two daughters; both married and with families
of their own.
Eventually, slowly day
by day, he regained his health and visited his wife in hospital on a daily
basis. He sat by her bedside and just talked to her about this and that. No one
knew whether she could hear him in her coma; but yet he sat there and told her
what he had planted in the garden, how their daughters and grandchildren were
doing in life, what was happening in life in general, and especially about her
favourite soap opera which she had listened to on the radio.
Daily for the past six
months since the accident he visited his dear wife in hospital and sat there
sometimes for the whole day. The nursing staff knew him as a regular and dispensed
with the official visiting schedules and left him by his wife’s bedside for as
long as he wished. Sometimes he’d spend the whole night there asleep on a
chair, however uncomfortable it was.
One Sunday morning,
after Mass, he asked Father Ignatius if they could talk in private.
The two men went to
Father Ignatius’ office and the priest asked how Mrs Clements was and whether
there had been any improvements in her condition. Painfully, Mr Clements
explained that she just laid there in bed, often with breathing apparatus
connected to her, and not responding to any stimulus.
After a few moments of
general discussion Mr Clements said, “Father, I need your advice about
something …”
The priest nodded
gently to encourage him to speak. The elderly man continued, “as you know, for
a while now my wife has been in a coma. Technically, and medically, she is
still alive … but to me I feel as if she is dead. I visit her every day, and I
pray and pray to God to bring her back to me, but nothing seems to happen. There
has not been any progress since her car accident.”
He stopped and sipped
some tea to ease his dry throat. “The doctors and nurses have been very kind to
me. Friends and neighbours too, especially when I was not well myself!”
The priest nodded
gently and said nothing.
“One nurse in
particular has been very kind,” the man said, “often when I was there for the
whole day in hospital she would bring me a cup of tea.
“We got to know each
other over time … she is my age and a widow. She told me how she felt when her
husband died suddenly of a heart attack. The thing is … Father … we became
close friends over time. Often … on and off … she spent the night at home with
me. It is so lonely being alone at home. Especially at night … that’s when I
miss my wife most. This nurse said she feels the same about her husband since
he died.
“Am I doing wrong
Father?”
Father Ignatius knew
that he had to be very sympathetic and loving towards this man in his dire
situation. There was no point to preach to him and tell him what is right and
what is wrong. When a man is starving you give him food, not read the Bible to
him.
“I believe Jesus is
suffering with you about what happened to your wife Josie and how it devastated
your whole life …” he said.
“I feel as if I am
cheating on her,” interrupted Mr Clements, “after all she is still alive and
she is my wife. But to me … she is dead if you see what I mean, Father. My
friendship with this nurse … Rita … was not intentional. It just happened. We
were two lost souls both suffering the same loneliness and despair and then
somehow … fate brought us together.
“I know I may be doing
wrong in the eyes of God … Rita and I have so much in common. She is Christian
but not Catholic. My daughters … our daughters … know of my relationship with
Rita and they approve. They said that this is what my dear Josie would have
wanted. They understand that she is as if she is dead.
“But I don’t know what
to do, or whether God disapproves of my behaviour.”
“How do you think
Rita, your friend, would feel if you suddenly broke up your relationship?”
asked Father Ignatius gently.
“She’d be devastated,”
replied the old man, “I’m sure of it. She said she has never known so much
happiness since her husband died three years ago. I have not told her how I feel
guilty about being with her, so she has no idea. I only discussed it with my
daughters and now you. As I said, my daughters think I am silly and I should
not worry. What do you think, Father? What would God want me to do?”
“Far be it for me to
tell you what God wants you to do,” replied the priest still in his gentle
voice, “there has been too much hurt in this situation already. The tremendous
hurt to you and your daughters and family when the accident happened, as well
of course at what your Josie has herself suffered. There is also the hurt that
Rita suffered, and is suffering, since her husband died.
“I believe that God
shares in this suffering. When Christ suffered and hung dying on the Cross God
shared in that suffering also. There on the Cross was His only beloved Son dying at the
hands of a cruel humanity.
“God allows suffering
to happen. He does not make it happen, but He allows it as part of the freedom
He has given us to act as we wish. It was not God who caused the accident which injured your wife so badly. It was the drunken driver. Of course, people would say that God should have intervened and stopped it from happening; but to do so would mean taking away the liberty of that individual to get drunk and drive. Once God has given us freedom to act as we want, He cannot take it back.
“But God is also
loving and merciful. Sometimes, I believe often, good happens amongst all the
evil and suffering that He allows to happen.
“It was through
Christ’s suffering and death that we were redeemed and we found our way back to
God.
“It is through what
happened to Josie that you and Rita found each other. It would not have
happened otherwise. And you would never have cheated on your wife had the
accident not happened would you?”
“Of course not,”
replied Mr Clements emphatically and raising his voice a little at the
accusation, “I loved her … I still love her very much!”
“Yes, I know you love
her,” continued the priest not reacting to the man’s outburst, “the point I am
making is that through Josie’s tragic accident you and Rita met each other.
“I doubt that God
would wish more heartache to be caused by you and Rita breaking up for no other
reason than your feeling guilty!”
Mr Clements hesitated.
“What … what are you saying? Does God forgive me for being with Rita?”
“I am saying that you
and Rita need to have a long and serious grown-up discussion,” said the priest,
“many relationships break down because of lack of communication and
understanding.
“Tell her how you
feel. Tell her you are very fond of her and that you wish to remain with her.
Tell her what she means to you and how she changed your life since the
accident. But discuss honestly what your conscience is telling you even though
you might be confused as to what to do.
“Discuss with her what
would happen if at some time Josie regains consciousness and is nursed back to
good health. You said a moment ago you still love your wife dearly. What then?
Would you leave your wife for Rita? Or what?”
“I … I … I never
thought of that …” he mumbled to himself.
“You said that Rita is
a Christian,” continued the priest as Mr Clements nodded, “then I suggest the
two of you pray about this. God understands that two people in terrible
situations found each other and fell in love. God is love, and He would not
frown against your love of Rita. But at the same time God also loves Josie and
what she has gone through and is still going through. We have to consider her
situation in all this.
“As a priest, I cannot
pronounce one way or the other as to what you should do. It would be wrong for
me to do so. I understand that you consider Josie as dead and that leaving Rita
would cause more hurt all round.
“It is not for me to
decide for you what God wants you to do. But I shall pray for you and your
family as well as for Rita.”
Mr Clements did not
receive any definitive advice from Father Ignatius; but then it was probably
too much to expect in such a difficult situation. The priest had to act
sympathetically knowing full well that the Church’s position as set in the
Bible is well understood by all concerned.
Two months later,
whilst Mr Clements and Rita were in London for the weekend, Josie his wife died
peacefully in her sleep.
(Based on a true
story).
