Dietician Ahoy!

 

I went to see my dietician today. The poor woman was starving. I took her a hamburger bun, some French fries and a chocolate milkshake which she devoured in an instant. She was still hungry so I found an old KFC leg in my trouser pocket which I gave her also.

She was half-way through a wrestling match with her husband which she partakes as exercise to lose weight. She sat on his submission and then brought out my file to read.

She said I could lose a little weight; so I took my coat off and she weighed me again. She was satisfied with my quick progress.

She then asked me what I eat. I said I have at least 5 fruits and vegetables a day. She warmed me about fruit because it contains sugar. "All fruit contains sugar!" she said. What a discovery. I went through life not knowing that. She advised me not to eat too much fruit.

Or potatoes, or pasta, or rice. "Carbohydrates!" she said. I nodded knowingly.

"Beware of too much protein!" she warned. So most meats are also to be avoided if possible.

"Do you take exercise?" she asked, "like wrestling?" I looked at her poor husband and said, "No!"

"You need to do something everyday that will keep you slightly out of breath!" she advised. I thought at what that could be and asked her, "Can I take up smoking?" She banned that also.

She also told me to stop drinking alcohol; it 's bad for us and it turns to sugar apparently.

And also chocolates, sweets, cakes, cookies, biscuits and candy. All contain sugar it seems.

I was running out of options as to what to eat and drink. 

"Do you eat enough fibre?" she asked. "Yes," I replied, "I eat bits of worn out carpets and old knitted garments!" She wrote that down.

"How about something more solid?" she asked. "Sometimes, I chew on a table leg," I said. She wrote that down also.

Then she asked me a very personal question, "Do you have trouble passing water?" 

"Yes, sometimes I get dizzy walking on a bridge across a river!" I explained. 

She followed with a more personal question, "How's your libido?"

"I sold that Italian car, I now have a Toyota!" I replied. 

When I got home, I thought about it and asked my wife what libido means. She would not tell me.