At the psychiatrist

 

I went to see the psychiatrist today. He had phoned me earlier on in the day saying he was not feeling well; so I thought I'd pay him a visit. When I got there he was already laying on the couch waiting for me. I sat beside him with a notebook and pen.

He said life was getting too much for him because people kept coming to him with their problems. No one was interested in him and his problems. So I said, "I'm listening!"

He told me that that very morning he was visited by a moth. As big as a human being it was. Can you imagine that? A moth as big as a human being? What was more surprising is that the moth spoke to him. She said, "I have a toothache doctor, can you help me?"

He replied, "This is the third time I told you I am not a dentist; I'm a psychiatrist. Why do you keep coming here?"

And she said, "Because the lights are on!"

He then told me that he keeps having a recurring dream where he is at a football match in the jungle and the elephants are playing the giraffes. Every night it's the same dream. Sometimes the elephants win and sometimes the giraffes; and a rhino is the referee. 

I suggested he takes some sleeping pills to sleep deeper and better. He said, "Not tonight; it's the Grand Final!"

He then told me that since he was a child he has been afraid of monsters hiding under his bed. He checks every night before going to sleep. I suggested he cuts the legs off the bed; but he was afraid this might squash the monsters.

I asked him if anything traumatic had ever happened in his life which triggered such dreams. He said he used to be a kleptomaniac but he took something for it. This made him a little paranoid and he thought he was always being followed. So he went to his local library and asked the librarian, "Have you got a book on paranoia?"

She said, "It's behind you!" and nearly gave him a heart attack.

As we were talking a penguin came in the room, he said, "Hello!" and sat in the corner. I thought was seeing things; I could not believe my eyes or my ears. 

"Did you see what came in?" I whispered to the psychiatrist. He replied, "It's either a large penguin or a small nun!"

So I gave her a few frozen fish sticks I had in my pocket and ran out of the psychiatrist's room.

He then e-mailed me an invoice for $100.00 for his consultation.