The truth about ghosts

 

Did you know that ghosts have never been seen in upstairs floors, or apartments or penthouse suites? This is because being spirits, ghosts can walk through walls; and by the same principle they also fall through the floor to the lowest place in a building. So a ghost in a penthouse apartment would fall all the way down to the ground floor. 

Did you also know that ghosts can talk in the language of the country where they appear? So, whilst the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future spoke in English because the story Christmas Carol was written in English; you will find that if you are abroad ghosts would speak in French, Italian, German or whatever. Very confusing if you don't know what they're saying.

Ghosts are not always human shapes of humans who have died. You can have ghosts of any animals appearing in the most unlikely places. Once in an exotic restaurant I mistakenly ordered chicken. It turned out that they had served me a parrot. It's ghost kept repeating on me all the way home.

Once when on a cruise ship I actually saw a ghost.  He was about six foot tall with a big red bushy beard, and an eye patch on his left eye. He had a wooden leg, a hook for a hand and a sword on his belt. I believe he was a vegetarian ghost pirate because he had a carrot perched on his shoulder. I asked him about the patch on his eye. He said he once tried to enter a room through the keyhole and someone put in a key at the time.

On another occasion in Paris I saw a ghost in an old auberge where I was staying. He spoke to me in French and broken English. He was wearing an old style type costume, a bit like the three musketeers or something from that era. He then explained about ghosts walking through walls and said, "I used to enter ze rooms by sliding under ze doors, you know. But I stopped doing zat. One day, I slid under ze door and zere was a woman cleaning ze room on ze other side and she sucked me into her vacuum cleaner! But not any more, Monsieur. Now I travel ze conventional ghostly way by walking through ze solid walls!"

At this point a clock somewhere struck 10:35pm. "Oh ... I must go to my wife Suzette," he said. "Madame Penoir, my wife, she gets veree upset when I am late! I usually tell her ze stories zat I am haunting tourists in old auberges; but she is not believing me. She says she can see right through me!"

And with zese words, sorry ... these words, he jumped out of the window and landed in the river below. I think he was in Seine!

My last ghost encounter was at an old castle in Scotland. During the night, whilst I was in bed I heard  a sound in the room. There by my bedside was a tall ghostly figure of a woman standing still. She looked a lot like Gloria Gaynor standing there silently. 

At first I was afraid ... then I was petrified! And now I am imagining the look on your faces reading this!