Friday 16 September 2011

Suicidal Me

I work in an old Victorian house three floors high. My office is in the attic.

It was hot and I had left the window open when I heard the noise of fluttering wings and saw a few feathers floating by.

I looked out and saw a pigeon hanging upside down on the edge of the roof. It had somehow gathered some twine on one of its legs and as it flew here and there with the string attached, it eventually got caught on the rainwater gutters of our building. So here it was hanging upside down by its leg on the edge of our building fluttering madly to free itself.

What do I do? Ignore it and let it die a slow death? Hit it on the head with my cricket bat which I bring to work on match days and put it out of its misery? Or phone the Animal Protection people and let them deal with it?

The more I thought about it the more the poor creature fluttered away desperately to set itself free.

In sheer desperation I did a desperate thing.

I opened the window wider and stepped out on the ledge. It’s wide enough for me to walk on slowly if I lean gently against the tilting roof. It seems solid enough despite the age of the building. And if I’m careful … very careful … I can ease myself slowly near the bird and then, if I bend down a little, I can untangle the string from the gutters.

Great plan! Badly thought out and executed.

As I neared the bird it fluttered even more widely than before and somehow freed itself from the string as it flew away without a word of thanks.

It was then that things got worse. I could not move back towards the window.

No … No … It was not panic … or fear of heights … or anything like that.

It was much worse. My trousers got caught in some loose nails on the roof. It was where you have those loops through which you thread your belt … I think.

Anyway … I was caught … or nailed to the roof by the seat of my pants. I couldn’t move backwards or forwards.

Dash it all … why do people gather in the street at a moment’s notice? Have they got nothing better to do?

I hear my boss talking to me gently through the open window?

“Come back in … I’m sure we can discuss matters like grown ups. Perhaps you need a few days holiday?”

Why do people jump to conclusions whenever someone stands on a ledge? Why can’t they believe my story about the pigeon? Where is that stupid bird? Why is he not here confirming my story?

Miss Frome, the beautiful young Company nurse leans well forwards out of the window and soothingly tries to calm me down. Her décolleté revealing top confuses my troubled mind even more than it is.

Do I look away modestly and lead her to believe I’m not listening? Or do I look her in the eyes … if I can … and explain my predicament.

“Look at me …” she says calmly, “we all care for you … this is a caring employer as you know … despite all the job losses of late …”

I turn back at her but don't know where to look ... I can’t speak as I stand there open-mouthed.

“Ehmmm …” but my voice fails me as no sound comes out.

She continues to calm me down by reciting platitudes about how good our employer is until eventually the fire brigade arrive and release me from the nails which held me captive by the pants.

I don’t know what’s more embarrassing. The story about the pigeon or leaving half my trousers back on the roof!

Had I fallen to my death leaving my trousers behind how would I have answered St Peter when he asked “And where are your slacks young man?”


  1. Victor,
    Very funny :) Well, I think you were just trying to get a few extra vacation days! Did it work?

    You could have used the Cricket bat and brought the pigeon to your favorite restaurant (you know, the one that cooks road kill for people?) Don't you like road chicken? (With a nice glass of white wine, perhaps? :)

  2. I never thought of asking for the extra days' holiday, Mary.

    Pigeon pie would certainly have been nice.

    God bless.

  3. Victor,
    Are you saying this really happened? Or are you teasing?

    Is there such a thing as pigeon pie? :) Yes, I'm curious.

  4. Yes Mary, it's true ... there is such a thing as pigeon pie.

    Can be a bit expensive if you buy the pigeons from a supermarket ... cheaper if you shoot them yourself.

    Follow these links for more:

    The second recipe is an Olde English Medieval one. It says preparation time 10 minutes - that's because he bought pigeon breasts rather than a whole pigeon.

    See also how to cook shot pigeon recipe here:

    See ... I'm as truthful as I can be ... sometimes!

    God bless.

  5. Hi Victor,

    You do get yourself into some sticky situations.

    I've never had pigeon pie but once I cooked quail. It was supposed to be a gourmet meal for our anniversary. We had two quail each and still couldn't find much to eat. That was the end of gourmet cooking.

    Back to pigeon pie. I don't think it's very popular these days but there are recipes online if Mary wants to try cooking one. She'll have to catch her pigeon first...

  6. Hello Sue,

    I've never tried quail, or quail eggs. Although I've found them in the supermarket ... and rabbit too. We used to have rabbit quite a lot; but again not much to eat ... it's mostly bones.

    God bless.

  7. Oh my gosh! I didn't realize people really ate pigeon, I thought they fed them because they were cute, not to fatten them up! When I went to the first link I noticed that nobody rated the dish yet :) Not very popular I guess. I'll pass on testing the recipes myself I think. Besides, Sue's right - I would have to catch one first ;) Plus, I won't eat anything that leaves presents on my car.

  8. Funny! One of the sites has a recipe for "Pigeon Kabobs"!

  9. I laughed so hard at the dilemma about the lady with the lowcut blouse. Victor, you are hilarious. And incorrigible. Don't know which is more incredible: that such a crazy thing would happen to you, or that you could dream up such a story.

    Either way, delightful story.

  10. Hello Mary, Colleen and Sarah,

    I'm so pleased that you enjoyed my little adventure. I'm still fuming that the pigeon did not return and confirm my story to my boss. He still looks at me suspiciously and asks: "Seen any good pigeons lately?"

    God bless.

  11. Victor, you will never live this down. :) :) :)

  12. Hello Barbara,

    I suppose not ... why does everything happen to me.

    God bless.



God bless you.