Things you wished you knew and now regret knowing

 

A woman stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"  

"Yes, ma'am?"  

"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"  

"What was wrong with it?"   

"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"  

The librarian nodded and said, "Ah. So you must be the person who took our phone book."

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The Sunday School teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," he replied, "We don't have to. My Mom is a good cook!"   

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An 8 year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"    

The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." 

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?"   

The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

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A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store.

As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the post office is?"   

The little boy replied, "Sure, just go straight down the street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."  

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town, and I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."  

The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on; you don't even know the way to the post office!"

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Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, "Take only one, God is watching." 

Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A boy wrote a note, "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."

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Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"   

"Because white is the colour of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.   

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?

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You know you're getting old when...... you start each morning with snap, crackle, pop, and then you have breakfast.

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One day John asks his friend Arty to borrow a Dollar.

Of course, Arty obliged and lent his friend the money without a second thought. 

A few weeks had passed by and every time Arty asked John if he could have his Dollar back he would reply "no worries mate, I'll have it next time I see you."

This went on for some time until one day Arty passed John at the local Supermarket store and thinks to himself for sure he'll have that Dollar on him now he's at the supermarket.

So, he says "John mate you got that Dollar on you?" 

To which John once again replies that he'd have it the next time.

Fed up with John, Arty leapt forward and grabbed John around the throat with both hands strangling the life out of him. 

Another shopper going about his business tried to intervene but Arty jumped up and strangled him too.

The next day the headlines read: Arty chokes two for a Dollar at the Supermarket!

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They say you can’t get a decent job without education.

But look at Albert Einstein – he was a school drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the moon!

The difficult questions

 

Every so often I like to ask myself some difficult questions. Then I answer them to myself. Then I think about my answers and wonder if I answered them correctly.

OK ... do you want to play? Let's share these questions that come to mind every now and then.

If you were to die today are you sure, 100%, that you will go to Heaven?

Why? Why are you sure, or not sure?

If you are sure you'll get to Heaven what makes you so certain? Don't come up with stock phrases like because God loves me, Jesus died for me, because I am a good Christian and so on. If God asks you, and He might, "Why do you want to come into Heaven?" what will you tell Him? No fibbing now; He knows what's on your mind, "Why do you want to come into Heaven?"

Difficult questions don't you think? Why do we want to go to Heaven? Is it because we're afraid of the other place? Saying that "we love God and Jesus" are superfluous meaningless answers. 

Is loving God and Jesus in itself enough to get us into Heaven?

Or should we do something else? How can we be good Christians? Is it by what we do? By good works?

Let's face it. There is nothing we can do that God needs from us. He will not be found wanting or lacking in any way if we do not do certain things. He is omnipotent, has always been in existence as a spirit, and all knowing Creator. He does not need anything from us. No amount of prayers, lit candles, flowers, good works or anything else will make Him greater, better, richer, happier than what He already is. He does not need us in that sense of us giving Him something in order to enter Heaven. 

Good works will not earn us brownie points and a star to get us in Heaven. But ... and this bit is important ...  if we are to live like Christ and to follow His example then we will do good works. Just like He did. Every time He met someone in need He stopped and treated that individual as an important person and spent time with him and responded to his needs.

Can we honestly say we do the same every time? Every time? How about that person you met the other day and did nothing to help?

See the subtle difference? Good works will not make us enter Heaven; but if we are to copy Christ's examples we will do good works. That's what will differentiate us between the sheep and the goats when Christ judges us.

And of course we need Faith. We need to believe because we believe in honest (best we can manage) Faith; not because we're afraid of going to the other place.  

Heaven is open for everyone. But no one goes to Heaven against their will. No one is forced there.

As for the other place, God does not send people there. They choose to go there by their behaviour, attitude, stubbornness, defiance and enmity of God.     

So there you have it. Difficult questions. Why should I be the only one struggling with them? Help me out with some answers because I think being a Christian is very difficult. 

Do you find being a Christian easy going?

God needs your help

 

OK folks ... I've entitled this post "God needs your help." Surely that is wrong, blasphemous even, I hear you say. How can God need our help ... yours and mine? He is omnipotent and does not need us.

Let me explain. In Olden Times, at the times of the Old Testament, God spoke to His people through the prophets and the elders of the people. Individuals like Moses, Isaiah, Jeremiah, Noah, Jonah and many others. God spoke to them and they taught the people of Israel what they should do. The Ten Commandments were given to the people through Moses. The writings of the Old Testament, and the 300 or so prophesies therein about the birth, life, death and resurrection of Jesus, were given to the many writers by God through the Holy Spirit Who inspired them what to write.

Even today, God speaks to people through the Holy Spirit if we are willing and ready to listen.

So ... what has that to do with me? I hear you say.

Well, you are all good people. I can tell that by visiting your Blogs and reading what you write there. Often I leave a message there, and at times when I have visited many websites I just don't have the time to comment. I leave without saying a word. 

We never know who visits our Blogs without commenting. I check the statistics of my Blog regularly and there are many more passing visitors than people who comment. About 70% of my daily readers are first time  visitors; which is a good thing because I am spreading the net further day by day. I would guess it's the same with your Blogs. You have many more visitors than those who comment.

And that's where you come in ... where you can help God. The world is in a bad state now; perhaps more so than ever before. There's bad news everywhere and the Internet is full of negativity and darkness.

A post every now and then by you about God and Jesus would be like a beacon shining in a dark World Wide Web. 

You don't have to be a theologian, a learned person with many University Degrees, or a pastor, preacher or whatever. Just be yourself. A precious child of God who has been gifted with the courage to spread His Word to a Faith hungry world. 

Every now and then let us say a few words about God and what He has done for us. It may be something we have read or discussed at Bible Study sessions, or a sermon we heard recently, or an event we attended at a church; whatever God has placed in our hearts let us tell the world about it.

The world is full of half-truths and gossip right now. Let us not spread gossip, but spread the Gospel instead.

By whatever we write, who knows, perhaps one person somewhere may be encouraged to learn more about God. What a privilege for us to have been a channel for one individual to be saved.

Why do I believe?

 

Father Ignatius' parishioners were generally pious people trying their best in life for themselves and their families. It would be fair to say that they knew the "basics" of their Christianity, having been brought up as Catholics and attended the local Catholic schools, and that they rarely engaged in deep religious conversations; preferring to rely on the guidance of their priests whenever necessary.

Every now and then, however, the priest encountered someone who got in deep philosophical or theological discussion without meaning to. 

Margaret was such a case in question. She was a young, bubbly, always happy young student attending the local University. Father Ignatius visited there once a month, on a rota with other vicars from other denominations, to meet the students and to offer help or guidance when needed. One day, she walked into his room and asked politely if she could have a word. Father Ignatius recognised her from Sunday Mass and welcomed her with a cup of coffee and biscuits.

"Father," she hesitated, "you've known me for many years and I received First Communion and Confirmation at Saint Vincent Church."

He nodded and smiled, but said nothing.

"The thing is ..." she continued, "... this is confusing. The thing is, I don't know why I believe. You see, I believe in God, Jesus His Son, and all I've been taught about our faith. I believe all that. But then I ask myself, why do I believe all this? Do I believe it because it is my belief ... if you see what I mean. I believe it to be so. Or do I believe all that because I am afraid of the consequences if I do not believe?"

She stopped suddenly as if embarrassed by what she had said. He waited a moment or two. He was about to speak when she started again, almost repeating herself.

"Why do people believe in God?" she asked, "Is it because they believe, they know God exists? Or is it because they're afraid at what would happen to them if they don't believe?"

"That's a very deep and intelligent question," he replied calmly reassuring her.

She smiled. Inwardly relieved that she had not made a fool of herself.

"Let's take this one step at a time," the priest continued, "you did not choose God. God chose you. He knew you before you were born. He guided you throughout life, when and where you were born, your up-bringing, education and so on, and at some point in your life He tapped you on the shoulder and you came to believe. For some people this is a gradual process, for others it is sudden after an event. You came to believe.

"At some point in your life you knew God exists, and Jesus is His Saviour Son. Now ... some people keep this faith throughout life, and reinforce it in time, and others drift away and lose their faith altogether. I think everyone gets the opportunity to know God in their lives; and people respond differently. Some choose not to believe at all.

"In your case, as happens to many people ... you're not alone in this, Margaret, you are doubting your very motivation to believe. You're asking whether you believe out of fear."

He stopped to judge her reaction, and she nodded. He continued, "sometimes, perhaps more often than not, such fears, such doubts, are put in our minds by the devil to confuse us and derail us away from God. The closer to God we are the harder the devil works to tempt us away.

"Of course, it is right and proper to fear the consequences of not believing in God. But there's an important distinction here. We should not fear that the consequences are that we'll go to hell ... and hell exists for sure. We should fear that by not believing we are in fact hurting God. We are rejecting His love, His creation of us and the whole universe, the sacrifice of His only Son on the Cross. That's our real fear ... the fear of hurting God, not His eventual punishment.

"God does not punish us by sending us to hell. We choose to go there by our behaviour and by not believing. His wish is that we all join Him in Paradise. His offer is open to all of us, but we should RSVP His offer. No one goes to Heaven against their wish.

"Do you remember the parable of the King who invited guests to his son's wedding?"

She nodded again and said nothing.

"The King is meant to be God, and His Son getting married is Jesus; marrying His Church here on earth - this means everyone, you and I included. We are all invited to God's Kingdom, but many don't answer the call. It seems to me that you have. You're doing well, and this is upsetting the devil!"

She smiled and said, "Thank you, Father."

"Do you pray, Margaret?" he asked gently.

"Yes Father, every now and then ..."

He smiled and said, "when you pray, ask God to help you when you have such thoughts, and thank Him for all He has done for you and is doing for you now and in the future. By all means ask Him for anything you need in life; like a child asks his parents. But don't pray to change God's will, rather pray that He might change you into a better person.

"You'd be surprised how many people want to serve God in an advisory capacity!" he concluded with a smile.

She left with a great weight taken off her shoulders; whilst he prayed for her silently.

Advice

Omphaloskepsis

 Do you like giving advice to people? What kind of advice? Personal, medical, financial or what? 

Do you give advice when asked or when you think it's appropriate even when not asked for? When you see something you consider is wrong or needs correcting, do you seethe in silence or do you give advice to put the person on the right track? (Kindly of course.)

Do you ask for advice? What kind? Personal, medical or financial, or other? 

Would you discuss a medical matter with a friend first or a doctor straight-away?

Do you like receiving advice from people? When asked for?

How about advice you have not asked for?

My grand-father advised me years ago never to take advice from anyone. So I ignored his advice. Is that agreeing with him or not? Think about it.

Here's some free advice from me. If you go for a job interview, or meet an important person for the first time, balance a banana on you head. It will distract them and they'll perhaps talk about it. It would be a good ice-breaker to start a conversation. Either way you will certainly be remembered.

Do you give God advice? 

When praying do you tell Him what to do? Please help so and so, heal so and so, get me a good job, a promotion ... ... ...   

You'd be surprised how many people want to serve God in an advisory capacity.

Are you one of them? Sure?

OK ... do you take God's advice? How many bits of advice from God or Jesus can you remember and quote below?

Try a few ... ... ...

Repetitive Me

 

Someone suggested the other day that my Christian books are repetitive. They talk about God, Jesus, The Holy Spirit and the Trinity and other things like sin, forgiveness and all that ...

Well ... in a way my books might be repetitive, but that is because the message is the same. God is the same as He always was, is and will be. Jesus is His only Son and together with the Holy Spirit they form the Holy Trinity. The Christian message of love and forgiveness is the same and should always be the same. 

Jesus said: “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” John 13:34-35

He didn't say, "Love one another depending on the fashion of the day, or who it is you want to love!"

The message that there is one living Creator God is the same. It doesn't change with trends and fashions and what is considered these days as "enlightened" thinking. There are many these days who would want us to believe in other deities like power, influence, riches, celebrity, fame and happiness.

Basically, my Christian books divide into three categories. The devotional or educational ones where we discuss Christian issues that may have crossed our minds from time to time: Like does God really love us? Can we trust Him? Why does He allow bad things and suffering? 

And stand-alone novels and short stories collections, featuring the fictitious character of Father Ignatius, and tackling similar issues and questions as raised above.

I don't expect anyone to buy all of my books, but perhaps someone somewhere may buy one book of whichever style they like, devotional, novels, or short stories, and therein perhaps find the message which they were looking for and may lead them to search further for a personal relationship with God.

CLICK HERE PLEASE

Now look here ...

 

Years ago, I knew a Member of Parliament who often started a discussion, or to make a point, by saying, "Now look here ... ... ..."

He did not mean it in a patronising or demeaning way, to put you down or in your place. He was just making a point. A bit like today people who start by saying, "The thing is ... ... ..."

So I'll borrow his phrase and start with:

Now look here ... There isn't one person in the civilised free world that has not heard of God or Jesus. Everyone has heard of Jesus. Every generation since the Old Testament has had an opportunity to hear about God and Jesus.

But many do not believe.

I was thinking about that the other day. These people are not non-believers because of ignorance. Because somehow they've never heard of God. They have made the conscious decision not to believe.

At some point in their lives they heard about God, and His Son, Jesus, and either dismissed the whole "thing" as irrelevant to their lives, or consciously and deliberately decided not to believe. To them, God and Christianity are either nonsense or a human invention of some sort, a fairy tale without substance.

When a comedian on TV makes fun of Christianity, sometimes bordering on the blasphemous, he not only has decided that God does not exist, but is confident enough to ridicule the very notion and mocks those people who believe and practice their Faith. He has consciously decided to openly joke about belief in God and Jesus. He cannot in any way have the slightest doubt, or possibility of one chance in a million millions, that he might be wrong. To his mind, he is as sure as sure can be, that God does not exist. And, whether deliberately or not, his public utterances are influencing vulnerable young minds who are yet struggling about their beliefs.

He won't be able to say, "Oops ... I'm sorry ... I didn't mean it!" when he meets his Maker.

He reminds me of the Pharisees, Sadducees and scribes in the Bible. They were learned men. They studied the scriptures and the writings of the Prophets of the Old Testament. They knew, and probably believed, about God. They knew the Birth of Jesus was prophesied as the Son of God. Yet, they deliberately, obstinately, and in defiance stood against Christ time and again and accused Him of getting His powers from the devil. (Matthew 12:22 onwards).

So now look here ... most non-believers, in my view, do so as a conscious decision. No one is an atheist by accident any more than no one is a Christian by accident.

So what should we, Real Christians, (if we are such and not by name only), do about this?

Pray ... pray ... and pray again. Many a person changed his mind,

(Check out Saint Augustine on the Internet. He changed his mind and eventually turned to God and became a leading figure in the Church).

Laughter Time

 

Two aerials get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

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An old lady goes to the vet with her goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy" she tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
The old lady says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

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The congregation were waiting in the church car park on Sunday waiting to get in church. Suddenly Satan appears at the church door. Everyone panics. God's greatest enemy is at the church door! They all jump into their cars and rush away at speed. Everyone except a small man standing by his bicycle. Satan approaches him menacingly. "Do you know who I am?" he asks the small man.
"Sure do ..." the man replies.
"Aren't you afraid of me?" screams Satan angrily.
"Nope ... I've been married to your sister for 25 years!”

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It is said that God looked down on Paradise and noted that Adam, His first human creation, was sad and despondent. God asked Adam why he was so unhappy in Paradise and Adam replied that he was lonely and had no one to talk to.
So God promised Adam that He would create woman for him. She will be his friend, his soul mate and companion throughout life. She will love him, cherish him and respect him. She will care for him, prepare him food and drink, and be forever loyal, devoted and always by his side. She will be always cheerful and will never have a headache or other sickness. She will bear his children and look after them and look after their home, never tiring from her many tasks nor from her eternal desire to please her man.
Adam was pleased and asked God how much this would cost.
God smiled and replied that it will cost an arm and a leg. Adam then asked what he would get just for a rib!

And woman was created.

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Two men are in Court facing theft charges. The Judge asks the first: “Where do you live?” “No fixed abode! Your Honour”, he replies. He asks the other man “And you, where do you live?” "In the apartment above him!"

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A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. 
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. 
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. 
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. 
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'. 
The teacher annoyingly asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?' 
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

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There are more Catholic Churches in Las Vegas than casinos. Inevitably, some worshippers on Sundays give casino chips when the basket is passed around for collection instead of cash.
The churches deal with this by collecting all the chips from the different casinos and sending them to a nearby monastery for sorting and then taken to the casino of origin to be cashed in. 
This job is done by chip monks.
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A man walks into a shop ... " Can I buy a wasp please?"

The shopkeeper replied: " We don't sell wasps."

" You have one in the shop window !!!"

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My eight-year-old daughter embarrassed me when I took her to the office with me on, “Take Your Kid to Work Day.”

As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.

As my co-workers gathered around, she sobbed loudly, “Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?”

A Cry From The Heart

FATHER FRANCIS MAPLE

His WEBSITE

His BOOKS

Mommy keep me safe, mommy keep me warm

Handle me with care, mommy help me to form.

I am ten weeks old, and I know the time will come
when you will give birth to me.

The gift you gave to me are a pair of bright blue eyes
So some day I will see you smile and love me.

I’ve already got my arms and a little podgy nose,
And at the end of my feet I’ve got five little toes.

I look forward to my life, ice cream and slimy snails,
teddy bears and little fairy tales.

Going for walks in the park
Running home before it’s dark.
And being tucked into bed with a kiss.

Where are we going today?
Am I in a boat or bus?

Why are we lying down?
Being drawn on four wheels?

And we go through the door
and there’s people dressed in green.
Everything seems so strange and so clean.

Mommy if they hurt you just let out a scream
and I know someone will come to help you and me.

Mommy what’s going on I am starting to cry
Come quickly they are forcing me to die.

They are killing me mommy, they are pulling me apart
My arms and my legs and now they’re at my heart.

And I won’t see the sky, or the grass or the trees.
and I won’t see the moon, or feel the breeze.

I love you mommy dear, you know I really do
But I only wish you could have loved me too!

Golfing dilemma

 

I know nothing about golf. I don't play golf and I think it is most inefficient to hit a ball in a hole with a stick. But a business contact with whom I was negotiating a great deal suggested we meet at a golf club nearby in the "club house" and talk over dinner. Whilst there, we were introduced to a new member, a stranger to both of us. He suggested we play a round of golf. I declined and volunteered to "caddy" for my business contact - that is to carry all his sticks whilst he golfed. I needed that contract so I agreed to be his servant whilst he played with this new club member. 

The first hits of the ball went well and they talked to each other in golf lingo whilst I walked behind like a lap dog.

At one point we found two women up front by the next hole playing slowly. Apparently, there's a system in golf where you ask the slow players up front to move aside for a while; you play your turn at hitting the ball with a stick, then when you overtake them they continue with their slow game.

My business contact volunteered to go ahead and ask them to move. We stayed put as he walked some hundred yards or so, stopped and came back. "I'm sorry," he said his voice shaking, "I can't approach them. One of them is my wife and the other is my mistress!"

"Don't worry old boy," said the stranger we'd never met before, "I'll do it!"

He walked a hundred yards or so, stopped and came back angrily, "What the hell ..." he growled, "one of them is my wife and the other is my mistress!"

I expected a fight between the two of them. But in golf you're always a gentleman, or a lady. They decided to continue the game and asked me to go ahead and move the two women along.

I walked away a hundred yards and then stopped suddenly. One of the women was the headmistress at our school and the other was my boss's secretary.

We went to the club house for a quick drink and drove away swiftly. I never got that contract.

I hate golf.

My childhood gifts

 

Often my memories drift back to my childhood and the many Christmases and birthdays we had with our family and siblings. The lovely memories come rushing back and I smile with nostalgia and a sigh or two.

Personally, I don't like Nostalgia, whoever she is. Never met her but old people around me always seem to mention her in conversation. The other day an old aunt of mine, sitting by the fire, said "Nostalgia isn't what it used to be!" So I took the bottle of whisky from her, and the blanket that covered her, and went to another room to watch TV. That'll give her something to remember!

Anyway, back to my memories ... this is my Blog after all. Let my aunt get her own Blog and nostalge on it as much as she wants.

I remember as a child I used to love playing hide-and-seek with my siblings and parents too who used to join in. We used to go out in the garden, I would lean against a tree and close my eyes and count to 100; and then I would look for my parents and siblings. I would search for them in Edinburgh, Glasgow, Manchester, Birmingham and even London. They were very good at hiding from me.

Sometimes I would get home from school and find out my parents had sold it. What fun that was. When I eventually found them I could see from the grin on their faces that my family loved seeing me again. They often suggested widening the area of search to the whole of Europe and beyond.

As a child, I was not a demanding kid at all. Apart from the odd piece of bread, I sometimes asked for presents to mark the occasion of Christmas or my birthday. As a joke my parents used to say that I was not born as such; but dropped from the clutches of a tired stork which had picked me up thinking I was a bundle of old clothing. One year, to avoid buying me presents, they told me that Santa died in a sleigh accident.
 
Because of their love for me my parents often bought me books for my birthdays and at Christmas. Books like how to maintain and fix a car, how to unblock the drains, clean the chimney and so on. Dad used to say that they were practical and would be useful should they need me to do these jobs around the house.

In my innocence I liked such educational books and knew that they could be very useful in life. For instance, the Encyclopaedia Britannica set I was given one year proved very valuable for many years. I soon discovered that by putting two volumes on top of each other I could easily reach the cookies jar. I then put the books back on their shelf and my parents never worked out how the jar of cookies got a little emptier day by day. 

I also used to read the books given to my siblings on their birthdays and Christmas. The thing is, I took the books I read quite seriously and quite literally. Take Jack and the Beanstalk for instance. I always worried what would have happened if Jack ate the magical beans and they grew big inside him. Would they grow so big that the beanstalk would come out of his bottom and raise him up to the sky like an elevator? And where did the giant live exactly? Up in the sky? Was it another world up there?

And how did the goose come to lay golden eggs? Did it happen all of a sudden or did she always lay golden eggs? What if you fed her chocolates? Would she lay chocolate eggs all year round or just at Easter?

And why did the three little pigs have to build a house of straw, and sticks and bricks? Could they not afford a good mortgage from the bank? And why did the surveyor and architect not warn them that a straw and a sticks house would not withstand the huffing and puffing of the wolf? They were probably badly advised by their accountants.

And was it the same wolf that ate Little Red Riding Hood's Grandma? Riding Hood must have been very short-sighted not to recognise the wolf in Grandma's clothing. Perhaps she should have visited an optician. 

As for Goldilocks! She should have been arrested for entering a house that does not belong to her.

So, as you can tell, I took all these stories seriously and believed what I read. I used to ask my parents all these questions that crossed my mind. They used to smile and suggest we go outside and play hide-and-seek.
 
One year I asked my parents for a real live unicorn for a birthday present. I'd read about it in a book, and now I wanted one. They tried to convince me that there are no such things as a real unicorn. I argued that if that was the case, then the writer of the book would not have written about them. Perhaps he should be prosecuted for misrepresentation of the facts. Anyway, I still insisted on having a unicorn.

To satisfy my young desires, a friend of my parents brought in a horse on which he had stuck a large carrot on his head. To me, this was a real unicorn. Oh, I was so happy to be the only one in the world with a real unicorn.

My parents had nowhere to keep him. So he was kept at a nearby farm and I visited him every day for a week.

Sadly, one day the other horses he was with ate the carrot off his head. 

When I saw this I was distraught to find my unicorn had lost his horn. I was beside myself with grief. Which is quite an act considering there was only one of me. Have you ever been beside yourself? If so, who else was beside you at the time?

My parents had no explanation to offer about the lack of horn on the unicorn - lack of imagination I suppose. The friend who had brought the horse in the first place explained that in modern times unicorns have edible horns. So it was quite normal for the other horses to eat my unicorn's horn. 

I think I almost quite believed this. But I'm not sure though. What do you think? Are unicorn's horns edible or not?

What's in this junk?

 

You know folks ... I spend a fair amount of time visiting your Blogs and enjoying what you write there. You are an interesting lot, often inspirational with helpful Christian posts or wonderful articles and photos. 

Now here's the thing ... more often than not, I leave a comment on your Blog just to say "Hi" and let you know I've been there. Sometimes these comments do not appear on your Blogs, or they appear for about an hour and they then vanish.

I've asked my techie about this, thinking that perhaps the ink cartridges in my printer had ran out of ink which is why my comments don't appear on your Blogs. He told me that sometimes comments go direct in the Spam folder or the junk folder and Bloggers should check there from time to time in case some comments are hidden there.

I told him I don't buy Spam and the junk is collected by the trash people every week. He told me to write to my Bloggers friends and they'll know what to do.

I hope you understand all this more than I do!

My Business Venture Failure

 

I regret to announce that my latest business venture has failed; and the Corporation I set up has gone into liquidation and bankruptcy despite my many attempts to surmount obstacles and difficulties.

As you know, the rhinoceros is very short sighted. So I set out to help these beautiful creatures by opening a chain of opticians stores in the jungle. The project was doomed to failure from the start.

Our first problem was getting the rhinoceros to sit in the optician's chair. He would not fit in. He wriggled left and right trying to escape. He knocked the whole place about with various equipment and lenses flying all over the place. At one point he kicked our animal psychiatrist in the head and made him reconsider the wisdom of his profession.

In a way, it was just retribution since it was the psychiatrist who encouraged me into this failed venture. He said that rhinos would be more docile and less violent if they could see properly; and the only reason they attack Jeeps and large vehicles is because they think it's another male trying to take over their herd.

We got a bigger chair, but that was no use. The size of the chair was not the problem. The animal was obstinate and in no mood to co-operate. Eventually, when we got him settled with the promise of a lollipop or a sweet if he behaves, we encountered our second problem.

The animal could not read the various sized letters on the chart. How can we check on his eyesight if he could not read? We tried to test the sharpness of his visions by placing various lenses on his eyes and asking, "Is it better this way? Or this way? This way? Or this way?" But he just grunted and not reply.

When at last we managed somehow to measure the creature's eyesight it proved impossible to get him to wear spectacles. He just shook his head and sent the glasses flying. Getting him to wear contact lenses was another failure since he could not pick up the lens with his big feet.

Our chain of stores in the jungle has not seen a customer for months. Despite many offers of 50% reductions in price or get one spectacle and get the other free. 

I wonder whether dental care for crocodiles would be more of a success.

How to make people admire you

 

Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who turn darkness to light and light to darkness, who replace bitter with sweet and sweet with bitter.(Isaiah 5:20)

What the world needs now is a little bit of Integrity. Honesty. Truthfulness. Honour. Reliability. Uprightness.

I could go on, and the list would never end. In summary, the world needs good people. There are too many bad people in the world and the balance is tipping in favour of the bad people. They out-number the good ones X to 1.

And here's the thing. A lot of the bad people are Christians. Not all of them, but a fair number.

Let me give you a recent example. We've needed a tradesman to come and do some urgent work. We checked a number of websites, and phoned and e-mailed a number of them. Some never bothered to contact us despite advertising "No job is too small or too big for us". Others said they'll come to see the work that's needed and give us a quotation as to cost. They never turned up, or had the decency to phone saying they will not come.

Apparently, the norm these days is for a plumber, electrician, or other tradesman, to accept every offer for work that comes his way and say he'll turn up on a given day. And on the day only take up the job that is most profitable. They don't bother to contact the others who have waited in vain all day for someone to call.

This is the modern way to do business. It is called work smart not hard. Accept all work and then choose the most profitable at least effort. 

And I repeat. I wouldn't mind betting that some of these people consider themselves Christian. They probably go to church too. Christians on Sunday and business people the rest of the time.

Years ago when discussing work issues a priest said to me, "You don't work for XYZ Multinational. You work for God. Whatever you do, God is always watching so do your job to the best of your ability. Christ was at one stage a carpenter. You would not expect Him to make a wobbly table or chair. So why should you make a bad job of what you do?"

Therefore we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were making His appeal through us. (2 Corinthians 5:20)

So when we behave badly whether in business or in personal life we are being bad ambassadors for Christ. 

When a non-believer does something bad, people do not say, "Look what a non-believer did!" 

But when a Christian does something bad, they say, "And he is Christian also, what an example!"

Christians must set the example. Christians must be excellent. There's no two ways about it. One bad Christian gives the rest of us a bad name.

How can we tip the balance from bad people to good people if Christians behave so badly?

Be excellent and let people admire you. See you as different. Having something special that they too would love to have.

The love and peace of Christ in their lives.

Rare Recording not aired before ...

Several years ago, when I was young and adventurous, I joined a scientific exploration team deep in the jungle in search of a very rare, almost extinct, bird. This seagull looking bird had learnt the uncanny skill of mimicking sounds it heard around it. Scientists believed this was as a defence mechanism to frighten predators away. Anyway, I was a young reporter at the time, in search of adventure, and I joined this team to record this bird in full song. Here is a sound track from a short film which we made ...

Speaking from my sock

 

SPEAKING FROM MY SOCK 

ISBN-978-1987 722802

So … why call this book “Speaking from my sock”?

It’s simple really. You see, I am a very shy kind of person and find it difficult starting conversations, or keeping up with conversations, for that matter. It’s not just the starting bit, but the continuation too which is a problem with me. Ending a conversation is much easier though. I just stop talking. Years ago, when I was a child, my parents made me a sock puppet from an old sock. And the rest is history. I have not stopped talking since. At least the sock puppet hasn’t.

The other day I had reason to phone for a plumber. But when he turned up I became very shy again. So I put on the sock puppet and all went well … “Hello Mr Plumber,” said the sock, “how good of you to come over so quickly within a fortnight. Please excuse my silent friend with his hand up my rear. He doesn’t speak much. But he told me to tell you that our sink is blocked. We think another sock somehow got down the plug hole!”

And there you have it. A new book written by me with the help of my sock puppet. Thank you for buying it and I hope you enjoy reading it as much as the sock enjoyed writing it.

​This book is a collection of short humourous stories and anecdotes, some heard here and there over the years, others originating from the deep recesses of my mind. 

CLICK HERE

Come on ... LAUGH!!!

 

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
“You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams"

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I saw my Maths teacher with a piece of graph paper yesterday. I think he must be plotting something.

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If you ever feel lonely… Just dim the lights and watch a couple of horror movies. After a while, you won’t feel like you’re alone any more.

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If you get an email with the subject "knock knock", don’t open it.

It's a Jehovah Witness working from home.

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Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.

Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

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When I was at school, History was my least favourite subject.  It is such a boring subject…… You never learn something new.

Then again, most women find History their favourite subject. They are great at bringing up stuff from the past. I often get to apologise for something that happened years ago and I cannot even remember it.

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A tanker ship carrying dark purple ink ran aground on a deserted island, spilling its contents.

Sadly, the entire crew was marooned.

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Tomorrow I am having a brain transplant. Change my mind

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If women ruled the world there would be no war.

Just a bunch of countries not talking to each other.

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Why are married women heavier than single women?

Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

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I accidentally ate my cat's food last night. Don't ask meow

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My wife just left me. She says life revolves around football and she's sick of it.

I'm quite upset. We were together for 7 seasons.

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Two days into my diet I removed all the junk food from my house....

.....and it was delicious

Does God Care?

 

FATHER FRANCIS MAPLE 

WEBSITE HERE

DOES GOD CARE?

Homily by Fr Francis

Mk. 1:40-45

When people see our world lurching from one disaster to another and when some people suffer crisis after crisis a question they ask is, “Does God care about our world and does He care for me?”

This, I think, was the question dogging the man in our Gospel story.  He was a victim of leprosy.  That meant two things:  one he lived as a social outcast, and two, he would die a slow gruesome death.  Then one day he met Jesus.  He must have heard about Him.  It is interesting the way He approached Jesus. He said, “If You want to, You can cure me.”  He believed that Jesus could cure him, but he didn’t know whether He would.  You could say that many people think along those lines.  They believe in a God of power, a God who controls the universe, but they wonder if He cares enough to notice the plight they are sometimes in and if He cares for them as individuals.

I can understand where people are coming from when they say it is hard to believe in a God who cares.  There are lots of things that happen to indicate this.  Natural disasters can claim the lives of thousands.  We live in a world that is filled with disease, poverty, war, hurt, hatred and heartaches of every conceivable kind.  If we were polytheists, believing in many gods, then we could attribute the good to particular gods and the bad to other ones.  When, however, we accept the Christian concept of one God, all-powerful, Creator and Sustainer of the universe, then we begin to wonder if He cares.  How can He allow dreadful things to happen to our world and us?  Either we may stop believing in the goodness of God, or, lose faith in our own self-worth, believing we don’t matter.  For some people it is not easy to keep believing in God Who cares.

Let’s go back to our leper.  The story tells us that Jesus felt sorry for the man and healed him.  Of course, not all of life’s tragedies have this same kind of happy ending.  Sometimes don’t we wish they did?  It is easy to believe that Jesus cared about this leper because He healed him.  What about the many other lepers in His day He did not cure?  Are we to conclude that He did not care for them?

Deep down we know He does care.  To argue that the presence of evil and suffering is automatic positive proof that there is no God, or at least no God who cares, is rather a simplistic attitude towards life.  How do we explain the fact that what we call tragedy often plays a positive role in people’s lives?  When we complain about the difficult and painful elements of life, what are we asking for?  Is it a world that is all ease and pleasure – is that what we want?

There are times when we would welcome that.  We get fed up with trouble and our problems.  We want them to go away and never return.  Yet, if we were offered streets paved with gold, money growing on trees, a life of ease and idleness I don’t think that would satisfy us.  We could take that life for a short time, but we would soon get fed up with it.  We are made to face and overcome challenges.  If there are no questions that need answering, no problems to solve, no challenges to meet, nothing hard to undertake or difficult to do, I think many of us would very soon be sick of that kind of world.  Everything most worthwhile in our lives has come out of a background of struggle against obstacles.  We groan and complain under the frustrations and injustices of living, but we know that life on a silver platter with easy solutions to all our problems would really not be life at all.  It is these very hardships faced with determination that form our character and make men and women of us.  In human life parents know that growing up is not easy, but when their children face up to the obstacles of life and deal with them successfully, they are truly proud of them and know they have brought them up well.

Perhaps we need to take a new look at our understanding of God. There was more than one leper in Palestine.  If Christ could heal one, why didn’t He heal them all?  The answer to that question lies in our understanding of God.  To believe that God is all powerful does not necessarily mean that He will manipulate things and people as He pleases.  He cannot do with us what He wants to do if we stubbornly resist Him.  He has to take into account the element of free will He has given us, and He respects that.  When we see how involved He is with our pain and our troubles by sending His Son to suffer and die for us, then we see that He is not removed from us and that He deeply cares. 

Lord Jesus, the answer to suffering in our world and in our lives is to be found in Your suffering and death.  If we can understand why You got involved in our world and in our lives then I think it will help us to understand the mystery of suffering and believe in a God who really cares.

FATHER FRANCIS BOOKS AVAILABLE ON AMAZON HERE

Moral Dilemma

 

You get a phone call from a friend telling you about an interesting article in Magazine XYZ which you should read.

Whilst at the supermarket, you know they have a large selection of magazines and newspapers, you pick up the magazine, read the article, and put the magazine back on the shelf.

IS THAT STEALING?

Later on, just by the fruits and vegetables counter, you see a notice saying "NO SAMPLING" to stop people eating grapes and other small fruits.

Now, have you changed your mind? Is reading an article on a magazine and not buying it stealing or not?

I once read War and Peace and Crime and Punishment by just visiting a bookshop daily and reading a few pages.