Friday, 30 April 2021
Thursday, 29 April 2021
Teacher: How many feet in a yard?
Pupil: That depends! How many people are in the yard?
The teacher says, "OK class, I'd like you all to tell me what you need at home.
Susie says, "We need a computer".
Wendy says, "We need a car".
Mary says, We need a new washing machine”.
Johnny says, "We don't need anything Miss".
Teacher says, "Come on Johnny, everyone needs something?"
"No Miss, My parents were happily watching their favourite program on TV when my sister came home with her new boyfriend and my Dad said, Well, that's all we need!”
Ken and Rita had finished their breakfast at the retirement home and were relaxing in the library. "You know," said Rita, "today, in most marriage ceremonies, they don't use the word 'obey' any more."
"Too bad, isn't it?" retorted Ken. "It used to lend a little humour to the occasion."
I was having dinner with a world
chess champion the other day. Our table had check tablecloth. It took him two
hours to pass me the salt.
A vicar is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the vicar moves closer to the boy's position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the vicar smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
The boy replies, "Now we run!"
Two men in Court. Judge asks the first: “Where do you live?” “No fixed abode!”
He asks the other man “And you, where do you live?” "In the apartment above him!"
Postman: Is this letter for you sir? The name's obliterated.
Man: No, my name's Peterson.
Patient: Doctor help me. I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Psychiatrist: And when did this start exactly?
Patient: Ever since I was a puppy.
Psychiatrist: I see. Please get on the couch.
Patient: I'm not allowed on the couch!
A ventriloquist sitting on the stage
goes through his routine. The dummy he's holding tells one blonde joke after
another ... "there was this blonde ..."
The audience laugh themselves to tears. Eventually a blonde woman has had enough. She stands up and shouts "Stop all these jokes. They are degrading and insulting to blondes everywhere. You should be ashamed!"
The ventriloquist stops his act and says "I'm sorry madam ... I meant no offence."
She says "I'm not talking to you ... I'm talking to the little man on your knee."
Wednesday, 28 April 2021
Salesman: Hello Sir. I would like to demonstrate to you the greatest invention ever. May I come in?
Man: Yes ... come in ...
Salesman: I would like to show you the latest invention which will revolutionise the world. This vacuum cleaner does not use any electricity at all. And no batteries either. What do you think of that?
Salesman: For a moment I thought you'd say it sucks!
Man: No ... it's neat!
Salesman: Indeed it is neat. And it will make your whole house neat. And it will save you hundreds of dollars in electricity. Because it does not use electricity, or batteries which you have to re-charge. And what's more ... no electricity means it will help save the planet because you are not using any power at all. So you save money and you save the planet. What do you say now?
Salesman: Yes ... double neat indeed. Let me show you how it works. You are married are you?
Salesman: Good ... because this vacuum cleaner requires the help of one's spouse to make it work. We call it Perfect Partnership. Husband and wife working in harmony together. Or indeed any couple, friends living together, or any two or more people working in harmony together to save money and to save the planet at the same time. Shall I show you how it works?
Man: Yes please.
Salesman: I'll pretend to be your wife and I will operate this hand pump here. As I pump up and down up and down ... see how I do it ... you will move the vacuum cleaner head backwards and forwards and suck all the dirt from the carpet. Let's try it ... what do you think?
Man: Neat ... it's great ...
Salesman: You bet it's neat ... it picks up all the dirt ingrained deep in the fibres of the carpet. And no electricity whatsoever. All it needs is me to pump up and down and you to suck in all that nasty dirt.
Man: It missed a bit over there.
Salesman: Yes it does every now and then. But you can always pick the bits it missed with your hand and put them in the trash bin. I bet you can't guess how much this new invention costs!
Man: I have no idea!
Salesman: Well, for you ... as an introductory offer seeing you are the first house I called on in your area ... this latest modern invention is yours for only $100. Do you like it?
Man: I do ... I think ...
Salesman: I'll tell you what ... I am authorised to make you a special offer. If I leave this vacuum cleaner with you for a month, and you demonstrate it to all your neighbours, family and friends ... for every vacuum cleaner you sell I'll give you $10. You only need to sell 10 in a month and I'll give you this cleaner for free instead. What do you say to that?
Salesman: Neat indeed ... now let me get your John Hancock signature on this contract here ... By the way, what will you do with your existing electric vacuum cleaner?
Man: I'll throw it away. It's only gathering dust!
Tuesday, 27 April 2021
Let's start again ... the priest asked us to write anonymously what was the best moment in our lives.
He then collected the pieces of paper and read them out one at a time. The first one said the best moment was when she gave birth to her baby and how she'll never forget holding him in her arms just minutes old. The woman identified herself and described that lovely moment and the group said, "Aaah ... how beautiful"
The second piece of paper was also baby related. This man had said how he remembers his baby daughter holding tight to his little finger. What a moment that was.
A young woman said her best moment was when her husband proposed to her; and she realised for the first time how it felt to be loved. She cried as her piece of paper was read out by the priest.
There was also a touching moment when someone's child was healed after a serious life-threatening illness.
My piece of paper was the penultimate to be read. The priest read, "I had a nice apple pie earlier this week!"
The priest looked at me and said, "Is that all?"
I did not help by saying, "I had vanilla ice cream with it too!"
I hate these stupid sessions where they ask personal questions. How was I to know what they meant by beautiful moments? My wife is angry with me !!! She has told me of many best moments in my life since we met. I can't remember many of them. Why is it you women like to tell men how lucky we are!
Monday, 26 April 2021
If we're honest with ourselves, we have all had times of doubts and confusion in our lives. Times when things were a little bad and we wondered whether God cares for us. Whether He has abandoned us. Whether we are not such a high priority in His In-Tray and whether He was more busy with someone else's problems. We may even have wondered whether He exists at all. And questioned the real basis of our faith.
Let us consider His followers and disciples. They had been with Him for three years or so. They had heard Him preach and lived with Him. They witnessed many miracles. Turning water into wine, feeding the thousands, walking on water, calming the sea. They witnessed His kindness and healings. The blind were made to see again. The lame to walk, the dumb to talk, and the deaf to hear once more. They saw the lepers cleaned and those possessed by the devil made free and whole again. They even saw the dead raised back to life. They witnessed Christ dying and be raised from the dead. He conquered death and evil for ever.
But even they, those who witnessed all this, hesitated when difficulties came their way. They ran away when Jesus was arrested. They betrayed Him, denied knowing Him, would not believe He was raised again unless they had proof, and did not even recognise Him on their way to Emmaus.
They were all too preoccupied with their own problems, Their own safety. Their own well-being. They were too fearful to recognise the truth in front of their very eyes.
They, who witnessed Jesus and His power and His Holy Deity, failed when it was so important not to fail.
So, you're not that bad as all that after all.
God knows when your faith falters, and why it does so. He understands and forgives you as He forgave Peter and the other disciples.
We all fail Him at some time in our lives. We all have our Emmaus moments. Few people have a strong unfaltering faith no matter the circumstances.
The important thing is to keep on believing. To keep on trying, no matter the circumstances, to believe in Him.
"Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have
not seen and yet have come to believe." (John 20:19-31).
Sunday, 25 April 2021
Saturday, 24 April 2021
the past achievements or performance of a person, organization, or product.
"He has an excellent track record as an author".
I guess we all do it at some time or other, subconsciously perhaps. We measure someone's future performance based on the last one, or series of past performances. Whether it is an athlete, politician, organisation we have dealt with or a product we have bought; we assume and believe that their behaviour or performance will be as it has been in the past. We even judge our friends and family this way. We know a certain person is always reliable, prompt on time, and a good honest worker; whereas someone else is not.
But what is God's track record?
You must have known Him for a time, or perhaps you're new at making His acquaintance; how much can you rely on Him in future based on His past performance in your life?
Looking back at past experiences I remember some very bad times in my life. I may not have realised it at the time, but now I think of it, God was there beside me on every occasion. Helping me. Making things easier. Caring for me through some very difficult moments.
So based on His track record in my life, I see no reason why He should fail me in future should I get into difficulty or misfortune. Shall we say, I have faith through experience.
But what is your experience of God in your life? Has He ever let you down? Think about this before you answer it. Did He let you down, or did you distance yourself from Him? How well did you know God at the time of your troubles? How close a friendship was it? And if you feel let down, is it because you did not get what you expected of Him? He did not respond to your requests or demands? He is not a magician you know; ready at your beck and call to do what you command.
Sometimes God does not respond the way we want, or at the time we want, because what we ask for may not be in our best interest. It's the same way as a good parent would not give a child too many sweets just because he asks for them.
But God's track record is a constant one of caring, loving and nurturing His creation; even though we might not realise it. Again, just like a good parent would behave.
Let our prayers be: Speak Lord your servant is listening. Not, listen Lord, your master is talking.
Friday, 23 April 2021
We've got a room in the house that is tiled red and white. I think it's OK. But it has been suggested that it should be carpeted. So eventually, after being told several times, I emptied the room and decided to carpet it myself. I am after all an expert at everything.
I bought one of those electronic measuring tape type machines. It's a
small box which you place near the wall and it sends an invisible beam
to the opposite wall which somehow measures the distance; and then you
can read the distance between the two walls on the little display
I measured the room in question and went to the carpet shop to buy the carpet.
I discovered the room is three kilometres long and four centimetres wide. The shop manager tells me they don't do carpets in those measurements. Wrong colours too! I wanted a carpet with red and white squares.
Thursday, 22 April 2021
Wednesday, 21 April 2021
Some years back our young priest thought it a good idea to take some youngsters, aged between 16 and 20 from under-privileged families, for a day out in the forest at the edge of town. The idea was to go out on Saturday, have a picnic lunch and return early evening about 5 o’clock in time for evening Mass.
"AS I QUOTE MYSELF"
Tuesday, 20 April 2021
Someting veree strange as appened to me. A few days agoo, as I was in ze park, a football hit mee in ze ead. I lost conscience for a seconde or two. But zen, sudenlee, I started speeeking in a French accent. I could not stop eet. What ever I said came out in a French accent.
Le docteur he said that eet iz "mental reversal syndrome"! He explain to me perhaps some time in ze past I ear someone iz speeeking in a French accent and zis is imprinted in my brain. With hit of football I revert to that mode of speeeking sub conscience lee. I now speeke like Hercules Poirot or Maurice Chevalier or Edith Piaf but wiz a male voice!
Problem iz ... I now also write in French accent also. When I write ... I try write in proper Engleesh as I learnt from a book in schoool. But words come out on computer screen in French accent. As you can seee.
Also, since zis 'az 'appened, I seem to be followed by a lot of escargots ... how you say? Zee snails ... zey follow me wiz a garlicke sauce or zee French onions soup!
I also seem to 'ave discovered a liking to painting like zee Too Loose Le Trick zee French portrait painter. He was veree short and only painted zee knees. When I paint zee portrait I stand on zee ladder so I only paint zee nozes.
So zere you ave eet. For time beeing I write to you ere with French accent. Pleeeze you write to me in French accent also so I eez able to under stand you. Merci.
Monday, 19 April 2021
“Hello Theodore …” said the priest tentatively, “how are you keeping these days?”
“Oh … jolly well Padre … considering old age is creeping in what?” responded the rich man jovially, “I haven’t seen you for a while … perhaps we should meet for a spot of lunch what?”
“That would be nice … and how is Rose?”
“Oh … she’s very well indeed and looking after me … best thing that happened to me marrying her … It’s nearly a year now since our wedding you know. Mustn’t forget to buy her a present … I’d better tell my secretary to remind me don’t you think old boy?”
“It’s about the wedding I’m phoning you …” said Father Ignatius, “you remember you had someone playing the bagpipes?”
“Yes … Gregor McBurnish … Haven’t seen him since the wedding. Must arrange a spot of lunch with him too …”
“I wonder if he could help me …” asked the priest, “an elderly parishioner has died recently and as it happens he asked for a piper to play by his grave side during the funeral. He was from Dundee …”
“Dash inconvenient that …” interrupted Theodore.
“Being from Dundee?” enquired the priest somewhat confused.
“No not that … just remembered. Must have my tartan kilt cleaned. I wore it at a function last week and forgot all about it!
“Wants a piper by the grave-side you say? No need to bother McBurnish, Padre. I’ll do it … in full costume too …”
“Oh, I couldn’t possibly impose …” said the priest sensing troubles ahead, “you’re such a busy man and …”
“Nonsense … It’s the least I could do for a fellow countryman. I’ll be at the funeral. McBurnish taught me to play the bagpipes you know … I could also play my own composition …”
“Your composition?” asked the priest in trepidation.
“Yes … Chopin Piano Concerto Number 1. Do you know it?”
“Yes … yes … I do know it. It’s a piano piece, not a bagpipes …”
“Oh … I’ve re-written it for the bagpipes Padre.” declared Theodore enthusiastically. “Don’t you worry about that ... It can be played whilst marching up and down or standing still by the graveside. Now you can’t do that with a piano, can you?”
The priest managed to convince Theodore that traditional bagpipes music would be more appropriate and agreed a time and place when he should be there.
He put the phone down nervously and picked up a local map to find the new cemetery which had just been commissioned a few miles out of town in beautiful woodland surroundings. The priest had never been there and his parishioner was one of the first people to be buried in this new location.
On the day in question Theodore dressed in full Scottish costume and drove to the countryside accompanied by his lovely wife Rose who read directions from a map.
Try as they might, they just could not find the new cemetery. They drove up and down country lanes, through beautiful meadows and woodlands, and they were beginning to panic a little as they realized they were lost. There was no one to ask directions from; so they kept searching until they saw an open field, beside a small wooded area, in a secluded piece of land. The digging equipment was still there as well as the crew having a rest; but there were no mourners, nor the hearse, anywhere to be seen.
“Dash it all …” said Theodore as he stopped the car abruptly, “we must be late! I can’t possibly let the poor fellow down like that. You stay here my dear … I’ll soon get things sorted …”
He got out of the vehicle, put on his beret, grabbed the bagpipes and marched towards the men and digging equipment.
He reached the grave and saw a metal box in there.
So he decided to do what he was asked to do. He got his bagpipes ready and played.
He played like he’d never played before; not missing a note and with real Scottish pride. He played all the religious songs he knew … Abide with me … The Lord is my Shepherd … How great Thou Art … and finished with everyone’s favourite … Amazing Grace.
As Theodore walked to his car one of the workers followed him and asked: “What was all that about? I have never seen such a thing before … and I’ve been installing septic tanks for years!”
Luckily, the worker knew where the new cemetery was and he gave them directions to arrive just in time.
EXCERPT FROM THE BOOK
Sunday, 18 April 2021
Someone said to me the other day: God’s love is conditional. If you don’t love Him back He’ll send you to hell.
I suppose, without glasses, you can see it this way. Let’s look at it another way.
God's love is available to everyone. I say available - not forced upon. As our Creator, He loves us and invites us to love Him back. It is an invitation, not a request or an order.
Forgive me if I put it another way: It’s like you buying a dog and loving him and caring for him. The dog can return this affection or he can bite you. If he does bite you the chances are you’ll forgive him and continue to love him. Unless he does it again and again incorrigibly.
The decision to return God’s love by accepting Him and accepting His Son Jesus rests entirely with us. So, to that extent therefore - yes, His love is conditional. It is conditional on us loving Him back and obeying His commandments.
For God loved the world so much that He gave His only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him may not die but have eternal life. John 3:16.
Saturday, 17 April 2021
The sea became rough because a strong wind was blowing. When they had rowed about three or four miles, they saw Jesus walking on the sea and coming near the boat, and they were terrified. But He said to them, "It is I; do not be afraid." (John 6:16-21)
Fear is sometimes good for you. It stops you from taking unnecessary risks. From
being reckless and unthoughtful in what you do. Fear is natural.
It is a human emotion like all the others. Fear can be real and warranted - we fear punishment and retribution for our crimes, we fear threats from aggressive people, we fear criminals, wild animals and so on.
Or fear can be imagined and unwarranted - we fear the unknown, new places we have to visit, new situations in our lives, new people we have to meet, or we fear change from the comfort we're used to, we fear what might happen in the future.
So fear, by itself, being natural, is not a sin. But how we react and deal with it can be. Too much unwarranted fear could be an insult to God in that we do not trust Him enough to look after us and care for us. Prayers are the answer.
Let us consider carefully what it is that causes our fear and if there is a genuine reason then we should seek help. Discuss the matter with a trusted relative or friend. If there is cause for concern then we should not suffer and worry alone. Others may be able to help us or get us to see our problem from their perspective.
If however our anxiety is without foundation; and there is nothing practicable we can do to change the situation; we should trust in God. This is what He asks of us. To tell Him how we feel and seek His help to calm us down. He has conquered fear. He has conquered the future. As well as evil. Forever.
Do not be afraid – I will save you. I have called you by name – you are mine. Isaiah 43:1
It is no point having faith in a Master who walks on
water if we do not trust Him enough to follow Him.
Friday, 16 April 2021
But do we think when we look at the mirror?
Look at this woman in the photo below:
She is holding her face with her left hand. That is obvious. But why in the mirror she is holding her face with her right hand?
Why did the mirror flip the photo left to right?
And why did the mirror flip the photo left to right and not vertically from up to down? Why don't we see the mirror image upside down but flipped from left to right?
Whilst you're pondering this, and perhaps giving me some answers, here are some other facts about mirrors and reversals of images, or life in general.
Did you know that in some zoos they put mirrors in the flamingo enclosures? This is because flamingoes will not breed in captivity unless there are a certain number of birds in the flock. So they look at the mirrors and say, "Ah ... there's quite a few of us. It is safe to breed because there's safety in numbers!" The zoo keepers put the mirrors to fool the flamingoes that it is safe to breed.
Did you know that the robin will attack his reflection in a mirror or in a window with curtains drawn? He is probably the only bird to do so. Intelligent or stupid?
Did you know that some fish would recognise their reflection in a mirror and not think it is another fish?
And a baby would not recognise his reflection until he is 2 years old at least?
Did you know when athletes run round the track when racing they always run anti-clockwise. If you were in a helicopter above them you will always see them running anti-clock wise no matter which country the track is in. As a result their left leg is shorter than the right!
Now for this next fact I need to rely on your total honesty and integrity.
Look at the photos below, and without checking anywhere else, can you tell me ... ... ...
Don't check ... decide on your choice NOW.
Apparently, in tests most people get the answer wrong and say she is holding the torch in her left hand. In fact, it is in her right hand.
It is the same with British coins. Many people believe the Queen is facing left on the coins; but she is facing right.
And finally ... when you look in the mirror; what do you see?
Do you see Christ there? Are you a reflection of Christ in your daily life? Are you Christ to somebody you meet every day in your life?
Thursday, 15 April 2021
Let us consider the facts of the story:
It is true that I was a business manager in an office block in London.
It is true that our receptionist was very beautiful. Probably what stunned the parrot in the first place.
It is true that I like KFC; and that I have never had Kentucky Fried Parrot.
It is true that there was a veterinary practice not so far away from our office.
It is true that the knot is a unit of speed equal to one nautical mile per hour.
It is also true that the knot is also a dumpy, short-legged, stocky wading bird.
And that most fast food outlets have toilets for the customers to use.
So what bit of the story did you not believe?
I may also add as evidence that the vet told me that this particular parrot is of the Scandinavian variety and that in all probability it was hibernating. Apparently, Scandinavian parrots hibernate for nine months each year.
So there you have it. No facts have been harmed in the telling of this story whether it is true or not. For what really matters in life is not whether I tell you the truth or not in relating my imaginary tales of woe and wile; what really matters is whether I have entertained you and brought a temporary smile to your face; however short in its longevity, a smile all the same, that unites us despite the physical distance between us.
Wednesday, 14 April 2021
Well, this is different. This is true. And if you all believe it is true then it will become true I tell you.
It happened years ago when I worked in London. At the foyer, or reception, of this big office block there was a large cage with a variety of birds in it. Mostly various exotic birds with different plumage and colours and a couple of parrots, or cockatoos, too. There was a special guy who took care of the birds and the cage and it was a good talking point at the foyer where visitors waited near reception to be escorted to various business managers they had appointments with. I was a business manager and my office was on the third floor; not that this is important to the story. I just put it in to authenticate the veracity of what I am saying. Also to show-off my command of the English language.
Anyway, one morning as I got in the building I noticed one of the parrots was lying on the bottom of the cage with its feet pointing upwards. Sure sign of rigor mortis in birds, and all other creatures really.
I mentioned this to the receptionist and she told me the guy who looks after the birds did not come in this morning. I suggested she takes the bird out of the cage as it was not a good advert for the business and visiting clients might assume that he represents the brain capabilities of our business managers. I doubt she understood my sarcasm. But I did; which is all that matters.
She entered the cage and picked the bird up and then said, "Sir ... please wait. The bird is not dead. He has just opened and closed his eyes!"
I examined the parrot and sure enough he was not dead ... yet! There wasn't much we could do about it. I am normally partial to a KFC but have never tried a Kentucky Fried Parrot so it was pointless sending him to the kitchen for preparation. We could not put him in the fridge either until the guy who looks after the birds turns up for work.
"Perhaps we could take him to a vet!" she suggested.
I wish she hadn't. I could hardly send her and leave the reception un-manned, (or un-womaned). You have to be so politically correct these days!
As I did not have any clients' appointments that morning I decided to go to the vet myself. There was nothing wrong with me per se. It was the bird! Are you following this story or not?
I asked the receptionist to put the still stiff bird in a box which we tied with string and I proceeded to the vet which was some walking distance away. About half a mile or so, give or take a few inches or centimetres depending on how you measure distances where you are. It certainly was not knots because we were not at sea at the time.
The knot is a unit of speed equal to one nautical mile per hour. The knot is also a dumpy, short-legged, stocky wading bird. I put that information in to prove the veracity of my story.
Anyway, I took the cardboard box with the bird in it and proceeded towards the vet. On the way there, I had the desire as well as the need to go to the bathroom. Coffee is a diuretic. Another fact worth pointing out.
I entered a fast food restaurant and made my way to the gents room. There were about four or five people there. I decided to enter one of the cubicles and lock the door behind me. I put the box on the floor and as I ... ... ...
The damned bird seemed to have woken up and started squawking and saying, "Pretty Polly. Pretty Polly". I lightly kicked the box with my foot to shut him up. He continued, "Pretty Polly. Who's a pretty boy then?"
I stayed in the cubicle for a while trying to rock the box gently to shut him up. How do you shut a stupid bird in a box? I wish I had tried the KFC option earlier on!
He eventually stopped. The whole episode lasted three or four minutes. I waited until I was sure everyone had left and then I left too.
The vet said it was probably indigestion or something that he ate. The bird was all right and was soon re-united with his feathered companions.
Now it's up to you. Is this story true or not? Take a vote!
Tuesday, 13 April 2021
On Tuesday Mrs Floret our friend was rushed into hospital with two burnt ears. Apparently she answered the phone whilst ironing. The doctors asked her how she burnt her other ear. She replied, "It happened when I phoned for an ambulance!"
A moth flew in through a chiropodist's open window and said, "Doctor, please help me out! I am depressed ... always sad and depressed ..."
"Sorry I can't help you," said the medic, "I am a chiropodist. Not a psychiatrist, or psychologist, or hypnotist or any similar medic that can help you with depression".
"Yes, I know," said the depressed moth.
"Why did you come in and see me then?" asked the medic.
"Because the light was on ..." replied the moth.
Just bought a microwave oven. In the box there was also a big booklet with instructions to make the oven work. It was written in many languages ... French ... Italian ... German ... Dutch I think ... and lots of other languages. It was a waste of time seeing I only speak English.
I learnt to swim from a Teach Yourself to Swim book. Unfortunately the pages got wet and stuck together.
A friend of mine was very concerned that her hamster sat in the corner of his cage for three days motionless apart from blinking every now and then. She took him to the vet who discovered he had swallowed a fridge magnet.
Don’t worry if you have spilt some ice cubes. It is water under the fridge!