Radio Talk-In Show

 

Radio Presenter: Hello and welcome to Talk-In Radio your favourite program. We have on line one Bernard from Bournemouth ... you're on the air ...

Bernard: It's about all those wind turbines all over the place. They don't go round fast. How much electricity is being wasted making them go round slowly and they make no air whatsoever in hot days like today.

Presenter: That's right Bernard. They're a complete waste. I get more air here in the studio from a small electric fan. Battery operated too. We have Cheryl from Chesterfield.

Cheryl: I agree with Bernard. Those turbines are also dangerous to birds who bump into them and die. Why can't they make them in colour like red, and pink and violet so they could be seen?

Presenter: What a brilliant idea Cheryl. And at night they could have lights on them so bats and owls can see them. Brilliant. We have Donald from Doncaster.

Donald: It's about driver-less cars. What is the point of having cars with no one in them? If there's going to be someone in them he might as well drive the thing.

Presenter: Good point well made, Donald. The only reason to make a car is to have someone in it. I don't see the point of cars driving around with no one in them. We have Evelyn on the line from Exeter.

Evelyn: Why is it when I used tomato ketchup there's always a bit stuck at the end which will not come out? What's that about?

Presenter: Yes, that annoys me too. I think we should get a refund from the manufacturer. After all, we pay for a full bottle of ketchup and there's a couple of ounces at the end that never comes out. Fred from Farnborough is on the line ...

Fred: Is Sue there?

Presenter: Sue who?

Fred: Not Sue Who ... Sue Dennis ... Is she there?  

Presenter: There's no one here of that name.

Fred: Are you sure?

Presenter: Sure I'm sure ... look ... I'll turn the microphone all the way round ... 360 degrees ... you can see there's no Sue Dennis here. Maybe you got the wrong number.

Fred: No I haven't. Sue does not have a phone ... she left me. She says she doesn't love me any more.

Presenter: I can't see why, Fred. You seem a sensible young man. Intelligent and all. Ringing a radio station and expecting your girl-friend to be there. That's the first thing I would have done had my wife left me. But then, she works as a radio producer ... my wife. We have George from Grantham on the line.

George: Hello ... can you help me with my one word crossword? One across - first letter of the alphabet. One down the indefinite article.

Presenter: Sorry George. That's all the time we've got this week. See you next week on Talk-In Radio folks. Byeeeee ....

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Get up

 

In Catholic churches, on the walls, there are depictions known as Stations of the Cross. They show the journey of Christ from His arrest to His Crucifixion. On this journey, it is said that He fell three times because of the weight of the Cross and our sins. Each time He got up again. He could have died there and then. But He got up.

Our journey in life is the same. We will fall often. But in our case, there's always Christ beside us helping us to get up.

As we grow older, no matter what age we are now, we sometimes look back on our lives and the good times we had, the not so good, and the really bad times. We have all had our problems and difficulties in life. None of us is immune. Some would say it is the price for being a fallen race, a sinning humanity. Others would say that bad things happen as part of life anyway. The reality is that each one of us has a story to tell. Some are worse than others albeit the sufferings and pains may be different.

One thing is in common however. Whether we recognised it at the time, or later on, or not recognised it at all; at every time when we were down on the ground because of the weight of our own cross, Jesus was there, ready to help and to pick up the cross for us to continue on our journey again.

I remember a story I was told about a little boy playing by the bayou and an alligator came by and grabbed him by the leg and tried pulling him into the water. The child screamed and called for his mother who was nearby. She grabbed him by the arm and tried pulling him out. It must have been a small alligator and a tug of war ensued between the alligator and the mother each pulling at the child. Eventually the mother saved the boy and rushed him to hospital.

There he was visited by his friends from school and neighbourhood. They all wanted to see his injuries and scars. He showed them his leg and foot where the alligator got him and they marvelled at what had happened. Then the child said there are other scars he'd like to show them on his arm which he was proud of. This is where his mother held on to him tightly trying to save him.

We all have scars. We all have sufferings we have endured in life.

Let our scars and sufferings be reminders of when God held tightly to us trying to save us. 

Life may well be difficult now, but the prize in Paradise is eternal.

Don't give up. Get up. Trust in God and go on. Don't be overwhelmed by life's difficulties and the Devil's discouragement. Overcome them with God's help and love and be proud of the resulting scars.

Not my will Lord, but your will be done. 

Father Jonathan Moore

 

NOTE: Please pray for Father Jonathan Moore, a regular contributor to The Christian Lounge, who is not well currently. May God protect and heal him. Thank you. 

You can read Fr Jonathan's latest sermon for this Sunday HERE. 

The Following

 

Helen left home and waited at the bus stop to go to work. Moments later the bus arrived. She noticed as she sat down that up front there was a young man, about her age, dressed in an impeccable made-to-measure blue suit and reading his newspaper. He did not notice her; but she admired his physique, bright blue eyes and blond hair, and imagined several scenarios where they would be together.

Half-an-hour later the bus arrived at her place of work and she got off, whilst the young man remained on the vehicle reading his paper as he drove off her sight and imagination.

At about lunch time, Helen realised that she had left her packed-lunch at home, so she got out to the coffee shop across the road to get a hot drink and a sandwich. As she entered the premises, there sitting at a table enjoying a pot of tea was the same young man she saw on the bus that morning. She was a little surprised at the coincidence of seeing him twice in one day but thought nothing of it. She bought her lunch and got out.

That evening she worked late and got a different bus. You can imagine her shock when she found the young man already in the bus at it approached the bus stop to pick her up. She could not get the incident out of her mind all evening. What are the odds against meeting the same individual three times in a day in different places and different times? She did not even plan to go to the coffee shop. It only happened because she'd forgotten her packed-lunch. Besides, this was not her usual coffee shop. She usually went to another some ten minutes away. That day she was in a hurry so she went to the one across the road. It was as if the young man was following her; or stalking her. But how can he stalk her if he was always there first; and it was she who arrived later.

The following morning Helen did not need to go to her office. She had to visit June, a business associate in town, to carry out the annual audit and prepare her finance statement. So Helen took a different bus from the usual and at a different time. As she entered the bus, sure enough, the young man was sitting there upfront reading his paper. She could hardly hide her shock at seeing him and sat there in a panic until the bus got to town; where she got off quickly and rushed to June's premises without looking back.

Throughout the morning, June noticed that her friend Helen was preoccupied with something. Eventually she asked her and Helen mentioned the young man. 

"What you need is something nice to eat," said June, "I know a new Bistro which opened last week. Let's go. My treat!"

As the two women entered the restaurant, there at a table was the young man enjoying lunch and reading a book.

"That's him ..." whispered Helen as they sat down hiding behind their menus. June picked up her cell-phone and phoned her husband who was a Private Detective with contacts in the police. They continued eating slowly until June's husband arrived, nodded at them surreptitiously, and sat at a different table.

They then left the restaurant and headed for the Mall not so far away. June tried to distract her friend and suggested they do some shopping. Helen agreed and chose to go to the bookshop first. As they entered the shop the young man was already there paying for a book he had just bought and was about to leave.

There was no way the young man could have left the Bistro and rushed into the book shop and bought and paid for a book in such a short time. Besides, how could he know the two women were going to the Mall and that Helen would decide on the bookshop?

June phoned her husband, Mark, who confirmed that the man only left the Bistro one minute previously. There was no way he could be at the bookshop at the same time.

They agreed to meet at June's husband's office not so far away. When they arrived there, Mark had already invited a policeman friend. They related the story to him. He was understandably sceptical.

"There's one way to test this to my satisfaction," said the detective looking out of the window, "there's out there across the road six different shops or premises. I don't want you, Helen, to come to the window and see what's out there and what shops they are. You say you've never been to Mark's office before?"

Helen nodded.

"Right," said the detective, "I want you and June to go down to the street, cross the road, and only then, you Helen, without saying a word, will choose which shop or premises to go into. Once in, give us a call. Mark and I will look down at the street from up here!"

The two women went down and crossed the road and Helen decided to go into the florist. The young man was at the counter buying and paying for a bouquet of a dozen red roses.

June phoned her husband, Mark. He and the detective confirmed that they saw no one enter the florist's shop. The detective decided to rush down to the shop, leaving Mark at the window keeping an eye on the florist's door to see if the man leaves.

When the detective arrived, the young man was not in the shop. He'd just left moments earlier. June phoned Mark who confirmed that no one had left the shop. He saw the detective friend get in but no one got out.

The detective asked the florist whether the young man had been in the shop before. The florist said, "No ... he's never been in!"

"Did he pay by credit card?" asked the detective.

"No ... it's very unusual," she replied, "he paid with a £50 note. That's a very high denomination for some flowers. I had difficulty giving him the full change but he said not to worry and only took £30 in change ... three £10 notes!"

"So ... you have the £50?" asked the detective.

"Yes ... in my cash desk ..." she nodded.

"I am a policeman," said the detective showing his ID badge, "please open the cash drawer but do not touch the note. I'll need to take it for forensic checks and we'll reimburse you fully! Did the young man wear gloves?"

She shook her head and said, "No ... I'm sure of it. His nails were well polished and manicured!"  

The £50 was taken for fingerprints examination. Only the florist's fingerprints were on it.

That evening, when Mark and June took Helen back home after spending the evening together to take her mind off events; as they entered her house, there in the living room was a bouquet of twelve red roses in a vase of water.

Forgive my thoughts

 

I found a book in the attic the other day. It said all the dinosaurs died when a comet hit the earth and they were all killed. Why were they all at one place, I wonder? Were they at a Dinosaur Conference on global warming or global cooling and the comet hit them? I bet they did not see it coming; because they were indoors.

Which came first? Global warming which melted all the ice glaciers or global cooling which brought the ice age? I asked my AI program. It replied, "Why do you want to know you nosey git?"

It was a woman's voice. I reckon Google must be a woman because she knows everything but will not always tell you.

I said nothing further. I guess a woman will always have the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

As I was saying before my thoughts interrupted me; I was in the attic cleaning it with my wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair. It's been a week now and she says she still remembers it as if it was last week.

Here's another thought, are people born with photographic memories, or does it take time to develop?

Can any of you explain this to me? : A Roman legionnaire walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers, please.” I don't understand it; do you?

Or this one: What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic? Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there’s a dog.

More of my thoughts below:

 

CLICK HERE 

Believing with eyes closed

 

Sister Georgina came to see Father Ignatius in his office. She was a nun living in the Convent nearby and whilst it was not unusual for the nuns to visit the Parish House from time to time this visit was somewhat formal. The nun had phoned the priest that morning and asked him for an appointment.

“Hello Sister … come in … come in …” said the kindly priest, “would you like some coffee … or some tea perhaps!”

“No thank you Father …” she said somewhat shyly as she sat down.

“You know you don’t need to phone to make an appointment …” he said as he closed the door and sat at his desk, “just pop in any time …”

“Well Father … I wanted to make sure you were available … and we would not be disturbed.” She said. “The thing is … I’m finding it very hard believing …”

“Are you having doubts about your Faith Sister?” Father Ignatius asked gently and soothingly.

“No … no … it’s not that. I believe in God and Jesus and the Trinity …” she hesitated, “Can someone be selective in their beliefs?”

“Well Georgina …” he smiled, “it depends on what one is selective about … I do have my doubts about some of the changes we’re making as a Church … What is troubling you exactly?”

“Well Father …”

“Let’s dispense with the formalities for now …” he interrupted.

“Well …” she hesitated again, “for some time now I’ve had great difficulty in believing in the true presence of Our Lord in the Eucharist.

“I can’t quite explain it. Did Christ in the Last Supper ask us to celebrate Communion in His memory … or is it really His flesh and blood? And why would He want us to eat and drink His very Being?”

“It is one of our fundamental beliefs as a Church,” said the priest calmly, “one that has been tested and debated for centuries. You’ve no doubt heard of the Eucharistic Miracle at Lanciano?”*

“Yes Father … but how can I make myself believe?” she replied, “I could shut my eyes tightly and convince myself to believe … but at the end of the day my mind says differently.

“I have no difficulty in believing the existence of God … I accept that as fact. I believe in Christ’s Virgin birth, His resurrection, the Holy Spirit and so on … Somehow these beliefs cause me no difficulties and they are part of my being … they are me and have been me for sometime.

“And I suppose that at some stage I must have believed in the Eucharist too. How could I not have?

“I became a nun … studied for years and took on my vocation … and all was well … Yet now, it’s this one aspect of my Faith that I find difficulty with.”

The priest paused for a while and said a silent prayer before going on.

“We’ve all had our moments of doubts and our little stumbles every now and then …” he said.

“It’s our human nature coming to the fore. We’re programmed to think, to analyse … to ask questions and yes … to doubt too.

“It’s what some people call Free Will … and I’m sure you’ve heard the many debates about that and God’s pre-destination of our lives!”

She smiled as he continued.

“God does not want us to work hard at our beliefs. He does not want us to shut our eyes tightly and convince ourselves to believe in this or in that.

“He understands our struggles between total acceptance and the natural desire to examine and evaluate what we’re told to believe.

“He did make us after all … so He knows what makes us tick and how the cogs in our heads constantly turn.

“What God asks of us is to believe like a child. A child never questions the veracity of what he’s told … he just accepts it.

“There’s no need to believe with eyes tightly shut.

“Just accept … like a child. Trust him … like a child. Love Him … like a child.

“And when your mind questions … as it certainly will … just say … Get behind me Satan.

“Look up at God and pray … I believe, Lord; help my unbelief.”

She left with a much lighter heart and a heavy weight off her shoulders.

NOTES: * About seven hundred years after the Birth of Jesus, there was a Basilian monk who lived in Italy in the Church of St Legontian. He doubted, like many others, the Presence of Christ in the Eucharist. One day, as he was celebrating the Holy Mass at the moment of Consecration the Host turned into live flesh, and the wine was changed into live blood.

This flesh and blood have been preserved, totally intact until today. The flesh is the same dimension as the large Host used in Church, it is light brown in colour. The Blood has coagulated and is slightly brownish yellow.

Various scientific tests have been undertaken over the years on the flesh and blood and it was discovered that the flesh is real human flesh and the blood is real human blood. The flesh is essentially from a human heart.

The flesh and blood are the same blood-type, AB. That’s the same blood type uncovered in the Holy Shroud of Turin.

The preservation of the flesh and blood still in their natural state for all these years, over twelve centuries, is an extraordinary phenomenon.

REFERENCE: Eucharistic Miracle at Lanciano

FATHER IGNATIUS BOOKS: Here

Would you recognise our Lord?

The Gospel reading this weekend is about the two disciples who did not recognise Jesus on their way to Emmaus. Here is Father Jonathan's sermon - CLICK HERE
 

How about you?

 

Once upon a time there was a church with a devout and vibrant community who met regularly to pray and sing hymns together.

Then one day a night club opened next door. It served drinks in the bar, played music and had scantily dressed ladies entertaining the guests who also came to gamble at roulette and card games.

The church congregation were appalled and wanted the night club shut down. But there was no way they could do so legally. So they met as a Prayer Group and prayed, and prayed and prayed some more.   

One evening, during a terrible storm, a thunderbolt from Heaven hit the night club and it was burnt to a cinder. No one was hurt. But the club was no more.

The owner of the club took the church to Court and sued them for the damage. The whole congregation turned up in front of the Judge and said they were not responsible. It was just lightning in a storm which caused the fire. The owner of the club argued otherwise and wanted compensation.

Eventually, the Judge asked everyone to be quiet and said, "We have here a club landlord who believes in the power of prayer; and a whole Christian congregation which does not!"

 

FEATURING FATHER IGNATIUS  

 

CLICK HERE  

Reality

 

Do you remember in the film "A Few Good Men" Jack Nicholson shouted, "You can't handle the truth?" 

And in the Bible, Pilate is supposed to have asked, "What is truth?"

I often wonder what is truth, or to be precise, what is reality and what is a figment of our imagination. What if, for instance, you did not really exist? What if you were a character in a book being read by a Teddy Bear? Have you ever thought of this? I haven't; until I wrote it down just now.

The other day on TV they were talking about the weather. Someone said that in some place or other it was the warmest winter since records began.

Now I wonder, when exactly did records begin? Did it happen sometime in the past when someone picked up a piece of paper and wrote "It is hot today! Records have begun"?

Did he on the next day write "It is hotter today. This is the hottest it's been since records began yesterday"?

People are claiming that the weather is getting warmer year on year. I believe scientists call this global warming. There are all sorts of different theories at what is making the climate generally warmer. 

I think it's because of candles. Can you imagine how many candles are lit at any one time in the world? In churches, in restaurants, at romantic dinner tables, in the bathroom - I mean; very dangerous in the bathroom if you happen to singe your hair. On birthday cakes too! All these candles are contributing to global warming.

That and cows breaking wind. It seems that all the gases coming out of cows float up to the sky and make a hole in the sky through which the warmth of the earth escapes and the sun rays get in through the hole in the sky and makes us warm again. 

By the way, did you know that kangaroos don't fart? Their digestive systems don't have the enzymes needed to cause farting like in cows and humans. No wonder they hop around so much. So don't blame global warming on kangaroos! 

Because of the warm winter this year our tortoise woke up early and got out of its hibernation. So I put it in the fridge. The next day I found out it ate all our lettuce. As soon as I opened the fridge it rushed out in the garden to go to the toilet. 

Apparently, the same thing happened at the local zoo. All the hibernating animals such as lemurs, squirrels, mice and other rodents woke up from hibernation because the weather has been so warm lately. But they did not put them in the fridge because it was full of bears hibernating.

Tortoises and snails are very slow aren't they. Did you know that if a snail climbed up your leg it would be at least two days before you said  "OOOH !!! What a surprise!"

I'm convinced what the world needs now is more experts. Whenever there's some bad news on TV, an economic problem somewhere, a medical situation that needs resolving, some difficult political situation, or whatever else you might see on the news - it's the lack of experts that holds us back from finding a solution. Where are all the experts on every conceivable subject when you need them? Why can't they explain why it is getting warmer these days?

If we had more experts then we could all go to sleep happily at night knowing that all is well with the world and any global warming that may or may not exist can always be blamed on someone else and not you. Personally, I find the best way to combat global warming is by keeping our fridge door open.

DISCLAIMER - No animals or humans have been harmed in the writing of this Blog. No cow or kangaroo have been forbidden from emitting any bodily gases, nor have any tortoises, lemurs, squirrels, mice or rodents and bears been put in fridges. Nor snails been made to climb up peoples'  legs. Nevertheless, please continue to write in with your comments. I like receiving your mail and answering each one personally ... personally ... personally ... (The AI machine has gone wrong again!).

Signs of the Times

 

Sign over a Gynaecologist’s Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

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  In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

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On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

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On a Plumber’s truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

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On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

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On a Church's Bill board: "7 days without God makes one weak."

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At a Tyre Store: "Invite us to your next blowout."

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On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

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In a Non-smoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

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On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."

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At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

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On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

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On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

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At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

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Outside a Car Exhaust Store: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

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In a Vets waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

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In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

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In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

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And don't forget the sign at a Radiator's Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

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Sign on the back of yet another Septic Tank Truck: "Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

What a day ...

What a day I had ... I woke up this morning and the first job I had to do is sort out my car insurance. I got the renewal papers through the post and the premium had gone up. I phoned the insurance company and said "all I want is insurance against just theft!"

They replied, "There's no such thing; it's insurance against accident, fire and theft."

I replied, "Who'll want to steal a car that's on fire?"

I don't like those insurance people. They always have a reason for not paying. Last year I got a wonderful watch as a present. I insured it against accidental breakage, theft, water damage, magnetic interference and faulty mechanism ... ... ... it caught fire!

I went to the antique shop and saw a wonderful cuckoo clock. It dates back to the 1800s. The man at the shop told me it's an eight-days clock. I asked him what it meant. He said it goes for eight days without me having to wind it up. I asked him how long it would go if I wind it up?

I bought the clock and walked all the way back home. I took the scenic route through the countryside. There was a well in a field. You know Jacob's well in the Bible? It wasn't that one. It was another well.

I sat on the edge of the well and put the clock beside me. I leaned back to admire it thinking I was on my armchair and I fell in the well. Luckily it was dry. The ambulance people pulled me out and asked "have you broken anything?"

I replied, "there was nothing down there to break!" What a silly question to ask.

On my way home I witnessed an accident. A prison van, with prisoners on board, had collided with a lorry full of mixed concrete. The police are looking for some hardened criminals.

In another crime related story, I read in the papers that a hole had been found in the local nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.

They then entered the premises and interviewed a number of people airing their differences. The police believed that the members were withholding evidence, but the nudists insisted they had nothing to hide.

Life is getting expensive with prices going up all the time. In the Old Days I went to the shop with $1 and got two bags of potato chips, a bottle of soft drink and a bar of chocolate. Now they have CCTV cameras everywhere.

On my way home I visited a friend. He was in his front yard cleaning his car. He told me, "There's nothing better than old underpants for drying your car after you washed it!"

I said, "Perhaps so ... but take them off first!"

He was standing there rubbing his backside against the car doors. 

He told me some naughty gossip. A woman down the road from us, a few houses away ... apparently she was having an affair with a builder who was doing some building work at their house. 

Whilst she was with him ... if you understand what I mean ... her husband came home unexpectedly. The builder got up hurriedly and said, "I'll escape though the back door!"

She replied, "We don't have a back door!"

He asked, "Do you want me to build you one?"

Anyway ... do you like to hear a joke? This next one is so good I can't wait to hear the punch-line.

There once was a ventriloquist sitting on the stage going through his routine. The dummy he was holding was telling one blonde joke after another ... "there was this blonde ..."

The audience laughed themselves to tears. Eventually a blonde woman had enough of these insults. She stood up and shouted, "Stop all these jokes. They are degrading and insulting to blondes everywhere. You should be ashamed!"

The ventriloquist stopped his act and said apologetically, "I'm sorry madam ... I meant no offence."

She replied, "I'm not talking to you ... I'm talking to the little man sitting on your knee."

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Do you remember then ...?