What a day ...

What a day I had ... I woke up this morning and the first job I had to do is sort out my car insurance. I got the renewal papers through the post and the premium had gone up. I phoned the insurance company and said "all I want is insurance against just theft!"

They replied, "There's no such thing; it's insurance against accident, fire and theft."

I replied, "Who'll want to steal a car that's on fire?"

I don't like those insurance people. They always have a reason for not paying. Last year I got a wonderful watch as a present. I insured it against accidental breakage, theft, water damage, magnetic interference and faulty mechanism ... ... ... it caught fire!

I went to the antique shop and saw a wonderful cuckoo clock. It dates back to the 1800s. The man at the shop told me it's an eight-days clock. I asked him what it meant. He said it goes for eight days without me having to wind it up. I asked him how long it would go if I wind it up?

I bought the clock and walked all the way back home. I took the scenic route through the countryside. There was a well in a field. You know Jacob's well in the Bible? It wasn't that one. It was another well.

I sat on the edge of the well and put the clock beside me. I leaned back to admire it thinking I was on my armchair and I fell in the well. Luckily it was dry. The ambulance people pulled me out and asked "have you broken anything?"

I replied, "there was nothing down there to break!" What a silly question to ask.

On my way home I witnessed an accident. A prison van, with prisoners on board, had collided with a lorry full of mixed concrete. The police are looking for some hardened criminals.

In another crime related story, I read in the papers that a hole had been found in the local nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.

They then entered the premises and interviewed a number of people airing their differences. The police believed that the members were withholding evidence, but the nudists insisted they had nothing to hide.

Life is getting expensive with prices going up all the time. In the Old Days I went to the shop with $1 and got two bags of potato chips, a bottle of soft drink and a bar of chocolate. Now they have CCTV cameras everywhere.

On my way home I visited a friend. He was in his front yard cleaning his car. He told me, "There's nothing better than old underpants for drying your car after you washed it!"

I said, "Perhaps so ... but take them off first!"

He was standing there rubbing his backside against the car doors. 

He told me some naughty gossip. A woman down the road from us, a few houses away ... apparently she was having an affair with a builder who was doing some building work at their house. 

Whilst she was with him ... if you understand what I mean ... her husband came home unexpectedly. The builder got up hurriedly and said, "I'll escape though the back door!"

She replied, "We don't have a back door!"

He asked, "Do you want me to build you one?"

Anyway ... do you like to hear a joke? This next one is so good I can't wait to hear the punch-line.

There once was a ventriloquist sitting on the stage going through his routine. The dummy he was holding was telling one blonde joke after another ... "there was this blonde ..."

The audience laughed themselves to tears. Eventually a blonde woman had enough of these insults. She stood up and shouted, "Stop all these jokes. They are degrading and insulting to blondes everywhere. You should be ashamed!"

The ventriloquist stopped his act and said apologetically, "I'm sorry madam ... I meant no offence."

She replied, "I'm not talking to you ... I'm talking to the little man sitting on your knee."

PLEASE SHARE THE HUMOUR BY INVITING YOUR FRIENDS HERE 

Do you remember then ...?

 

A Vision ???

 

Father Ignatius was busy in his office dealing with some paper work when Eric, a young man in his mid-twenties, came in.

“I’ve changed the oil Father and gave the engine a good run. It’s as good as new.”

Eric was a car mechanic at the local garage and every now and then he came over to the parochial house to maintain the priest’s car and undertake any minor jobs that needed doing.

“Thank you” replied Father Ignatius, “I’ll await the invoice from your boss in due course.”

“Oh I see you got that picture of Jesus …” said Eric pointing at the wall. “The boss has the same one in his office at work.”

“It’s very popular …” mumbled the priest hoping that the youngster would soon leave. He had plenty of paperwork to get on with and he could really not afford the time for a chat.

“Did He really look like that?” continued Eric.

“Who?”

“Jesus … did He look like that? This is the picture painted by that nun isn’t it? What’s her name?”

Father Ignatius put down the letter he was reading and turned to Eric. It was obvious that although he wished to get on with his work the Good Lord had other plans for him.

“Her name is Sister Faustina. Her real name at birth was Helena Kowalska.”

“Greek was she?” asked Eric making himself comfortable in the armchair near the window.

Father Ignatius took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes with his right hand, as if to summon every once of patience that the Good Lord might send him. “Why now, when I’m busy,” he prayed silently.

“No Eric,” he said with a smile, “she was Polish.”

“That’s right; I knew it was somewhere foreign. Near Jerusalem where Jesus came from …”

“Not quite near Jerusalem!”

“And she actually saw Jesus and painted Him. That’s what I have been told. Do you believe that?” interrupted the young man eagerly. “I mean … she could have been lying. Can you prove that she actually saw Jesus and He looks like that picture?”

“Despite my age,” said the priest abruptly, “I can assure you I was not around when Sister Faustina was around. So I can’t actually prove what you ask for.” He then immediately regretted what he had said and continued in a more gentle voice.

“Look Eric, we are told that Sister Faustina back in 1931 had a Vision of our Lord. She saw Him dressed in white and standing very much as in the picture there. From His heart rays came out, one red and another pale, as you can see.

“The Lord spoke to her and asked her to paint an image according to the Vision she can see and to write ‘Jesus I trust in you.’ And that’s how we came to have this picture."

“Oh …” said Eric.

“Now you and I have two choices to make,” continued the priest.

“We can believe this is all true. Or we can believe she was lying and nothing really happened.

“If indeed the story is true and we chose to ignore it we would have lost a great opportunity to venerate the image of Christ; as He has asked us to do when He spoke to Sister Faustina.

“And what a great pity, and tragedy that would be! To ignore a request made by our Lord Himself.”

“I see …” said Eric pensively.

“Our Faith has a number of mysteries Eric,” continued the priest in his gentle tone, “things that we are invited to believe without any proof and without any evidence. That’s why they call it Faith. To believe in something when your common sense tells you otherwise.”

There followed a few moments silence whilst Eric digested the information he’d just heard.

“Does Jesus appear and speak to people these days too?” he asked finally.

“I believe He does,” replied Father Ignatius, “He certainly spoke through the Holy Spirit to Father John Woolley. Here, you can borrow his book …”

Eric picked up the book handed by the priest and read the title, “I am with you.”

He then asked, “Jesus performed miracles when He was on earth … Does He do so now? Do miracles happen now Father?”

“Yes … they do. Miracles happen every day to a lot of people. The sad fact is that too many are not willing to believe that they happen.

“Christ is alive and is amongst us now as He ever was. He speaks to us and guides us through His Holy Spirit.

“But hearts have hardened Eric. Plenty are not willing to believe.

“They may consider themselves Christians or Catholics but they don’t know what to believe anymore. They just go through the motions by going to church and by claiming they’re Christians.

“Christianity is not just a label Eric. Or a brand name. It is real. Christ is real and is alive today as He ever was. It is not an event that happened two thousand years ago which we commemorate as a Remembrance every Sunday. Christ is alive and here today. He is here in the Eucharist; He is here in the Holy Spirit who abides in our very soul, if we let Him. If we invite Him …”

Eric hesitated for a while and then asked “I’d like to really believe in all these things Father. I don’t know how …”

“That’s a good start … wanting to believe. Opening your mind and heart to the Lord.

“Pray about it. Ask God to help you believe. If you like come and join us at the Bible classes we hold every now and then here at the Parish centre.

“Ask for God’s help and leave the rest to Him.

“Say what you can read in that picture on the wall, ‘Jesus, I trust in you’ and mean it every time you say it.”

Note: I am with you. Author John A Woolley ISBN 09508840-7-3 Click HERE

Father Ignatius books FREE HERE.

Facing Anxiety

 

The Y Files

 

The Y Files are secret documents hidden away from us because they contain information that we are not yet ready to accept or understand. Despite their constant attempts to resolve these mysteries, two intrepid investigators have so far constantly failed to get any answers to the questions in the Y Files.

Questions like:

Y does the Earth rotate on itself and around the Sun instead of bouncing up and down like any ball would do?

Y do vegetarian sausages and burgers have the same shape as meat ones? Y can't vegetarians invent their own shapes instead of stealing ours?

Y when you use shoe polish to clean your shoes does the polish go on the shoe rather than remain on the cloth you use or in the tin?  

Y are pasta shapes priced differently in the shops when they are made of the same ingredients? 

Y is it wrong on many levels to break wind in an elevator?

Y is there always a bit of sauce left in the bottom of a ketchup bottle which will not come out?

Y is it impossible to put the toothpaste back in the tube when your kids have over-squeezed it?

Y are they called Y Front underpants when in fact the Y shape is upside down?

Y are rainbows arc shaped and not triangular or squares?

Y do burps suddenly appear every time I drink beer?

Y so many questions with no answers?

Y are the answers my friends blowing in the wind?

Y so much wind? 

 You are invited to submit your own Y questions.

The truth is out there - but we are not ready for it! 

Did you know this about yourself?

 

Humans share over 50% of their DNA with bananas. Yes, we're all mostly bananas. Which explains why so many people are bent, and some are green and slippery.

Did you also know that when you leave your hair behind when it's been cut you are leaving a lot of DNA at the hairdressers? I always ask the hairdresser for my hair back.

DNA is what makes us all unique. No two people in the world are the same. Even so-called identical twins. There is no such thing as identical. I knew "identical" twins once. They looked the same but you could not tell who was male or female. I found out when I took one of them on a date.

The word "identical" means exactly the same. I learnt that when once my secretary came to work crying because her Chihuahua dog had died. I went to the pet shop and bought her an identical one. She cried more at having two dead dogs.

Despite sharing our DNA with bananas and some animals, humans are the only creatures who wear clothes. No other creature, animal, bird or fish, wears clothes.

I wonder, how did Adam and Eve know which bits to cover when they sinned? Why not cover their knees, or elbows? How did they make the leaves stick in appropriate places? Velcro had not been invented then.

I have my doubts about that story. I don't know about you; but if I was naked in the garden and met a talking snake, I'd be scared he might bite my bits, not engage in conversation with him.  

Yet these days people don't seem to care about nudity. They go to nudist camps to air their differences and don't bat an eyelid about it. Would you do that?

And there's nudity everywhere on TV. What's the world coming to?

We're all bananas I think. 

What is this?

 

A while back, Martha Jane Orlando mentioned on her Blog a plant called "trillium". See HERE.

I commented that we had similar plants in our garden but no blooms. I went out with my camera hunting for wild-life and discovered these triangular leaves under a tree. They never flowered.

Are they trillium? How did they get there? Anyone know?

At the Sleep Therapist

 

.

To sleep, perchance to dream! 

 

I went to see the Sleep Therapist. He explained that there are many reasons why people do not sleep soundly. Diet for instance, especially if you have eaten a heavy meal or cheese or perhaps one drink too many.

Another reason is being fretful, worried and concerned about something or someone.  

He asked me, "Do you ever wake up irritable in the morning?"

I said, "Sometimes I do, at other times I let her sleep and go downstairs to prepare breakfast!" 

He scribbled something down and asked, "What do you do then?"

I replied, "I bring my wife a cup of tea in my pyjamas. She's never grateful. She prefers it in a cup!" 

He scribbled some more, "Sometimes some people find it comforting to take their pets in bed with them. Do you ever do that?" he asked.

"Yes, I did once," I said, "when I woke up the bed was soaking wet and our goldfish had died!"

"What did you do then?" he asked scribbling some more notes.

"I grilled him and had him for breakfast with toast and ketchup!" I said reminiscing in sadness at the time.

"You must have really loved your goldfish," he continued writing.

"Yes, but not as much as when our parrot died!"

"What did you do then?" he asked again.

"We put him in the oven with potatoes, turnips and carrots. He was not so good though. After we ate him he kept repeating on us!"

"Repeating?" he raised his eyebrows.

"Yes ... Poly Gone ... Poly Gone ..."

"Tell me about your dreams," he asked, "any disturbed ones?"

"Yes," I said thinking back, "only last week I dreamt that the neighbour's horse had driven away in my car! I panicked and woke up in a sweat and a huff, or was it a minute and a huff?"

"What happened then?" he said.

"Oh ... it was only a nightmare!"

He wrote some more silently. Then after a moment or so he asked, "Do you ever walk in your sleep?"

"Only to go to the bathroom!" I said.

"Do you have difficulty passing water?" he asked.

"Only when crossing a river on a bridge; I get a little dizzy!" I confessed.

"What are the symptoms?" he asked.

"They are yellow cartoon characters on TV. There's Bart, Homer, Marge and Lisa, and Mr Burns too ..." I could not remember any other symptoms. 

"I diagnose that you have an over-active imagination," he said, "take one of these pills daily before going to bed."

He handed me a box with big round pills the size of golf balls.

"Wow ... these are big," I said, "what are they for?"

"I don't know," he said, "my friend is a vet and these are horse pills we are testing on various patients for side-effects. Tell me if you kick like a mule in your sleep!"

A prayer

 

A prayer for all who have left the Faith 

Bread - Everything I own 

Easter Wishes

 

WISHING YOU ALL

A BLESSED EASTER 

 

 

One Bread One Body

 

One Bread One Body

 

You may wish to read about

the lies and conspiracies about

Easter

CLICK HERE 

Reflections for Easter

 

.

 

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