Octo Fatcts

 

In my research I have uncovered a number of facts which probably you did not know about Octopuses. For a start, the plural of octopus is in fact octopuses and NOT octopussies as some people believe. But that aside, let's consider some really interesting facts.

Scientists have discovered that the octopus is in fact a very intelligent creature. It has several "brains" which are located in their arms or tentacles and not in the head as you would imagine. The reason for this is that each tentacle has several suckers which are controlled independantly. So the creature needs some sort of reflex action/reaction in the arms or tentacles to control all those suckers. Thus the "brain" in the tentacles does this.

However, apart from that form of "low level" intelligence based on reflex actions scientists have discovered that the octopus can actually be taught just as we can teach a child or a pet dog.

For instance, after years of trials and experiments marine biologists have taught an octopus to count up to eight.

Despite several attempts to teach him to count further, all efforts have failed, and it is therefore unlikely that any octopus will become an accountant any day soon. This is because accountants have to count higher than eight, and also they have the benefit of calculators to help them in this respect.

Scientists have given the octopus several calculators - eight in fact. All that the animal did was juggle them over his head with great alacrity.

At this point I must confess that I had to look up the word alacrity as I did not know what it meant. The octopus picked up my dictionary and juggled it too with audacity and gusto. Audacity and Gusto were not too pleased about it though.

Anyway, the scientists took the calculators away and gave the octopus tennis balls. He promptly juggled them above his head and managed up to eight balls at a time. The octopus was given a tennis racket but he was completely useless with it. Which explains why no octopus has ever won Wimbledon or any other world tennis tournament.

It is said that if you are ever stung by an octopus on the beach the best way to counteract the sting is to pour urine on it. The acidity of the urine neutralises the sting.

This happened to me once on the beach and someone suggested the remedy to me. Unfortunately, despite the fact that many people were there at the time, no one volunteered to oblige and come to my aid.

As I'm sure you can imagine, it was not physically possible for me to self-administer this cure whilst standing on one leg. Which is where the octopus has an advantage on us humans.

In many countries the octopus is a delicious delicacy enjoyed in many upper-class restaurants. Unfortunately the dish is very expensive because the octopus runs so fast with his eight legs that no human can catch him quickly enough. Which is another reason why the octopus has been banned from entering any Olympic races or any running tournament for that matter.

On the rare occasion an octopus is caught and taken to the kitchen he wrestles with the cook and throws all the knives and kitchen utensils all over the place. When he is sometimes over-powered and put into a large pot of water, (with a little salt, pepper, and a hint of origano), the octopus uses his free tentacle to turn off  the cooker.

Another intimate and somewhat delicate fact is that male octopuses find it very difficult finding a girl-friend. This is because whenever they meet, their arms are all over the place which is somewhat upsetting for the lady octopus. I mean ... can you imagine sitting at the back of the cinema and feeling an arm coming round behind your neck for a cuddle? And as you remove one arm another moves forward to replace it?

And that's all about the octopus for now. A creature with eight legs because eight brains are better than one; and mine hurts right now having written all this for you. I hope you appreciate the length and sacrifice I go to to inform and educate my readers.

Living with Mystery

 

.

You are invited to read an interesting article

by

Father Jonathan Moore

at

The Christian Lounge

 

CLICK ON THE ENTRANCE ABOVE

OR

HERE  

Have you ever wondered?

 

Have you ever wondered why the earth spins round on itself, and indeed spins around the sun? Other planets too spin around on themselves and the sun.

How do they do this, and why? If you pick an orange high up in your hand and let go, it will fall to the ground. It will not spin on itself and around the light bulb hanging from the ceiling.

So how does the earth do this?; and continue to do it for millions of years without stopping?; albeit some people say it is slowing down; (perhaps a bit like you when you wake up in the morning).

My scientist friend said it is to do with the flow of time - whatever that is. He said that as time flows by it makes things spin, like the earth and other planets. It also make them go round the sun. I didn't understand a word he said; my head is still spinning, but not me.

Also, did you know that deep inside the earth as a planet it is very hot; hotter than hell it seems. So I asked, how can it be hot, and what is burning in there, and where is the oxygen coming from to sustain all this burning for millions of years.

My friend said there is no need for oxygen. The heat is the result of pressure. The earth crust, (that's where we are all standing or I am leaning against the bar), is pressing into the centre to keep the whole planet intact. All this pressure is creating heat which stays inside the planet - or comes out sometimes from volcanoes. Apparently we can use this heat in something called geothermal. You drill a hole on the crust of the earth, pump cold water down and it brings up steam under pressure which you use to turn turbines and make electricity.

Oh ... and another thing. How come we are standing on the crust of this planet and we don't fall off? Is it magnetism. Are we stuck on earth because the earth is a magnet and we eat spinach which is made of iron? Or is it gravity? When you drop that orange is it magnetism or gravity that pulls it down to the ground?

I have spent many a sleepless night in Seattle trying to fathom out all these questions. I hope you do the same.

And one more thing. Why are pizzas round, and they come in square boxes, and you cut them into triangles? To defy science, I now cut them into long rectangular strips.

So there!

Adultery

 

John 8:1-11

We all know the story when the Pharisees brought to Jesus a woman caught committing adultery.

According to Jewish law she had to be stoned to death for that sin. In those days adultery was a serious offence; not like these days where many treat it as a joke.

Anyway, the scribes and Pharisees brought this woman to Jesus to see whether He would agree to her being stoned. Notice how hypocrites they are, they brought the woman. Where is the man, I ask?

The thing is, it is easy for religious people to hide behind hypocrisy. They stand upright and make out that they are offended by others' sins and yet they hide how truly evil they are.

In this case, they were also trying to trick Jesus into making the wrong decision. Would He follow the Jewish law or not? 

We’re told in the Gospel of John that Jesus wrote in the sand with His finger. We don't know what He wrote. I guess He wrote, ‘Dear God … will they never learn?’

But that’s not important; what is important is that after He said let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone, and when they all left one by one, Jesus turned to the woman and asked ‘Is there no one left to condemn you?’

She said ‘No one …’

And Jesus replied ‘I do not condemn you either. Go, but do not sin again.’

Now Jesus did not mean do not sin any sin whatsoever ever again for the rest of your life!

He knew that that is impossible. The woman was human, and it is natural that she would sin again. Jesus knows our human nature and He knows that we are liable to sin again and again.

What Jesus said to the woman is, do not commit that particular sin again … it is serious enough to get you into a lot of trouble with the Pharisees as well as with God Himself.

And that’s what Jesus is saying to us today.

He knows we are weak. He knows that we will sin. By saying ‘do not sin again’ Jesus is warning us to beware of those particular sins which are serious enough to lead us into damnation, and into an eternity of exclusion from our Father in Heaven.

FATHER FRANCIS MAPLE'S SERMON ON THIS READING HERE 

Disciples make Disciples

 

I'm doing as best as I can, God. 

Someone on TV said the other day that Disciples make Disciples. What he meant is that all Christians are tasked to evangelise. He explained that we can't all be preachers, pastors, knock from door-to-door, or hand out leaflets in the streets; but we show we are Christians by the way we live.

Let's admit it, we are not all good examples of Christianity by the way we live are we? I get irritable by stupidity in real life or by various experts on TV teaching the silly obvious.

But we can be Disciples, I thought, by what we write on our Blogs and social media outlets. Technology has given us a new, free, opportunity to express our Faith in a gentle encouraging way which could prompt someone to want to discover more about God and Christ in their lives. We never know who reads what we write. There are many people out there who have never learnt about God and Jesus. Can you imagine if your words were the first step for them on their path to Heaven?

Let's consider this: Jesus started with twelve followers. He had no Internet. How many "followers" have we got? Can you imagine what we can achieve with His help?

Let's us pray first ... and then start writing.  

Are you stressed?

 

 

Are you stressed? Are you the kind of person who is often easily wound-up and upset? You watch something on TV, the News perhaps, and you are angry at what you see. You wish you were in control; things would certainly be different then.

Psychologists say there are two types of people - A group and B group.

"A" people are often very stressed and wish to be in control of situations including those out of their control. They get angry even. And this anger is bad for our health.

These people get stressed at the slightest thing, because they believe they are right and therefore everyone else is wrong. For example, they believe the toilet roll in the bathroom should be hung one way - their way. Any other way and it is wrong. They go to the point that when visiting people in their homes they change the toilet roll to their way of hanging it.

I know someone who does that every time she visits us. But I fixed her!

I have wired the toilet roll to an alarm bell. If she attempts to change the way the roll is, an alarm sounds throughout the street and she is locked in the bathroom. The Fire Brigade came to get her out through the window just the once. She never changed the roll any more. Mind you, she never visited us since !!!

"B" people are relaxed throughout life no matter what happens. Totally laid back. Nothing bothers them. If they fainted they would need help to get them to the ground.

I tend to lean towards "B". So much so that I fall over ... with some help.

I never get upset at long slow-moving queues, (lines), at the bank or at the supermarket checkouts. In fact I choose them in preference to short ones. I find standing in a queue relaxing as I watch what people have bought in their trolleys and wonder what kind of people they are. The other day I noticed a woman had in her trolley no fewer than six packets of condoms; all of various types and quality/flavour (???) 

It's the same when travelling. I always stand in the longest and slowest queue leading to the boarding gate. And for extra relaxation, when I reach the boarding gate and it is my turn to enter, I leave the queue and stand right at the back again. You should see the faces of all the "A" type people standing there. I have also missed many a train, bus and plane this way. But I was so relaxed I did not need a holiday.

So there you are. Be relaxed as a "B". Not as stressed as an "A".

How about you? Are you an "A" or a "B" person?

Which way do you hang your toilet paper?

Dog Tunes

 

Just bought a CD for my dog. It's a special recording in ultrasonic sound. Only dogs can hear it. You put the CD in the player and you hear nothing, but the dog can enjoy music and songs. 

The CD has songs such as "How much is that doggie in the window?", "Puppy love", "Shep", "You're nothing but a hound dog" and my dog's favorite "Who let the dogs out". 

There's a cat version with "I thought I saw a pussy cat", "Top Cat", "What's new pussycat?" and all the songs from the musical Cats as well as Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. 

The CDs make a great gift for your pets birthday. You can play them as loud as you want and the neighbours will never complain - but their pets might if you have not invited them to the party !!!

Don't forget to send an article to 

The Christian Lounge 

 

Uncertain Times

 

I am getting a little tired with the number of times politicians and experts on many subjects come on TV and tell me that we live in uncertain times. This is often a preamble for them to expound their theories on any topic and end up teaching you nothing and leaving you depressed to the point of suicidal.

At the risk of offending anyone, let me proclaim my theory. Henceforth, it will be known as Moubarak's Theory of Certainty in an Unstable World. 

What is uncertainty? Imagine waking up in the morning and your egg Benedict tastes like rotten fish. Or your coffee tastes of soap suds. Now that is uncertainty. Things that happen suddenly and unexpectedly that leave you perplexed and even worried. Especially if the uncertainty continues in other spheres of your life, like your car becomes another colour, or the trees in your garden have moved places by themselves. No doubt you can think of other examples.

Personally, I don't think we live in uncertain times. We live in very certain and predictable times.

You don't need to look too far in the Bible to find examples of many times when people moved away from God and faced terrible (predictable) outcomes.

The Jews rebelled against Moses and God after they left Egypt. Look what happened to them.

People rebelled and disobeyed God at the times of Noah and were destroyed by the floods.

King David, his son Solomon, and his son Rehoboam all disobeyed God and faced the consequences.

Throughout history you will find that when humanity turns its back on God its Creator they face terrible times.

This is not uncertainty. It is certainty. Whether we like it or not God has given us a set of rules to live by. We ignore them at our peril. We live in very certain and predictable times. 

NOTE: This post should not have been written in case it offends someone. You may choose to ignore it.  

Scientific Knowledge

 

Here are some scientific facts for your edification.

Did you know that if a centipede is attacked it detaches some of its legs and throws them at his attacker? That way the attacker stops to eat the leg and the centipede runs away and hides. Unfortunately when the centipede returns to retrieve his lost shoes and socks he gets eaten anyway.

Also, did you know that silverfish can live for two to eight years unless you hit them hard with your shoe.

Before silverfish reproduce, they carry out a complicated ritual which may last over half an hour. First the male and female stand face to face, then repeatedly back off and return to this position. In the second phase, the male runs away and the female chases him. In the third phase, the silverfish do what they want in the privacy of their own home.

The thorny devil lizard can absorb water through its skin like a blotting paper. Then it drinks the water by opening and closing the mouth - they drink through their scales like sipping through a series of straws. 

The cricket chirps at night depending on the temperature. If it is very hot it could chirp 30 or 40 times a minute. If it is a little cooler it would chirp perhaps 15 to 20 times a minute. In very cold conditions it does not chirp at all because it is frozen out of its tiny mind.

The coldest temperature ever recorded is known as Absolute Zero. At Absolute Zero nothing happens. The buses will not run and don't even think of licking a lamp post because you'll be stuck there with no one to release you.

Talking of Zero ... scientists have built a chamber where you can simulate Zero Gravity. They put an elephant and a mouse in the chamber to find out whether, when there's no gravity, they would float at the same rate, rising at the same time. Surprisingly, they did float up at the same rate despite their different size. However, when they switched the gravity machine off the elephant fell with a bump on the mouse and killed it.

The ancient Greek playwright Aeschylus was killed by a tortoise dropped by an eagle which feed on tortoises by dropping them on hard objects. The eagle had mistaken his bald head for a rock suitable for shattering the shell of the reptile. Ironically, Aeschylus had been staying outdoors to avoid a prophecy that he would be killed by a falling object.

Did you know that Madagascar hissing cockroaches eat fresh vegetables and dry dog food pellets? The hiss is produced when they forcefully expel air through the specially-adapted respiratory openings under their wings. 

Whilst staying at a cheap hotel once I killed a cockroach in my room. Within minutes the place was infested by cockroaches who had come for the funeral.

Snails are amongst the slowest and most boring creatures on earth apart from lawyers and accountants. In Olden Days snails were as big as pigs. They were still very slow and left a trail of slime behind them which people would slip on and get injured. Because of their slowness they were all caught and eaten in a delicate  garlic sauce. Did you know that if a snail climbed up your leg it would be at least two days before you said  "OOOH !!!"

Did you know that flamingoes stand on one leg because if they were to lift it up they would fall?

Also, did you know that in Shakespeare's play Hamlet, Polonius hides himself behind Gertrude's arras?

What's that to do with natural science? I hear you ask. Well ... I just thought that she must have had a big arras to hide a man behind!

Did you know that the majority of men with beards (about 68%) sleep with their beards tucked under the bed covers rather than over the bed covers?

And that beards grow faster and longer than hair on men's heads?

Human ears grow bigger in proportion to the rest of our bodies as we grow older. I knew a man with his ears sticking out quite a bit. He looked like a car with its doors open. On a windy day he would spin round like a revolving door.

Did you know that if you had a meal in a restaurant that is totally dark you would not be able to tell the difference between steak and a beefburger?

Did you also know that if you're in a vacuum and you shout loud no one would hear you? And it would make no difference whether the vacuum bag is full of dirt and dust or whether it was empty?

Do you realise that if you had a small bird in a cage and as you happen to weigh the cage if the bird jumped up from its perch then its weight would not register on the scale?

Also, if you were to weigh the cage under water the small bird would drown?

And in order to peel and cut an onion without tears you have to do it under water; that is if you can hold your breath for that long?

It's true I tell you. All these facts have been well researched in a scientific book which I am writing.

The Shoebox

 

The Shoebox

Chris Young

Don't leave it too late

 

 

 Every generation
Blames the one before
And all of their frustrations
Come beating on your door
 

I know that I’m a prisoner
To all my Father held so dear
I know that I’m a hostage
To all his hopes and fears
I just wish I could have told him
in the living years
 

Crumpled bits of paper
Filled with imperfect thought
Stilted conversations
I’m afraid that’s all we’ve got
 

You say you just don’t see it
He says its perfect sense
You just can’t get agreement
In this present tense
We all talk a different language
Talking in defence
 

Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you
hear
It’s too late when we die
To admit we don’t see eye to eye
 

So we open up a quarrel
Between the present and the
past
We only sacrifice the future
It’s the bitterness that lasts
 

So don’t yield to the fortunes
You sometimes see as fate
It may have a new perspective
On a different day
And if you don’t give up, and
don’t give in
You may just be OK.
 

Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you
hear
It’s too late when we die
To admit we don’t see eye to eye
 

I wasn’t there that morning
When my Father passed away
I didn’t get to tell him
All the things I had to say
 

I think I caught his spirit
Later that same year
I’m sure I heard his echo
In my baby’s new born tears
I just wish I could have told him
in the living years
 

Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you
hear
It’s too late when we die
To admit we don’t see eye to eye

Mike and the Mechanics
The Living Years

 

 

At the vet

I had to take our cat to the vet for his annual vaccinations. You know the kind … Immunisation against all sort of feline diseases and allergies appertaining to cats. Except being cunning, conniving, plotting and scheming … there’s no vaccinations for that apparently.

First you have to put the cat in this small carrier cage especially designed for the purpose. Easier said than done … Have you ever seen one of those contraptions? They are small … cat sized actually … there’s no point in having a cage as big as a house is there? 

It’s a small box with a little door on the side. You open the door, put the cat in, and closed the door again. Simple … if the cat is willing to co-operate that is. It is dark in there and of course the cat is not interested is he? He’s had previous experience of that box. It always leads to the vet where bad things happen … as far as he’s concerned. And as far as I’m concerned too … have you seen how much the vet charges? His treatment costs more than the cat itself!

So I pick the cat … He hisses and struggles. He rolls round on his back to escape. He bares his teeth. He scratches for all he’s worth. He somehow manages to close the cage door just as I’m putting him in. The cage falls on the floor landing right on my foot. I jump and hobble in pain whilst the cat is permanently attached to my face with all claws drawn out like daggers. In my blind confusion I trip over the cage and land head first into the box of cat litter; whilst the cat escapes up a tree and laughs raucously at my misfortune.

Several attempts and First Aid plasters later the cat’s in the cage and we’re at the vet. And the same rigmarole starts again. The cat won’t come out of the cage. He wriggles and turns on the vet’s table. He runs up the curtains. We hunt him down and try to hold him still for a second or two whilst the vet prepares the injection. The cat hisses and scratches at the sight of the needle. I feel a sharp pain in my arm and all is over.

Now the vet did say that the injection is not harmful to humans … and the side effects are only temporary.

How could this be? If it’s not harmful then why have any side effects? Temporary or otherwise? In order to pacify me the vet agreed to waive the usual fee and asked me to come back next year without the cat.

The side effects of the injection are quite disturbing. I’ve noticed that recently I’ve started to lick my hands for no particular reason. I have an urge to climb trees and I sit purring happily at people when in public. It’s very embarrassing on crowded trains and buses … especially when I want to cuddle closely to people.

I went to see a psychiatrist. He said, “Get on the couch!” I told him I’m not allowed on the couch.

He gave me some red tablets to take once a day. I asked him what they do. He said “I don’t know. They’re samples I’ve received this morning and I’m trying them out on new patients!”

He asked me whether I get sudden headaches and pain on the knees. I said that I didn’t. He said that he’d had these symptoms for a week and couldn’t work out what it was.

He then gave me a saucer of milk and a piece of fish from his lunch box. He presented me with an invoice for $300. Can you imagine that? $300 for some milk and a piece of sardine sandwich!

That cured me instantly I tell you.

I said I’d report him to the Veterinary Society. He replied that he was not a vet.

“What business have you to treat a cat then?” I asked him directly.

He had no answer to that and he too agreed to waive his fee.

More cat stories in FELINE CATASTROPHES.

AMAZON LINK  HERE