Do Not Disturb

 

I got locked into my own hotel room the other day. I had to ring reception to let me out.

I had inadvertently put the "Do Not Disturb" sign on the inside of the door in my room; and in the morning I could not get out and disobey the notice.

I wonder ... how many of us Christians go through life with a "Do Not Disturb" sign hanging round our neck? We'd like to help one another of course, and love each other as Christ commanded, but not now ... we're too busy. There's the shopping to do, take the kids to school, go to work, mow the lawn and this and that. We just don't have the time to stop and help. We want to, but not just now!

Remember the parable of the Good Samaritan? Read it in Luke 10:25. The two first people, the priest and the Levite, were wearing "Do Not Disturb" signs when they came across the man attacked by thieves and left for dead. Chances are they were good people, we're not told, but they did not want to be involved just now.

Think about the last time you met someone needing help whilst you were wearing the sign round your neck. Was it in church ironically when you avoided that woman who always complains about her aches and pains and how life is difficult? Or at the supermarket when the shopper in front of you took ages to pay for her goods at the check-out? Or in the car park perhaps when you sneaked into the parking place before another car got there? Or at work when you were too busy to help a colleague confused about something or other?

OK ... let's look at it another way. How many Christians are there in the world right now? Millions? Billions even? 

What if each one of these Christians did a good turn, a bit of kindness not asked for, once a week for someone else? Not every day ... just once a week. How many acts of kindness would that be? You do the maths!

What was it Morgan Freeman, (God), said in the film Evan Almighty? "One act of random kindness at a time!" 

Let all Christians take off their "Do Not Disturb" signs right now and get started.

HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN SOMETHING?

One-Liners

My wife claims I have a poor sense of direction. I don’t know where she’s coming from.

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Not many people know that almost all garden gnomes have red hats.

It’s a little gnome fact.

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I just bought a gallon of correction fluid. Big mistake.

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My wife and I were having this huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry. Finally, I threw in the towel.

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Yesterday my wife thought she saw a cockroach in the kitchen, so she sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly. Today I’m putting a cockroach in the bathroom.

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I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!

The dog came third.

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My massage therapist got fired. I guess she rubbed too many people the wrong way.

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What do you call it when you mix alcohol and American literature?

Tequila Mockingbird.

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Two books meet in a library. The first book says “You don’t look too well.” The other book replies “Just had my appendix removed.”

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A shop assistant tried stopping a robber by attacking him with a labelling gun. Police are now looking for a man with a price on his head.

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My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN SOMETHING?

A (fun?) day out

 

So ... we went on the beach. I hate the beach. There is sand there; and it gets everywhere. Why do they have sand on the beach? Why can't they sweep it away and keep the beach tidy for visitors?

They decided to go in the water. I hate the water on the beach. It is salty and can affect your skin; so I am told. I decided to take my shoes and socks off and go in the water dressed just as I am. They told me I would stand out in the crowd and draw attention to myself. Something which I hate to do, being of the shy variety! Everyone would look at me and I would not blend with the rest of the people there sunning themselves in their various swimming costumes.

They suggested I wear swimming shorts. No one would notice me and I would be one of the crowd. I did not have any swimming type clothing with me. A friend let me borrow hers.

At least I kept my hat on!

Is it OK to keep your hat on when on the beach?

There I was ...

 

There I was reading my newspaper in a hot bath and the first thing that came to mind ... actually ... the second thing that came to mind was; why do newspapers always mention important people like celebrities, politicians, sports personalities and so on? 

Why don't they ever mention ordinary people like Marjorie Fordiscue, or Theobold Ivor Pimple? 

For those who don't know, Theobold Ivor Pimple invented that bit of hard plastic you have at either end of a shoelace to make it easier to thread through the holes in your shoes or boots. I bet you never heard of him. Originally, the bits were made of metal and in time they made them of cheap plastic. He worked at a shoe factory and invented the hard bits at the end of shoelaces - an unsung hero of modern day society much enthralled with Velcro fastenings and slip-on shoe.

Ivor Pimple is not to be confused with Walter Spigot who invented those little metal rings you put in the holes in shoes and boots to make sure the holes in the leather don't tear up and makes it easier to lace the shoelaces. Walter is another unsung hero of his days, whenever his days were.

As I sat there in my hot bath I thought of all the other people throughout history who have left their mark on this world and have been virtually forgotten.

Like the man who invented the woo-pie-cushion for instance. What hilarity he brought to the world over the years, especially on solemn occasions like when you're in Court for speeding, by placing those harmless plastic bags unobtrusively on seats. Yet I doubt anyone knows his name.

Or the man who invented the spoon-rest and gave us all yet another item to wash when we have finished cooking in the kitchen.

My mind then turned to Marjorie Fordiscue as mentioned previously. So, why did she come to mind in this totally unconnected train of thought?

Years ago, when I lived in London, my apartment at the back overlooked her bathroom. One day, as I  looked out of the window there she was in her bath!

What could I do? Wave at her and say "Hello" like a good neighbour should, or ignore her and pretend I did not see her?

What would you have done?

Eccentric? Moi?

 

In the kitchen we have a large wardrobe, (cupboard), containing mostly pots and pans and other kitchen utensils. A few weeks ago, when everyone was out of the house, I made a big hole in the back of the wardrobe and another in the wall so that I could go into the wardrobe and out into our garden. I put all the pots and pans back in the wardrobe/cupboard and concealed the large hole to the outside. It was like the wardrobe in the book by C S Lewis, "The witch, the lion and the wardrobe". Once you enter the wardrobe you could go into my own garden Narnia.

When the family got home, they complained that it was a bit draughty in the kitchen. There was a distinct wind coming from outside which rattled the cupboard's doors.

My wife ... oh, I never told you did I? My wife and I met on the net. We were both bad trapeze artists. But that's another story.

Anyway, as I was saying before I interrupted my train of thoughts. We used to train for ages high up on the trapeze jumping from one swing to another. We often missed each other because she arrived ten minutes late.

My wife discovered the hole at the back of the wardrobe and let's say she has no sense of humour whatsoever. 

I explained that by going through the wardrobe she would travel out into a new Narnia world in the garden; walking through sunshine, or mist or rain or whatever the weather outside might be. 

Her reply will not be posted here to protect readers with a nervous disposition.

She didn't like my next adventure either. I installed at the very end of our garden a chocolate dispensing machine. I bought the machine from a shop that was closing down and they had it on the side-walk outside. I got it home and installed it just by the pond at the end of the garden and filled it with all kinds of chocolates.

 I explained that it gives my walk in my private Narnia a real purpose. What is the point of going out in the garden in all weathers for no reason at all? Now I can enter the wardrobe, go through the hole at the back, and walk gently all the way to the pond and reward myself with a bar of chocolate from the machine. What's wrong with that?

I intend to invite friends and relatives and conduct tours of our garden through the wardrobe. They would all file into the kitchen and one by one enter the wardrobe and walk all the way to the chocolate machine. What fun that would be! I may even have little scenes from Roald Dahl's "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" re-enacted in various places in the garden.

Sadly, my wife has brought in reinforcement in the shape of her mother. She landed on her broom early this morning.

I suggested we also give broom-flying lessons or play quidditch like in the Harry Potter films.

Do you think I'm eccentric?

The missing money

Three friends went to a restaurant and drew up a bill of £75-00.

Each contributed £25-00 towards this and the waiter took the bill to the cashier.

The cashier corrected a mistake and decided to give them a discount, and asked the waiter to return £5-00.

The dishonest waiter kept £2 in his pocket and gave £1-00 to each one of the three persons.

That brings us to the mystery.

Initially each one had contributed £25-00. And each received £1-00 back making their contribution £24-00.

Thus, all contributed £ 24-00 — that is £24 × 3 = £72-00 

£72-00 and the £2 in the waiter’s pocket makes a total of £74-00. But they had paid £75-00.

Where is the missing £1-00?

Forgiveness

 

Hickory Dickory Cuckoo Clock

The old clock that belonged to my mother-in-law accidentally fell off the mantel piece and broke. I got the blame ...

... so in order to make amends I went out and bought a lovely (cheap) cuckoo clock made of plastic. 

I convinced my wife that it was a great replacement to that old antique which did not keep time anyway. 

For a while, we enjoyed the new clock with the cuckoo coming out through the doors every hour and singing his heart out. But I tell you folks, the novelty soon wears out and at times I'd wished the damn bird had laryngitis and stayed in bed for a while rubbing Vicks Vaporub on his chest.

My wife particularly did not like it when the bird came out every hour throughout the night. I'll admit she had a point. Birds don't sing through the night unless they want me to throw an old clock at them.

I read the instructions manual and there was nothing there about how to stop the cuckoo singing at night. So I took some Sellotape and taped round the two doors that open up to let the little birdie out. I taped it so tight that the doors would not open at all.

That did not work! Throughout the night every hour we heard, "Cuck ...Ooh! Cuck ... Ooh! That hurts!" as the little birdie attempted to get out and hit his face against the doors which were shut tight.

The next morning I took the sticky tape off the doors to see what happened; and there was the cuckoo bird with his face all bruised black and blue, threatening to report me to the Birds Protection Society for cruelty and imprisonment!   

I got the blame once again for trying to be helpful.

It happened this way ...

 

I went to the optician to pick up my glasses I had ordered a week ago. The receptionist gave me the box with my name on it. As I left, I noticed that although the frames were what I ordered, the lens prescription was certainly wrong. When I put the glasses on everything looked gigantic. Much larger than in real life. Those glasses certainly made everything appear huge. They'd be useful to give to my wife some evening!

I went back to the optician and returned the glasses and got the right pair. By this time I was running a bit late. I went to the bank to do a quick transaction. There was a slow moving queue. By the time it was my turn the bank assistant's phone rang and she answered it. Then she burst out crying. She told me that her 96 years old grandmother who had been ill for some time had just died. I sympathised with her. She continued crying. I can't deal with crying women. What are you supposed to do? Lean over the counter and give her a hug? What if the security people thought I was attacking her? 

I was running late, as I mentioned. So I told her nicely, "I need to do this transaction quickly. Your Grand will still be dead in ten minutes. Can you do the transaction first and cry later?"

She cried some more and walked off. The manager came. He did not understand I was trying to be helpful. 

When I arrived at my office I found my secretary crying. That's two women crying on me in one day! Apparently her small dog had died. In order to be more sensitive I went out to the pet shop and bought her an identical dog. Now she has two dead dogs. She cried some more.

After work I went to the hairdresser. He said my hair was wearing thin and he gave me this concoction he had made himself using penguin poop. He said it will help my hair grow thick.

As I was showering I mistook the hairdresser's lotion for my bottle of liquid soap. Immediately, within seconds, my beard grew to double its size. But worse ... hair grew out of control all over my body. 

I had hair on the palms of my hands. All over my hands and arms in fact. Everywhere was growing hair. My underarms hair grew so fast you could have plaited them into ponytails and tied them with a ribbon. I had beards growing out of my knees. My arms had long strands of hairs running down just like a curtain or wings.

The more I cut the hair the longer it grew. The almost instantaneous growth was amazing. Just as well I did not rub the cream elsewhere on my body or else I'd have an unwanted beard in a place I would rather not!

My cat became suspicious of the overgrown hairy me and started hissing and arching his back as if to pounce. To calm him down I patted his neck gently.

I must have had a trace of cream on my hand because now although he is ginger he has a long black beard growing from the back of his head. Whenever I come near him he runs away in distrust.

I hid the cream and told my family not to touch it. It is bad enough having my mother-in-law with a moustache and beard without having my family looking like her.

How Time was invented

 

Have you ever wondered how we first learnt to measure time?

Here's a quick lesson you'll never forget.

Many years ago at the time of the Romans there was an Italian called Role. He was the tenth son of a tenth generation of men called Role - in fact he was known as Role the Tenth. Which in Roman times was written Role X.

Anyway Role X, and everyone else for that matter, noticed that it was sometimes daylight and sometimes night. "But how do we measure such a recurring occurrence to see how long is daytime compared to night time." thought Role X.

So he asked the opinion of his friend Galileo who at the time was looking up at the sky and wondering why the sun was always in different locations.

After a short discussion with Galileo, Role X planted a big candle which he had borrowed from his local church right in the middle of his garden. (The candle was in the middle of the garden - not the church. Just pay attention).

He measured the candle carefully. He waited until the sun was right above the candle, (i.e. no shadow), and he lit the large candle and left it lit until the following day when the candle had no shadow again. He then blew the candle out and measured the bit that was left. From this he deduced how much candle had burnt over the period it was lit.

He then got another candle with exactly the same dimensions and marked with his pen 24 equal segments from top to bottom. That's the candle's bottom not his bottom! Are you really paying attention?

He called each segment "hours". He quite rightly thought that if he lit the new candle at the same time as the previous day, (i.e. no shadow), he will call that MIDDAY and then every segment as it burnt down would be an HOUR, until the following day when there will be no more segments on the candle; and when there was no shadow (i.e. MIDDAY again).

Are you still paying attention? Good.

Role X decided he'd call the 24 segments one DAY.

He lit the candle and waited. But the experiment did not work because it was windy that night and the candle blew out.

He prepared a third candle which this time he kept indoors. That did not work either because the sun did not cast a shadow indoors.

So in total desperation, Role X bought himself a watch and solved all his problems about time.

Well ... I did promise you a quick lesson you'll never forget. Go buy yourself a watch and forget about lighting candles in the wind.

Dietician Ahoy!

 

I went to see my dietician today. The poor woman was starving. I took her a hamburger bun, some French fries and a chocolate milkshake which she devoured in an instant. She was still hungry so I found an old KFC leg in my trouser pocket which I gave her also.

She was half-way through a wrestling match with her husband which she partakes as exercise to lose weight. She sat on his submission and then brought out my file to read.

She said I could lose a little weight; so I took my coat off and she weighed me again. She was satisfied with my quick progress.

She then asked me what I eat. I said I have at least 5 fruits and vegetables a day. She warmed me about fruit because it contains sugar. "All fruit contains sugar!" she said. What a discovery. I went through life not knowing that. She advised me not to eat too much fruit.

Or potatoes, or pasta, or rice. "Carbohydrates!" she said. I nodded knowingly.

"Beware of too much protein!" she warned. So most meats are also to be avoided if possible.

"Do you take exercise?" she asked, "like wrestling?" I looked at her poor husband and said, "No!"

"You need to do something everyday that will keep you slightly out of breath!" she advised. I thought at what that could be and asked her, "Can I take up smoking?" She banned that also.

She also told me to stop drinking alcohol; it 's bad for us and it turns to sugar apparently.

And also chocolates, sweets, cakes, cookies, biscuits and candy. All contain sugar it seems.

I was running out of options as to what to eat and drink. 

"Do you eat enough fibre?" she asked. "Yes," I replied, "I eat bits of worn out carpets and old knitted garments!" She wrote that down.

"How about something more solid?" she asked. "Sometimes, I chew on a table leg," I said. She wrote that down also.

Then she asked me a very personal question, "Do you have trouble passing water?" 

"Yes, sometimes I get dizzy walking on a bridge across a river!" I explained. 

She followed with a more personal question, "How's your libido?"

"I sold that Italian car, I now have a Toyota!" I replied. 

When I got home, I thought about it and asked my wife what libido means. She would not tell me.

What if ...

 

What if God said to you, "I know your failings, your inadequacies,  your shortcomings, and your weaknesses, but I still want you to do something for me!"

What would you say?

What if He then said to you, "You know there is someone in your life you are not at peace with. Someone you have fallen off with. I want you to contact this person and try to make peace, to reconcile your differences before it is too late. I will make sure that person is receptive."

What would you do?

Because in reality, I guess we all have had an argument with someone which at the time seemed very important; more important than the whole world itself. But now, with the passage of time, is it really that important? Is it fundamental an issue that separates us apart?

Or is it a matter that can be resolved and influence our eternity?