I am really HOT !!!

A friend of mine is quite an inventor. He is always in his little hut at the bottom of the garden making different gadgets and things “to make life better”. Or so he claims. I must admit that some of his inventions are somewhat innovative although I can’t see them catching on and becoming best sellers. For example he has put a little red LED light at the back of his cap which lights up when he goes out walking at night so that vehicles can see him. Practical? Yes … Fashionable … I don’t think so!

The other day he asked me to test his latest invention.

He has somehow managed to weave a very thin wire backwards and forwards inside the lining of a jacket which he bought from a shop. He then connected the wires to a battery the size of a small book which he placed in the inside pocket of the jacket. By flicking a switch the wires warm up gently and keep you warm on cold winter days.

Now I’m sure that I read about similar devices somewhere or other; but my friend assures me that his system is different … I couldn’t understand a word of what he said in techno language, so I nodded politely and smiled.

He took my nodding as acquiescence to testing the “Warma-Coat”; as he calls it.

I put the jacket on one cold and breezy morning and walked to the local shops to buy my newspapers and some chocolates. I just can’t read the papers without chocolates. Somehow they make me concentrate better. But I digress.

On my way to the shops the electric system in my jacket must have short-circuited because I got a slight twinge in my right shoulder which made me wince a little.

I ignored it and carried on walking when it happened again, only a little stronger.

Fortunately, it stopped for a while whilst I was shopping, but when I came to the check-out to pay for my goods … it happened again but much stronger this time. I recoiled a little and grimaced somewhat at the electric shock.

“Are you winking at me?” asked the beautiful young female cashier.

“No … I’m not.” I replied embarrassingly as I winked at her once more.

“There … you did it again” she said, “what’s the matter with you?”

I was about to reply when a further electric shock made me smile involuntarily and wink at her twice.

“You’re being suggestive … you are!” she cried in a loud voice, “I’ll call the manager!”

Seconds later the manager appeared out of nowhere with a security man. She must have pressed some hidden panic button, I suppose.

“What’s the matter?” he asked her.

“Mr Thornicroft … this customer is making suggestive innuendos by winking at me!” she complained.

“Is this true sir?” he asked, “we take exception to improper behavior by our customers towards our employees!”

“I assure you that I did not do or imply anything improper” I replied as I winked at him twice.

“Sir … you are quite out of order” he said sternly as he saw me wink, “I’ll have to ask you to leave these premises or we will call the police!”

 

As I tried to explain my innocence he noticed a plume of smoke rising from my right shoulder.

“Sir … have you been smoking? It is a criminal offence to smoke in public places and I may have to detain you until the police arrives” interrupted Mr Thornicroft as he motioned to the security guard to do his business.

A crowd soon gathered by the check-out as other shoppers became interested in my dilemma. Why can’t people just mind their own business and continue shopping?

“I assure you I don’t smoke …” I protested as the security guard attempted to put his hand on my right shoulder then thought it better not to.

“I don’t smoke … but my shoulder clearly does!” I said trying to make light of the situation.

And that’s exactly what happened next. The right shoulder did light up in green flames and acrid black smoke.

The manager quickly picked up a two-litre bottle of beer and emptied it on my head whilst the security guard got hold of a foam emitting fire extinguisher and covered me in foam from head to toe.

I can announce that beer and foam don’t mix. Some got into my mouth with dire results.

As I was led out of the store coughing and spluttering I heard a customer explain to another “Instant combustion … it happens a lot you know. It’s more common than you think!”

I cleaned the foam as best I could and walked back home never to return to that shop again … and never to trust an inventive friend.

 

This was an excerpt from my memoirs 

 

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How obligated are you?

 

 A thought occurred to me the other day whilst praying; "How obligated are you to tell people about Jesus?"

What an odd thought to come to mind. But then, I thought, Jesus told us to tell everyone about Him.

Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptising them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” Matthew 28:18-20

Of course, we can't all be preachers, pastors or priests. And if we go around telling everyone about Jesus we may be doing more harm than good. At best, people will humour us politely; at worst we could be switching them off altogether about Christianity.

Yet, that said, we can always witness to what God has done for us every now and then when writing on social media. A visit to the doctor which turned out better than expected perhaps, or some good news from family or friends, all these are examples that God was/is by our side whenever we need Him most. Surely a cause to celebrate with others; and to encourage them perhaps to find out more about this God we claim to love so much.

A mention every now and then goes a long way.

Let Jesus read about Himself on your Blogs and social media.

Gone with the wind

 

At our supermarket car park you usually pick up a ticket at the barrier which you place inside your windscreen so that the car park attendant can easily see it when he does his rounds. When you leave, you hand the ticket at the exit barrier and you pay as you exit. So it is imperative you do not lose your parking ticket.

I’d finished shopping and I placed all my goods in the car. As I opened the driver’s door a gust of wind blew the ticket out of the car. I chased after it. It went under another parked car some yards away. I looked around for the car park attendant – there was no one to be seen. 

I knelt down and there winking at me teasingly was the ticket under a parked van. It was just out of reach as it smiled at me saying: “Come and get me!”

I went totally flat on my tummy and stretched my arm right out under the van, inching forwards a bit at a time until I touched the ticket with my fingertips. Another stretch and … “Got it!”

At this point I heard a woman say: “Are you all right, Sir?”

I eased myself from under the car as she said, “You seem to have fainted, Sir; and rolled under this van!”

Before I could explain myself she had called the car park attendant who now appeared out of nowhere. 

 

The attendant called for help on his walkie-talkie radio. Another shop assistant turned up with a chair followed by someone else with a glass of water.

“Sit down Sir …” they all seemed to say in unison, “have a sip to drink!”

I tried to explain what had really happened …

“He’s delirious poor soul …” said the woman who first found me on the ground, “he doesn’t know what he’s saying … maybe he hit his head hard as he fell!”

“I did not fall …” I said biting my lip to suppress any insults on my mind, “I went down on my knees voluntarily!”

“Did you want to pray, dear?” she asked patronisingly, "don't be concerned, the Good Lord loves you and will forgive all your sins if you ask Him. You do not have to kneel here in the middle of the car park! He is everywhere, you know?" then turning to the others she mumbled, “he doesn’t know where he is … thinks he’s in church poor soul! It happens to some people with age!”

What a damn cheek ... what did she mean by people with age? I am younger than her and could race her any day at drinking a chocolate milkshake faster than her. Besides, she looked ugly with her condescending religious voice that would turn any man to sin.

At this point the first aider turned up with his bag with a red cross on it. He opened it and asked, “Is he bleeding? Where did he hit his head? Does he want mouth to mouth resuscitation; only I don't like doing that. You don't know what germs you can pick up from a dying man, do you? Have you got any communicable diseases that I should know of, Sir? Or any of a sexual nature?”

Before I could answer something that he would remember for the rest of his life, the assistant manager turned up and asked me, “Are you making a complaint and seeking compensation, Sir? We'll deny all responsibilities, whatever they are. You'd be surprised how many people pretend to have been run over by stationary cars just to claim compensation!”

I remained calm under the circumstances and shouted, "Would you all get the hell out of here ... except this idiot pretending to be the ass manager!"

This gave me the opportunity to explain matters to someone who might be able to listen. They all looked at me in surprise and walked away mumbling to each other.

The assistant manager looked a bit of an idiot; but in dire times a bit of an idiot is better than none.

I told him what happened and assured him I had not intention of making any complaint or seek compensation. I just wanted to leave this stupid car park manned by escaped lunatics.

He went away much relieved. He told me the gate-keeper will let me out if I showed him my parking ticket.

As I reached the exit barrier the attendant there wanted to charge me a fee for overstaying my allotted time.

I had to explain all over again why I had stayed longer than the allotted parking time. He called the assistant manager who asked the attendant to let me out. The attendant refused. An argument ensued between the two of them and neither wanted to give way.

At this point a cashier turned up with a bag of onions in his hands, "are you the gentleman who forgot these at the cash desk?" he asked.

As the assistant manager and the car park attendant were arguing, I got out the car. Put my head through the kiosk opening and pushed a button on the panel marked OPEN. To my surprise, both men ignored me as they continued arguing about company policy.

 

I got in the car and left.

The moral of this story is:

If you enjoy what you read on this blog why not invite others here?

If you knew for certain ...

 

If you knew for certain that the world would end in three days' time; would you return the book you borrowed to the library or not bother?

And if you decide not to bother because of other more pressing things to do; then what are these things which take precedence? (Think hard about this).

And should you decide not to bother returning the book, do you realise that technically speaking this is stealing and you have broken one of the Ten Commandments? How would you explain this to Saint Peter?

And if you do return the book, would you tell the librarian that the world will end in a few days? Would you warn her? (Think hard about this also).

And if you decide not to tell the librarian, or anyone else; is that not being selfish and withholding salvation from someone else? How would you explain this to Saint Peter?

Is it not our duty and responsibility as Christians to tell everyone about eternal life and what they should do to get to Heaven?

I went to see a psychiatrist a few days ago. He was not well and we have to visit the sick, don't we?

I found him lying on his "medical couch" staring at the ceiling.

I sat beside him, picked up a pen and paper and casually said, "Tell me what's troubling you!"

He said, "If you knew for certain that the world would end in three days' time; would you return the book you borrowed to the library or not bother? ... ... ... ... ... "

 

 

CLAIM YOUR MONEY BACK HERE 

Too Hot for church!!!

  

 

I know it's been too hot here lately

 

with temperatures reaching 37*C (99*F) 

 

but really ...

 

This is too much. 

 

And in church too!

 

As soon as I saw them I rushed to the front

 

to tell them to cover up. 

 

What do you think?

 

Please comment below  

 

ONE Question

 

 

How many times

 

is Jesus mentioned

 

in the

 

OLD Testament?

 

Find out

 

HERE 

Happy 250th Anniversary

 

Happy 250th Anniversary

 

to all our

 

American friends.

 

God bless you all. 

The Christian Lounge

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Have you been to The Christian Lounge?

 

It is a Non-Denominational Christian website; a blog; a community of Christians; where we all gather together and share our Christian faith and beliefs with each other, and with a wider world of everyone out there on the Internet who wishes to know more about God and His Son, Jesus.

 

We started publishing various articles six months ago and we already have over 20,000 visitors from the USA, UK and various other countries in Europe and Asia.

 

We have nine dedicated contributors who send us short articles and stories every now and then which we publish on the website. We'd like many more.

 

All you have to do is send us an article of 500-600 words by email and we'll do the rest. Just tell others what God and Jesus mean in your life. There are many out there who do not know God, and what you write may well be their first step in their journey to seek Him. What a privilege this is for you.

 

If you're not ready to join us as a contributor, why not just visit The Christian Lounge and read what others have posted there. Invite your friends also.

 

We have covered a variety of topics like: Who is God? Who is Jesus? The comfort of Scripture, Old Age and Grace, You can make it in difficult times, The Power to heal, and many more.

 

Just spend some time browsing around. Just click on the photo at the top or click HERE   

 

The Christian Lounge needs you. It needs contributors and readers. The more the merrier.

 

Tell everyone about us on your social media as well as friends and family. Or on your Blog.

 

Come visit us. It's cheaper than an amusement park, the cinema, or your favourite burger bar or pizza place.  

 

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GOD BLESS 

Receiving Jesus

Father Ignatius finished reading from Matthew Chapter 8 Verse 5 then waited for the congregation to sit down.

“Imagine,” he said, “that I asked you to share your lunch with me today …

“If I said that Mrs Davenport, our housekeeper, has gone away suddenly and has not prepared Sunday lunch. So instead of staying at home alone with a piece of bread and ginger marmalade, I’d come home with you after Mass and share your meal with you.

“What would you think?”

He waited patiently for a few seconds.

“Would you think … Oh no … I haven’t had time to clean the house. It’s in a right state and I don’t want him to see it this way!

“Or … Not today, without prior notice … All we have at home is a few eggs and some bread …

“What other reasons would cross your mind, I wonder, to stop me from visiting you unannounced?”

After a few seconds’ pause he continued.

“In today’s Gospel we read about a Roman Centurion asking Jesus to heal his servant. And when Jesus agrees and makes his way towards the house the soldier says, ‘I am not worthy that you come into my house …’

“He doesn’t stop Jesus because the house is not clean, or because he has nothing to offer Him by way of refreshments … He says that he is not worthy to have Jesus visit him.

“He is a Roman Officer, a member of an occupying army with many soldiers under his command. He has power over many men and territory. Yet, he does not feel worthy enough to have such an eminent person as Jesus visit his home.

“He goes on to say ‘Just say the word and my servant will be healed!’

“What Faith, from someone who supposedly should have no Faith at all in Jesus! After all, Jesus was considered by the Romans as just another Jew in this occupied land ... nothing special.

“He says to Jesus, ‘I trust you enough and in your power, that you only have to say it, and my servant will be well.’

“And of course Jesus heals the servant without visiting the house.”

Father Ignatius stopped for a few moments once again.

“I wonder if we have similar Faith!” he asked.

“Do we trust Jesus enough to believe that He will listen to our prayers? Or do we harbor some doubts in our minds?

“Are we worthy to have Him visit us in our homes? Or will He be shocked by the cobwebs in every corner of our soul?

“And when we come forward for Holy Communion, and repeat the Centurion’s words, do we really mean them? I am not worthy to receive You ... ... ...

“Or do we hide the cobwebs of sin in our very souls? For make no mistake about it. This is what Communion is … Jesus abiding within your very soul.

“And if there’s sin hidden in our hearts … then we are not worthy indeed to receive Him.”

MORE FATHER IGNATIUS STORIES HERE

My mid-life crisis

 

I've been thinking; when exactly does one have a mid-life crisis and how does it manifest itself? I am asking for a friend.

I looked it up and the AI says:   

A midlife crisis is a period of deep self-doubt and emotional upheaval that typically occurs between the ages of 40 and 65. Triggered by the realization of ageing and mortality, individuals reassess their life choices, leading to desires for drastic changes or a return to youth. 

The thing is; can someone have two mid-life crisis? Only, I can't afford one; I mean that's what my friend says. Having two mid-life crisis is like having two mothers-in-law. You don't want them at the same time.

Life is confusing these days and it is going so fast. No sooner it's Monday than it's the weekend again. And we're always waiting for something to happen: an appointment, a letter, a journey. Even on the news; they always say that something will happen in a while. Whether it is a political situation, economic forecast, weather outlook or whatever. It is always in a while time.

I went to see my therapist lately. The poor guy is having a mid-life financial crisis. No one is seeking his advice on anything. I asked him how did his mid-life financial crisis manifest itself. He said the bank manager closed his account.

He then advised me, on behalf of my friend of course, to take up yoghurt to find inner peace.

Apparently you sit on the floor cross-legged and try to discover your inner-self. I just could not find mine.

The lady instructor went into the plough position and showed the class how to relax

You have to stay in that position pointing your backside upwards. She did not flinch on cheek as she invited all of us to do the same.

I discovered you have to be a contortionist to get into that position. And I am totally the wrong body shape being a wee bit rotund. My legs and arms became totally entangled and I was more disjointed than ever before. I'll tell you something. Having to get into all those difficult positions and stay there for a while ... the only thing I learnt from that yoghurt session was how to hold on from breaking wind for a long period of time.

My wife suggested I take the dog for a walk more often. But the dog was too tired to join me and he did not have a mid-life crisis. I took the cat instead. He has nine lives and at least one of them must be in the middle.

I put the long retractable dog lead/leash on him and we went out. I did not want Tommy to run into the street. Instead, he climbed up a tree and stayed there. I stood by the tree holding the lead pointing upwards. People thought I was taking the tree for a walk.

Some passer-by commented that I was having a mid-life crisis. Or my friend did/does.

The Perils of Charitable Giving

Almost weekly, but particularly more so during Christmas, we receive letters through the post urging us to donate to this and that charity. So much so that you end up feeling guilty if you do not respond to one appeal or another. They all have a sad tale to tell, with photos of people in difficulties, which you can alleviate with any donation you might give.

Some charities even suggest you sponsor or "adopt" as part of your donation. For example they would say that this or that animal is threatened with extinction and if you were to promise to donate a certain sum each month you would "adopt" such an animal. They would send you a photo of the animal, sometimes a cuddly toy too, and every so often a letter "from" the animal telling you how it is doing and how happy it is in the reserve where it is living.

OK ... I go along with this marketing ploy to get you to put your hand in your pocket and donate; each month, for ever more. They do need money after all and every marketing tactic will help.

I remember when I worked for a large company and we were preparing to launch a new product the Marketing Manager asked me: "And which tactic do you prefer?" I responded: "The orange ones!" I did not last long in that firm.

Anyway, back to "adoptions". They are in fact adoptions by proxy. You send the money, they look after the animal in question for you.

After all, it would be ludicrous if they sent you the animal to look after. Can you imagine opening your front door and finding a rhinoceros out there? What would you do with him? You can hardly walk him to the park or play fetch by throwing a ball and have him run to get it back. Even if he were to chase the ball, the chances are he would pierce it with his horn.

The only thing a rhinoceros is good at is running at your jeep, (or similar car), and hitting it hard with his head. Because that's what he has been taught to do in the wild. I have seen in on TV. The interviewer introduces the animal and explains what it's good at and the animal obliges by head-butting the jeep, (or similar car). He would not do it if it was a different type of car or a bicycle for instance.

Anyway, to continue what I was saying, these adoptions are always by proxy. Or so I thought.

They asked us during Advent in church to help with continuous donations to train new priests. I kindly obliged and filled in a form.

Three days before Christmas we had a new trainee priest standing at our door. He came to live with us.

I could not believe it! I never agreed to have a priest living with us. I read the form I signed, and there, in very very small print, it said so in Santa Clause 365 Chapter 366, sub-paragraph you'll be too tired to read thus far: "The priest will live with you until he qualifies as a fully working priest and has gained at least one A Grade in his exams".

Those Catholics had tricked me once again.

Apparently I have to have this priest living with us for I don't know how long. My lawyer said it is until he finishes his training. I hope he is not a slow learner.

Can you imagine what it's like having a priest living with you? I have to mind what I say and do. For a start, I cannot watch Two and a Half Men and the adventures of Charlie Harper on TV. The priest does not approve of that. And there's a limit to how much EWTN I can take. All this religion is doing my head in.

I have even stopped drinking my favourite whisky or can of Guinness. And yet again, there's a limit to how much coffee I can take. I am so wound up I'm likely to lose control soon. Coffee is making me run to the bathroom more often than I like to.

The trainee priest sits there quietly all day reading his books and praying all the time. Every so often he asks us, ever so politely, to test him by asking him questions from his revision books. Questions like "what does ora pro nobis mean?" And other Latin phrases which he has to learn by heart. Does anyone know how to say "Clear off!" in Latin?

Worse of all, since he has been here I have had to be very nice and very good indeed. I am not myself any more. My family have noticed and liked the transformation in me. They say I am a much nicer person. That's what a lack of a good drink does to you and endless hours of EWTN. Even the cat now likes me and sits on my lap purring. It's really too much. Oh ... to be able to sin again!

I went to confession the other day and I had nothing to tell our regular priest. Ever since we've had this trainee priest living with us I have been turning into a Saint. I did not do one thing wrong or bad for ages. Not one impure thought, not one biscuit or chocolate too many, in fact none at all. Not one greedy piece of cake or my favourite cheese. In fact I am losing weight as well as being saintly - maybe it's all those sins washing away.

Can YOU imagine what it would be like having a priest living with you? Seriously now. Think about it. How would it change your life? Would it change you for the better?

Another thought - Jesus is with you right now and every day. How does this affect the way you behave?

Lifetime Regrets

 

Regrets, I've had a few; but then again, too few to mention ...

 

We have all had our fair share of regrets in life. Things we did, or did not do, or things that happened to us and left a mark or a memory in our lives. Hopefully we have learnt from the experience and moved on. But what about when something happens which results in a life-changing experience? You can regret as much as you want but what has happened has happened.

 

This happened to me many years ago. I was on holiday with a group of people in the Lake District and we lived in tents overnight. 

 

One morning I got up early before everyone else, and without telling anyone I went for a walk. I went up this hill and kept walking. It was a nice sunny morning at about 6:00am with a fresh breeze every now and then. I kept walking and going higher and higher. Pretty soon I was on top of the world. I could see the lakes and other mountain tops in the distance and the tent camp down there was nowhere to be seen.

 

It was a stupid and foolhardy thing to do. If I'd slipped and got hurt no one would find me.

 

But I did something more stupid than that. Something I regret to this day.

 

There was a small stream nearby. Water was trickling down the mountain and passing by me a few feet away. I put my hand in the water and drank a little bit. No more than a couple of spoons. It was cold and fresh. I thought nothing of it.

 

Days later, when we all got back home, I noticed one of my ears was itching a bit. I ignored it. The itch continued for a few days. I noticed whilst looking at the mirror that the ear was a little red and seemed slightly bigger in size.

 

I kept looking at the mirror daily. Sometimes more that once a day. The redness had gone, and also the itch. But the ear seemed to be growing. Or was it my imagination?

 

Eventually, I went to see the doctor. He humoured me and said peoples' ears do grow bigger as they get older. I challenged him and said surely both would grow bigger at the same rate. He said not always. 

 

I ignored the doctor and in time I ignored the ear growing too. Another thing I regret.

 

Have you noticed that I never post photos of myself on this Blog or on social media?

 

I now have an ear measuring six inches from top to bottom. Yes - six inches. The other two are much bigger than that!

THE FINAL FRONT EAR