Happiness

 

 

 

What is Happiness to you? 

To me, happiness is waking up in the morning and finding there is no one else sleeping in the park bench beside me. 

 

Happiness to me is getting home and finding a piece of cheese in the mousetrap. This is double happiness because it means we have no mice. And also I can have some cheese and biscuits for supper.

Money may not buy you happiness; but I guess it can rent it for a while. 

 

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family, that lives in another town far away.

Happiness is the interval between disappointments.

Happiness is when your dentist says it won't hurt, then he cuts his hand on the drill.

I never really knew what happiness is until I got married; by then it was too late! (I hope my wife does not read this).

 

 WEBSITE HERE

There was a woman in my bed

 

It was late in the evening when I entered my hotel room. It had been a long day at work with one meeting following another, and then I had to attend a Conference where they discussed ways to extrapolate sales and costs figures against profits in order to estimate how many paper clips we’ll need five years from now. It was so exhilarating that I could not sleep at all throughout the Conference.

Anyway, I got to my hotel room late and got myself in by using one of those electronic cards you put in a slot and the door opens. I did not bother to switch all lights on. A small light shone from a nearby table-lamp and this was enough. I intended to fall into bed and dream of better days.

As I took my jacket off a man got out of the en-suite bathroom in his pajamas. Why he had an en-suite bathroom in his pajamas I do not know. Maybe he was rich and could afford an en-suite bathroom in his pajamas; whilst the rest of us have to be content with an elastic band or a cord to keep our pajama pants up.

I don’t know what nationality he was, but as soon as he saw me the man said: “Qui êtes-vous? Que faites-vous ici?”

I know exactly what he said because I remember writing it down at the time. I then took out a dictionary to translate but could not understand a word. It was an Italian dictionary.

The man shouted at me and beckoned me to get out of my room. At which point an enormously rotund woman got up from my bed and she too started shouting at me “Allez-vous en!  Allez-vous en!” and waving her hands in the air. 

I wrote that down too but could not find a translation in my Italian dictionary.

I picked up my jacket and as I turned to get out I accidentally knocked a large wicker basket which was on the table beside me. The top of the basket opened and a flock of pigeons came flying out into the room. They flew everywhere, trying to land on something high up. Luckily the bedroom door was shut and they eventually settled on the wardrobe, hanged from the chandelier, (it was a posh hotel), and one settled on the man’s head.

There was cooing and flapping of wings everywhere. A few feathers floated in the air before settling to the ground. The pigeons did what most animals do when frightened and started leaving deposits everywhere. Including on the man’s head.

I was totally stunned by what had just happened and stood perfectly still. The rotund woman picked up the phone on the bedside table and started shouting in broken English “pee john pee john …”

Moments later a hotel porter entered the room and disturbed all the pigeons which started flying all over again and dropping deposits all over the place.

We waited until they had settled down and then he asked me “Why do you have pigeons in your room, Sir? Pets are not allowed in this hotel!”

I was astounded that he asked me about the pigeons and had totally ignored the fact that I also had a rotund woman in my bed and a man with an en-suite bathroom in his pajamas.

He asked for my electronic card which he tested on the door. It worked. He then took the man’s electronic card. It worked too.

You guessed it. It was a double booking and we’d both been given the same cards.

I picked up my luggage and was moved to another room.

By now you may be asking why there were pigeons in a wicker basket in my room.

Simple.

I was told the man was a magician and he used the pigeons in his act by making them appear and disappear out of a hat. Apparently his wife, whilst younger and less rotund, was a stripper and she too used the pigeons in her act. For an encore the pigeons used to take their feathers off! 

NOTE 

This was an excerpt from my memoirs "AS I QUOTE MYSELF". A book full of misadventures and mishaps to make you laugh out loud, or at least to smile.

PLEASE CLICK HERE

Little house on the prairie

 

There I was at home watching Little House on the Prairie on TV. 

Little House on the Prairie is a great program to watch after a nice meal, a few glasses of wine and port or brandy to follow. Especially at Christmas, even though it was not Christmas just then. You can sit there on your favourite armchair, half-asleep, your eyes closed and you don't care what happens on the prairie because it will all end well in the end.  

As I was half watching the program the front door bell did not ring. Someone was pressing it hard several times but it was not ringing. Of course, I did not know this at the time. Eventually I was alerted to that fact by heavy knocking on the door. 

I got up and opened the door, brandy glass still in hand.

It was a stranger. He said to me, "Your door bell does not work!"

"It usually does," I replied, pressing the door bell and it rang perfectly.

He did not answer but pressed the doorbell button and it did not ring.

"That's strange!" I said pressing the button and it rang again. I was confused and perplexed; in that order and in quick succession.

"Perhaps it's because I'm on the inside and you on the outside," I said stupidly and not making sense. I handed him the brandy glass and asked him to step inside. I got out and shut the door. I pressed the bell and it did not ring.

"You're right," he said, "this is a nice brandy, by the way. What are you watching on TV?"

I could hear him walk away. He changed the channel and I could hear horse racing on TV.

I knocked frantically on the door but he ignored me.

"Let me in ..." I shouted through the letterbox.

"In a moment," he replied, "I'm watching this race. I have a bet on the favourite horse ..."

"I'll call the police ..." I shouted again, "this is breaking and entering."

"I did not break anything," he said over the TV commentary which he turned up louder, "I entered because you let me in! Remember?"

I crouched down and continued the conversation through the letter box. "This is robbery!" I shouted at him.

"I stole nothing," he shouted back, "you offered me the brandy! Remember that?"

"But ... but ... but ..." I was at a loss for words and I did not have my Roget's Thesaurus to help me express myself eloquently as I usually does ... did ... do ... yes do!

"No buts about it," he continued, "you invited me in, gave me a drink, and let me watch your TV!"

"Aha ... there you are wrong!" I retorted, "I did not let you watch the TV. You usurped your position as an un-invited guest to sit in the comfort of my armchair, and benefit from the viewing of my TV, thus in effect stealing my electricity ipso facto as well as my right and privilege to enjoy whatever program I wish in the safety and pleasure of my own domain!"

(Did I ever tell you I'm a trained lawyer?)

This had its good effect. He switched off the TV, opened the door and said, "My horse has lost!"

Then he walked away nonchalantly down the road.       

It was pointless stopping him and phoning the police.

Did Jesus restrict His Divinity?

 

Let us start with the fact that Jesus is God and has always existed as a Spirit - just like God the Father and the Holy Spirit. Jesus did not begin to exist when He was born as a baby. That is when He took human form. He was/is fully God and fully man.

Yet, being God, when Jesus walked this earth He restricted His Divinity. For example, unlike God, Jesus was not everywhere at the same time. He restricted His presence to being in one place at a time; just like humans do. He travelled at the same speed and in the same restricted locations as His contemporaries. He is not known to have travelled beyond what we call the Holy Land. He did not visit Europe or anywhere else.

Today, as a Spirit, Jesus is with you right now wherever you are reading this, and at the same time He is also with me and with other people. Jesus is in Heaven as a Spirit and also in human form. Christians expect His coming back to earth in human form. 

Admittedly, all this may be difficult to comprehend; but we need to accept it as a fact. Jesus always existed as a Spirit and became man through human birth through the Holy Spirit.

When He walked this earth Jesus did use His Divine powers to heal the sick, to raise the dead, and to perform many miracles. He also used His powers to read peoples' thoughts especially when they wished to trick Him with their questions. These Divine powers are/were given to Him by His Father God in Heaven.

The Disciples performed miracles too. But they performed miracles in the name of Jesus. It was through the power of Jesus and the Holy Spirit that they performed these miracles and not through their own powers.  

Miracles do happen today. They are not restricted to the past. They are performed in the name of Jesus and not the person (Saint) to whom one has prayed.

The important point to note in all this is that Jesus restricted His powers voluntarily. Can you imagine that? The Creator God of the universe and all that is in it descending to earth as a human being and restricted Himself to our limits in order to maintain a level playing field with humanity. 

When Jesus was arrested He said to Pilate “My kingdom is not of this world. If it were, my servants would fight to prevent my arrest by the Jewish leaders. But now my kingdom is from another place.” (John 18:36). It signifies that His rule and authority originate from a Divine, heavenly realm rather than from earthly, political, or military power.

The only Divine power Jesus did not restrict Himself to was the power to do good. Every one of His miracles performed was for the benefit of someone else. 

That is the limitless enormity of His love for us.

It happened like this

Well Judge ... your honour. It happened like this.

It was Saturday and I was helping out at my friend's Pete's Garage. He runs a small garage in Acacia Avenue, do you know it? Where he fixes cars and does maintenance and so on. The garage has a sign in bright red. It says "Pete's Garage" on it.

I am not a mechanic, your honour. I was helping him in the office. Answering the phone, filing papers, counting paper clips, doing some reception work and so on. Meeting customers as well. The people who come in to have their cars fixed.

Unbeknown to me ... that is ... I did not know anything about it your honour. One of Pete's employees, Tobias is his name. Well he came to work late and he was totally and utterly drunk. No way could you say he was as sober as a judge, your honour. Certainly not as sober as you are right now.

As it happens, Tobias had been out at a party the night before. That is Friday night; this being Saturday. I know it is not Saturday right now, but it was Saturday when all this happened.

As I was saying, Tobias was totally drunk. Drunk as a skunk ... he was. Really drunk as hell, if you pardon the expression, your honour. May the Good Lord forgive me.

He did not know the time of day ... that's the drunk Tobias, not the Good Lord. The Good Lord always knows the time of day.

Tobias did not know the time of day even though he was wearing a watch at the time. He did not even know what planet he was on, even though his colleagues asked him what on earth he was doing getting drunk. I tell you, your honour, he did not even know his elbow from another part of his anatomy, even though each bit of his body is labelled by a tattoo.

Anyway, his colleagues and friends, Matthias and Gareth, being loyal to Tobias, did not want Pete, their boss, to find out because he would fire Tobias. They suggested he hides and sleeps it off before Pete gets back to the garage from delivering a car. But there was nowhere to hide him to get some sleep.

Then they realised that there was a hearse in the garage which had come in for a simple job to be done. Engine needed a change of oil. So they laid Tobias down on the flat bit at the back of the hearse, you know ... where they put the coffin, and they covered him up with a piece of cloth. There was no coffin in the hearse at the time, your honour.

As I said, all this happened unbeknown to me, and to Pete, because he was out on delivery.

Later that afternoon, Pete asked me if I wouldn't mind delivering the hearse to Doug M Deep and Reego Mortice, the Funeral Directors. This is because Pete was short-handed especially since everyone was busy and Tobias had not turned up for work. He had really, but he was asleep at the back of the hearse, unbeknown to Pete and me on account that we did not know about it.

Well ... as I was driving the hearse, Tobias at the back woke up ... I got such a fright and turned sharply left and ran over your cat, you honour, and landed the hearse in your duck pond disturbing a mother duck which was nesting at the time.

It was not me who was driving under the influence of drink. It was Tobias waking up from under the influence of drink.

When the police came they obviously mixed me up with Tobias by mistake and said I was driving under the influence of drink. But I assure you not a drop passed my lips that day, although several drops ran down my legs when it all happened.

I am sorry about the loss of your cat Pancake who was flattened with him being run over by the hearse. I did offer at the time to drive him to Doug M Deep and Reego Mortice, the Funeral Directors, but your wife who came out of the house on hearing the commotion said a few words which I would rather not repeat here in Court you honour.

I am also sorry for all the broken duck eggs which were in the nest at the time. I did offer to buy some more eggs from the supermarket but your wife said a few more words which I would rather not repeat to you.

I think she was upset.

So you see ... your honour, it was not me who caused the accident, but it was Tobias who caused it by waking up from what I thought he was dead, even though I did not know that he was at the back of the hearse at the time, whether dead or alive, but in fact asleep because of him having been drinking excessively the night before. Which was Friday.

And this is how I plead, your honour.

I wish to add that I did offer at the time to replace the dead cat; and your wife did say that she did not want me around the **** house purring all day and filling the litter tray with my unmentionables.

This is an excerpt from my book 

MUCH ADO ABOUT LAUGHTER

I laughed so much writing it that I wrote it sitting down.

CLICK HERE

 

 

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CLICK HERE 

 

I saw the light

 

Hank Williams 

Abortion

 

 

 

 

SONG SAVES TWENTY BABIES 

 Some years ago Father Francis recorded a Pro-Life song entitled A Cry from the Heart. 

The song has saved many babies from abortion. Their pregnant mothers heard the song and decided not to proceed with abortion. 

 

 

 Mommy keep me safe, mommy keep me warm

Handle me with care, mommy help me to form.

I am ten weeks old, and I know the time will come
when you will give birth to me.

The gift you gave to me are a pair of bright blue eyes
So some day I will see you smile and love me.

I’ve already got my arms and a little podgy nose,
And at the end of my feet I’ve got five little toes.

I look forward to my life, ice cream and slimy snails,
teddy bears and little fairy tales.

Going for walks in the park
Running home before it’s dark.
And being tucked into bed with a kiss.

Where are we going today?
Am I in a boat or bus?

Why are we lying down?
Being drawn on four wheels?

And we go through the door
and there’s people dressed in green.
Everything seems so strange and so clean.

Mommy if they hurt you just let out a scream
and I know someone will come to help you and me.

Mommy what’s going on I am starting to cry
Come quickly they are forcing me to die.

They are killing me mommy, they are pulling me apart
My arms and my legs and now they’re at my heart.

And I won’t see the sky, or the grass or the trees.
and I won’t see the moon, or feel the breeze.

I love you mommy dear, you know I really do
But I only wish you could have loved me too!

 

 

 

FATHER FRANCIS MAPLE

 

WEBSITE CLICK HERE

 

FATHER FRANCIS BOOKS

 

AMAZON LINK HERE 

Keep it under my hat

The rules in our office are quite clear and strict. We should not bring any pets to work.

Why is it then that some people insist on “bending the rules” when in reality they are outright breaking them and risking severe disciplinary action; if not being fired from the job altogether.

For example someone brought a kitten in one of those carrying cases because the creature was not too well and its owner was on her way to the vet after work. Admittedly, the cat did not leave the carrying case or cage at any time, and was only in the office for a couple of hours, having been collected from home at lunch time. But if the boss had come in I’m sure that person would have been reprimanded or probably lost her job; especially since the boss is allergic to cats.

What if I had a hippopotamus as a pet, or a crocodile? Would it be OK for me to bring them to work on my way to the vet?

You think I’m exaggerating don’t you? Well, I’m not.

Last week someone brought in a chameleon or lizard type creature. I don’t know what it was. All I know is it was about three inches long and it was ugly; even though it was supposed to be a baby of the species.

Apparently some colleagues had been talking about unusual pets a few days earlier and one of them decided to bring this reptile to show the others. The animal was brought to work in a shoe box and taken out to show everyone. It jumped out of the owner’s hand and ran on the large conference table where we were supposed to have a meeting.

Yes … you’ve guessed it. The boss came to the meeting a few minutes earlier than expected.

Everyone panicked and froze … except Joe. He’s a quick thinker and a bit too clever for comfort.

He quickly grabbed my hat from the coat stand … yes, my expensive cowboy type hat with the long feather on the side … I call it a plume, not a feather … more stylish!

Anyway, Joe picked up my hat and as quick as a flash put it on the lizard trapping him underneath.

Everyone kept a straight face … or tried to. I noticed one or two badly concealed smirks and one person was literally going red in the face trying to hold back a guffaw of laughter as well as nature’s release mechanism.

I was furious of course. My expensive hat used as a cage and a subject of subterfuge. Can you imagine that? And it’s silk lined on the inside. I dread to think what that wretched creature is doing under there.

I said nothing of course. I could hardly risk someone else losing their job; even though my precious hat was the real victim here.

I sat at the place nearest to the hat and we all started the meeting.

The boss sat at the far end and did not seem to notice even though once or twice the hat moved on the table all on its own.

This led to the person nearest me to laugh quietly and then stifle a sneeze.

The boss said “Bless you” and for some stupid reason I replied “Thank you!”

Why do I do silly things like that? What possessed me to say “Thank you”?

Luckily the boss did not notice who had sneezed.

At the end of the meeting my boss suggested he and I visit one of our suppliers who is only half a mile away from our office.

I put on my coat and followed him when he said: “Put on your hat … it’s a little cold out there and we’re walking!”

Everyone froze again and fixed their eyes on my hat on the table.

I had to think and act quickly … very difficult when you can’t multi-task!

I picked up the hat in a scooping motion and put it on my head.

You should have seen everyone’s face when they saw nothing on the table where the hat once was. I was proud of myself and my magical sleight of hand.

My quick triumph quickly faded as I felt the lizard grappling tightly at my hair. I kept a straight face and left the room hurriedly after my boss.

On our way there, as we walked down the street, the silly creature tried to escape once or twice by raising my hat off my head. The boss didn’t see it, but a passerby thought I was saluting him by lifting my hat and he did the same with his.

I pushed the hat further down my head so that the brim was almost at eye level. That should trap him solid … I thought.

In response the vindictive reptile started pulling at my hair struggling to get out. The pain was agonizing but I could hardly do anything about it. How could I possibly explain the situation to my boss if he found out what’s under my hat?

He would hardly take me seriously after such an incident.

We walked side by side with him doing most of the talking about some budgetary situation or other and me making un-intelligent noises more as a response to pain than contribution to the discussion. At one point as I grunted he said “Well … I’m glad you agree with this. Perhaps you can go ahead and implement it.” I had no idea what I had agreed to.

As we approached the suppliers’ premises I felt a wet feeling under my hat as no doubt the lizard decided on a new plan of attack in order to get free.

We entered the building and a young lady offered to take my coat and hat. I gave her my coat and decided to crumple my hat and its content quickly into my briefcase.

She noticed my head and hair were wet and I said “It’s been raining …” as I wiped it off with my handkerchief.

Why did I say such a stupid thing? Does it often rain under peoples’ hats where you come from?

After the meeting with the suppliers I left my boss, went to a coffee bar where I rang the reptile’s owner and asked him to meet me there and collect his pet.

I am now looking for a new hat. The silk lining in mine has been torn to shreds.

 

NOTE: This was an excerpt from the book "A CHUCKLE A DAY"

 

Download your copy FREEEEEEEEE from HERE 

 

Funny Books

 

Here's Another Prayer - Over and Out

 

I was on my knees praying the other day. I started by praying for my family, relatives, friends, acquaintances, colleagues, people in our church, and you my readers. I often pray for people by name, and if I know something about their needs I mention that too. 

Then God spoke to me.

He said, "There are over 7 billion people on earth, yet 90% of the prayers I receive are from you. Give it a rest will you and let someone else have a chance!"

Seriously, I think I've made my point. 

God likes to hear our prayers but He does not need a headache from us.

When we pray it is good to mention people we love who need our intercession. But God does not need us to repeat over and again the same prayer for each individual by name including their zip code. It is good to pray for other people. It shows a generosity of spirit on our part and an act of love towards someone else. At the very least, when we pray for someone we should have enough faith and trust that God will act in His own way, and in His own time, in accordance to His will, towards that individual and situation. 

He does not need us to tell Him what to do for each person in each circumstance they are in. You'd be surprised how many people wish to serve God in an advisory capacity. Thank you but no thanks; He knows what to do and does not need your advice.

Prayer in itself is a sign of faith. It shows that we believe there is Someone there listening to our petitions. Otherwise we're just talking to ourselves.

Christ taught us to start our prayer with the words "Our Father". Not our King, our Leader, Master, Emperor, Boss or similar title. This was to establish our relationship with God in prayer. It is similar to the relationship between a child and a loving parent.

The parent already knows our needs and will provide for them; yet he likes to hear from his children all the same.

There's nothing wrong in asking God for favours for ourselves and others. But we do so in expectation that He will respond. Not an impertinent entitled expectation; but a hopeful expectation that He knows  what is best for us and our loved ones.

Prayer is like a constant always open "chat" call to God. At any time of the day, whatever the circumstances, we turn our thoughts to Him and ask on behalf of someone in need. It only takes a second or two. I often pray silently when someone in conversation tells me of their problems. 

It's a two-way call to God. We need to listen to Him and not constantly talk so He can't get a word in edgeways! 

SUGGESTION: Every day, ask God to send you someone you can help. I did. He took me seriously and now I am inundated with people needing my help. 

PRAY MORE

PRAY BETTER

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SEE WHAT YOU'VE BEEN MISSING 

 

WHICH IS YOUR FAVOURITE? 

Love? What love?

I was reading a letter the other day from a man named Paul to some friends of his in Corinth. Here’s what he says:

“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.” 1 Corinthians 13:1-3.

Wow !!! That’s powerful stuff I thought. If we have Faith to move mountains yet have not love it counts for nothing. Even if we give all we own to the poor? I’m not so sure about the burning body bit; but this man is over the top I tell you.

Let’s see what Jesus has to say about this. Better go to the expert, I always say.

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbour as yourself.” Matthew 22:37-39.

What?

Presumably by neighbour Jesus means everyone around us. The whole of humanity. That's a big ask I tell you!

Some people are just not lovable. He created them so He should know. 

Like the guy driving that big van this morning and keeping a distance of just three inches from the back of my car? And hooting his horn time and again even though I was driving within the speed limit. Perhaps he was in a hurry to go to the toilet !

Or like that obnoxious pompous boss at work who seems to delight in making everyone suffer?

Are we supposed to love such people?

Jesus goes on to say:

"But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you." Luke 6:27-31.

This is way too much love I tell you. 

And there I was thinking that going to Heaven is a matter of ticking the right boxes:

Baptism? Done that. Tick.

Go to church on Sundays? Done that. Tick.

A few more ticks here and there and my passport and visa are ready for me to enter Heaven !!!

On reflection, being a Christian is much more difficult than it seems at first.

"Not everyone who calls me 'Lord, Lord' will enter the Kingdom of Heaven, but only those who do what my Father in Heaven wants them to do." Matthew 7:21.

In other words – There are no parrots in Heaven. 

I'll never understand women

 

I have mentioned it before, the fact is, I will never understand women.

Louise is a friend of ours. She’s single and she is very beautiful. She lives not far from us.

I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up our driveway and knocked on our door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, "I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are you doing anything?"

I was surprised at this overt suggestion. I replied hesitantly, "Nope, I’m free!"

"Great" she said, "Can you watch my dog?"

I mean ... what if we were going out this evening? Who would have baby-sat her dog?

Here's another example. In London a few days ago, I was walking towards the railway station on my way home, when this woman stops me in the street and said, "Do you want a good time?"

I must have misheard her because I said, "It's quarter past seven!" 

She replied, "Thanks for nothing" and walked away.

What was all that about? I don't understand. 

And another example about women ... last week I helped a woman from our Prayer Group mow the lawn because she'd hurt her leg and could not do it herself. When I finished she said with a smile, "I could marry you!"

I couldn't believe it! You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life for ever.

My wife is just as enigmatic.  It was very strange. It was about 11:30 pm last Wednesday night. It was very dark outside when suddenly she shouted, "Golf ... Golf ... Golf ... That's all you speak about. That's all you do. Golf ... Always golf!"

I tell you. It was out of the blue, and I was startled out of my life. I never expected to see her on the golf course at that time of night shouting at the top of her voice.

I never complain about her and her habits. I could be watching something serious on TV like a political program when she would say, "we used to have a car like this one, do you remember?"

And she'd expect an answer, by which time I would have missed the point that politician was making.

Or I could be watching a documentary and they show a country somewhere ... say Canada for instance ... and she'd say "Justin Bieber is from Canada ... so is Shania Twain ..."

Well, that information certainly enriched my life, don't you think? By the time I digested and ignored this ground-breaking piece of non-information I have missed once again what they were saying on TV.

On my birthday she bought me two silk ties. We were going out for a meal so I decided to wear one of them. As soon as she saw me she said, "What's wrong with the other one?"

At the restaurant there were a young couple sitting a few tables away. It was obvious they were still in the early phase of love. 

My wife looked at them and said, "Just look at that couple over there, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing it softly. He held the chair for her when they sat at table. He caresses her arm every now and then. Why can’t you do the same?"

I replied, "Are you mad? I barely know that woman!"

I got the silent treatment throughout our meal.

As I said, I'll never understand women!

Not for the ladies

 

 

THIS POST IS NOT FOR LADIES

OR PEOPLE WHO ARE EASILY OFFENDED

 

I was at a business conference held in a hotel up North. At the same time as our conference there was a clowns gathering. There were clowns from all over the country there. All dressed in their circus costume in bright colours and most of them with red noses, painted faces, and orange, or blue or green hair.

In short, the place was full of clowns holding their own annual gathering. 

I went to the Gents Restroom. There was a clown there holding a small dog and wearing those very long oversized shoes for comedic effect. You know the ones ... those shoes long at the front which allow you to lean forwards well out of the centre of gravity yet you do not fall on your face.

When I got in he asked me if I could hold his small dog so he could "point Percy at the porcelain" as they say in my circles.

I held the dog; but just as he approached the urinal he discovered that he was quite a distance away from it in order to do his business. He tried to lean forwards but that only brought his head near the receptacle, not his ...

He tried to twist his feet sideways, looking like a pregnant duck, so that he could approach nearer, but that did not help either.

He looked at me in despair as if to say "I REALLY must go ... can't hold it any longer."

I suggested he takes his shoes off. He said he could not do that because somehow they were attached to a contraption up his trouser legs which allowed him to lean forwards out of the centre of gravity. They were not ordinary shoes but a whole contraption fitting round his legs and feet.

I suggested he "goes like a lady" by sitting down in one of the cubicles. 

That did not work either because with his big feet the cubicle door would not shut. 

If he sat on the throne with the door open he'd be in full view of everyone ... and the dog. 

Also, the cubicle was not wide enough for him to turn round if he went in facing forwards. So he backed into the cubicle. That did not work either because he discovered that his one piece costume would mean he has to get totally undressed. He'd only just met me ... remember. We were not friends or anything like that for him to disrobe in my presence! Besides, it would scandalise the dog seeing him naked.

Just at this moment some colleague of mine came in.

He looked at me, then the clown, then the dog, then at me and said nothing. He did his business.

I stopped him from leaving and explained the problem. 

He thought for a moment and then came up with the most ludicrous idea you could think of. 

He suggested that the two of us pick up the clown, turn him upside down, and slowly bring him closer to the urinal so he can do his business.

Picture the scene. Two men in business suits, pick up a clown with big feet and turn him upside down, they slowly and in unison approach the bowl, whilst he opens his zipper and gets relief.

I put the dog on the ground. Pushed a chair behind the door so that the small dog does not escape if anyone comes in.

We picked up the clown. As we got him in position upside down he said he was ticklish and started wriggling and laughing like a live eel chasing its partner. 

He slipped through our fingers and fell with a bump on his head. His laughter turned to cries just as the loudspeaker on the wall called me and my colleague back to the Conference Hall.

We ran out of the Gents Restroom and left him there with his dog. I did not want to get caught manhandling a clown bursting for a wee!

Now that's a sentence I never thought I'd hear myself say:  I did not want to get caught manhandling a clown bursting for a wee!

Later on I saw him in the car park with his dog. He was still holding it ... the dog!

The Invisible Spiritual World