Friday, 27 May 2022

Carpaccio

 

I think cars should not be made in the same colour. It is very confusing. Cars should be manufactured in slightly different colours with no two cars the same. I wrote to a number of car manufacturers and they have all ignored me.

I'll tell you what sparked this whole thing. A few months ago I went to a famous theatre for a ballet performance. I don't like the ballet; but I went with a few business colleagues as part of a work's outing. I don't understand why ballet dancers have to stand on tiptoe. Why can't they hire taller dancers?

Anyway, after the performance I went to the car park and I mistakenly tried to get into a car the same colour as mine. But it was not my car. 

I drive a twenty years old mini. The car I tried to enter was a new Rolls Royce. But it was the same colour. Easy mistake to make.

Do you agree that cars should not be the same colour?

NOTE: Carpaccio has nothing to do with cars. It is an Italian hors-d'oeuvre consisting of thin slices of raw beef or fish served with a sauce.

Do you like carpaccio? 

Do you like cars?

Do you like gaspacho? It's an hors-d'oeuvre made of gas.

Thursday, 26 May 2022

I Don't Look Good Naked Anymore

THE SNAKE OIL WILLIE BAND

 
Well, my body could use a little slimmin'
I keep my shirt on when I go swimmin'
And I ain't seen my feet since 1984
The old lady wants to roll in the hay
We turn the lights down all the way
Cuz I don't look good naked anymore
 
 No I don't look good naked anymore
I'm a deep-fried, double-wide version of the man I was before
If I keep on like I'm doing
I won't fit through the door
And I don't look good naked anymore

Well, I used to be a hell of a man
I chopped wood with just one hand
But I can't do the things I've done before
Well, it all happened kinda slow
But I guess I kinda let myself go
Now I don't look good naked anymore
 
 No I don't look good naked anymore
I'm a deep-fried, double-wide version of the man I was before
If I keep on like I'm doing
I won't fit through the door
And I don't look good naked anymore

With each and every passing year
Came a lot of french fries and beer
And my belly hung a little closer to the floor
Now my belly is big as a truck
And the old lady don't wanna--
SHE DON'T WANNA!
Cuz I don't look good naked anymore
 
 No I don't look good naked anymore
I'm a deep-fried, double-wide version of the man I was before
If I keep on like I'm doing
I won't fit through the door
And I don't look good naked anymore

No I don't look good naked anymore
I'm a deep-fried, double-wide version of the man I was before
If I keep on like I'm doing
I won't fit through the door
And I don't look good naked anymore
No I don't look good naked anymore

Wednesday, 25 May 2022

It's About Time

 

Yesterday, MEVELY wrote on her Blog about time. But because of the space time continuum distortion as explained by Einstein I read her article before she wrote it.

"How is this possible?" I heard you say before you even thought it.

"It's simple," you should have heard me say had you been paying attention. 

You see, as Einstein explained, it is because time bends in the presence of gravity. 

This is something many old people have experienced every time they bend down to pick up something from the floor. They feel the pains of many years on their backs. 

Also, if they stand naked in front of a mirror they plainly see the effects of gravity on their body.

All of which gives rise to great hilarity and a sense of freedom.

Einstein also explained about time dilation. This means the expansion of time in real terms. Remember when you were young how slow time seemed to pass? Especially when you were looking forwards to something nice like a birthday party, a visit to the cinema, or boring Aunt Melba to go home so you can watch TV or play with your toys.

But as you get older that same time seems to go much faster and as soon as you wake up in the morning it is time to brush your teeth and go back to bed, and you've forgotten to go to the bathroom.

That's time dilation. Looking at it another way; let's imagine a circular piece of elastic. Like the one holding up a pair of underpants. As a person's waist gets larger and larger the elastic band stretches and dilates and the underpants remain in place. However, there comes a time when the elastic can stretch no longer and it gives up altogether revealing the effects of gravity on the body as we discussed previously.

Einstein also pointed out the effect of time on distance. Because the earth circumference is over 24,000 miles, and the earth spins once every 24 hours; then if you stand at the Equator you would be travelling at 1000 miles an hour. That's enough to blow your wig off.

However, if you stand at the North Pole, you will turn round on yourself once every day. How slow is that compared to your friend on the Equator? If you stand at the South Pole you'll get dizzy because you're upside down and the blood will rush to your head.

Did you know that my uncle Herbert the Eighth discovered the East Pole? It's somewhere on the Equator but he could not pin it down because it was going so fast.

Finally, scientists have discovered that time affects men and women differently. If you don't believe me, try waiting in the car to go somewhere important whilst your wife is still trying to decide what dress she will wear, what shoes will match the dress, and then start to apply all that face make-up on.     

Tuesday, 24 May 2022

Henry VIII

 

Pay attention everyone. Today's English history lesson is about King Henry VIII.

Now here's a tip for all of you history enthusiasts. Remember, in English history the answer to any question is more often than not Henry VIII.

Just answer Henry VIII and the chances are you are right. Here are some examples:

Name a popular English King - Henry VIII

Who broke away from the Catholic Church - Henry VIII

Who had his wives killed - Henry VIII

Name a song by Herman's Hermits - I'm Henry VIII I am

What is the capital of England - Henry VIII

Name three ways to cook a potato - Henry VIII, Henry VIII and Henry VIII

Every question you are likely to be asked about English history, geography, politics, economics, and any other subject the answer is likely to be Henry VIII

Did you know that during Henry VIII's reign there was a grain famine. He told his people to kill vermin that eat grains like mice, rats, and such like and he will pay them money if they handed the dead creature to the Local Authorities. Amongst the creatures on the list was the kite; a bird of prey. Someone pointed to him that the kite eats mice and birds, not grain. So in a way he was contributing to the war against vermin. Why put him on the list of creatures to be hunted? King Henry VIII reminded the people as to who was King, and the kite remained on the list.

Also, did you know that Henry VIII was short-sighted? His helmet had glass spectacles fitted to them so he could see better. The Tudors were far more advanced than we gave them credit for.

In Henry VIII's time football was a favourite pastime played between two villages. The ball was a pig's bladder and they started the game at a mid-point between two villages several miles apart. The idea was to get the ball into your village. The whole village population would play and there were no rules or referee. Anything goes. Just fight everyone else and get the ball to your village. Many people got injured and hurt. In 1540 Henry VIII banned the game because he needed soldiers for his army and too many people were getting injured and maimed playing football.

Henry VIII is best remembered as having many wives. Do you know how many? The video below will explain it all.



Monday, 23 May 2022

Sir Laugh-A-Lot

 


Last night I was walking down the street when I saw a guy trying to grab an old lady’s purse, so I ran over to help. We got it off her eventually.

======================

I went for a job interview today and the interviewer said to me, “According to your CV, you’re really quick at mental arithmetic.”

I said, “Yes, that’s right.”

He asked me, “Okay, what’s eighteen multiplied by nineteen?”

I replied, “Thirty-nine.”

He said, “No, that’s not even close.”

I said, “No, but it was quick.”

======================

I’m worried my wife is getting forgetful. She’s just told me she can’t remember what she ever saw in me.

======================

My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my home, then I got a ride from the delivery guy. Cheaper than a taxi and I got a pizza as well.

======================

In the furniture store, the sales guy told me the sofa would sit five people without any problems. Then it occurred to me, I don’t know five people without any problems. Have you got a problem? Come round so we can discuss it.

======================

A guy is walking through the woods one day when he comes across a suitcase. He takes a look inside, only to find a fox and her cubs.

So he rings the Animal Welfare people and tells the woman who answers what he’s found. She says, “Oh, that’s horrible. Are they moving?”

The guy replies, “I don’t know, but that would explain the suitcase.”

======================

A student reports for her university final exam which consists mainly of  true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.

"I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."


======================

This woman’s husband had been ill in hospital for several months. He is sadly nearing the end but she remained faithfully by his bedside every single day.

 

Then one day, he motioned for her to come nearer to him.

 

As she moved closer and sat beside him, with eyes filling with tears he whispered into her ear, “You know what? You’ve been with me through all the tough times. When I got fired from my job, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there for me. When I got shot during a hunting accident, you were by my side all the time. When we lost the house, you stayed right here with me. And even when my health started failing, you were still by my side … You know what?”

 

“What dear,” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth, her eyes welling with tears.

 

He said, “I think you’re bad luck …”

======================

My wife said she’s leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants.

Guess I won’t be needing those any more.

======================

My boss pulled up to work in a beautiful new top-of-the-range car today.

I complimented him on it and he said to me, “Well, if you get your head down and work hard, set goals and stay committed to them, be determined and work long hours…. maybe next year I can get an even better one.”

Sunday, 22 May 2022

A Happy Blog

 

The other day was a beautiful sunny day. Not too hot with a slight fresh breeze every now and then.

Once again I was away from home with time on my hands. I decided to sit at an open air bar and read a newspaper. Having looked at the various headlines on offer I felt it was too nice a day to be spoilt with negative story-lines and bad news.

So I sat at a table nursing a long cool drink and looked inside my attaché-case for something to read. There I found an old copy of “Prison to Praise” by Merlin R Carothers. I must have read it several times. So I took it out for a quick read.

It’s one of a series of Praise books by the same author, in which he teaches we should praise God at all times, even when times are bad and things go wrong. Worth a read!

I was still reading when the waitress came to take my lunch order.

So I sat there with nothing much to do – and I was good at doing it too.

The restaurant was busy and the service very slow – but no matter, I had time on my hands and it helped me contemplate about the past, the present, and what may happen to me in the future too. Hopefully with God at my side.

Eventually, the waitress asked me: Have you had your dessert sir?

Actually, no.

What was it you ordered?

Well … it was so long ago I really can’t remember.

She smiled and said she’ll check and bring it to me straight-away.

Moments later she brought me something which I’m certain I didn’t order.

I looked at the menu and it was described as: A freshly baked waffle covered in maple syrup and fruits of the wood and garnished with a raspberry coulis.

I’m sure I never ordered that! I’m far too unsophisticated to know what a coulis is.

I checked my pocket dictionary and it said: A thick sauce made of puréed fruit or vegetables.

Oh well, I thought. This isn’t the safe vanilla ice-cream I normally settle for. Let’s try it anyway. After all, the waitress has hurried away to serve someone else.

It was delicious I tell you. Exceeded expectations.

Which brings me to another thought.

Sometimes, like this waitress, God answers our prayers by serving us something we never expected and far better than what we asked for.

So there you have it. A longer than usual Blog with a book recommendation; and a reminder that sometimes God’s answers to prayers exceed expectations.

P.S.

You will note that I recommended a Merlin Carothers book. I am far too polite to suggest you read any of my own books.

I’ve read them several times. I’m sure you’ll like them too!

Saturday, 21 May 2022

For whom no bells toll

Father Ignatius tries not to get involved with politics or speak directly about politics. But what do you do as a priest when politics gets involved with you?

There he was one morning enjoying his usual breakfast of hot coffee and ginger marmalade on toast when Mrs Davenport, the housekeeper, came in and put the morning mail on the table beside him. She then sat down at the table and poured herself some tea.

“Hmmm…” said Father Ignatius as he finished his breakfast, “that top envelope looks a bit officious to me. It bears the mark of the Local Authority. I wonder what they want.”

Moments later he sat at his office and opened the brown envelope first. It was a letter from someone who called himself “Senior Noise Pollution Engineer”.

“I wonder what a Junior Noise Pollution Engineer does;” thought the priest, “concern himself with whispers and murmurs perhaps.”

The main point of the letter was that the Local Authority had decided to stop St Vincent Church from ringing its bells on Sundays, weddings and funerals. In fact, to stop ringing the bells altogether.

Apparently this particular engineer had “carried out audiometric tests in the park opposite the church and it transpired that an excessive number of decibels had been recorded on several occasions when the church bells were ringing. The decision had therefore been taken to discontinue bell ringing altogether.”

The priest continued reading:

“Whilst the establishment in question has the right to appeal against this decision it is pointed out that this would be in vain unless there was evidence of extenuating circumstances as to why the practice of bell ringing should continue.”

“Where do they learn to write like that?” thought the priest as he prayed silently for God’s help and advice.

Having decided to appeal against the decision, Father Ignatius prayed daily whilst awaiting the day of the hearing, which was to take place at the Town Hall. In the meantime, he decided not to tell Father Donald or Mrs Davenport about the letter. Not for now at least.

On the day in question he arrived at the Town Hall and was led to a Conference Room on the second floor. There sitting opposite him, facing him across the table, were five stern faced people who would hear his appeal.

After a few polite introductions he was asked by the author of the letter what was the basis of his appeal.

“Well …” said Father Ignatius hesitantly, “I am not sure what you consider as extenuating circumstances, as you say in your letter, Mr Wall.

“St Vincent Church was built almost sixty years ago and it has rang its bells ever since. The bells themselves are about three hundred years old and were salvaged from a monastery which stood on that very site centuries ago. It is traditional to ring the bells on Sundays, weddings and funerals; also at Christmas and Easter.”

“Tradition is no reason for the status quo,” interrupted Mr Wall harshly, “where would we be if we relied on tradition? They’d be no progress at all; and we’d still have the horse and cart.”

The other bureaucratic robots at the table laughed quietly.

“What … what I meant to say,” continued the priest politely, “is that people expect to hear the church bells. Has anyone complained, may I ask?”

“No one has complained …” replied Mr Wall whilst the other men continued writing, “but then if we were to wait for complaints nothing would ever get done. We must be proactive in order to protect the public.”

This seemed to amuse the other four bureaucrats who no doubt worked for Mr Wall.

Father Ignatius was struggling.

“What I’d like to suggest …” he continued, “what if we were to ask the people living near the church whether they think the church bells are too noisy?”

“We can’t expect the public to know what’s good for them …” said Mr Wall authoritatively, “if we had to listen to the public then there would be no need for the Noise Pollution Department of this Local Authority. We are here to decide on behalf of the public; not to listen to them.”

The priest felt as if he was losing the argument. “This man is living up to his name,” he thought, “it’s like talking to a brick wall. He is determined to silence the bells at all cost. Dear God, help me!”

Father Ignatius took off his glasses and started cleaning them. He felt droplets of sweat building up on his forehead. He asked God silently for inspiration.

“It’s very hot in here …” he said putting his glasses back on, “can we open a window perhaps?”

Mr Wall nodded and the man sitting at the end of the table got up and opened the window.

It seems that God was listening to His priest on that day. As soon as the window was opened the noise from the traffic outside drowned their speech in the room.

“Is it always this noisy?” asked Father Ignatius.

“Yes it is …” mumbled Mr Wall, “we can’t do a thing about it … that’s why we keep the windows shut.”

Before the priest could say another word a train passed by the railway station next door.

Clackety clack … clackety clack … clackety clack went the train noisily for a full minute or so as its wheels rattled slowly on the metal rails. And for good measure, it blew its whistle as it left the station; as if to register its own personal disapproval of the bureaucrats sitting there.

As the noise abated a little, it was obvious that God had not finished yet.

Because at that precise moment the clock at the top of the Town Hall started to strike 12o’clock.
 

At this point the man by the window shut it quickly, but they had to wait until the last chime of the clock before speaking again.

“That’s a beautiful sound …” said Father Ignatius, “I can hear it from my church and I often set my watch to it …”

“Yes we’re proud of it …” replied Mr Wall, “it’s a traditional chime and …”

Father Ignatius smiled as Mr Wall realized what he had just said.

“Well… I think we can conclude this hearing …” said Mr Wall firmly, “we’ve considered your case fully and it has been decided to withdraw the Local Authority’s Notice requiring St Vincent Church to desist from ringing its bells. Your appeal has been successful Father.”

The priest left the Town Hall praising God and floating on air … and he hasn’t heard from Mr Wall or his Noise Pollution Department ever since.

… And the bells are still ringing …


Thursday, 19 May 2022

Why The Ascension?


 

Hello and welcome to Time For Reflections.

In the Gospel of John, Chapter 14 Verses 15 onwards, Jesus promises to send the Holy Spirit on His disciples and on all of us.

It's a long bit, so I will not read it all; but I'll read this part.

“I will ask the Father and He will give you another Helper, who will stay with you forever. He is the Spirit who reveals the truth about God. I have told you this whilst I am still with you. The Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you everything and make you remember all that I have told you.”

This is Jesus teaching His disciples way before His Crucifixion and His Resurrection.

After His Resurrection He was seen by a number of His disciples on many occasions, and eventually they saw Him ascend into heaven. A few days later, at Pentecost, the Holy Spirit descended on the disciples and transformed their lives forever.

Let's imagine a totally different scenario.

Let's imagine that Jesus was crucified, He died and was buried, and three days later He was resurrected by His Father and He was seen by His disciples and by many people.

What if He did not rise to heaven? What if He stayed on earth as a resurrected Jesus? What if He made Himself known to the Pharisees, the Sadducees and all the people who did not believe in Him; to the Romans even?

What if He said to them, “Here I am. You killed me, I died and my Father in heaven resurrected me again”.

What do you think would have happened then? What would the Pharisees, the Sadducees, the Jews and the Romans have made of all this? What would His disciples have made of all this?

They would have been astounded. They would have been shocked. They would have seen Him as a Superman. As somebody really out of this world. Somebody that died and was raised again.

Even assuming they killed Him a second time and God resurrected Him again, what then?

I know this is all just thoughts at the moment; but can you imagine what would have happened if Jesus did not rise to heaven and sent the Holy Spirit?

What if he actually stayed on earth as a resurrected Jesus and says, “there you are, that is proof of who I am.”

People would have submitted to everything He said out of fear if nothing else. As I said, they would have seen Him as a Superman and out of fear they would have accepted all He said. They would have done all He commanded.

Hardly the act of a loving God.

Hardly the act of a loving Father who would hold everyone to ransom.

That is why it was essential that after the Resurrection, having made Himself known to some selected disciples, Jesus had to be raised to heaven.

He promised the Holy Spirit and the Holy Spirit descended on the disciples. Strengthened their faith and from thereon they taught the rest of us about Jesus.

Even Paul who had never met Jesus, and at one stage persecuted the Christians, he came to believe and became one of the greatest missionaries of the early Christian Church.

That is why Jesus had to be raised to heaven after His Resurrection. To enable us to have faith.

Without faith we are nothing. We cannot claim to be Christians unless we believe in what happened. And that is why the Holy Spirit descended on the disciples to help them believe. That is why the Holy Spirit can descend on all of us today if we genuinely ask for His help, and if we genuinely invite Him into our souls.

Thank you very much for listening. God bless.

Wednesday, 18 May 2022

The Lawnmower

 

Hello and welcome to Time For Reflections.

Once upon a time there was a man who wanted to cut the grass in his garden but unfortunately his lawnmower was broken. So he thought, “I'll go next door and I'll ask my neighbour if I could borrow his lawnmower”.

But then he thought again.

“Oh … my neighbour is such a fussy person, he may give me the lawnmower but he will say ‘Oh be careful how you use it. Make sure you don't bump it against the tree; and there aren't any pebbles in the grass that could be caught in the blades.’ He will also expect me to clean it afterwards and return it in pristine condition. Honestly … what a neighbour I’ve got. But I really do need a lawnmower … … …”

So with all these negative thoughts in mind, he went next door and rang the bell; and when the neighbour opened the door he said to him, “You can keep you damn lawnmower! I don't want it”.

You know, I suppose it's the same with all of us. When we ask for something. Do we believe really that we’ll get it?

Would you go to the bank for instance to ask for a loan if you don't think the bank will give you that loan because of your bad credit rating?

How about when we pray? Do we really believe that God is listening to us and will give us what we ask for? Do we believe that He has the power to give us what we ask for?

Maybe we ask for healing or whatever else … do we honestly believe deep in our heart that God will answer our prayers? Because if we don't then what's the point of praying? Is it just a routine matter? Something to do just to tick a list and say, “well I prayed about it. It’s now in His hands!”

Unless we truly believe that God is listening and in His way and in His time He will answer our prayers then there's no point in praying at all.

Thank you very much for listening. God bless.

Tuesday, 17 May 2022

And there's more ...

Following on from yesterday's serving of humour, here's a little more to hopefully make you smile some more ... 

I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning. She said, "How do you know he was on his way to work?"

*******

My dog swallowed a whole bag of Scrabble tiles so we took him to the vet to get him checked out. No word yet.

*******

I’m really tired of people complaining about the price of everything. £2 for coffee, £3 for coat check, £4 for an hour of parking … I’m just going to stop inviting them to my house.

*******

Some guy knocked on my door today and said, “I’ve got a parcel for your next-door neighbour.”

I said, “You’ve got the wrong house then, mate.”

LOOK AT THE PICTURE ABOVE
WHAT DO YOU SEE?
*******
 The congregation were waiting in the church car park on Sunday waiting to get in church. Suddenly Satan appears at the church door. Everyone panics. God's greatest enemy is at the church door! They all jump into their cars and rush away at speed. Everyone except a small man standing by his bicycle. Satan approaches him menacingly. "Do you know who I am?" he asks the small man.

"Sure do ..." the man replies.

"Aren't you afraid of me?" screams Satan angrily.

"Nope ... I've been married to your sister for 25 years!”

*******


Three rich brothers try to outdo each other by buying expensive presents for their elderly mother. The first buys her a beautiful mansion by the sea and moves her there. The second buys her a Rolls Royce with a chauffeur to drive her where she wants. The third sends her a special parrot trained for six years to sing any song you can name. Excellent repertoire. You name it – he’ll sing it.

Three months later after she’s settled in the new house she writes to her three sons.

She thanks the first for the lovely house by the sea. She thanks the second for the car and driver to take her out when she wants. She thanks the third for the lovely bird which tasted very nice!

*******

Patient: Doctor help me. I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Psychiatrist: And when did this start exactly?
Patient: Ever since I was a puppy.
Psychiatrist: I see. Please get on the couch.
Patient: I'm not allowed on the couch!
 *******
A man sitting in a library reading the births and deaths statistics. After a few minutes he whispers to the person next to him: “Do you realise, every time I breathe in and out someone dies”. 
 
The other man replies: “Try a better mouthwash”.

*******

A woman was admitted to hospital with two burnt ears. Apparently she answered the phone whilst she was ironing. The doctor asked her how she burnt the second ear. She replied that it happened when she phoned for an ambulance.

*******