Uncertain Times

 

I am getting a little tired with the number of times politicians and experts on many subjects come on TV and tell me that we live in uncertain times. This is often a preamble for them to expound their theories on any topic and end up teaching you nothing and leaving you depressed to the point of suicidal.

At the risk of offending anyone, let me proclaim my theory. Henceforth, it will be known as Moubarak's Theory of Certainty in an Unstable World. 

What is uncertainty? Imagine waking up in the morning and your egg Benedict tastes like rotten fish. Or your coffee tastes of soap suds. Now that is uncertainty. Things that happen suddenly and unexpectedly that leave you perplexed and even worried. Especially if the uncertainty continues in other spheres of your life, like your car becomes another colour, or the trees in your garden have moved places by themselves. No doubt you can think of other examples.

Personally, I don't think we live in uncertain times. We live in very certain and predictable times.

You don't need to look too far in the Bible to find examples of many times when people moved away from God and faced terrible (predictable) outcomes.

The Jews rebelled against Moses and God after they left Egypt. Look what happened to them.

People rebelled and disobeyed God at the times of Noah and were destroyed by the floods.

King David, his son Solomon, and his son Rehoboam all disobeyed God and faced the consequences.

Throughout history you will find that when humanity turns its back on God its Creator they face terrible times.

This is not uncertainty. It is certainty. Whether we like it or not God has given us a set of rules to live by. We ignore them at our peril. We live in very certain and predictable times. 

NOTE: This post should not have been written in case it offends someone. You may choose to ignore it.  

Scientific Knowledge

 

Here are some scientific facts for your edification.

Did you know that if a centipede is attacked it detaches some of its legs and throws them at his attacker? That way the attacker stops to eat the leg and the centipede runs away and hides. Unfortunately when the centipede returns to retrieve his lost shoes and socks he gets eaten anyway.

Also, did you know that silverfish can live for two to eight years unless you hit them hard with your shoe.

Before silverfish reproduce, they carry out a complicated ritual which may last over half an hour. First the male and female stand face to face, then repeatedly back off and return to this position. In the second phase, the male runs away and the female chases him. In the third phase, the silverfish do what they want in the privacy of their own home.

The thorny devil lizard can absorb water through its skin like a blotting paper. Then it drinks the water by opening and closing the mouth - they drink through their scales like sipping through a series of straws. 

The cricket chirps at night depending on the temperature. If it is very hot it could chirp 30 or 40 times a minute. If it is a little cooler it would chirp perhaps 15 to 20 times a minute. In very cold conditions it does not chirp at all because it is frozen out of its tiny mind.

The coldest temperature ever recorded is known as Absolute Zero. At Absolute Zero nothing happens. The buses will not run and don't even think of licking a lamp post because you'll be stuck there with no one to release you.

Talking of Zero ... scientists have built a chamber where you can simulate Zero Gravity. They put an elephant and a mouse in the chamber to find out whether, when there's no gravity, they would float at the same rate, rising at the same time. Surprisingly, they did float up at the same rate despite their different size. However, when they switched the gravity machine off the elephant fell with a bump on the mouse and killed it.

The ancient Greek playwright Aeschylus was killed by a tortoise dropped by an eagle which feed on tortoises by dropping them on hard objects. The eagle had mistaken his bald head for a rock suitable for shattering the shell of the reptile. Ironically, Aeschylus had been staying outdoors to avoid a prophecy that he would be killed by a falling object.

Did you know that Madagascar hissing cockroaches eat fresh vegetables and dry dog food pellets? The hiss is produced when they forcefully expel air through the specially-adapted respiratory openings under their wings. 

Whilst staying at a cheap hotel once I killed a cockroach in my room. Within minutes the place was infested by cockroaches who had come for the funeral.

Snails are amongst the slowest and most boring creatures on earth apart from lawyers and accountants. In Olden Days snails were as big as pigs. They were still very slow and left a trail of slime behind them which people would slip on and get injured. Because of their slowness they were all caught and eaten in a delicate  garlic sauce. Did you know that if a snail climbed up your leg it would be at least two days before you said  "OOOH !!!"

Did you know that flamingoes stand on one leg because if they were to lift it up they would fall?

Also, did you know that in Shakespeare's play Hamlet, Polonius hides himself behind Gertrude's arras?

What's that to do with natural science? I hear you ask. Well ... I just thought that she must have had a big arras to hide a man behind!

Did you know that the majority of men with beards (about 68%) sleep with their beards tucked under the bed covers rather than over the bed covers?

And that beards grow faster and longer than hair on men's heads?

Human ears grow bigger in proportion to the rest of our bodies as we grow older. I knew a man with his ears sticking out quite a bit. He looked like a car with its doors open. On a windy day he would spin round like a revolving door.

Did you know that if you had a meal in a restaurant that is totally dark you would not be able to tell the difference between steak and a beefburger?

Did you also know that if you're in a vacuum and you shout loud no one would hear you? And it would make no difference whether the vacuum bag is full of dirt and dust or whether it was empty?

Do you realise that if you had a small bird in a cage and as you happen to weigh the cage if the bird jumped up from its perch then its weight would not register on the scale?

Also, if you were to weigh the cage under water the small bird would drown?

And in order to peel and cut an onion without tears you have to do it under water; that is if you can hold your breath for that long?

It's true I tell you. All these facts have been well researched in a scientific book which I am writing.

The Shoebox

 

The Shoebox

Chris Young

Don't leave it too late

 

 

 Every generation
Blames the one before
And all of their frustrations
Come beating on your door
 

I know that I’m a prisoner
To all my Father held so dear
I know that I’m a hostage
To all his hopes and fears
I just wish I could have told him
in the living years
 

Crumpled bits of paper
Filled with imperfect thought
Stilted conversations
I’m afraid that’s all we’ve got
 

You say you just don’t see it
He says its perfect sense
You just can’t get agreement
In this present tense
We all talk a different language
Talking in defence
 

Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you
hear
It’s too late when we die
To admit we don’t see eye to eye
 

So we open up a quarrel
Between the present and the
past
We only sacrifice the future
It’s the bitterness that lasts
 

So don’t yield to the fortunes
You sometimes see as fate
It may have a new perspective
On a different day
And if you don’t give up, and
don’t give in
You may just be OK.
 

Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you
hear
It’s too late when we die
To admit we don’t see eye to eye
 

I wasn’t there that morning
When my Father passed away
I didn’t get to tell him
All the things I had to say
 

I think I caught his spirit
Later that same year
I’m sure I heard his echo
In my baby’s new born tears
I just wish I could have told him
in the living years
 

Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you
hear
It’s too late when we die
To admit we don’t see eye to eye

Mike and the Mechanics
The Living Years

 

 

At the vet

I had to take our cat to the vet for his annual vaccinations. You know the kind … Immunisation against all sort of feline diseases and allergies appertaining to cats. Except being cunning, conniving, plotting and scheming … there’s no vaccinations for that apparently.

First you have to put the cat in this small carrier cage especially designed for the purpose. Easier said than done … Have you ever seen one of those contraptions? They are small … cat sized actually … there’s no point in having a cage as big as a house is there? 

It’s a small box with a little door on the side. You open the door, put the cat in, and closed the door again. Simple … if the cat is willing to co-operate that is. It is dark in there and of course the cat is not interested is he? He’s had previous experience of that box. It always leads to the vet where bad things happen … as far as he’s concerned. And as far as I’m concerned too … have you seen how much the vet charges? His treatment costs more than the cat itself!

So I pick the cat … He hisses and struggles. He rolls round on his back to escape. He bares his teeth. He scratches for all he’s worth. He somehow manages to close the cage door just as I’m putting him in. The cage falls on the floor landing right on my foot. I jump and hobble in pain whilst the cat is permanently attached to my face with all claws drawn out like daggers. In my blind confusion I trip over the cage and land head first into the box of cat litter; whilst the cat escapes up a tree and laughs raucously at my misfortune.

Several attempts and First Aid plasters later the cat’s in the cage and we’re at the vet. And the same rigmarole starts again. The cat won’t come out of the cage. He wriggles and turns on the vet’s table. He runs up the curtains. We hunt him down and try to hold him still for a second or two whilst the vet prepares the injection. The cat hisses and scratches at the sight of the needle. I feel a sharp pain in my arm and all is over.

Now the vet did say that the injection is not harmful to humans … and the side effects are only temporary.

How could this be? If it’s not harmful then why have any side effects? Temporary or otherwise? In order to pacify me the vet agreed to waive the usual fee and asked me to come back next year without the cat.

The side effects of the injection are quite disturbing. I’ve noticed that recently I’ve started to lick my hands for no particular reason. I have an urge to climb trees and I sit purring happily at people when in public. It’s very embarrassing on crowded trains and buses … especially when I want to cuddle closely to people.

I went to see a psychiatrist. He said, “Get on the couch!” I told him I’m not allowed on the couch.

He gave me some red tablets to take once a day. I asked him what they do. He said “I don’t know. They’re samples I’ve received this morning and I’m trying them out on new patients!”

He asked me whether I get sudden headaches and pain on the knees. I said that I didn’t. He said that he’d had these symptoms for a week and couldn’t work out what it was.

He then gave me a saucer of milk and a piece of fish from his lunch box. He presented me with an invoice for $300. Can you imagine that? $300 for some milk and a piece of sardine sandwich!

That cured me instantly I tell you.

I said I’d report him to the Veterinary Society. He replied that he was not a vet.

“What business have you to treat a cat then?” I asked him directly.

He had no answer to that and he too agreed to waive his fee.

More cat stories in FELINE CATASTROPHES.

AMAZON LINK  HERE

Tension Relief

 

There's a fashionable new trend spreading throughout Europe known as Omphaloskepsis.  

Omphaloskepsis, or navel-gazing, is contemplation of one's navel as an aid to meditation and relaxation.

The statue above, which is at the entrance of a relaxation parlour near us, is a replica of the original at the Louvre in France. These four creatures are satyrs. In Greek mythology, a satyr, also known as a silenos, is a male nature spirit. They are in fact gazing at their navels and not at what you might think.

Men and women attend these Navel Bases to gaze at their navels and relax away the tensions and pressures of modern life. For an additional fee they can also gaze at other peoples' navels in the unisex communal area. It is a place where people go to air their differences.

I met a famous omphaloskepsis expert there to tell me more about this mode of relaxation. Professor Como Toez explained to me that by gazing at one's navel, or at someone opposite you, and breathing in and out slowly it will wash away all the pent up tension of a busy and difficult day. Of course, one can do this at home like the statue above, or by standing in front of a mirror; but it is not the same as communal navel gazing. It's like watching the sky at night, he said.

He added that omphaloskepsis dates back many years. The statue above dates from the second century AD and was found in Rome. Artists over the years have featured omphaloskepsis in their paintings. Like Titian who lived in the late 1400s:

As you can see, he is gazing at her navel and relaxing at the same time, 

And the Flemish painter Peter Paul Rubens who lived between 1577 and 1640: 

It is also believed that the reason the Mona Lisa is smiling is because she was looking at the Leonardo Da Vinci's navel at the time. Apparently, he liked to paint people in the nude. 

 

For your homework today; can you find out if chickens have navels. I think not; which explains why they are never relaxed.

At the therapist

 

So ... we went to the therapist. She asked how long we've been married. 

The therapist marriage guidance counsellor lady asked this; not my wife. My wife knows to the day when we got married. I forgot our anniversary once, and she made sure I'd remember in future.

Anyway, I said to the therapist that our marriage was so long ago that the marriage vows were in Latin.

"That long?" she asked with a feeble smile.

"No ... we are Catholic and Latin is the only language God understands!" I replied.

My wife accused me of being facetious and always making jokes; and I don't listen when spoken to. 

The counsellor said that whilst humour can relieve tension ... then she said some other things which I can't remember.

Then she asked whether we argue a lot. 

I said that since we got married we only had one argument on our wedding night.

The counsellor said that was impressive, only one argument. I said that since then I did not want to interrupt. My wife got upset at that.

The counsellor said that as time goes by love sometimes tends to grow cold ... and a few more things I forgot what she said.

I remember she said we should love each other like turtle doves. I said we are birds of a feather. She smiled at that.

I added, "More like parrots rather than turtle doves!" She frowned at that. I explained that one partner can't stop talking and I get tired listening. My wife got upset again.

She said she sometimes felt unloved. My wife that is, not the therapist. We were not there to provide her with marriage guidance; although I think she needed it judging by her sour face.

The therapist explained to me that sometimes women need reassurance that they are loved. I suggested that I print "I love you" on a laminated card and my wife can read it whenever she needs re-assurance. 

The therapist was not pleased with me and said a few things which escaped my mind.

Then she talked about love, and caring and sharing and a few more things. I remember clearly at the time I was thinking about what to write on my Blog. Then there was a sharp elbow in my ribs.

So I said suddenly, "That's right ... I understand!" 

She was pleased about this, I think, because she smiled. 

Then I remember she said that her husband was a therapist also; and she suggested we all get together; me and my wife and her and her husband to explore possibilities further.

I felt uncomfortable with this. Namely because our bed is too small for four people. Besides, it might upset our dog.

What do you think? Does she need therapy guidance or not? The counsellor not my wife.

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Bible Stories from the Old Testament

At the beginning God created Adam and gave him the task to name all the animals, birds and creatures of the sea. Adam was enthusiastic at first and as the animals passed by he said in monosyllables "Ant, bee, cat, dog, cow, pig ..." and so on.

In time, he became more adventurous and used longer words, "giraffe, horse, llama, tiger, panther, zebra ..." and so on.

But there were many animals and birds, not to mention all the fishes in the sea, still to be named. So Adam grew tired and he could hardly keep his eyes open. When the next animal walked by him he said, "Hippopotamus amphibius or Choeropsis liberiensis or Hexaprotodon liberiensis depending on the size of the animal."

At which point God hit Adam on the head with a dead bat and said "Don't be too clever, lad!"

And that's how we got the word Hippopotamus.

Adam asked God, "I wish I had some company other than these dumb animals! I wish I had another person like me ... but not totally like me if you understand what I mean. I like her to be beautiful. I want her to love me and to be faithful and loyal to me. To be always with me. To be able to cook and clean when things get a little untidy; but not when sports is on TV. And generally to be the best companion and friend any one in the world would wish for. "

"Good Lord!" said God mentioning Himself, "you're not asking for much are you? To have a wife like that would cost an arm and a leg!"

Adam hesitated and then replied, "All right ... what do I get for a rib?"

 The people of the Old Testament behaved badly, (like they do today). So one day God had enough and decreed that there will be rain for forty days and nights and everyone will drown ... except one family of a man called Noah.

God asked Noah to build a big boat. Big enough for him and his family and all the animals of the earth who will also be saved from the flood that is to come.

Noah built the boat, and eventually started collecting animals from all over the world. However he became over-enthusiastic and collected mosquitoes, wasps, yellow jackets, scorpions, and all other creepy crawly bad creatures on the boat. Remember that next time a mosquito or wasp bites you.

Unfortunately, in his total stupidity, Noah forgot to put all the dinosaurs and the dodo in the boat. Which is why they are now extinct.

Did you know that originally Noah was a farmer, not a boat builder. He is also the first man ever to plant a vineyard and to make wine. He drank it and got totally drunk so he took all his clothes off and lay naked in his tent airing his personality. 

His son Ham, (what a name), saw Noah naked and he took photos with his cell-phone which he then posted all over social media. If you don't believe me read Genesis 9:20-22. 

There once was a man called Samson. He had long hair which apparently gave him great strength. One day, because he was angry with the Philistines, Samson caught three hundred foxes. Two by two he tied their tails together and put torches in knots. Then he set fire to the torches and turned the foxes loose in the Philistine cornfields. He burnt not only the corn harvested but also that in the field, and the olive orchards as well. And that is how popcorn was invented. (Judges 15:4-5). 

People in the Old Testament were very violent, (like today). Fights often broke out between men ... and women too. So much so that a man called Deuteronomy had to write a rule book of combats. In it he said, "If two men are having a fight and the wife of one tries to help her husband by grabbing hold of the other man's genitals, show her no mercy ..." (Deuteronomy 25:11).

So remember this ladies next time you feel like grabbing a man's bits. Play fair!

 

 

Another person worth mentioning is a young lad called David. One day, the nation of Israel was called to fight the Philistine army that had gathered for war. A great Philistine giant named Goliath that stood at over nine feet tall came to the front of the Philistine battle line each day for forty days and mocked the Israelites and their God. Goliath called to them to fight but King Saul and the Israelite were scared and did nothing. 

So tiny little David volunteered to take him on. David took a sling with him and a few stones. He put a stone in the sling and swung it at Goliath's head. The stone hit Goliath and he fell to the ground and David killed him. Had David taken with him his girl-friend's bra instead he would have been able to kill two giants at the same time.

There are so many other lovely stories in the Old Testament. Like the one about a man called Moses who did not have a satellite navigation system and took forty years to walk a short distance through the desert.

To his credit though, Moses did try to teach his followers and the rest of us how God would like us to live. But did we listen?

You can read this, and many other stories in the Old Testament. Including the one about a big wall in Jericho which was brought down by people blowing horns. Remember that next time you go to an open air concert!  

Wet Pants

 

A nine-year-old kid sitting at his desk and all of a sudden there is a puddle between his feet and the front of his pants are wet.

He thinks his heart is going to stop because he cannot possibly imagine how this has happened. It's never happened before, and he knows that when the boys find out he will never hear the end of it. When the girls find out, they'll never speak to him again as long as he lives.

The boy believes his heart is going to stop, he puts his head down and prays this prayer, "Dear God, this is an emergency! I need help now! Five minutes from now I'm dead meat."

He looks up from his prayer and here comes the teacher with a look in her eyes that says he has been discovered.

As the teacher is walking toward him, a classmate named Susie is carrying a goldfish bowl that is filled with water. Susie trips in front of the teacher and inexplicably dumps the bowl of water in the boy's lap.

The boy pretends to be angry, but all the while is saying to himself, "Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Lord!"

Now all of a sudden, instead of being the object of ridicule, the boy is the object of sympathy. The teacher rushes him downstairs and gives him gym shorts to put on while his pants dry out.

All the other children are on their hands and knees cleaning up around his desk.

The sympathy is wonderful. But as life would have it, the ridicule that should have been his has been transferred to someone else - Susie. She tries to help, but they tell her to get out. "You've done enough, you klutz!"

Finally, at the end of the day, as they are waiting for the bus, the boy walks over to Susie and whispers, "You did that on purpose, didn't you?" Susie whispers back, "I wet my pants once too."

May God help us see the opportunities that are always around us to do good.

The Holy Spirit

 

ARTICLE BY VICTOR S E MOUBARAK - LINK HERE 

We all have a picture in our imagination as to what God looks like. An old man with a beard is how He has been depicted by the old masters in their paintings.

And of course we all know what Jesus looks like. We've seen Him often enough in films and on TV. He mostly always looks the same.  

But how about the Holy Spirit. What does He look like and who is He? A ghost? A spirit? A wisp of wind? A presence? A feeling? A dove? Or a lot of flames on peoples' heads?

What is, or who is, the Holy Spirit to you?

To me, He is a person. The third person of the Holy Trinity, consisting of God the Father, Jesus the Son and the Holy Spirit. He is a living spiritual being who, together with the Father and the Son are God. 

I think this photo will demonstrate it well.

As you can see, all three are separate "persons" but all three are God. It's a mystery that, for now, we are asked to believe and accept without understanding. See also this article for further explanation: Click HERE.

The Holy Spirit is a living spiritual being who is always at hand ready to help us and guide us throughout this life whenever we need Him. He does that by entering our souls, our very being, and becomes one with us. I appreciate that this is very difficult to understand or believe. How can a spirit be within us? The reality is that today's society is more willing to believe that the Devil can possess people without their permission or willingness; yet they find it difficult or impossible to believe in the Holy Spirit within us.

There are many instances in the Bible where we read that Jesus cast out demons from people who were possessed. This can still happen today. It is so serious that many churches have appointed their own trained exorcist priests. 

The Devil can possess people and the Holy Spirit can and does abide within peoples' soul. The very important difference is that the Holy Spirit will not enter a person without our invitation; and when He does so we experience a total change in our lives.

At Pentecost, when the Holy Spirit descended into the Disciples and followers of Jesus they experienced this total change. After the Resurrection of Christ and after He ascended into Heaven, the followers of Jesus were in prayer indoors, afraid of the authorities and what would happen to them. They received the Holy Spirit in the form of tongues of fire which appeared on their heads. Suddenly they experienced the power of the Holy Spirit. From fear they became confident and courageous enough to preach about Jesus to everyone willing to listen. Not only that, but they did it in many languages which beforehand they did not know or speak. 

Imagine this happened to you. Not only are you confident enough to teach others about God and Jesus, but you can do so in any language.

When people have the Holy Spirit within them they are transformed in many ways. They are at peace within themselves and with the world. They are not concerned or fearful no matter the situation. They know for certain that God is in control and that all will turn out well.

It is our natural human condition to suddenly have to deal with a situation when things go wrong. It's our human instinct coming to the fore. We focus on the matter or the problem at hand and, momentarily, we perhaps forget about God. 

But when we settle down a little, and pray to God, with the help of the Holy Spirit we will know for certain that all will be well.

How do we get the Holy Spirit within us?

“Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in Heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him!” Luke 11:11 onwards.

Praise

 

 

PRAISE THE LORD

 

Here's another recording from my old radio shows

Time for Reflections

 

Subtitles/Closed Captions available

Click on screen