At the Hospital

I went to hospital for a check-up to see if my sense of humour was still intact. Whilst there I overheard many medical staff discussing things using words that made no sense to ordinary people like you and me. Medics seem to have a language all their own. To help you, I have compiled a small list of words and their meanings:

Antibody                   =       Against everyone

Artery                       =       The study of fine paintings

Barium                      =       What you do when CPR fails

Benign                      =       What you are after you are eight

Bowels                     =       Letters like A, E, I, O, U

Caesarean Section    =       A district in Rome

Cardiology               =       Advanced study of poker playing

Cat-scan                  =       Searching for lost Kitty

Cauterize                =       Made eye contact with her

Colic                       =       A sheepdog

Coma                      =       A punctuation mark

Cortizone               =       The local court house

Dilate                     =       To live longer

Fester                     =       Quicker

Genes                    =       Blue denims

I C U                    =       Peek a boo

Impotent               =       Distinguished or well known

Medical staff        =       A doctor’s cane

Morbid                 =       A higher offer

Outpatient            =       A person that has fainted

Post-Operative     =       A letter carrier

Recovery room    =       Place to upholster furniture

Red blood count  =       Dracula

Saline                  =       A boat trip on holiday

Tablet                 =       A small table

Tibia                  =       Country in North Africa

Urine                =       Opposite of you’re out

Varicose           =       Way to close

Vein                 =       Conceited

Time waits for no man... or woman.

 

 

I normally post my articles here at about 8:00am in the morning. The time stamp at the end of my post shows 00.00 (midnight) Pacific Time - Los Angeles.

 

This means that whilst it is well into another day over here and I've already had my breakfast, my readers in Los Angeles are probably still in bed and about to start another day. I am sorry to wake you up every time I post an article.

 

I also realise that for those of you living on the East Coast it will be 3:00am and you too are probably in bed. (Have I got this right?) I can only guess what time it is for the rest of you living in the USA.

 

But I am told that those of you in Australia have already had the day which I am about to start after breakfast writing my Blog post. In your case, you have already read my post before I write it. How can this be possible? How is it that you read my posts before I write them because you are always a day ahead?

 

My scientist friend tells me that if I fly from London to America I don't need to shave because as I am flying, America is also coming towards me because the earth turns from left to right.

So the journey is much shorter flying towards America. Apparently, when we had a plane called Concorde which flew faster than the speed of sound, people arrived in America before they left London Airport. 
   

However, when you fly from America to London the journey is much longer because London is moving away from you as you try to catch up with it. By the time you get to London you'll trip over your beard judging by how long it grew. So you're advised to shave on the plane. 

 

Life gets even more complicated when we change the clocks backwards and forwards every Autumn and Spring, with some countries taking part and others not; and those who take part change their times at different dates than other countries.

 

Apparently there is no real reason or need to change the clocks backwards and forwards. It is only done to annoy people and to get them to talk about something on their Blogs.

 

And another thing, when it comes to celebrations like Mothers' Day, and Fathers' Day, different countries celebrate at different dates. And some people have introduced celebrations that others have not; like Hamburger Day - whenever that is.

 

Whilst we all agree when Christmas is; we do not seem to agree about Easter and some Churches celebrate it at different times.

 

And although we all agree as to when to celebrate the New Year, the Australians once again celebrate it before any of us and have already written Blogs about it before I've had my breakfast.

 

I find this all confusing, even more so since some of you, I have noticed, do not show the date when comments are made on your posts. All you show is the time. So I don't know whether the comments I have just read from your readers has been made before or after I have written my comment. Do I comment on what someone else has said or not? Because strictly speaking, he may not yet have commented and my comment on his comment would be redundant.

 

Biblically, it is said that to God one day is like a thousand years. He does not have time zones.

 

Which must have been very confusing to poor Moses when summoned up the mountain to get the Ten Commandments. Did he go the following day, or in a thousand years time? 

 

And was it just Ten Commandments or did he lose some on his way down?

 

What do you think?

It is now Lent

Tomorrow marks the beginning of Lent - traditionally people give up something for Lent. It could be chocolates, drinks, entertainment or something similar.

For Lent I am giving up caring.

What's the use of caring? 

What is the point of shaving and trimming my beard every day? It grows back again in a few days.

What's the use of wearing clean close every day? They get dirty again soon enough.   

What's the use of vacuum cleaning every day? The house gets dirty again in a few minutes. Now the vacuum cleaner stands in the corner gathering dust by itself. 

What is the point of watching the News on TV and getting upset at what's happening in the world? I can't control anything anyway.

So I decided to stop caring altogether about everything.

Other things I will not care about are whisky, chocolates and cookies and cakes and other goodies I like.

I'll give the money I saved to The Salvation Army, because I care about them and the work they do.

Trust Ahoy!

 

The Disciples were on a boat a distance from the land, buffeted by the waves because of the wind. They saw Jesus walking on water coming towards them. Peter asks Him, “tell me to come to you on the water.” Moments later Peter panics and begins to sink, and Jesus saves him. (Matthew 14:22-33 The story of Jesus walking on water is retold in the gospels of Matthew, Mark, and John.)

We often criticise Peter's lack of faith; but how about the other Disciples? They did not trust Jesus at all did they?

When I worked for a large multi-national we often had "team-building" events. I hated them. On one occasion they asked us to stand on a box and lean back so that someone behind us would catch us from falling. I declined to take part. The man behind me was small and a weakling and I thought I'd flatten him if I fell on him. There's no way he would catch me. The organisers said I was no "team-player"; they decided I had leadership potential instead.

How about you? Would you have trusted someone to catch you? 

When things go wrong in life, for you or for someone you love, do you trust God enough to take care of the situation? Or do you blame Him for things going wrong and not taking care of you?

I don't want to pontificate about this. I've had several things go really wrong in my life and at the time I focussed more on the bad thing than thinking about God. I just wanted to get through the event, whatever the outcome, rather than trust in God. Suddenly, He did not feature in my thinking. I forgot about Him.

Someone told me that when we're in real difficulties and we pray to God, it is not necessarily a sign of despair, but a testament to our faith. We pray because we believe there's Someone listening and we're not just talking to ourselves.

The thing is, do we pray with full confidence that He will answer our prayers, or do we doubt He will answer the way we would wish things to be.

Do we trust God totally - or with conditions?

It is no point having faith in a Master who walks on water if we do not trust Him enough to follow Him.

Valentine's Day

 

.

 

She stood on the bridge at midnight
Her heart was all a quiver
She gave a little cough
And her wig fell down the river 

 

 

Rose's are red

Violet's are blue

Enid's are green

And Sophie's are pink with white dots

 

 (I've seen them on the washing line)

 

 

A certain young lady named Lilly
Likes knickers - light pink and frilly.
In winter she wears
Maybe three or four pairs,
To keep her from feeling too chilly.

 

 

Say it with flowers

And chocolates too

Say it with jewellery

Or a good meal for two

Say it from the heart

Say what you think

But never be careless

And say it with ink 

 

 

LOVE IS ...

Helping your wife change the tires and the oil in the car ...

LOVE IS ...

Putting on the subtitles on TV whilst she's talking ...

LOVE IS ...

Not forgetting to pick up some flowers from a grave on the way home from work ...

LOVE IS ...

Saying sorry when you don't even know what you're apologising for ...

LOVE IS ...

Pretending to like her mom and not hide her broomstick when she lands unexpectedly ...

LOVE IS ...

Reminding her not to vacuum clean the house when football is on TV ...

LOVE IS ...

Laminating a card with the words "I love you" so she can read it when in need of reassurance ...

LOVE IS ...

Eating that last piece of pizza to save her from getting fat ...

LOVE IS ...

Knowing left from right when she gives you directions when driving ...

LOVE IS ...

When she looks at a dress or coat in a catalogue and says, "I like that!" to cut the photo and give it to her ...

 

LOVE IS ...

If it's a choice between a new pair of shoes or a box of chocolates, buy her a pair of shoes made of chocolate ...

LOVE IS ...

Not saying her backside looks big no matter what dress she's wearing ...

 

Role Model

 

Whether you like it or not we are all role models.

There is always someone watching us and ready to copy what we do. It could be our children, grand-children, relatives, friends, colleagues or even neighbours or people we do not know. 

We really cannot help being a role model. It is not up to us.

What is up to us is whether we are a good or a bad role model.

Do we set a good example by the way we live, what we say, how we behave and how others see us?

Are we the life and soul of the party, or do we brighten up the place by just leaving it?

When we are dead and gone will people talk about who we were or what we have done? 

Consider this: Years ago, if you were a Christian people would respect you perhaps, or be polite to you; even if they did not agree with your beliefs. Today, they would most probably ridicule you behind your back and think you're a bit weird in believing in an old man with a beard sitting on a cloud trying to oversee the world.  

Being a role model carries a lot of responsibility. Have we by our example led other people to an eternity in Paradise ... or to the other place?

And here is the real test: If you were another person watching you, would you want to copy what you are doing in life and the way you live?

Christian Questions

 

Imagine one day you hear a voice saying, "Stop wars. Love one another as I have loved you!". You did not imagine it. You heard it clearly. You're about to go tell someone when your spouse comes in. "Have you heard that?" Now you know for sure that you did not imagine it.

Moments later you hear people talking outside. You go out of the house and you recognise your neighbours and a few other people. They heard it too. The voice was loud and clear and it came from above. Some think it was from a helicopter perhaps. Then someone looking at his cellphone says, "Hey ... it happened in another country too. My cousin just texted me!"

As the day goes on, the news soon spreads. It seems at the same time the message was heard all around the world. Every TV and radio station is reporting that each country heard the same message in their own language at the same time.

World leaders contact each other. Statements are issued by presidents, prime ministers, kings and other leaders from all round the globe. No one has an explanation as to what happened. Not even the Pope. Or any other religious leader.  

Have you ever wondered why does God not talk to us clearly and plainly as He did at the time of Moses and the prophets?  

INTRODUCING 

CHRISTIAN QUESTIONS (You wondered but did not ask.) 

ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 979-8246647646

Whether we are Christians or not we have all from time to time asked ourselves, or others, questions about Christianity. Sometimes these may have been answered to our satisfaction by someone we love and respect, whereas at other times the questions have remained unanswered completely or satisfactorily.

Questions like: Who actually is God? Does He look human? Why can’t He speak to us clearly and loudly so we can hear Him? Did Jesus really have to die for us to be forgiven? Why does God let bad things happen to us? Does He test us to see how we will react? What do Heaven and Hell look like? Would we go there for eternity? Do ghosts exist?

Whilst no one has the real definitive answers to these and so many other questions, this book attempts to offer an explanation which you could consider and ponder or meditate about; or perhaps discuss with your friends.

Written in an easy to follow style and without preaching, each question is tackled in a friendly manner leaving you to decide whether you agree; or if not, why not.

With 70 questions discussed here, (with Bible references where appropriate), you will certainly have a lot of food for thought to ponder over and debate with your friends, or your Bible Study Group, or as a discussion topic at Religious Instructions classes for young people.

PAPERBACK AND KINDLE VERSIONS

AMAZON LINK HERE 

Peace

 

It's gone bananas

 

The world has gone bananas. Has it happened where you are?

I went to the shops today and all the bananas they are selling are straight - not a little bent as is traditional. It was the same at the greengrocers and the supermarket. Apparently, they are growing bananas straight these days so they can fit more in the boxes for transport. 

It's a little disconcerting. I'm not sure about eating straight bananas; I'm used to the bent shape as I eat it. 

This has given a whole new meaning to the saying "Going straight". It used to mean "live an honest life after being a criminal", now it means eating a straight banana.

What do you think? Have you seen a straight banana? Would you eat one or would you feel cautious in any way?

Nothing is as it used to be. Everything is changing. 

  

The Joys of getting older

They say people should grow old gracefully. What nonsense. As we grow older, now's the time to venture into a little mischief.

Men especially. They can get away with most mischief and people think they are cute because they are of a "certain age". They can be eccentric in the way they behave and no one seems to mind.

An old acquaintance of mine, was shopping at the supermarket. As we were at the check-out, a woman standing behind us, seeing a bag of "Woof Woof" dog food, asked him: "Do you have a dog?"

He replied: "No ... this is for me. I am on a dog diet. I probably should stop because the last time I ate some I ended in Intensive Care in Hospital."

She asked him to explain.

He said that essentially dog food is the perfect diet. He puts some "Woof Woof" pellets in his pocket and whenever he is hungry he eats a few.

She asked him if the dog food had poisoned him.

"No ..." he replied, "I just stepped off the curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me!"

As you grow older you can afford to be grumpy and get away with it. For example, the other day I had to go to the doctor for a routine check up. As I entered his insulting room he asked me nicely, "And how are you feeling these days?"

I replied, "What is it to you, you nosey beggar? Mind your own business!"

He was taken aback, but he sure will remember me next time I visit.

So there you are folks! Whether you are young or old. Act peculiar. Be a fruit cake. Be eccentric. Be remembered.

Take a dog lead with you for a walk. Stop by a tree and ask passers-by to help you get your dog down from the tree.

Take an old newspaper to the library and tell the assistant you have read it, can you change it for a new one.

Put a suppository in your ear and ask people to help you search for your hearing-aid.

Wear a lamp shade on your head and tell people to lighten up.

Eat a banana on the bus and throw the skin in someone's shopping bag. They'll get a pleasant surprise when they get home. 

Go to the supermarket and ask to buy one of those dividers they have on the conveyor belt check-out to separate customers shopping.

Don't buy anything from the supermarket and stand in line at the check-out. When it is your turn tell the shop assistant you bought nothing.

Go to the baker and ask him, "Have you got any bread rolls left?" If he says "Yes" tell him, "serves you right for baking so many!"

If you're a Catholic, like me, go to your priest for Confession  and ask him if he's heard any good rumours lately.  

Why not stick some feathers on a carrot and put it on your shoulder and tell people you're a vegetarian pirate?

Ask people in the street if they believe in free speech. If they say "YES" ask to borrow their cellphone to phone someone.

Knock on houses and tell people you're a door-to-door vacuum cleaner buyer. Do they have a vacuum cleaner for sale?

Here's another good trick. Dress properly and neatly. That should surprise the woman in your life.

Place a bobbin of white thread in the inside pocket of your jacket.

With a sewing needle push through a piece of the white thread through the shoulder of your jacket. Leave the thread hanging there on your shoulder. About two inches should do. It will look obvious on a dark jacket.

A woman is bound to be helpful and pick up the thread. As she pulls, more thread will come through from the reserve in your pocket. And more thread ... and more ...

Oh the fun I've had with the women in my life. 

Keep happy and enjoy what you like. An extra scoop of ice cream or a cake or whatever you fancy. 

Don't worry about tomorrow. It has already happened in Australia.

And don't forget to visit and/or submit articles to The Christian Lounge - whatever your age. 

Marriage Vows

 

Years ago when in France I was the best man at the wedding of my friend Yves Dominique Lefevre. On the day of his wedding he was very nervous; so to calm him down, before the ceremony in church, I took him to his favourite fast-food outlet for a quick snack.

He had frogs' legs, so he hopped all the way down the aisle to the front by the altar. He went at a snail's pace, but we got there at the end.

During the ceremony the priest asked him to say his vows. 

He said "Y A E I O U ..."

"Why Y?" I asked him.

He replied "Why Y? Be cos eet eez a vow in la belle France. Zee vows ere are Y A E I O U ... n'est ce pas?"

The priest was exasperated. Which is an unusual name to have, even in France. 

Can you imagine going through life as Father Exasperated, instead of being serene and humble.

Serene and Humble ... nice title for a TV Detective Series, don't you think?

Anyway, did you know in France they have extra bowels? Extra vowels too, it seems!

Who is Jesus?

 

Imagine you’re a person of authority in a Court of Law. 

The judge, the final arbiter, whatever you say happens. 

And they bring to you a man. He is fairly ordinary looking and they accuse Him of saying He is the Son of God. And this is blasphemy according to the Law and He should be put to death. 

Before you make such a momentous decision on the man’s life, you decide to do some investigations. 

You check and you find that this man has been around for about three years or so. He has been travelling up and down the land, and He has indeed said several times that He is the Son of God. He preaches to people and He tells them to repent from their sins and to follow the Way of the Lord. 

So you wonder about this and you think “Well, maybe if I can prove that this man is mad, I could let Him off. I could tell the people that He is insane, and they should let Him go, and I could warn Him not to repeat what He says because it would get Him into deep trouble”. 

So you check on the man’s sanity and you find that indeed He is not mad at all. Many people can testify to the fact that he has preached in the temples, and He has debated with religious elders, and shows no sign of being mentally insane whatsoever. Indeed, He is very wise. 

And you also find that this man seems to have some supernatural powers because He has healed many people up and down the country. The blind can see, the deaf can hear, the dumb can talk and the lame can walk. And there’s plenty of evidence for what He has done. There’s even a Roman Officer who can testify that He has healed. What better evidence do you want? 

And also, you understand, that apparently He has raised people from the dead. Now that’s very strange. No one has ever done that before. But again there’s plenty of evidence of that. There’s the family of a man called Lazarus who apparently had died and had been entombed for a few days yet Jesus raised him from the dead and raised other people from the dead. 

And when He preaches He says to people “Your Faith has saved you” whatever that means. And He heals them. 

He doesn’t charge at all for what He is doing. He just wants people to repent and follow the Lord. 

So you wonder whether He’s some sort of trickster, some sort of charlatan. So you order your soldiers to beat Him up and to rough Him a bit to see whether He admits to being a liar, a cheat. 

Your soldiers torture Him, beat Him up, they put a crown of thorns on His head because He claims to being a King of some sort. But after all that the man still does not say anything in His defence. 

So you give up. You think, “Well, He is one of their people. He is not one of us. So what’s it to do with me if they want to kill Him.” 

So you give orders for Him to be put to death. 

Your soldiers put a Cross on His back and ask Him to carry it all the way to the place where He is nailed to that Cross and left there to die. 

And just before He dies He asks God in Heaven, to forgive these people, because they don’t know what they are doing. 

What’s more strange is that three days later this very man is Himself raised from the dead.  And a lot of people see Him and can testify to his Resurrection. 

Now I wonder. Is this enough evidence that this man is really the Son of God? 

Because it is for me.