Family Tree Surprises

 

Whilst searching my family tree I discovered some branch or other flourished in Greece. One such old ancestor is Quentin Zorba the Greek. He lived around 370 BC and worked as an assistant to a certain doctor called Hippocrates. As the name implies, he was a vet who treated hippopotamuses. Hippocrates that is, not my relative Quentin. He invented the Hippocritical Oath which promised that he'd heal any hippopotamus regardless to the danger to himself. As there were no hippos in Greece his promise was never tested. So he healed hippies instead. 

Another Greek relative I discovered also went by the same name; Quentin Bouzouki. He lived around 470 BC and knew the Greek philosopher Heraclitus. Apparently the philosopher didn't like people in general. He was always sad and melancholy, (face like a melon and body like a collie), and always cried in his beer in the pub despite Quentin's corny jokes. He was known as the "Weeping Philosopher"; especially on that day when Quentin put some lobsters in his bath-tub as a joke.

One day Heraclitus got sick with dropsy and no doctor could cure him. So he decided to cure himself by covering his body with cow manure and sitting in the sun for it to bake. This certainly did the trick. He died within a day. Which goes to prove - when you're up to your neck in **** don't sit in public for all to see.

As a sideline, and also leading to the discovery of another relative named Quentin "the writer"; I have not been able to find his surname. As you know, Homer was a Greek author living around 850 BC and is thought to have written two outstanding books called the Iliad and the Odyssey. Unfortunately, opinion is divided as to whether Homer actually wrote both works; a bit like the debate about whether Shakespeare did actually write all that he wrote. After various attempts to contact the  original publishers to find out the truth it was discovered that they'd gone out of business. However, rumours have it from my research, that Quentin was the writer and Homer the editor of these works. I tried to read them but did not understand a word. It was all Greek to me.

Money Money Money

 

I’m sure you know the story about the rich man who was told by Jesus to sell everything he had, give it to the poor, and follow Jesus. (Mark 10:17-27)

The man just could not do this, and went away sad.

Jesus also says that famous saying about it being harder for a rich man to enter Heaven than for a camel to go through the eye of a needle.

 What did it mean? Did Jesus refer to a gate called Needle, or was it a mountain pass which was so narrow you had to unload your camel of what it was carrying, pass the camel through, and then load it again.

It really doesn't matter. What matters is what Jesus meant in what He said to the rich man.

Jesus advised him to sell all he has and to give the money to the poor; and then to come and follow Jesus.

On hearing this the man went away very sad; he was not willing to follow the advice given.

 What would you have done?

Let’s assume God spoke to you right now, in a dream, or a vision, and you were certain it was Him speaking. Just as certain as Abraham, Moses, Noah, Mary, Joseph and many others were when God spoke to them. And God asked you to sell everything and give it to the poor, and become a missionary or a volunteer helper somewhere far off your community.

Would you be able to do it? Would you leave your spouse and family behind and follow Jesus wherever He asks you to go? Would you sell off everything you have, give up your job, leaving your children with nothing; and move on to a new life?

On reflection, perhaps we sympathise a little with the rich man. For we know not whether he had a family, friends and servants who relied on him – although we can assume he had. All these would have been left with nothing if the rich man followed Christ's advice to the letter.

Jesus was testing where the man's heart really was. What was more important to him, wealth or God? 

He certainly was not teaching against wealth in itself. Wealth creates wealth. It creates jobs and it creates the wherewithal to help others less fortunate than ourselves.

Christ condones, nay encourages, the creation of wealth in His parable about the servants given a gold coin each by their master. When he returned from his travels the master discovered that two servants managed to make their fortune increase whilst the third just didn’t bother. So he rewards the hard-working servants and punishes the other. (Luke 19:11-27).

In this story about the rich man Jesus was teaching responsible wealth. There’s nothing wrong in working hard and amassing a fortune honestly. As long as we use it responsibly. As long as we don't make wealth more important to us than God.

Those who are fortunate to have wealth should remember their responsibility to share it with others, and to help others, as best they can. This doesn’t mean sell everything and give it to the poor. It means be aware of those around you who are less fortunate than yourself; and share your good fortune with them.

In the parable of the rich man and Lazarus (Luke 16:19-31) Jesus does not condemn the rich man for being wealthy; but for not even realizing, never mind caring, for a poor man starving at his gate.

And wealth does not necessarily mean riches and money.

Some people are wealthy in different ways: wealthy in wisdom and knowledge, wealthy in health and stamina, wealthy in talents and so on.

Those amongst us who are well educated and knowledgeable should not look down on others haughtily and with disdain. Use your knowledge to teach others.

Those who are fortunate to be healthy should remember the sick and if possible visit them or help them as best they can.

Those with talents for music, the arts, sports or whatever should share their talents with others. Imagine the good you can achieve as a professional sportsman if you visit a school and share a few moments coaching children in whatever it is you do. Or if a musician or celebrity shared a few moments with less talented yet aspiring youngsters. That visit would be imprinted on young memories for life – and may well inspire them to do better and achieve more.

Let’s all look at ourselves deeply and discover what wealth God has given us.

Money, good health, a talent for music, painting, singing or whatever … and let’s share it for the glory of, and in thanksgiving to, God our Creator.  

Round the planet in 80 spins

 

We are told we have to save the planet. What we are saving it from I still do not know. The way we're all behaving right now suggests we should save it from ourselves.

People talk about global warming - we are burning too many things which are bad for the planet and cause its temperature to rise, and this is bad because the icebergs will melt and the seas will rise and only the strongest swimmers will survive. 

Others don't agree with this theory and believe temperatures rise and fall in a cyclical fashion and as in the past we had the ice-age we are only going through a phase and we will survive through it.

Personally, I am not clever enough to understand one argument from another. It's like the argument about the extinction of dinosaurs. Some say they all died because they could not withstand the cold temperatures of the ice-age; others say they died because they were killed by a meteorite, or asteroid which hit the earth. Although why they were all standing in the same place at the time is a mystery to me.

Now about this global warming thing. I feel it is because of candles. Can you imagine how many candles are lit at any one time in the world? In churches, in restaurants, at romantic dinner tables, in the bathroom - I mean; whoever thought of candles in the bathroom? Very dangerous if you happen to singe your hair. On birthday cakes too? Come on - admit it. How many candles are on your birthday cake each year? They all contribute to global warming.

That and cows breaking wind apparently. Cows break wind more than other creatures because they have two stomachs. It seems that all the gases coming out of cows float up to the sky and make a hole in the sky through which the sun rays get in and makes us warm.

Another reason for global warming, I am told, is deforestation. The other day I was sitting at the library reading about global warming, and a man beside me said, "“Do you realize that all the time you've been sitting here 500 square miles of rain forest have been destroyed?” So I got up and sat elsewhere. I don't want to be blamed for destroying a forest.

Yet another reason for global warming is books. Books are made of paper which comes from wood from trees. Do you realise that there are millions of books being printed in the world each year and most of them go unread? Including mine. Which is a pity because you're missing out on a good read. Just click the link to find out more. Or you can get them in Kindle formats and save on a lot of paper and trees being cut down.

Family Tree Surprises

 

It's amazing what surprises you discover when you search you family tree on-line. I have found out that one of my ancestors dates back to ancient Romans time. His name was Quentin Caesar Salad. He was called salad because of the varied and interesting amount of knowledge and accumulation of facts he had stored in a lifetime of studying. Indeed he was a sage who knew his onions. Nicknamed sage and onions stuffing.

Quentin Caesar Salad invented Roman numerals. He convinced the Emperor Nero Claudius Caesar Augustus Germanicus that instead of counting his enemies as individuals it would be easier to mark on the wall a vertical line like an I for each enemy he had and then count all the Is. The idea soon caught on and Quentin was a hero. Everyone counted in Is instead of counting the items in question. 

There were Is everywhere in ancient Rome. You couldn't go anywhere without Is staring at you. Hence the saying, "walls have Is".     

All street names, days on the calendar and chariots registration numbers had the Roman numeral I for identification. Can you imagine writing the day 31 January as IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII. Count them. (You did?)

The idea stopped because chariot registration numbers grew so wide with the number of IIIIIs on them that the registration plate knocked pedestrians over as the chariots rushed by. Often chariots got stuck between two trees, (sorry ... II trees), as chariots sped by.  

That's when Quentin came up with a new idea to save losing his head. 

He suggested the introduction of new symbols. When we reach the number 4 it be written as IV, 5 as V, 6 as VI and so on until 8. Then he changed his mind and decided that IX would represent 9, X for 10, XI for 11 and so on. Then he added new letters for good measure. For example L for 50, C for 100, D for 500 and M for 1000.

For a while all was well and the Romans were happy counting in this new way. Then one day, the Emperor Nero received a strange text saying – I LV CLAVDIVS – and he didn’t know whether it was a misdirected amorous message from his wife to Claudius the slave, or his wife’s new telephone number.

So in a rage the Emperor banned the use of all cell-phones from the whole of the Roman Empire.

Nothing was heard from Quentin Caesar Salad after that. Or Claudius the slave for that matter.

Invitation

 

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Till death do us part

 

FATHER FRANCIS MAPLE

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WORTH READING AND SHARING

 

Family Tree Surprise

 

Some of the most observant readers here will have noticed on the right hand side-bar the Coat of Arms of one of my ancestors dating back to medieval times. His name was Richard the Lion Liver. Click on the Coat of Arms to learn more about him.

I hope in the next few weeks to introduce other relatives of mine as I research my family tree surprises. 

Another relative I discovered some years back is Aunt Gertrude who at the time lived in Australia. I contacted her and she came to visit us for several (long) weeks.

Whilst she was with us we also heard that our Uncle Herbert from Dundee was not well. So we decided to drive up to Scotland as a family, with Aunt Gertrude from Australia, and stay with him for a few days until he is better. The old man lives alone, and for some unknown reason he got to like Aunt Gertrude. So we decided a visit would do him the world of good.

Unfortunately, the day before we were due to set off I fell off a ladder whilst cutting a tree in the garden. Not much damage done to the tree but I twisted my ankle badly and could not drive.

So it was decided that I’d stay home, and the family with Auntie would travel by train. But she refused. She said the journey was too long for her and she’d rather not go.

This is a woman who came a thousand plus miles from Australia and yet is refusing to travel a few hundred miles to Scotland.

I tried to encourage her to no avail. I would have gladly paid for a one-way ticket to anywhere in the world to avoid being in the house alone with her but I could not shift her. The last time I was alone with her she fed me cat food!

On the day in question they all left and I was alone with Aunt Gertrude who decided to make me better. She prepared chicken soup which apparently is good for invalids.

I told her it was mid-summer and that I hated chicken soup, and besides a twisted ankle does not make one an invalid. She said it contained pearl barley which is good for you!

After I was fed the soup she suggested we pray together for me to get better.

What? I had no intention of praying with her. But she insisted.

She started with the Rosary and then a number of readings from the Bible followed by other prayers and pleadings to the Lord for my health and that of the whole family, including their safe travel there and back, and not forgetting Uncle Herbert.

To be fair, not once during the prayers did she say “cobber” or “fair dinkum” or “no worries” or any of her other Australian sayings; which no doubt pleased the Good Lord no end.

Then, to make conversation, she said she’d been to that posh department store in London on her last visit and bought something unusual to send back to a friend of hers in Adelaide.

“Oh yes …” I said feigning some interest.

“It’s a Santa Claus costume” she said, “I bought it for a friend who has been asked to be Santa at the local church fete!”

“But … it’s the middle of summer!” I mumbled with a smile.

“I know, cobber … I’ll be posting it to him on Monday … I’d like you to try it first to check the size is right. My friend is about the same size as you and well rotund round the waist too …”

She has a nice way of flattering people, I thought. Before I could say anything she’d been to her room and returned with the red costume. I tried the heavy jacket on first, and then the red trousers too, and I even put on the white beard, just to humour her. As I stood up so she could check the costume for length I accidentally stood on a stupid plastic toy which had been left on the floor.

I heard it crack underneath me and felt the pain of my twisted ankle shoot up my leg. I let out a cry as I collapsed back on the sofa.

“Dear Lord … are you OK cobber!” she cried in a panic, “don’t move fella …” she continued as I nodded that I was OK.

She went out of the room and left me alone to recover slowly from the shooting pains. About ten or so minutes later I heard voices from the front door. Two ambulance men entered the room …

Apparently, when she heard the loud crack under my foot she thought I’d broken a bone and phoned for an ambulance.

The two paramedics checked me out and said I was OK. I tried to explain why I was wearing a Santa costume and one of them said: “Don’t worry sir. We’ve been to a number of call-out situations and have seen many sights. We’ve learnt to be discreet and never ask questions!”

What exactly did he mean by that?

To make matters worse, the other ambulance man, the one who said nothing, is a Deacon at our church, and he plays golf in my club too.

I am so angry at the mad woman that I am still fuming days afterwards. The rest of the family think it is all very funny.

Auntie Gertrude said, “Lighten up cobber … if you’d lost some weight round your waist you would have seen the toy on the ground!”

EXCERPT FROM MY BOOK

 

AMAZON LINK HERE

The Samaritan Today

 

Once upon a time an elderly man was making his way home through the park after a long day at work. Some youths set upon him. They were carrying knives. They mugged him, injured him badly and left him lying in a pool of blood.

A while later a city gent happened to pass by. He looked at the bleeding man on the ground and thought: This may be a trap. If I stop to help him someone might come out from the bushes and attack me. I'd better hurry home.

And so he did.

A while more later another man happened to come along. He saw the elderly man on the ground and thought: I'd better pretend not to have seen him. If I stop and call the police and ambulance they will ask me a lot of questions. They will want a lot of information. I'll be a witness and I'll probably have to go to Court eventually to say what I saw. I really can't be bothered with all this. I'd better rush home.

And so he did.

A few minutes later a learned man came by. He had studied sociology, philosophy, and many other important subjects and he was now a famous professor at the local University whose opinion and views were often sought on matters of importance. He looked at the injured man on the ground and thought: Whoever did this needs help. They must be from an under-priviledged background and up-bringing. Poor souls!

And he hurried home thinking about modern society and decided to write a paper on crime and poverty.

Two thousand years after Jesus told a similar story, (Luke 10:25), life hasn’t changed so much in this world.

Let's get real

 

This article is likely to be harsh, brutal even. It was inspired by a discussion on TV.

It seems that in the 21st Century we have bred a generation of "entitled" people who believe the whole world owes them something as of right, even God. This selfish attitude is symbolised in the belief amongst some Christians that a loving God would not really send any of His creations to Hell for eternity.  Surely God would not do that, they say. A loving parent certainly wouldn't, so if God is our Father, as Jesus said, then He would not let His children perish in Hell for eternity.

Such belief is wrong and totally stupid. For a start, God does not send anyone to Hell. People choose to go to Hell by their own behaviour here on earth and when they die they are judged accordingly by a fair and just Creator God. Hell exists for sure, as does Heaven. Jesus taught this so many times as recorded in the Gospels and elsewhere in the Bible. Whichever is our eventual destiny is up to us and no one else.

Another false belief is that God is forgiving, and He will eventually forgive all of us anyway, even the devil. Another load of nonsense. Of course, God is forgiving, but He is no fool; no push-over. He will forgive those who, in this life, genuinely repent of their sins and seek His forgiveness. 

The devil exists all right, he is no euphemism for being naughty and doing wrong. He is a living spirit like angels. In fact the devil was an angel originally who rebelled against God. God in His infinite love and mercy let him and his followers go free throughout the world. Their rebellion is accentuated by the fact that they roam free to encourage us to follow their example and turn away from God.

God can hardly forgive someone who has never asked for forgiveness and is intent to work against God's wishes and Commandments. This applies to the devil and also includes us.

Yet another contorted logic questions why a loving God does not hear or answer our prayers. Let's get real about this. God owes us nothing. He loves us and listens to all our prayers but that does not mean He has to answer. 

He does not have to explain why some prayers are answered and others are not, or why some things happen to us like tragedies, disasters and so on. If God answered every prayer then there would be no more funerals in the world and we would live for ever. God is not a magician or genie ready to respond to our every selfish demand. He is God. We are not. It is time we remembered this and treat Him with love and respect rather than serve Him in an advisory capacity.

There is right now a lot of false teachings amongst the Christian communities; and this does no good to either Christians, or to those who are interested in joining our beliefs. 

Christianity requires Faith. Faith is to believe when your common sense tells you not to. 

To be sure of the things we hope for and to be certain of the things we cannot see. (Hebrews 11:1)

Typing my memoirs

 

I have joined an on-line keep fit class. You link to this website and you see other people in their homes and also the "instructor". He does the exercises and you copy him. We can all see each other through our laptop cameras.

Before we started I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, trying to put my leotard on. Then I heard the whole class applauding. They told me I was very entertaining. I did not know the camera was switched on!!!

You should have seen the comments I received by text and e-mails from my "audience". The ladies in particular were the most embarrassing. Perhaps I should not have borrowed my wife's leotard and exercised in T shirt and jeans instead. 

 

When she saw me in her leotard she was livid. She said I looked like a flamingo standing in that pose in her pink bodysuit. So I put my foot down; which was a little difficult in that hugging outfit which left little to the imagination.

She gets all upset at my attempts to keep fit. The previous day I had swapped our bed for a trampoline and she hit the roof.

I usually have a good night's sleep. On some mornings I wake up grumpy ... on others I let her sleep and go down for breakfast. I usually bring her tea in my pyjamas. Is she grateful? No ... she says she prefers it in a cup.

This morning I discovered our new puppy had eaten all the Scrabble tiles and left little messages around the house.

We like to go out  for a meal at least once a week. We used to go to our favourite Italian restaurant in town. We've stopped now because their cook has pasta away!

There's a new restaurant in town called Karma. They have no menus. You get what you deserve!

Anyway, today I put some corn flakes in a bowl and watched the news on TV. They said that a midget fortune-teller had escaped from a prison van. The headline was, "Small medium at large". This happened when the prison van had collided with a lorry full of mixed concrete. The police are looking for some hardened criminals.

In another crime related story, it was reported that a hole had been found in the local nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it. They then entered the premises and interviewed a number of people airing their differences. The police believed that the members were withholding evidence, but the nudists insisted they had nothing to hide.

Our local papers are reporting that a driver was stopped by the police for ignoring a red light. The driver started swearing aggressively and calling the policeman all sorts of names. The policeman explained the offence and gave the driver a ticket. The driver asked, "What's this AH in the corner of the ticket?"

"Oh ... it's to remind me that you're an a... hole!" said the policeman.

In Court the driver hired a clever lawyer who asked the policeman, "Is this your writing on this ticket?"

The policeman confirmed that it is. So the lawyer tried to trap him by asking, "What does AH mean?"

"It means aggressive and hostile," replied the policeman.

"Are you sure it does not mean a... hole?" asked the lawyer.

"You probably know your client better than I do," said the policeman calmly.

Another story in the papers is about a man who had pick-pocketed a dwarf. How could he stoop so low?

A friend of mine divorced after 25 years of marriage because his wife is violent and  keeps throwing things at him when angry: plates, cups, saucers, whatever is at hand she throws.

The judge asked him, "What took you so long to decide on divorce?"

He replied, "Her aim is getting better!"

There was an Automobile Rescue van parked outside our house yesterday. You know those rescue vans that come out to help you when your car won't go? The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, "that guy’s heading for a breakdown".

At this point the door bell rang. It was our friend Mavis, she was distraught and sobbing bitterly. I can't handle women crying. I mean ... what are you supposed to do? Is it OK these days to hug crying women to comfort them? What if they misunderstand your hug for something else?

I tried to cheer her up by telling her about our problems. I told her that the other day my wife asked me to pass her her lipstick; but I accidentally passed her a glue stick instead. She still isn't talking to me.

Mavis cried some more. I poured her a cup of tea and asked her what's wrong. Apparently, she had put on her most revealing negligent and asked her husband, "What do you like most about me, my pretty face or my sexy body?" He looked her up and down and replied, "I like your sense of humour!"   

You might like my other humourous memoirs in my book:

AMAZON LINK HERE

AMAZON LINK FOR MORE OF SAME

Seven Drunken Nights

 

A Sobering Thought

 

Some readers of this Blog are Christians. A number do not believe in God at all. I can tell from the comments and e-mails I receive. The thing is, whether one believes in God or not, we shall all one day stand face to face with God our Creator and give an account of ourselves.   

Some non-believers may scoff at my statement. But let that be as it may.

Now here's a thought. Let us assume that today you are face to face with God and He asks you to account for your life. What would you say?

I don't mean you tell Him that you're a doctor, teacher, car mechanic, parent, or whatever else describes your profession or status in life. I mean what would you tell Him about the good you have done in your life? Especially the good you have done to people without them knowing about it, or to people who have no way of repaying your kindness. 

What good have we all done in our lives thus far? Will we be remembered for who we were or what we have done?

Here's another thought from the top of my head. Today is an opportunity to start doing something good every day I can tell God about when I get to meet Him.

Crippling Fear and Anxiety

 

The sea became rough because a strong wind was blowing. When they had rowed about three or four miles, they saw Jesus walking on the sea and coming near the boat, and they were terrified. But He said to them, "It is I; do not be afraid." (John 6:16-21)

Fear is sometimes good for you. It stops you from taking unnecessary risks. From being reckless and unthoughtful in what you do. Fear is natural.

It is a human emotion like all the others. Fear can be real and warranted - we fear punishment and retribution for our crimes, we fear threats from aggressive people, we fear criminals, wild animals and so on.

Or fear can be imagined and unwarranted - we fear the unknown, new places we have to visit, new situations in our lives, new people we have to meet, or we fear change from the comfort we're used to, we fear what might happen in the future.

So fear, by itself, being natural, is not a sin. But how we react and deal with it can be. Too much unwarranted fear could be an insult to God in that we do not trust Him enough to look after us and care for us. Prayers are the answer.

Let us consider carefully what it is that causes our fear and if there is a genuine reason then we should seek help. Discuss the matter with a trusted relative or friend. If there is cause for concern then we should not suffer and worry alone. Others may be able to help us or get us to see our problem from their perspective.

If however our anxiety is without foundation; and there is nothing practicable we can do to change the situation; we should trust in God. This is what He asks of us. To tell Him how we feel and seek His help to calm us down. He has conquered fear. He has conquered the future. As well as evil. Forever.

Do not be afraid – I will save you. I have called you by name – you are mine. Isaiah 43:1 

It is no point having faith in a Master who walks on water if we do not trust Him enough to follow Him.

FATHER FRANCIS MAPLE

WEBSITE HERE

Autumn Leaves

 

 

Let's do some magic

 

I used to be a magician. Every time I tried to pull a rabbit out of the hat he pulled me in instead. Anyway, let's attempt to do a trick. Below there are six cards - A  B  C  D  E  F.

Now select a number from any of the cards. You can write it down if you wish but don't do it near the computer monitor in case I see it. 

Have you chosen a number from any card? Good. 

Now tell me (in the comments box below) ALL the cards on which your number appears. For example say "C, E and F".

I've never tried this trick before, so with your co-operation it might work and I'll get the rabbit out of the hat.

The zebra story

 

Father Ignatius approached the lectern and said, "A reading from the holy Gospel according to Mark Chapter 9 Verses 38 to 41. ‘Teacher,’ said John, ‘we saw someone driving out demons in your name and we told him to stop, because he was not one of us.’

‘Do not stop him,’ Jesus said. ‘For no one who does a miracle in my name can in the next moment say anything bad about me, for whoever is not against us is for us. Truly I tell you, anyone who gives you a cup of water in my name because you belong to the Messiah will certainly not lose their reward.’ "

The priest waited until they all sat down and then started his sermon, "Once upon a time there was a zebra which looked different from the rest of the herd. People don't like different, do they? Zebras don't like different either.

"This zebra had its stripes horizontally. Instead of having the stripes vertically around the body like all other zebras, this one had its stripes horizontally from the neck to the rear. The other zebras did not like that. They said he was not ‘one of us’. Whatever that means. They wanted the zebra out of the herd.

"They debated, they argued, and then they voted. And the zebra was thrown out of the herd to roam all alone, lonely, and defenceless. It soon got attacked by hyenas and was killed. They did not care which way the stripes went.”

He waited a moment or two as he usually does to make a point and then continued, “Sounds familiar, does it not? The zebra looked different and was not welcome in the herd. The disciples had the same attitude towards the stranger who performed miracles in Christ’s name yet was not one of the disciples.

"And to a large extent, so are we too, are we not. We may well wish to deny it, but deep down we are all prejudiced in some form or other, including me. It is in our very nature to be prejudiced about something or other. We’re too quick to judge. We all have our likes and dislikes and we react differently to peoples’ appearances, attire, age, accents, and the multitude of other feelings we have towards each other.

"When Jesus walked this earth, He must have met many poor people whose clothes were dirty and torn. Lepers too, as well as prostitutes and evil-doers of all kinds. He didn’t use our prejudices in order to avoid them and judge them. Instead, He used pity, compassion and love to help them to a better life.

"Jesus taught us not to judge so that we may not be judged. Have you ever wondered whether in life someone has been prejudiced against you without your knowledge? That job or promotion you did not get for instance? Or the way you’ve been treated by certain people?

"Dear Lord, forgive us if we have unintentionally sinned through our prejudices and treatment of others and teach us to be more aware of our weaknesses and help us to overcome them. Amen."

EXCERPT FROM

.

AMAZON LINK

Walk the extra mile

 

At the time of Jesus, when the Romans occupied the Holy Land, a Roman soldier had the right to ask a Jew to carry his luggage for him and walk with him. Imagine you were a Jew and a soldier asked you to carry his luggage and walk in the opposite direction you were going; ruining your day and other appointments. And you could not refuse. No wonder the Jews hated the Romans so much. However, the soldier could not force a Jew to walk more than one mile. After that distance he'd let him go; and probably pick another Jew to carry his luggage for another mile.

" ... and if someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles." (Matthew 5:41) 

Hence Jesus' teaching to His followers and the expression to walk the extra mile.

The truth about ghosts

 

Did you know that ghosts have never been seen in upstairs floors, or apartments or penthouse suites? This is because being spirits, ghosts can walk through walls; and by the same principle they also fall through the floor to the lowest place in a building. So a ghost in a penthouse apartment would fall all the way down to the ground floor. 

Did you also know that ghosts can talk in the language of the country where they appear? So, whilst the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future spoke in English because the story Christmas Carol was written in English; you will find that if you are abroad ghosts would speak in French, Italian, German or whatever. Very confusing if you don't know what they're saying.

Ghosts are not always human shapes of humans who have died. You can have ghosts of any animals appearing in the most unlikely places. Once in an exotic restaurant I mistakenly ordered chicken. It turned out that they had served me a parrot. It's ghost kept repeating on me all the way home.

Once when on a cruise ship I actually saw a ghost.  He was about six foot tall with a big red bushy beard, and an eye patch on his left eye. He had a wooden leg, a hook for a hand and a sword on his belt. I believe he was a vegetarian ghost pirate because he had a carrot perched on his shoulder. I asked him about the patch on his eye. He said he once tried to enter a room through the keyhole and someone put in a key at the time.

On another occasion in Paris I saw a ghost in an old auberge where I was staying. He spoke to me in French and broken English. He was wearing an old style type costume, a bit like the three musketeers or something from that era. He then explained about ghosts walking through walls and said, "I used to enter ze rooms by sliding under ze doors, you know. But I stopped doing zat. One day, I slid under ze door and zere was a woman cleaning ze room on ze other side and she sucked me into her vacuum cleaner! But not any more, Monsieur. Now I travel ze conventional ghostly way by walking through ze solid walls!"

At this point a clock somewhere struck 10:35pm. "Oh ... I must go to my wife Suzette," he said. "Madame Penoir, my wife, she gets veree upset when I am late! I usually tell her ze stories zat I am haunting tourists in old auberges; but she is not believing me. She says she can see right through me!"

And with zese words, sorry ... these words, he jumped out of the window and landed in the river below. I think he was in Seine!

My last ghost encounter was at an old castle in Scotland. During the night, whilst I was in bed I heard  a sound in the room. There by my bedside was a tall ghostly figure of a woman standing still. She looked a lot like Gloria Gaynor standing there silently. 

At first I was afraid ... then I was petrified! And now I am imagining the look on your faces reading this!

Seriously Humourous

 

Did you hear about the stolen dog collar? Police are looking for leads.

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I found a book called How to Solve 50% of Your Problems. So I bought 2.

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A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window. 

For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, "Look, mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." 

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver — I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

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A child asked his mother, "How were people born?" So his mother said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his father, asked him the same question and he told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his mother and said, "You lied to me!" His mother replied, "No, your dad was talking about his side of the family."

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My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.   

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Q: Is Google male or female?

A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion. (Sorry ladies ... only joking. I got my wife's permission to tell you this joke!)

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Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"

 Student: "A drinking problem."

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My boss just texted me: "Send me one of your funny jokes!"

I texted him back: "I'm busy working. I'll send one later."

"That's hilarious," he said, "Send another one!"

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My wife has an odd way of starting conversations ...

She always begins by saying, "Hey, are you even listening?"

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A woman was admitted to hospital with two burnt ears. Apparently, she answered the phone whilst she was ironing. The doctor asked her how she burnt the second ear. She replied that it happened when she phoned for an ambulance.

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Two elderly men from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Colin, I'm 93 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Colin replies, "I feel just like a new-born baby."

"Really! Like a new-born baby?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

AND FINALLY

A few days ago I wrote about talking to a sloth I saw hanging off a lamp post. Some readers questioned my "sanity" about talking to an animal as if he'd understand me. I told my dog about this and we had a good laugh about it.